Adult Bullies

Yes. I still have this bully in my life--it is a family member and the way that I have learned to deal with it is to stand up to this person and call them out on their junk. If they are mean to me--I put them in their place and I refuse to speak with them or be around them if they don't respect me. I am the one in control of the relationship not the way around anymore. Its a process but when you know who you are dealing with, its easier to go after what you want and need. But unfortunately this bully will always be some part of my life--so I just do the best I can to deal with it case by case.

M

I am in the process of letting go of a bully friend. It sucks because she can be such an incredible giving person, but the meaness and visciousness that comes out of her is very toxic. I was trying to create some distance and just not being available as much. Well she went off me stalking me on facebook, on my phone and then went off on other people as well. This is from just less the one week of aoviding her calls, and I had told I was busy and not available. I decided I am just not going to respond anymore. I was hoping to create healthy boundaries and not lose the friendship, but her behavior which is typical and has let me decide to just walk away. Not sure what we will do about the boys, as they are best friends, but I just can not tolerate this anymore. And I am afraid she will take it out on my son if I let them to continue to hang out. If need be, I will just have to explain to my son that she is toxic and he will have to move on as well. It really really sucks as I love her dearly, but I am tired of the constant tantrums. She has burnt bridges with just about everyone with her ourbursts.

There are plenty of adult bullies. Dr. Phil just did a show on this a couple of days ago - pretty eye-opening. Bullying comes from some sort of damage or sense of inferiority - the bully often was bullied him/herself at some point and now responds by getting the jump on others, putting them down before it happens to him/her.

How you handle it depends on who this person is - if it's a "friend", well, she's not a friend. Stop associating with her. If it's a co-worker or the boss, that's tougher if you have to stay in the job. A co-worker can be reported. A boss can be too unless he's the president of the company - but still, the behaviors may be in violation of a law (e.g. sex discrimination, or an employment law). If the bully is a family member, that's very tricky but you can confront the person.

You do not have to accept bullying - and the first step is to tell the person that. I have told people that I have always treated them with dignity and respect, and that I insist on being treated the same way. I don't take the position that I must have done something to offend them - even if I did, an ongoing bullying situation is not an appropriate response to that. I think it's important to stand up for myself and to let someone know that you think they are better than their behavior indicates.

Yes. It was awful, and I couldn't avoid this person, so it was a battle of wills that lasted for about 4 years.

We are in the same home school co-op and for whatever reason, she singled me out mean-girls style, and had her clique of friends start rumors about me so I was basically ostracized by everyone until I was able to change their opinions about me (after a ton of hard work). She even "accidentally" removed my name from the group's mailing list out of pure mean-ness. She actually pulled alot of rotten stunts on me, some costing me money. I think her goal was to either make me a lacky (sp?) or just leave the group. I didn't budge, and wrote off the money loss as a "donation" at tax time to the church the co-op is affiliated with.

I suspect she was trying to establish her turf and show me who was boss, as she is one of the Queen Bees in the group. I unfortunately don't fold over easily and didn't put up with her immature games. I mean are we in high school or what? I found it very discouraging as this group also has a Christian focus, and it really challenged me spiritually because I couldn't believe women who claimed to be Christian would even stoop as low as to do some of things they were doing.

Over time it backfired on her. She was an officer in the group, and apparently had wielded her power to the point where she wound up losing alot of friends.

We're both still in the group, but she lost her post as officer. The group is so big, that now that she's out of a position of power, I'm not bothered by her too much.

I suppose I could have had a face to face confrontation with her, but I think that is exactly what she wanted. So I took the turn the other cheek route, and it seemed to be the right choice in this situation.

Sure there are still jerks in the group, but I don't need them, and because it is so big, I can pretty much navigate around them.

As for why adults choose to be bullies? I think they have unresolved mental issues, and are probably troubled and in need of help. This behavior, just like in children is a cry out for attention. I find bullies are very needy and emotionally draining and demanding. They are so hungry for fulfillment (whatever that may be) they are willing to hurt others to fulfill that need. They are definitely getting something psychologically out of it.

I agree with Molly. I had the same someone in my family and I got so tired of it that I more or less told them where to go; sure they didn't like it but some people need to be told straight up. For example, my husband doesn't like confrontation and he tries to avoid it but with this one family member after I told them off, this person tried to bully my husband and he had to do a full on confrontation too. Things happen and bullying should not be accepted on a short term or a long term basis; either remove oneself from the situation or confront it.

Wow!!! I have been living through this as well! I have been agonizing over this issue, so I am so glad that this question has been submitted. Thank you Mamas....it is so nice to read the different perspectives...sometimes I can't talk to anyone about this and have been feeling so bad about this and wondering what I have done to invite this "stuff" into my life! I have been bullied by my husband's family for years...we have been married 29 years. I finally put my foot down three years ago and severed my relationship with his family. No communication whatsoever. My husband is free to associate with his family, but I always have to remind him NOT to share our family news with them. He does anyway! They are all very religious but are cruel and judgemental. I put up with it for years, but after my father passed away and I brought my Mother and brother to live with me, my husband's family did not want to socialize with my Mom and brother. My Mother had Alzheimer's and my brother is mentally handicapped (58yrs. old, brain damaged at birth). After several confrontations from my husband's family, I decided that I could not continue my contact with them. I sat down with my husband and adult children and let them know that I was done. My children surprised me! They wanted to know what took me so long and they decided to also severe their relationships as well. I have felt good about this, but recently, invitations have been rolling our way again. Sigh. The worst bullying situation is very recent and I am still grieving and agonizing. My son-in-law of almost 1 yr. has been letting me have it once a month (male PMS?) since February 2010. I finally put my foot down....and boy, am I being bullied now...from afar. My relationship with my daughter is strained and I rarely get to see my new granddaughter. I suspect that my son-in-law has Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissitic Personality Disorder. I sway between "what did I do" and "I did the right thing!" I am sooo sad now! But I will not be treated badly every again! Thank you for your support Mamas!

I worked once in a practice with another veterinarian who was a total bully to everyone, including me. She was also a boarded specialist who had a huge ego and seemed to believe she was justified in routinely berating everyone because we were all morons. She would yell, talk down to you, interrogate you about why this was done, or why you did that, use cuss words, and even throw things. She was not the owner of the practice but was considered a kind of "partner" with the owner, and not really an employee - and so the owners were not willing to say anything on anyone's behalf and there was nobody higher up to go to. The practice owners were sort of bullies themselves and extremely difficult to work for. Many people have worked there, come and gone, eventually leaving because they just could not take it any longer. I was one of them - I finally decided that I had enough and no job was worth the stress I was being but through.

Yes I have seen it, and I can not stand it. A friend of mine is going through this at her current work, and it has been on going for almost 8 months now. The manager tells people to get her things (starbucks, gummie worms, and so on)... the people that do as she requests get special treatment while the ones who will not buy into it get the raw end of the deal.

My friend is pregnant, she asked the manager why she was getting way less hours as of late and was told by this manager that she a liability as a hostess at this restaurant since she is pregnant. My mouth dropped!! Made me furious and she has tried call the head manager, district manager, and even corporate about this treatment. NOTHING has changed because corporate sent someone down to check it out and of course over those two days everyone was on their best behavior.

My friend just gave her two weeks notice, along with almost a dozen other workers from the restaurant because it is a horrible bully type work environment. I wish people could just be mature and respectful when they get an ounce of "power" or they just are not nice people, do not know how to get respect from others without bullying others, or feel so bad about themselves that they bully others to make themselves feel better.

Outside of the work environment it really depends on who is doing the bully. Is it happening to you or someone you know? Can the bully be avoided? If it is happening to someone else, I see it and it is physically or verbally abusive I would ask if there is anything I could do to help AFTER the bully has left. If it is happening to me I would advoid that person (I do not want that in my life), if married to the person I would leave ASAP with the kid(s), or if it is a work situation I would start looking for another job, tell HR and/or high up managers about the situation to work through it with them.

Now if it is a friend or family I would let them know how they are coming across and they might not even know that is what they are doing so hopefully they would work on that. If they do not care or do not change I would tell them that I can not be friends with or be around someone who feels they need to put other or me down all the time, or acts such and such way. If I feel that they are abusive I would make sure that the ones they live with are safe and offer support and help to them if needed.

Yes, at my old job. My immediate superior was such a horrible person that I couldn't stand working there anymore. It was so frustrating, because the other people on my "team" were really nice and we got our work done together as a team, but our "team leader" was such a controlling bully whoe had to micromanage everyone. She responded best to you if you sucked up to her, which I refused to do (along with a couple of other co-workers); so we would often suffer the wrath of her bad moods. She once yelled at me to the point I was crying, for no reason whatsoever other than she felt like I was questioning her authority by suggesting we come up with a better process for our workflow. I have NEVER had anyone yell at me like that, and it still makes me angry every time I think about it. There were so many instances of bullying, but none of us felt like we could go to human resources because all of us were afraid of retaliation (this woman was, unfortunately, one of our manager's "favorites" so every time we complained to the manager, she would just make excuses for her).

Unfortunately, the only thing I could do is get away from the situation altogether by quitting (I quit for other reasons--we were moving--but getting away from her was an added bonus). It was a terrible situation, because it was a good job with nice people except for this one person who made it miserable for all of us. It just makes me grateful, though, that I don't have to work there anymore.

I've never experienced IRL adult bullying. Plenty of rude and stupid people, for sure, but no bullying.

What about bullies on this site? There are many!

I don't understand how this happens. As adults, we have the ability to walk away and tune them right out of our lives...then they lose their power!