My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years now, and this is also my first serious relationship. We have two children together. Lately, we have been arguing about pretty much everything. I don't understand it, and when I try to express my feelings and tell him why I'm upset, he turns it around and makes me feel bad, like everything's my fault. I don't know if this is me being over sensative, or he is actually being mean. We are both under a lot of stress, my health has been horrible lately with pretty serious things, and because of this, he has been out of work for about a year now. He has never been great with talking about how he feels, and neither have I. I don't know if that plays into it either--I am trying very hard to make things work, and I am doing and saying things that are extremely uncomfortable because I don't like to talk about feelings very much, and he isn't even trying to.
The latest pattern is, we'll be okay for a few hours each day, and then one of us will say something stupid, it might even be a joke, but the other one is immediately offended, and we'll spend a few hours not speaking or just being polite, nothing more, and then we'll be fine for a few hours.
Both of us have stuck by each other through a lot, and we both know pretty much that we're always goign to be together no matter what, but it's just not enjoyable right now.
We tried couples counseling, but now he refuses to go back. He won't see his own counselor. I'm out of ideas and I'm probably missing something obvious, but I'm too close too the situation. Does anyone have any ideas?
I think something that would help would be to write him a letter. Put everything out there. I know I tend to get emotional when talking about my feelings so then I start to cry and never finish what all was wrong. Maybe you can ask him to do the same and if you choose not to ask him still do it for him. Then maybe he will come back and tell you how he feels. Every relationship needs communication in order for things to work out. HTH!
Think of all the ways you have been a jerk to him. Then after the kids go to bed simply, nicely, humbly tell him you have been thinking about things and apologize for whatever you know you have done. Explain to him you both have a lot of stress on your hands and you both need to help eachother get through it. Dont expect him to fess up, that comes with practice and time. You both need to find a better way to deal with stress.
My hubby makes stupid comments too. When under stress I used to hear his words and voice tone and think "butthole". Now I know not to have the preconceived idea that he's being a butthole and give him the benefiit of the doubt. He has had to overcome his preconceived ideas about me too and now that we can both wake up every morning with clean slates has made our lives a lot easier.
Find places in the day to compliment him and try to brush off bad comments because you know it's stress. Honesty and kindness go along way towards better communication.This takes time. My husband and I have done this for a few years and now we deal with stress like pro's.
God luck to you both!
Welcome to marriage sweety :) EVERY marriage goes through times like this. Anyone who tells you they NEVER argue with their spouse is either lying, doesn't live in the same house with them, or never speaks to them.
It's pretty clear you two are under a TREMENDOUS amount of stress, which is probably the biggest issue here right now. If he's staying home right now to care for you, look into getting some part time help with that. Look into what medicare/medicaid might cover. That way he might be able to at least get a part-time job. For many men being unemployed is equal to being useless, in their minds.
If he's unemployed because of the current recession, the best advice I have for that is just keep looking. Maybe reassess what he's doing and if he'd like to consider a carreer change. Possibly look into going back to school if he'd like.
And by all means ... some fun time for just you and him. Where you spend time together and take some really deep breathes. You don't discuss the issues, you just spend time enjoying each others company. Go to a movie, out to dinner, or some other favorite activity. Just to remember the things you love most about each other.
Good luck and know that you can get through it with time and commitment and communication. It all takes practice, and start with the small things. But you'll get there.
Sounds like you both are facing some stressful situations at this time: your illness and his unemployment. Top that off with "winter blahs" and you have a recipe for strained relationships. I recommend you plan a fun evening just for the two of you. It doesn't have to be expensive. Get a sitter for the kids. Promise each other you will not discuss any touchy subjects and you find something to laugh about. Perhaps you could rent a red box movie, a definite commedy, and enjoy it together with your favorite desert. Then have some wild sex. AF
There is a really book, I think would help you if you read it: Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Even if your husband doesn't want to read it, you should. It gives some VERY good advice in it that if you do some of what it says- just yourself- it may really work in changing your relationship.
Another good book is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
God bless you! Just the fact that you are asking for help shows you care!
You might check out www.marriagetoday.com with Jimmy & Karen Evans. He is great at explaining everything you just talked about, and what to do about it. We don't get "how to" manuals when we get married, but Jimmy helps with humor and biblical guidance. He's a "man's man" so most guys like him. He has lots of books, dvds, and cds on marriage. You might also look for his books, etc on ebay or Amazon for a cheaper price. Good luck! The fact that you are reaching out in a good sign that things will work - you just need a little instuction!
Stress is very serious. It can cause your health to go down hill. Your husband needs to be understanding not a jerk. It sounds like he is not going to counseling because he doesnt want to face the issues. Are you sure you want to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy? I wouldn't want too. If all you are doing is fighting that is not healthy. You both have to sit down and listen to each other and try to work out your issues.
In all honesty he sounds like my ex husband who had an affair with my best friend. Thankfully, I found out before I ended up getting some sort of STD. Only you can answer what type of relationship you want to be in and only you can change it by talking and communicating your needs. Instead of saying, "You are making me angry"...Say to your husband, "I'm not feeling so great right now and I'm upset because this situation is...." Don't make it so when you state something it makes it appear to be his fault maybe that makes him go on the defensive...However, you do need to express how you are feeling constructively so that you both can work on fixing the issues that are definately going on in your marriage. Marriage takes work but I wouldnt want to stick around and stay in an unhealthy one.
If you believe in prayer, I would start praying! I know how it is to argue with DH...but no one can change him except God. In the meantime, I know this seems counter-intuitive, but just give him space and don't bother even talking it out (his mean response could just be lashing out because he is put on the spot - but he probably doesn't mean to blame you - that's just his emotions talking). I know all the psychologists and counselors probably say to have open communication, but really that doesn't work with men - they are a completely different species! My husband always needs time to process things...so I basically state my point and don't press the issue - he will mull it over in his head for a long time and then I usually see an improvement...I always want an immediate response, but it never comes...so I think nothing is changing...but I get the wheels turning in his head regardless and he appreciates me not nagging him or making him respond. Usually, after 3 days of the same argument, the silent treatment, etc, he will come to his senses....and he has made vast improvements, but I could not have done that without a lot of prayer! Sometimes when I have asked my husband for the same thing for years and it doesn't change, I won't even ask again - it's pointless - I will just ask God to work in his heart and make the change or make my life easier in some way...and usually my heart changes towards my DH in the process- instead of resenting him for his ways, I start looking for the good and ignoring the bad...after all, like I said - you can't change the bad and no amount of arguing is going to fix the relationship (or 'fix' DH!). You obviously love each other and are in it for the long haul and he is not abusive, etc....so just try to 'not talk about your feelings' and you both will probably feel better and get back to the original reason you love each other!!
You all are spending too much time together. It would be better if he is working cos sometimes that can affect a man's self esteem. I think each needs to work on themselves individually before a collective effort can begin to happen.
You guys have a lot of stress on you, so the arguing is not surprising.
Your situation is really complex, and not easily fixable. The only thing I can say is try to stop talking so much about what is wrong and really try to have fun together. Your husband sounds like mine -- doesn't like to talk and is sensitive. Talking to him usually makes things worse. He just wants issues to go away.
It's REALLY hard, but I've found that I get the most out of him when I'm nice to him, compliment him, love him, etc.
It's hard, good luck. But you have two kids, so this needs to work.
To clarify...is he out of work to take care of you? Illness can be taxing on a relationship and if you both have been out of work i'm sure there are financial stresses too. Are you able to have intimate relations with you husband? Stress and illness can cause your sex life to go by the wayside and most men need sex to feel loved and most women need to feel loved in order to have sex. Especially with his job loss he may NEED to feel like he is still the man and the best way to do that is to make your intimate time a priority. Even if you don't "feel" like it make the effort and you may see your day to day communication gets better. I've been with my husband 12 years and married for almost 10 years. We have two children and have also had some health issues on my part to deal with. I've noticed the longer we go without sex the worse our communication and treatment of each other gets. Good luck and hang in there.
I've been married a little over 8 years and every now and again, my husband and I argue about every little thing. It's ok. It's normal. The trick is knowing what to do about it and getting out of that cycle. I want to recommend a book to you that really helped my husband and me end that cycle of arguing. It's called "Love and Respect" by Dr Emerson Eggriches. It's a simple and powerful look at how couples communicate and how to break the cycle we get ourselves into sometimes. You can read it with or without your spouse and either way it will change the way your marriage works. It did me. I also recommend a book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's very good also.
Another thing you can try is going on dates again like you probably did before you were married. Go to the movies, out to dinner, out to your favorite hang out. Treat each other to special things. Many marriages start going sour because couples forget to continue the dating after they get married.
I don't know your religious background, but know that prayer is always the most powerful thing in the world. You can also read "The power of a praying wife" by stormie Omartian.
I hope this helps encourage you that you're not alone in your efforts. Keep trying and God will reward you for your efforts. :)
Serious illness and unemployment are stressful on their own but if hubby is unemployed to take care of you there could be some resentment on his end, sorry to say. Maybe he enjoyed his work and the socialness that came with it? Not that he wouldn't want to take care of you but lots of men define their worth by being providers, if that is taken away they sort of drift, plus most men feel incredibly helpless when the one they love is ill. Even though he is caring for you most likely he doesn't think he is doing a great job. I'd just talk to him, express your deep appreciation for all his help and suggest he hangs with some buddies for some men down time. You could also use a break maybe a girls day out, nothing expensive but something fun. Since he doesn't want to continue counseling he probably is just frustrated because your problems weren't "fixed" in his minds time line. My hubs and my friends hubs all think a problem could be solved in one session. I can't explain why they believe this but.... Anyway talk to him because as you stated neither one of you is going anywhere, so your not talking about getting out of a relationship but talking about how to stop arguing and that every marriage has it's highs and lows. Together you guys can get back to your highs. Good luck.
Going thru hard times takes a toll on us all. maybe you 2 can find the time to get away for a few days or even have someone watch the kids so you can reconnect. Sounds like you are both on edge and with ahving so much stress and medical issues its hard on any relationship no matter how strong it is. I think that you should continue counseling even if he does not. In the end we can only be responsilble for our own emotions and actions. Try to remember to be kind and keep an open heart.
ok one problem at a time, men are not raised to talk about their feelings, they would rather stomp cockroaches with their ____@____.com and no amount of counseling will change that. they also arent raised to think of themselves as
caregivers, and nothing is going to change that.now if you really want to get
a conversation going with him, try going out to a nice sit down dinner with him
and asking outright how he feels. a full tummy with no distractions, loosens
the toungue
K. h.
