Gifts and "Regrets" for Social Invitations

I agree that people have become more and more thoughtless with their responses to invitations. I was raised in Kansas and Arkansas (which I now realize practices "southern" manners) and we always respond to everything. Since I moved to Michigan, I have found that people are less formal about committments in general. My family always send cards at least for everything and always respond with a yes or no, but I realize we are a dying breed. Congratulations and Good Luck!

I absolutely agree that people should respond to an invitation and then follow through. Unfortunately, there are so many events now that are geared around gifts that I think many people feel that their presence is only required to deliver the present. You mentioned gifts 3 times in your post and also mentioned that you hosted one of your step-daughters showers - how many showers did she have? There is way too much emphasis on gifts and not enough on celebrating the milestones so that now etiquette is getting pushed aside on both sides. I know that when I get invited to a graduation party it is specifically for a gift (I hardly know the kids), so I send my regrets and a card. There is no excuse for the lack of consideration from your prospective guests but you should not be expecting gifts from people whether they attend or not.

I have to laugh at this post, it sounds like a conversation my hubby and I have all the time! I am the one who responds and if I can't attend, send a card or a gift. He on the other had doesn't respond, and if he isn't going, doesn't send anything...we have decided it was how we were raised! I think if you are unable to attend a major event, at least send a card. If you can't put a gift in it, that's okay, at least a card lets them know you were thinking of them. As far as others not coming to your parties, just make note of it, and when it comes time for their childrens events, you might think twice. Good luck with this, it's a sticky subject for all!

RSVP-ing to weddings, showers, graduations, formal events and birthday parties is highly important - and rude to not do so. (Especially for weddings where there's a seating chart, head count needed and a stamped enveloped included for the reply!) For those that don't respond, I'd call to be sure they received their invite. If they don't respond to your call, I'd nix them from future guest lists.

I do agree that you should always RSVP - for informal events, adding an e-mail address helps. Frankly, I don't have time to be on the phone and I sometimes hate calling to RSVP because I know that I'll be 'stuck' on the phone longer than I have time for or want to be. Other times, I leave the number at home or at work... For people that invite me over and over to their home shows (selling things)...I sometimes get sick of replying. I try to do so, but I know I've missed RSVP-ing to some.

As far as gifts, they should never be expected....not by those attending or those unable to attend. I think people have big guest lists to see how much 'stuff' they can get - which is rude. I do think if you attend, you SHOULD bring some sort of gift. A card is nice if you can't attend, a gift if you're close...but frankly some people do not attend because it seems they are bombarded for gift requests and simply can't afford to do it all. If people respond that they are coming, they better be there unless there's an emergency (which in that case, have someone let the host know!) - and should send a gift, as their place was paid for.

With my baby shower and wedding showers, we called the people on the guest list that never responded with an RSVP. They would call and say, "I just wanted to confirm you received your invitation for ABC, because I hadn't gotten an RSVP from you." This sets a precedent for your events. If people know that you will call if they don't respond, then they are more likely to make sure they respond so they don't get a call. Also, I know it seems a somewhat non-traditional, but in this tech-era if you list in the invitation an e-mail address or a website where people can RSVP it might make them more keen to respond. I know that when I have an e-mail option for RSVP I prefer it just because it is a convenient way to respond.
Again, there will always be ignorant people who don't understand the complexities of event planning nor proper etiquette... keep a list of those family and friends and then you won't have such high expectations when you realize 20% of your invitees are non-responders.

I have always responded to invitations that I receive. If I send a regret to someone that I know well, then I do send a gift. If I'm responding to someone that I do not know well, I usually don't send a gift maybe just a card. If I'm driving and someone lets me go in front of them, I wave in my mirror to show thanks. I think the lack of courtesy in what you've experienced is probably common. It once was considered rude to not respond, but people nowadays seem to not care much about etiquette and courtesy as in the past. Personally and this is soley my opinion, I think it's part because of how antisocial we have become because of the digital age of computers, texting, cell phones, etc., that we forgot how to extend common courtesy and etiquette.

Just my 2 cents,

M C

Hi L.!

I am with everyone else on this one... It only takes a moment to RSVP. And like one person said, adding an email address makes it that much easier, but seriously picking up the phone and dialing a number has been done for decades,so there are no excuses.

For the people who didn't show up and RSVP'd Yes, that in my opinion is one of the biggest problems you mentioned. I would for sure call them out on it, you paid good money and they didn't show, so make them squirm a little.

As for the people who didn't RSVP at all, well I would think twice about inviting them again, family, friend, I don't care... And if they ever had the guts to ask me why, I'd say I've invited you to things before and you never RSVP'd, so I figured you were no longer interested in attending my get togethers. Seriously, what could they say....

There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and not being a doormat, even with family and friends. I am only 38 and I've learned over the years family can be the worst when it comes to this type of thing and if you don't correct it early on, they'll continue to steam roll you.

I don't think anyone is obligated to send gifts or cards when not attending an event. If they do that's wonderful, but never should be expected.

Sorry this all came about for you, but a friend once told me, people or things that drain you of your energy should be removed from your life (and yes that includes family and friends). You only get to live this life once, don't waste it on people who aren't worthy of you or your family. Concentrate on those people in your life that truly care about you and yours and you'll feel much better!

Good Luck,
J. in Macomb

Yes, if it is an invitation to an actual event, people should RSVP/send their regrets. Even if it is a bit late...as I, myself, have shamefully and apologetically responded late to invitations before...you should still always RSVP.

When it comes to graduation parties, however, it can be a bit trickier. More people today throw graduation parties for their children than ever before. Many of them are "open houses" and some don't even require an RSVP. With the mass amounts of grad.party invitations people receive all at the same time, it could be a mere oversight if they do not respond or show up for your child's graduation party. Also, I know I have received---in the past and just this past year---several grad party invitations from my husband's side of the family from distant relatives'/children we have never even met. It is clear that we were only on certain guest lists in an effort to raise funds. So for those, we rsvp'd if necessary, or did not show up if it was an open house...and did NOT send gifts/cards since they (child and parents!) would not have even recognized who the gifts were from anyhow. I think more and more people receive invitations like that...from people they don't know...for graduation parties, and so they don't feel too badly about not sending the card/gift$$. Quite honestly on another note, I think it is the parents who throw those kind of invite-every-person/relative-under-the-sun type parties in an effort to raise college funds who need a major lesson on etiquette. So perhaps your child's graduation party invitations accidentally got lumped in with some peoples' open-house or I-don't-even-know-those-people type invitations. I'm sure it was a mere oversight. And for people who can't make it to the party who you do know/keep in touch with, yes they should send a gift.

The wedding situation, however, is just plain bad manners. Everyone knows that a wedding invitation absolutely requires a response and you always send a gift. And if you dare not show up, you call with an apology and explanation. Showers fall under the same premise. These parties should not be about the gifts, but about the celbration itself. So when someone does not show up it would make you feel better to know that they were sorry and regretted not being there to celebrate with you...and that there was a good reason for their unexpected absence.

Unfortunately, not everybody shares the same values when it comes to etiquette and manners. They are not considering WHY you asked for an RSVP (that it is a headcount so you can provide food/drinks/etc. especially for them). It's as if they are saying 'I don't care if it costs you money or disappoints your children, only MY life matters'. I don't think you should even question whether or not to confront them on it. They didn't mind being extremely inconsiderate to you, so why should you have to show any MORE consideration for them. Call and ask something like 'Is everything ok? I noticed you didn't make it to the party after the RSVP, so I wanted to check and see if all was well.' You will at least get your point accross!

~L.

L. -

First, let me say that there is NOTHING wrong with being old-fashioned when it comes to etiquette. Having said that -

I've always been the type to respond to invitations, regardless if I could attend or not. The type of event would determine whether or not I would send anything beyond a response. For weddings or showers, I would normally send a gift from the registry if I could not make it and I could afford one (if I was close with the person). For birthdays, I would normally send a card (with money or a gift card if it was a family member) if I was unable to attend the party.

It's just rude for someone to not respond to an invitation to receive; if you take the time to invite them, they should take the time to respond. Period. If they can't do that, and they REPEATEDLY fail to respond (because everyone has a slip of the mind every now and then), or don't show up when they say they will, etc., then I wouldn't send invitations in the future. If they have a problem with that, then that's your opportunity to tell them off. >:)

My daughter is in the year of Bar/Bat Mitzvah's, and there are approximately 4 dozen within a year's time. I was shocked at the amount of people that did nt RSVP to hers, I had to call approximately 25 people to see if they were coming. Because of the expense involved, we needed to know their RSVP. I was suprised at that amount of people, but I did put it into my planning to call the no-responders. There were a few honest mistakes, but most people just didn't do it. As far as gift giving if you are not attending, that is a personal choice, depending on your relationship with the honoree. In my eyes, it is not socially responsible not to rsvp. And yes, I did have people that said they were attending and then didn't show, without notification. None of the no-shows were close to our family, but if they were close enough, I would certainly ask them what happened, you might have an influence on future behavior. It's over, let it go, and focus on the wonderful people and events that occurred. Congratulations on all the wonderful life-cycle events in your family!

L.-
I'm so sorry that you've experienced this during such an exciting time in your life. Don't think that because you engage in and expect proper ettiquette that you're old fashioned. Unfortunately there are people that want to blame the economy for everything, but I find this incredibly hard to swallow when you've already provided them with a card and a stamp! To RSVP to an event and not show up is entirely unacceptable and your friends should be ashamed. Also, if you cannot attend an event, it is not expected that you will send a gift, but a card would certainly be a nice gesture (I always send a gift when invited to an event).
I just went through the same thing with our wedding, wedding showers, engagement party (no gifts expected), baby shower and birth of our baby girl. Unfortunately, you cannont start cutting down on your guests lists unless you have some major serial repeat RSVP no-shows. For our baby shower, I didn't ask my friend to invite any of my mom's brothers/wives because they ignored every other prior invitation. That may not be the most graceful approach, but I'm sure they haven't even noticed the slight.
Good luck in keeping your graces about you. It will be difficult because people won't change. Just know that you're not alone OR old fashioned (I'm not yet 30 and have many girlfriends who would have responded just as I have to you).

Hi L.

I completely understand your woes in regards to this subject. I too get extremely annoyed when people do not respond to our invites due to myself always sending out thank you notes, sympathy cards and etc., I rsvp on time and will send a gift if we cannot make an event and it seems that I am the only one in the world who does this, but now I know I am not the only one..LOL

Of course, it is very rude to not respond to a party, especially a wedding, since the response is generally prestamped and everything. That is a gripe of all brides, and yet, people still do it!

However, I do not agree that you must send a gift if you do not attend a party. Keep in mind, that people do not have a choice as to whether they are invited to something. So, if someone is having a hard time financially, and decides that they can't afford to give a gift, it should be that person's choice to politely decline and not send a gift. Especially considering the number of functions some people are invited to, as you mentioned. I think people who are close to the guest of honor will send a gift anyway, if they are unable to come. Also, keep in mind that just because someone plans a very elaborate party/wedding, this does not become the responsibility of the guests. I don't believe that a guest should have to base his gift on the cost of the party.

I always respond, in the fashion requested - if it's accepts only then I'll let them know only if I'm going to be there, if it's regrets only then I'll let them know only if I'm not going to be there. In the case of a wedding where there is a response card, I'll indicate if I will be in attendance or not - and then how many. If I'm not attending a function, I do not necessarily send a gift or card - I wasn't raised that way. Now, if I'm planning on being there, buy the gift, and end up not going then I'll get the gift to them at some point. There are occasions where I'll get a gift for a wedding that I'm not attending, but it depends on the relation to me. The one instance that I'm thinking of is that my cousin got married and she was inviting my husband and I - but not our daughters. My husband had to work, my mother-in-law was out of the country and I wouldn't have a baby sitter, I did send a gift with my mom but that is the rarity. I missed two cousins graduations this year and did not send cards to those. We were raised that those celebrations were not necessarily about the gifts - but celebrating a special event/occasion with friends and family that we love.

wow thats very unconsiderate to say the least. Of course one should respond to a formal invitation with a yes or no and if yes then attend the event or as common courtesy would dictate let the event planner know as soon as something came up that would preclude your attendence. As far as a gift, yes I would think it would be appropriate as you mentioned at least a card though I have to say when a co worker of my husbands (known only for three months) invited us to his wedding I sent our regrets and I did not send a gift.

L.,

Congratulations on your step-daughters marriage and your son's graduation. I'm sorry for the hurt those that didn't respond caused your husband, daughter, and son.

I have experienced the same thing with both my daughters graduation parties, with my 40th birthday party, and the rather large events I put on every year.

I have learned to NEVER use "Regrets Only" as the response. So many people forget, are busy and don't get to it, or are just plain rude. If they call to accept or decline, at least you hve a list of the ones who did not respond and can get a better count or idea. After that I automatically subtract 15% even though most tell you 10%.

I have been hurt several times and realized that it's usually the same people. I continue to invite them because I'm not going to leave them out or start any issues, but now I do so being satisfied with the invitation only and no expectations. This and the 15% after checking the non-responders has made my party-throwing self much happier.

Congratulations on and good Luck with all of the wonderful celebrations coming in your future.

L.

I am an avid reader of Miss Manners and she states you should always RSVP to an invitation. I believe if you are unable to attend the event, a note should be sent to inform the host of this after the wedding. (assuming that if you replied you were coming, only an emergency would keep you away and you would not want to disrupt the hosts on the day of the event with phone calls, especially during a wedding.) I don't think it is complicit in an invitation that a gift must be given in any event, so it is not proper to expect one whether the person attends the event or not.

Wow - that's just plain rude! I always RSVP...and if I say yes, I go! If anything came up to preclude my attendance I would call and explain the situtation. As for a gift - for weddings, and special occasions, I send a gift. If it's just a Bday party - then I send a card. IF it's someone I don't know really well, then I only send a card - regardless of the event.

I don't think your old fashioned for expecting people to RSVP...it's not that difficult! For the future weddings, you may want to call the family members that didn't RSVP. As for the ones that affirmed their attendance and didn't show - call and ask for an explanation, or don't invite them to the next one.

I agree with you. You are not too old fashioned! The same thing happened to us for both of our daughters' weddings. I guess some people just don't get it or they are just thoughtless. It is proper manners to ALWAYS respond yes or no. I think it is also proper to at least send a card acknowledging the event. Both weddings, about the week before when we had to give our "number" for the dinner, I called the people that had not responded. I didn't want to be short food or seats if they suddenly decided to come. None of the people who didn't respond were coming and when I called they just said things like "Oh, I thought I sent that back, so sorry". I think over time, so many events have been more like a cattle call than a lovely event and some people don't think it's important to respond. You are right on! As for the ones who said they were coming and didn't show, it is rude and not to mention costly if you have already paid for their dinner. If they are close friends and family, I would ask them what happened. It's hard NOT to invite close friends and family to another family event, I would be sure to contact all on the "black list" before the next event to confirm their yes or no and just say, "Our last wedding, you said you were coming and then for whatever reason, you couldn't come so I am just checking since we would like to see you and share the day and to make sure we have the proper seating"
It's alot of work especially the week before the event, but at least you will know who is coming AND your black sheep just might get the hint.