A Delicate Matter & My 6 YO Daughter

I wouldn't get any deeper into it with her. In fact, I think telling her it is because of this man is probably more than she needs to know.

Tell her that the grownups have decided she won't be spending the night there for now and leave it at that.

She doesn't have to understand the reasoning. And honestly trying to convince a 6 year old that a man who may at some point become her step-grandfather is a creep is probably not a winning proposition.

Avoid the "not her father" thing because what about friends houses, cousins etc.?

HTH
T.

Be honest with her. Say no, but not b/c he's not her father (as someone pointed out the sleepover thing will come up), but because you don't think he's a good example for her to be around. Maybe grandma can come spend the night with her?

I don't think you have to give any more of a reason than you have already given. Several times, I've said, no without giving any other reason than I think it's not a good idea. Children's minds are not mature enough to understand many of our reasons. And when we offer explanations it leaves the door open to the child working at proving our reasons not valid.

I wouldn't have told her that it was because "a man lives that we don't know." That does put you in a bind now because you do know him. So I'd just say that you've decided that it's still not a good idea. When she asks why, tell her that some things have to be decided by mommies and daddies that are difficult to explain. The answer is still no. After the first conversation just continue to say that the answer is no. Sympathize a bit with her disappointment. And change the subject.

I think it's a good idea for her to not sleep over, not because he might be a pedophile, but because Grandma has not suggested it. She has her reasons that you also don't have to know or understand.

It sounds like you don't think he's of good character. Listen to your gut response. That's another good reason for saying no.

If it's "completely inappropriate to involve a 6 year old in this", why on earth would you TELL said 6 year old "she is not sleeping over at a house where a man lives that we don't know"?!

Why not just plain no? Why not, 'no more sleepovers a Grandma's house'. End of conversation.

In fact, YOU are actually making this a drama filled situation for your own daughter, not your mother.

Sorry.

:(

First of all I would tell your daughter in a straight-forward, looking her in the eye so she listens way "You are not spending the night at Grandma's anymore, that's my decision, and I'm the mother. We're not talking about it anymore, I'm not changing my mind, and i don't want you to bring it up again." Smile. At 6 she should be able to understand and respect that, I'd avoid giving her reasons she more than likely is a little too young to fully understand. As she gets older and more savvy about the world and the different people in it you can explain more and more to her, but that's away down the road.

Secondly, because she misses spending nights with Grandma, (and Grandma may feel the same way, I know I would) ask Grandma if she's be agreeable to a "girl's night" at your house occasionally where she would spend the night, they could do the same things they did at Grandma's house.

Be careful about saying to your daughter she cannot spend the night at a home where the man isn't her daddy, you've then ruled out most future sleepovers she may be invited to over the years, and she would nail you in a heartbeat if you then allowed her to go elsewhere. Kid's are so adept at picking up on our inconsistencies ; )

Hang in there!

What ever happened to "I am your mother and I said NO, it is not up for discussion and should you ask about it again you will be grounded for the day because you are disrepecting my decision as your mother" style of conversations? I use this when needed, children are too nosey and do not need to know everything, all they need to understand is that when we make a decision there is no negotiations afterwards, I am not a judge and they are not attorneys, I am the parent and they are the child(ren).

Good work, and you've already given the reason. Repeat as necessary. You're in charge!

I wouldn't use the "man who is not her father" line because then she can never stay over at a friend's house when the father is present.

I would say, "Honey, it's a grown-up complicated thing and I'm sorry, but you can't spend the night." You might also invite your mom to your home so DD can have a sleepover with Grandma - just not with the other guy involved.

At least your mom seems to understand and has not been inviting DD to stay the night. If she were AND DD wanted to go, it would be harder.

i will always advocate honesty with children under all circumstances. but that doesn't mean full disclosure of all details are necessary or desirable. one of our jobs as parents is to judge how to be honest without vomiting longwinded age-inappropriate explanations all over our kids.
your approach seems eminently sensible to me and i'm not sure why you need to amend it. a simple 'sorry, honey, i'm not comfortable with the circumstances. grandma needs to come here for sleepovers.' you don't have to go into great hairy detail, and can respond to her lovely rebuttal that he seems nice with 'yes, he does, doesn't he? but i'm still not comfortable with you being there without me.' if the door isn't even opened a crack, she'll accept it and quit asking.
kids tend to do the most nagging when they sense we're not committed to our stated stance. you seem to be, so just project that.
khairete
S.

Well, it has been a year. Is there reason to think he is a pedophile? I don't get why you don't accept him other than he drinks and is not your dad.

A lot of people drink, so could you be more descriptive. What specifically are you objecting to.

I don't' understand why she can't spend the night.

I don't think we always need to give our kids an answer....I would just stick with broken record of no you can not spend the night at grandmas house.

Maybe if you are open to it....could grandma spend the night at your house - maybe you could go out and let them spend time alone.

First of all, GOOD FOR YOU protecting your child. You don't know this person, he's showing bad signs already (the drinking alone, omg!) and there's no need to risk your child's serenity. I would tell her than Grandma will be more than happy to come sleep in her house instead since during this time she's having her "friend" living with her and a friend is NOT family.Tell her that sometimes things change and it's ok, people can still do things they did before but in different in ways. I don't think NOT sleeping at grandma's will affect her that badly, there are worse things in life and if you think that pedophiles are often people very close to the family or, even worse, family themselves, well, no reason to risk it. Make it an occasion to talk about change in life.

How about telling her that you and daddy agree that its best that grandma comes to your house to stay. Tell her that you don't agree with grandma living with another man that isn't her husband. Or whatever you feel. At 6 years old, she will see right through anything other than the truth. You don't have to come out at say what you really think, but give her a solid truthful answer.

M

I think your plan is the best option. No need to try and explain this mans issues to a child. Maybe grandma can come over to your house for a sleepover. She can sleep in the kids bed and the kid can sleep on the floor. You can either join in on the games or back off and enjoy free time.

just tell her that he does things that isnt ok for her to be around and thats why she is no longer aloud to stay over

Tough situation. I would keep up with your position. You have some impression of this person who strikes you the wrong way.

Consider how you explain this. Your DD will be having slumber party invites, and her friend's dad will be in the house.

What I'm surprised about is that your mother has not shown disappointment that your DD is not allowed to go, (Or maybe she has). He is there. At some point you may as well get to know him better. Was this her high school sweetheart? Had you known about this person before he re-entered your mom's life? Did he have a home to sell in order to move in with your mother? What's his background? How will you come to terms with this situation?

Other than to offer you encouragement that you are doing the right thing I cannot think of much else. The only other possible explanation may be to discuss the fact that they are not married? But that doesn't help if they do get married... so again, all I can do is say "you are doing the right thing mom... keep an ever vigilgent eye on your precious daughter... the price is too high and not worth the risk... keep doing what you are doing and trust your instincts...one day she will understand and thank you for it... too many have to say a friend of the family destroyed my innocence..... " Sorry this is all I have to offer, but I hopes it gives you renewed strength....Good Luck and God Bless!

You tell her the truth. That is it not appropriate etc. and that many people seem "nice" but they are not. And because you are her Mom, you know and are protecting her.
Tell her, not graphically, but the truth.
That is what I do with my kids.

You tell her, she cannot sleep over.
Or, Grandma can come over and have a sleep over with her... at YOUR house.
That might be a good option/compromise, for your daughter.

And, I would also, wonder what that man's background check would be... if you do research????

Go with your gut instinct and your inner radar.

My "problem" with this would be, not that Grandma has a guy living in her house and is not married... but... about whether this Man... is a Pedophile/molester/criminal????
THAT is the problem and concern here.
And in addition to, the issue that he is a freeloading drunk and very manipulative... and that, the WHOLE family has a consensus on that.

SO... do not let your daughter sleep over there, NOR be alone with Grandma and that Man at anytime. Because, you don't know what Grandma's supervision quality would be. Even if just visiting at her house or IF... Grandma is babysitting.
I would not let my kid, be in that man's presence, without, me.

I think your daughter is old enough to have the conversation about what an alcoholic is. I would go through this explanation and be truthful about it. I would not tell her that the man was taking care of a little child while drunk. I would however tell her that you will not allow her to be in the care of an alcoholic.

I am sorry that your mom is so lonely for a man's company that she would let this man into her life. (I'm also sorry she enables her 24 year son, but that's another ball of wax, I suppose.) You are doing the right thing by not having her sleep over. It is SO telling that you mom knows it's inappropriate and doesn't ask.

I do think that being honest with the alcoholism is better than "because I said so" or just putting off the discussion. I also think it's appropriate, given your daughter's response, to say that you are sorry that your mother has made a poor choice of a boyfriend. You NEVER KNOW how this might one day prevent your daughter from having a relationship with a drunk moocher herself.

Dawn

The man drinks. He's an alcoholic. Tell your child that when someone drinks they are no longer the person they are when sober. He drinks at night. Your mother has made a poor choice.
You are being a wise mother. Do not give in. Child molesters who have aged out of access to women with children find themselves an unsuspecting grandma.
One more thing. Do you know this man's name and birthdate. You can find out if he was ever charged or convicted of child molestation. If so give the materials to your mother and inform the police of where he lives now.

ZABA and other sites charge 40 dollars for a complete background check. It'll be the best 40 dollars you ever spent.

I think you are right, you are going to have to tell her that she is not spending the night in a house with a man who is not her father. You may have to further stated that sleepovers w/ grandma was a "girls night" thing that can't happen now that granma has a roommate. You may even have to tell her that you know she's disappointed and you aren't saying he isn't a nice person but this is what you and her father fee is best for her.

Could you plan a backyard girls night camp out at you house and invite grandma?