A Dad Who Doesnt Care :(

OK, different angle. Could he possibly be depressed? Job stress, history of depression, did he want a child? I only ask because his lack of interest or motivation to do anything sounds like our version of PPD. I get what the other moms say about when the baby gets older he'll get more interested, but I wouldn't cut men that kind of slack. Why does the child have to be older to hold mens interest, why do we say men aren't nurturing? That's the same excuse as boys will be boys. I don't say that when my boys or husband acts up. I think you should have an honest discussion with him and see where he is mentally in the desire to be a dad. Might not want to be the answer you want but at least you'll know what you are truly up against and you can go from there. Congrats on her first steps even better things are to come.

Let it go! You cannot change him. The only person over which you have control is yourself.

I suggest that he doesn't show his interest in the same way that you do. If he looks up and smiles he is showing interest.

Many men do not take personal care of babies such as giving baths and changing diapers or feeding them or even playing with them. That doesn't mean that they don't care about the baby. My grandson's father acted as you describe your baby's father as acting. Once his son was 4 or so and could go to ball games with him he gradually became more involved with his son. So many men just do not have the nurturing instinct. Have you calmly, without judgment talked with him about doing these things?

Fighting will not change the way he acts. In fact it's most likely going to cause him to withdraw. You need to find a way to stop feeling angry and ways to gradually include him in your baby's care in a loving way. Model for him what love feels like. Reward him with approval anytime he does anything even if it's just a smile.

It sounds like the two of you are not good at communicating. I urge you to get into couples counseling.

Many men are actually scared to help with the baby. Especially daughters. Many times they feel inadequate, or just don't know what to do. As moms, instinct does play a huge role. Mom is there for advise and of course, this blog. Let him do simple things. Ask him, would you like to give her a bath tonight? If he seems hesitant, stay with him. Do it together a few times. I'll bet he will enjoy her reaction. When he has fun with bath time or reading her a story, it may make him want to help more. (I know this worked with a relative of mine) The first time he actually gave her a bath, she giggled and splashed and because she had fun, he was more at ease. Turns out, he was terrified of accidentally drowning her. Now, she is a daddy's girl and he takes her everywhere with him.

Hey M.,

I don't have any advice, but I'm in the same boat as you. My DD is 7 months old and my boyfriend has never made her a bottle since she was born. He changes her diapers occasionally and will feed her once a day if he's not working and ONLY if I ASK him. It gets on my nerves how he doesn't wanna spend time with her becuase I love bieng with her. I'm a SAHM and I wouldn't trade it for anything. There are days he does play with her for a bit but then he's back to watching his TV or playing his playstation. Every one keeps telling me that he will change once she gets older, but as I read your question, its making me think that he's not gonan change. I sure hope he does. Keeping my fingers crossed for the both of us :) take care

Couples counseling definitely. Sure, it's true some men have a hard time showing emotions or helping out with babies or whatever, but really, that is a lazy excuse for people who don't want to change or pitch in. Men can have just as much compassion and care for their babies and children as a mother can, and they can help out just as much too. I know mine did and most all of the fathers of little ones I know do as well. Maybe he is struggling with depression or anxiety and that is a contributing factor. In that case, he really needs some counseling to help.

Children can pick up when they feel unwanted by the parent, when love is being withheld. It is a form of emotional neglect and can have long term consequences.

Keep up the hard work, you are doing great! Help your guy see how much his child needs his care and attention.

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"All children need acceptance, love, encouragement, discipline, consistency and positive attention from their parents. Children who are denied these things often grow up thinking they are deficient in some way and that they somehow deserved to be treated badly. Sadly, when they become parents themselves they may emotionally deprive their own children because they don't have a positive model of parenting to draw on.

Parents who are depressed, mentally ill, or taking drugs may find it more difficult to notice and respond to their child's needs. Nevertheless, when a parent ignores or withdraws from a child as your friend is doing, it is a form of emotional neglect. You are right to be worried.

A child who is emotionally neglected is likely to lack confidence and self-esteem. And they probably feel unloved and unwanted and find it difficult to trust others. These kinds of negative feelings may lead to problems with school, with their friends, and with their own children in later life."

from here:
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/HelpAndAdvice/WhatChildAbuse/Emot...

If this were me, I'd tell him straight out he is harming our baby and hurting my feelings as well. I'd explain why. If he still doesn't change after a good discussion, I wouldn't expect him to change. Some so-called "men" are just like that. Maybe it's the way they were raised. Maybe they're scared. It could be one of many reasons. But the point is, he'll have to make the change on his own after you point it out to him. I'm sorry about that. Do you have any male relative whom your partner could learn from? And whom your daughter could turn to (just for support)?

I agree that his acting distant doesn't fall into the "boys will be boys category", There IS definetively a problem with him not fullfiling his daughter's emotional needs. My heart just breaks reading your description of how he did not went to congratulate your baby girl on her first steps, that's a HUGE milestone, does he even know how hard a baby has to work on their balance to even pull themselves up and stand on their two little chubby legs? I'm sorry but he is not acting as a loving father with what you described.
You need to talk to him about it, maybe with a professional present maybe a family therapist could help. He needs to pitch in his share of the work both emotionally and physically by doing his chores, if he hasn't noticed, he HAS a daughter and it's his responsability to take care of her too.
I'm glad he will get to spend more time with her as you will go back to work but if he is going to be the primary caretaker he must shape up because he would really be doing a disservice to his daughter if he keeps acting as the emotionally distant father for hours on end.