Daddy Doesn't help...EVER

Run the other way as fast as you can!! "People can change, but you cannot change people." He is showing you now, at a time when he should be doing all he can to impress you, that he is not going to be a team player. It is much more frustating to make it when you believe or think that you have a team player when you actually don't than it is to just be a single mother. Honestly, he needs to be out on his own, pay support and grow up. You need to proceed and create the best life you can, without expecting him to be involved. I hate to be so blunt, but I have been experiencing some of the same things after 15 years of marriage and it is a very, very difficult and painful for me. So, please don't start something that you can already see will clearly cause you grief later.

About me: Working Mother of 2, married 15 years

Sounds like my DH. I can say that my DH has gotten a little better since my DD is older (she is 2). It was to the point that my DD would cry if her daddy would try to change her, give her a bath, etc...because mommy always did these things for her. I still do not get to sleep in and he has never offered. What I do is suddenly become busy when a diaper change is needed or when a cup needs to be filled. Tell him what needs to be done and see if he does it. Sometimes they just need some direction.
Hope things get better soon!

Some people are saying 'Oh some men just arent into babies.'
My thought on that is it's not like he's doing anything else to contribute to this partnership (cleaning, cooking, helping around the house, etc...). T., even with this man's physical presence, you ARE a single mother. I'd get out ASAP. You've already told him how you feel and nothing's changed.
Run for the hills and never look back!

follow through with your threats,,, they mean nothing if you dont stick to it! I know being a single mother is difficult , but at least you know who you can count on. Stay strong and stand up for yourself and your baby. If this is the way he thinks...HE WILL NOT CHANGE and dont forget like father like son??? Your son will be someones father someday. We need to prepare these boys to be MEN!! Goodluck!!

It sounds like you are just adding another child to the mix when then man re-enters your home. Discuss him up front what you need from him - to be a participating, present and helpful father and partner. If he doesn't step up to the plate, you need to decide if that is something you can live with. If you decide you can, then you know ahead of time what you are getting into and you must accept that. If you can't, then you have some serious action to take. I know I would not be willing to accept an irresponsible husband and father, but your decision has to be your own.

Why would you want a man like that around??????
Is that the kind of example you want for your son???

Since he is military, your sons benefits are pretty much guaranteed.

Leave him NOW.

This happened to me when my son was first born. He is not going to change unless you put down your foot. My fiance used the same excuse of "He's too small right now, when he get's older then I will help. Well, time went by and he finally said it "Men are not supposed to change diapers" that made me mad. So I dropped a few hints that if he doesn't do it someone else out there will and real men are the ones that help out and change diapers. I let him know that he is missing out on a time that is going to go by fast and you will never get it back again. That while you are taking care of the baby it gives you this good feeling because you're helping someone grow and not everyone has that previlage. When that didn't work I moved out to let him him know what the deal is. That's when he took me seriously and he started doing the things that "men are not supposed to do". Now I moved back in and things are better. He has learned that we are team and for the home to be happy everyone has to pitch in, and it takes a lot of listening and taking care of each others needs. Now he is even more happy. Some men where raised that way, where the mother stayed at home and the father worked. But now things have changed, we don't have that luxary anymore,even if being a parent is a triple shift. But we too as women have to understand that is where their mind set is coming from and we have to support them in making that transition. When you see him trying to make those changes no matter how small they may seem encourage him by saying "good job" or "thanks, you don't know how much that really helped me" and maybe do something small for him that you don't usually have time to do these days. That will give him more confidence and also let him know that by him helping out he can get some benefits from it too. But the first thing that you have to do is put your foot down. If you let him do what he is doing he will continue to do it because he can. If he really loves you he will take you seriously and try to make you happy the best we he can. Sometimes, some men, just need a little kick to get them moving.

LEAVE HIM!!! What type of example is he setting for your child. That it is ok for one person to do everything and the other to do nothing. I have two kids. My son is 2.5 years old and my daughter is 5 months. Both kids are good, but I don't know what I would do without my husband. We both take care of the children. Yes, there are some things that I do more of like baths and getting up in the middle of the night. My husband does almost all of the cooking, takes out the garbage and keeps the bathroom clean. We only have one bathroom and with 5 people living in our household, keeping it clean is a chore in itself. My younger brother also lives in our house while he is attending college. I think it is very important to be a good example for your children and your significant other definitely is not showing what a responsible respectable individual would do. Not to mention, you deserve support too. Support can be in the form of physical and emotional. It doesn't sound like he does either. He is just another individual for you to take care of or to work around while you are trying to take care of the kids. I know what i am saying is easier to say than to do. I just think that since he doesn't help anyway it is not as if it would be anymore work on you and if he wasn't around maybe the situation wouldn't be as stressful or tense. Gook Luck. Only you can make the best decision for your family which family can include just you and a child.

T.,
I hate to say it, but your man is a lazy dad, and unfortunately, no matter how much you nag him, it won't help. He needs to understand that in order to have that relationship with his child at age 3 (when he feels that daddies take over), he needs to start building it now. He needs to see that bathing, feeding, rocking, playing with baby now is not work, but should be enjoyed. It's once in a lifetime opportunity to be the only major influence your child will know. Once they're in preschool/older, the influences of the outside world will kick in. Tell him you recognize that he works hard at his job to provide, etc...and you, in no way, want him to do all the work, but rather that he should relish this chance to bond with his baby. It's not like you want him to just take over and do it all, but at least to show some interest and indicate that if you need a break, he's willing to chip in. Good luck with this. I know it's tough. My husband works 60-70 hours a week and we went through the same thing, but it slowly got better, especially after our 2nd and 3rd children were born. By then, he had no choice but to help out since one person can't do it all and stay sane!!

My advise is to do as you say you are going to do. Pack up and leave. Don't even give him any more chances. From experience...he isn't going to change. He is in that frame of mind that women are to take care of everything. He will always be that way.He is NOT ready for a child. Your child will be stressed living in that environment because he will feel that tension from an unhappy you. Best to move on now and maybe stay with your parents or other family until you can figure out full time work and daycare.
mddhf

I hope this helps you. The first year of your babies life is the HARDEST! No matter what kind of help you have. Especially for mommy! I am a mother of two and my son is 5 months old and I could never ever get enough help! Trust me mothers always do the MOST! Its a fact. Its sounds like your husband has some growning up to do, this is his child too. There will always be garbage to take out. ITs pure laziness to walk by the garbage and not take it out. However take what you can get. 10 years from now you will still be arguing over who does more. Thats how men are. IF we can accept what little they do be greatful. MY best advice is never talk down to your husband it gets us nowhere. Explain that it feels very unloving to you when he comes home without saying hello to you and the baby. The more you do around the house the more he will expect of you all the time. Yes he does need to help out more but give it some time. IT will help establishing routines at home. Men do not like to feel attacked. I'm not siding with men I just have learned from experience after 6 years of marriage. You know how bad things are but for the sake of your child give it some time. There will always be laundry but whats most important. Good luck and god bless.

M.

Hey T.,
Good Luck!! I know this isn't true of all men but it has been my experience (married at 21 to a looser, divorced at 25, found my real true love at 36 he was 43), that most men don't seem to "grow-up" anymore until their about 30. I know this seems terrible but I think it's true very often. Even then, when they do "grow-up", there are some men who have children and are nervous about caring for them until the child gets older (toddler age). Some men are very fearful of babbies and doing the diaper patrol and laundry and feeding and cleaning up after them. This, of course is no excuse! He does need to step up and be a man. Are you letting him know how tired you are and how nice it would be to have a little help? Try to communicate all your feelings without sounding like your nagging (not that you don't have every right to!) but men don't respond well to that.
Being a single mom was the hardest job I ever had. Then I met my husband now and he is a God send!! Keep your chin up and stay positive. Don't let him treat you like a door mat, but things could always be worse.

That is unacceptable behavior for a father to come home and not interact with his child(ren). There is something physchological going on that is preventing him from being social and nuturing to his young. Personally i wouldnt put up with it. My daughters father is a blessing and wants to spend all his free time with his daughter and he takes care of her as much as i do. You need to talk with him first to see whats going on (maybe his father never interacted with him and ignored him his whole life). If that doesnt work then you need to talk to a professional..as a family.

If there are any red flags now (and there are HUGE ones...) take heed!!! It will NOT get any better. Either he steps up now........or not at all. If he wants to loaf around and be "spoon fed" send him back to his mother's house! I'm NOT joking! If he's old enough to be a parent and says he wants to......then he needs to take responsibility and ACT like it!

Can you plan something with another dad & child that they can do together...just the four of them? GIVE HIM A SPECIFIC time (2-3 hours or whatever) that is YOUR time to do things you need to do for you and that's designated as his one on one time. DONT back down on this. 2-3 hours out of a week is NOT too much to ask! Sounds VERY immature!

First and foremost, marriage has a tendency to take all of the bad things and the imperfections and amplify them. If you cannot convince this guy that he needs to be involved - and I don't really think you can do that - you need to make a plan and walk.

To stay will teach your son that it is okay to treat women this way. Please, for yourself and any future women in your son's life, walk away.

hi, my husband is almost the same...he will just do something what he wants to do..the difference is he helps in cleaning the house but with the kids, he doesnt help me...he started helping when I began making sarcastic remarks like" we are always late in the church because you dont want to help me with the kids, you will prepare yourself and get ready while me and the 2 kids are bathing, preparing hurriedly and now you dont want to be late!"...sigh...Sometimes I want to burst into tears, its like SAHM doesnt have the right to demand for help with working dads?!..recently my husband began to make a littlt bit time with my kids, helps me a little bit with them..i think prayer works..hehe...MEN are different, they will never know what a mom really feels =(

I think this is a very common problem. Women have come a long way with being able to work and raise their families but men(not all) are not doing a lot of comprimising. They like the extra money from the moms but don't want to take on any more responsibilty. It's really a difficult situation. It takes a lot of love and work to make this situation better. Unfortunately, I think women have to do a lot of acceptance if they really want it to work. Bottom line is you have to write out exactly what you are both willing to do and accept the comprimise. Pick your battles if you really want it to work(try never to mention the things you have accepted). For example, my husband does very little around the house but he works and I don't. He throws his clothes everywhere and I have decided to accept this and pick up after him and never say anything(let's face it, I would be nagging constantly and it's so much easier to just pick them up). I try and focus on all the good things he does and allow a few irritating habits like this; you know what I mean?? Accept some, work on the ones you can't accept. There has to be balance- only you can figure out what that balance is... you can't let too many things slide or you will be bitter. Once again, it takes a lot of love, kindness, understanding and WORK! You sound like a very hard worker so it may be up to you to lay out what needs to be done.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

My first and biggest piece of advice is DON'T MARRY HIM until he actually changes because once you are married things will either stay the same or get worse.

A friend of mine is going through the same thing with her fiance, he does absolutly nothing with their son and he is 4. I can tell you it didn't get better, all he does is sit on the couch and watch tv now that seems to be all her son wants to do.

She has actually just ended things with him, she decided that if she is having to do everything by herself she might as well be by herself. She was not happy and I think her son was hurting because of it, children have a very keen sense and they know more than we give them credit for.

I know it is not easy to go it on your own but don't settle, you will nevery be happy.

I am not sure if this is what you wanted to hear and I am sorry if I offended you in any way, but you really need to make a happy life for you and your child. Hope this helps you a little.

A.

T.: I wouldn't be having SECOND thoughts...I would be having FIRST thoughts. You really already answered your own question. You know that he isn't making you happy, and if you think he is not involved now....imagine how it will be after the marriage. Your baby will be better off with a dad that is involved with both of you and not just himself. He sounds very immature and very sexist, and you'd be better off alone. Sounds like you already are. Tell him how you feel, and let him know that you will move on if he doesn't hold up his end. You have to stand firm though, or he will not change. Good luck, and be strong.

Hi T.! I think in his eyes you saying you are going to leave are just empty threats. Sounds like you really need to leave him. He needs to know you are serious (basically treat him like a child). You need to follow through with your threats or he is just going to continue on with what he is doing. If he truly wants to be with you and the baby he will grow up and start helping out. Good luck!

D.

I am a military wife and mommy as well. Although my husband is great at helping, most of the time, I get frustrated as well. I think that a different approach may work better than threatning. Remember they go through something that we can never understand completely. I don't think it is fair that he doesn't help but there may be some underlying reason as to why he doesn't "help", what was his relationship with his father? This may be the way he learned how to be a dad from his parents. Being a parent comes natural to most of us mom's but takes work for dad's. Where is it that your man is? This isn't a great place to talk about that stuff, I know, so my email is ____@____.com and we can chat through that. Hope to hear from you!

I had a very wise instructor in college. He once said "Do you know why my life (kids and wife) are so successful? Because, my wife and I always worked on our relationship first, and then we focused on the kids." He explained that the marriage was the foundation for the family, and that if the foundation was weak, the family would fall apart. That was one of the most useful pieces of information that I had ever received. We (my husband and I) try to remember this whenever we are getting stressed and agitated with each other. However, if you already feel like a single mother, maybe it is not such a good idea to marry this guy. Parenting is about communication and compromise, but he sounds like he does not want to do either one. If you have 2nd thoughts about getting married, then this is your brain trying to tell you "HEY this is not the guy for me." I never had a 2nd thought about marrying my husband, I just knew, and we are extremely happy.

I hate to say it T. but it sounds like a bad idea to marry this guy. It's one thing to maybe not be ready for a baby and be unsure of what to do, but it sounds like your guy has preconceived ideas about parenting that you don't agree with. No matter how much you love him, I think these big differences in parenting philosophies will break you apart eventually regardless. There is absolutely no rush to marry, so you can wait. Make a break and either ask for family or friends to assist you in your transition - and see if things change with your man. If not, I'd include him in your son's life as much as he wants, but I'd conside my future without him in it.

Good luck - I hope you get some rest.

Dear T.,

He sounds like NOT husband material. If he hasn't yet shown any inclination to help it isn't likely that he will. Getting married will just leave you with another headache in getting rid of him.

God Bless,

S.

DO NOT I repeat DO NOT marry him unless he changes his ways. My husband is a 37 year old child. I feel like a single mother of 2. He goes to work comes home plays with the animals and then eventually gets around to the boy.It breaks my heart because I see my son looking at his father playing with the dog and I'm sure wondering "hey what about me?" The little one gets so excited about seeing his daddy but has to wait until he's done with the pets, which are now fully my responsibility even though he's the one who wanted all 4 of them!!Now don't get me wrong I'm a stay at home mom running an at home business(this is what doesn't get as much attention because I can't do everything by myself)We live in a good size house and my husband wants to buy a house(which I will not do until he shows he can help take care of it)I bought him a hedge trimmer 2 weeks ago, he still hasn't used it. He leaves his dishes all over the house and then gives ME attitude that the house is a mess, I AM home all day sitting around eating bon bons you know! I've been trying to paint the kitchen for over a month now, I can't get enough time to actually get the patching and priming done(we rent from my friend and this is an old house that needs to be loved on)
I still don't have my vegetable garden in because I can't get enough time or help to clean out the garden bed. So like I said, DO NOT MARRY HIM UNTIL HE SHOWS THE MOTIVATION TO BE A HUSBAND AND FATHER. Right now he's acting like a child, perhaps he should move back in with his mother.

Tell him this is not the olden days and that the fathers do help with raising the children. If he can't help out and be involved with your child then he needs to hit the road. If you are having second thoughts about getting married then you probably shouldn't do it. If he wanted to change he would. He was not ready for a baby yet. You don't want your son growing up with that type of example. Get out and find yourself a man who is willing to be involved and help out. You basically are a single mother. If I was in your shoes I'd be kicking him to the curb. My husband works 3:30 p.m. until midnight or later depending on the work load and service calls. He still helps out with the kids and housework. He put in 22 hrs. straight before slept for about 5-6 hours got up and took the kids with him to give me a break. It is time for you to look out for your sons welfare and tell dad hit the road if he isn't going to change and help out. Don't back down if he starts his I'll change thing. Good luck.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

Hi T. - first, I would advise you to take a deep breath! there's lots of energy behind the well-intentioned advice you're getting, but you have to make the space to figure out what works for you. Your situation sounds a lot like the beginning of my own relationship with my husband (we weren't married, he didn't help out with the baby, etc) and we now have 3 kids and are married. He does more work around the house than ever before, tho it will never be equal. Here is a link from an article in the NY Times last Sunday that I have forwarded to lots of mommy-friends since so many of us are struggling with these issues. Basically it describes how difficult it is to create an equal parenting situation, partly because of social norms and pressures, partly because your partner has to buy in to the idea. So if you can't achieve that kind of arrangement with your own partner, you have to give it some hard thought about what you are willing to accept from him and spell it out (write it down). You have to be honest about what you are looking for in raising your kid(s). you may decide he has other qualities that balance out his lack of effort in parenting. Or you may decide he doesn't! I will say that it's been a hard road for me, getting my husband onboard with helping me on the domestic front (we now have 3 kids and our roles are fairly traditional and gendered). Some men just don't seem to be able to do it without it feeling like a power struggle or like he's being henpecked. This article in the NY Times is a great way to really see what the trade-offs are upfront - before you make any major decisions for one thing or another! Good luck. Here's the article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/magazine/15parenting-t....

hi, i'm 25 and just seperated from my husband. I have twins and a 7 month old. My husband who failed to keep a job longer than 3 weeks would sleep until 10, wake up, come downstairs and watch tv, yell at the kids for being infront of it while watching me bust my butt to get them changed fed dressed and ready to go. Then if we were going somewhere, he would get in the shower as soon as the kids were ready to go that way when he was ready we could walk out the door - keep in mind i hadnt had time to get ready. he'd get mad if i wasnt ready when he was. Then...for bathtime, it was like pulling hair to get him to help me. Like your fiance, when we were engaged, things were the same....he said he'd change....and 3 years later - i moved out and took the kids b/c he still hasnt changed....still hadnt gotten a job, doesnt help significantly with the kids, became verbally abusive towards all of us and began to lie and steal more than ever. I gues waht i'm saying is marriage wont make things better. If you want to give him teh time to "change" then try that before you get married...i'm struggling now with divorce - it's a big step and i'm affraid. if you think it'll be a mistake to marry him then dont...give him time to "change" if you want but fyi my husband said he'd change and he'd change for a week and then revert back to himself...if not worse. Good Luck....

T.-
I know that you want some one on this site to tell you that you should stay with this man. However, in your heart you already know that if you marry him, this is what you get. No matter how much pleading, compplaining etc. he is not going to change. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Every morning tell yourself this until you get the courage to leave. You will be fine. You are already a single mother... you are already fine.

Your son deserves a father who interacts with him, if you stay, your son will turn out just like the father in his life.... he wil learn that men sit around and do nothing adn leave everything to the woman... do you want that for your son?

YOu have to remember that leaving him is NOT a failure..... it isyou taking control of yoru life and succeeding. You fail when you stay in a situation that leaves you unhappy. I know I have been there.

A good relationship is one in which there is very little work that needs to be done... my husband and I love one another and accept one another as we are...however, we also respect one another and help each other. he is a hands on father, terrific husband and attentive while still working and getting friend time as well. You need, deserve and should settle for nothting less then a man who will be balanced in family, work and free time.

I give you permission ( Not sure if thats the right word) to leave this man and be happy. Go girl, run before it is too late...your son has not developed a relationship with this man, he and youwill be better off.

You ARE a single mother!
Do NOT marry him because the same thing will go on and on...
He has told you his idea of fatherhood and shown you too.
BELIEVE it!
Make your decisions based on that.
Do you want that for the rest of your life?

Yow. I don't know if "leave him now" is the best solution, but definitely try to get some counseling together before you embark on a whole lifetime of marriage and childrearing. Obviously his expectations of what dad is supposed to do are not going to work out well for your sanity, your relationship, or your son's emotional health. (Babies need all the love they can get, from dad as well as mom! and if he doesn't do anything with your son now, how is he suddenly going to be able to relate to him when he's 3?? He won't have any idea who the kid is!)
I would explain to him, in the least accusatory way possible, that the way your relationship is right now is just not going to work for you, you are completely drained both physically and emotionally, and if the two of you are going to stay together (which you want to do for your son's sake, and because you still love him, etc. etc.) you are going to have to see a counselor to work out a different way of being together.
And if you get nowhere with that request, then yes, you should leave, so you don't get totally burnt out. 3 jobs (mothering, day job, and keeping your own house) is at least better than 4 (all that plus housing & feeding a man who doesn't even repay you with a little encouragement)!
If he eventually wants to come back, or wants to be part of his son's life, do leave the counseling option open. I pray you will make it as a family, but it's clear he's not going to change on his own, and he won't hear it from you--he needs someone from outside the situation to help him change his attitudes.

And you know, I have had to give up some of my own expectations about how my husband would help out at home. For example, when he found a job (I was the one with a regular paycheck when we first married), he pretty much completely quit washing dishes. Like overnight. and I got pretty resentful about that for a while, but eventually accepted that it is just his least favorite chore and he's perfectly willing to help in other ways, like cooking breakfast, taking the baby for a walk when he's fussy, weeding the garden, taking the trash out (if I bag it up & give it to him). Then again I'm not working outside home right now. And he has to leave for work by 7:30, 6 days a week, so I feel I can cut him some slack since I'm not the only one who doesn't get to sleep in. I don't mean to say you don't need a more realistic division of labor, just that there are many forms that can take, and flexibility helps. But do NOT compromise on the bottom line, that he needs to be an attentive father and to care for you by not making your load too much to bear.

I wish you all the best, hope you can work out something better.

(25 yo, married a year & a half, son about 3 mos, going back to grad school in the fall, I think.)

My DH never did anything either. I've found that if I leave him a list instead of verbally saying "do this," "now do that..." he is much more likely to help out.

You're getting a lot of advice to "leave the bum" but he will always be your son's father. You will always have a relationship with this man. You should go for counseling before you think about leaving. If he won't go with you, go alone. You might be surprised to find a simple solution.

Things will not get better when he gets out. If you get married they won't get better either. Time for counciling, if he won't do go to counciling with you, make an attempt to join the real world of family life it may be time for you to move on with your life and leave him behind.
He has all ready set the course for how he wants his life with you to be. It won't get better if you don't force it to get better.

He probably doesn't know how to be a dad, if he didn't have a good role model he won't know how to act. You should pray for him-he is the only daddy your son will ever have. No one will take his place. You probably should have thought about that before you chose him to be the father of you son. Now you can encourage him to be an attentive father. Good Luck!

T.,
You sound so tired. I have been there for 12 years now. I have 3 and my youngest now is 2 years. The 2 older ones has a dad that has been supportive when they were first born, after that he cheated and left. My 2 year olds father has been here taking care of my girls since my middle child was 4years old, she's 10 now. The thing is, is that he was so wanting a baby but never realized how much work it really is. He too hardly took care of her, I finally forced her on him. He only works 8 hours and has not spent time with any of the kids, unless he is forced to play with them. I should say when he's around his family, because we have all girls and his sister has a son, he'll be there for them, but not us. I am a little jealous over this, because even his own daughter he won't do anything with.
For your husband, he sounds pretty busy! And he's probably got a lot on his mind. I notice when men worry, they don't really show any interest in us or our kids.
And on top of it you could have a boyfriend/husband like my sister in law, he has never changed a diaper, won't stay up with the child, won't play with him unless its in front of us, has never fed or bathe him, won't go to appointments, nothing. He don't work, he drinks all the time, sleeps half the time when he's not drunk, and don't bring in no income for his son or her. She works a 12 hour shift, may get 2 hours or 3 hours sleep, depends on if the baby works with her. She has to go to all the family events and take her son to his appointments, she is the only one supporting her family and him. He does alot of gambeling, but most the time loses, and when he does win, it goes directly on alcohol!
I really feel bad for you and her I guess, I'm one of the few that are glad that I finally found someone that atleast works and pays bills. I guess I'm glad he comes home to us and he does say hello and gives us a hug and a kiss. He tries with us I guess. I hope things get better.
Good Luck!

T.,

This man is obviously not giving you the support you need, either as a partner or as a parent. I'd suggest asking him to come with you to see a relationship/family counselor. If he's not willing to go, then go by yourself, but at least get some guidance from someone who's trained in this sort of thing. You absolutely do NOT want to marry him given the way things currently stand between the two of you. If he's willing to really work on improving your relationship, then he might eventually be marriage material, but don't even think about agreeing to an engagement unless you two are on more of an even footing and your sense of helplessness/resentment is gone.

I will say a prayer tonight for all three of you that you'll be able to work through this. Good luck!

-E.

Hi T.! Okay, this is one of the hardest parts of being a first time mom. You need to come to the realization that women are the caregivers for the first year or two in most situations. It's not that the men don't love the child, it's just that they aren't really into the baby phase. They're not like women, able to sit there and console a crying baby, or hold one just to be holding one. They just wonder "now what?" when they're handed a baby. Until you realize that it's just how men in general are built, you're going to cause yourself some real heartache and anger over something you have no control over. It does get better though. My husband started to become more involved with our kids when they started interacting back with him. Once they were crawling around and stuff he started being more involved. Just so you know though, my husband has never given our kids a bath, and they're 4 and 5. He has only just started taking them places with him over the last couple of years, and just over the last couple of years, we've decided to take turns sleeping in.

It's hard at first, because during your pregnancy, you get yourself all focused on a certain way you think things will be. I wish someone had told me ahead of time that my husband would be a certain way, but I guess even if they had, I would've said "oh, he won't be like that". Anyway, just try to accept it, and instead of focusing on this negative aspect of your family, focus on how lucky you are to be together as a family, and how lucky you are to only be having to work part time. If you keep holding onto these expectations for your fiance, you're going to strain your relationship. It's not his fault....you need to realize that, he's just a guy, being a guy. Some women may tell you that it's not fair he's not helping, but the truth is, the guys that do help are rare, and the majority are still just like long ago when our grandparents were younger...men are providers, women are caretakers. You'll accept it, trust me, and then you can just enjoy him and your baby.

hey T.

i agree with some of the women are say do what u say and mean the only thin u will miss is someone laying nexxt to u at night some times, you do everything else, 2 i was a army wife for three yrs and my husband came home and did whatever need to be done at the house to, seems like your husband is lazy, me and my husband had r first child after he came back from overseas and was injuryedclose to the due dat he was worryed bout his injuryes but i told him she b=never new u before she will grow up and know the person u r now is her daddy when she was born he was always with her tryin to play to soon. some men see a small tiny baby think they will hur the baby and dont want nothin to do witht hem until there big enough to play with, i lived with my father for three months and he never touched look or talk to my baby while she lived there but when she got big enough he started to pick her up on his on and my dad has 12 kids lol, or he can be depressed the life style that he life anit nothing u need to brake away from that life style too y dont u try to do more family thing togather or find a sitter if u run out of thing to do my husband father was never apart of his life so he said he would never be like that with his own. how old is he any ? bottom line dont wast ur time tell him to get in the game or out u can do better

I agree w/ most of what everyone else has said. Aside from counselling or giving him a taste of what life would be like w/ out for a week or so... MAKE him do stuff w/ your son a few times. Like, next time you are both laying in bed and he's crying... tell your fiance to get up & do it. Ask him why he can't if he says no. Or leave your son there while you run to the store or something. If that doesn't help I definitely agree with getting out of the relationship. You don't want to spend the rest of your life like that. It is easier to raise a child alone, then raise a child and a husband. It's just double work for no reason. Good luck!!

I am a working mother ( 40 plus hours a week ) of four darling children ( just thought I'd offer my references :)
Heres the deal , T.. He isn't going to change, You Are a single mother and thats that. My advice? Tell him to hit the bricks ( unless you like living like this? ) Or get involved!!!! From the sounds of it, if he does leave,..you're life really won't change so much. It took alot of time for my hubby to "see the light" but it was Him that decided that a change was needed. I threatened, I begged, I even removed his "hubby rights" for a while...nothing helped. Give him one last chance to make a change,..that way You have no guilt..and if he doesn't ? You'll know what you need to do.
I hope this helps,I will pray for you! I know that this will be tough for you,..but moms are made of pretty hard stuff :)
Be well and God bless!

T.,
Men are like children and need training on a daily basis. If he said he will change give him that Last Chance. Before you do though you need to let him know how you feel. First write it all down everything you want him to know. Be Honest and don't hold back how it all makes you feel. Warn him before you let it all out that you are going to ,but stress to him that you are at your wits end and that things need to change if he values your relationship. My husband was not working much and did nothing around the house and I told him I needed to marry a man not another dependent. I gave him a time limit to change his ways and kept his clothes packed until he did. We got married two years ago and couldn't be happier. We talk alot and tell each other the truth. I believe that even though the truth may hurt you can't grow as a person if everyone lies to you. So be honest and calm but very matter of factly. I hope it all works out and if it doesn't remember lots of single moms raise reat kids mine did.

Hi T., I agree with most of the posts about Dad not being a very good Dad until your son is older, ok maybe some men look at it like that. What I do not agree with, which I did not see mentioned in the posts defending Dad, if he cant/wont help with baby, then pick up the slack and help you with house, laundry, cooking,( anyone can make a sandwhich or salad, learn to cook, learn to do laundry, start with darks first:-) If he wont do the baby thing, he should be vaccumming, mopping, ect. Unless he is deployed , which it did not sound like. If you can live like this rest of your life, marry him. But you are already resentful, imagine when you do not have an out, and a HUGE divorce bill. Good Luck, and God Bless, A.

You cannot change him but you can change things for yourself. Do not make threats or promises. If you say something you need to follow through. Take time for yourself. There is so much to say but basically, you need to make sure you and your baby are happy. I don't feel like I've been a lot of help but hopefully you are getting some good advice. Speaking of advice there is a book called "Secrets of the Vine" it is very good. It is a Christian book by author Bruce Wilkinson. Good Luck.

Just wanted to send a little encouragement and advice. My husband wasn't involved much when our kids (now 2 & 3) were babies. Some guys really aren't into babies. They really just don't know what to do with them. To us it seems obvious, but to them it really isn't. And getting annoyed at them can just make them pull back further. My husband has always loved our kids, although, like you I can count on one hand the diapers he changed and he never bathed our kids when they were babies. Now that they are bigger it is like they crossed some kind of magic line and he is totally hands on, so maybe there is something to what your fiance is saying. I'm sure this is really hard for you. It really is too bad that you have to work and do all of this yourself. It must be so difficult. Take heart in knowing that you are almost through the really difficult firt couple months and hopefully things with the baby will start easing up. Remember that this stage of life really will go by fast so do your best not to get too caught up in being bitter with daddy, but focus on enjoying your baby. You can still work on getting daddy more involved, but you might want to try doing it gently. I know it seems annoying, but try not to get angry with him and praise him for every little thing that he does. Even if it goes against how you're feeling at that moment, hug and encourage him. Tell him he's a great dad. Tell him that you can see how much the baby likes to spend time with him. Tell him he's really good at taking care of the baby. And try not to nag. As much as we want to voice our disappointment, it will not get us to the ends we are looking for. It only makes men withdraw more. Try to hold your tongue. I found so much peace and encouragement through my relationship with God. I hope that this is helpful. I hope for the best for you!

No T., he probably won't change. Can you afford couples counseling? Maybe having a neutral third party can help you two air your differences without feeling threatened.

Men are usually on the BEST behavior they are capable of during courtship. Then when marriage comes along all of the "little" things that bothered you before are magnified 100 times.

Hi T.,

Wow--rough times for you! Several people mentioned couples counseling. If he won't go, you should go anyway, by yourself (you might be able to take the baby if you can't find a sitter--ask). Sometimes having that neutral sounding-board helps alot.

Could you find another mom in the same situation and swap childcare ? For instance, you keep both babies for two hours on Tuesday, she keeps them both for two hours on Thursday? Even if you just get together with another mom and take your babies for a walk or to the park or something like that for a change of scenery (for you as much as him) it might be fun.

Remember to take care of yourself--good nutrition, exercise, a little fun time (yeah, it's real tough right now because the baby is so little but that will change). you are worth it.

Just some thoughts, I hope that helps.

Good luck and blaessings to you!

K. Z.

I have heard of the "after 3 the father takes over" bit from one of my hubby's co-workers when we both were in the military. He explained that he has a deep fear of harming his children when they are little and can't "play" with his children until around 3. I know this isn't great advice but you might ask your hubby if he is just uncomfortable holding a child that is so little and "fragile." One thing to do is to go run errands when he gets home and have him take over while you do them. For even a half hour and see what he does.

If it were me in your situation i would let it go. It seems like you guys are a hender to him. He does all the things he likes by himself and doesn't do anything with you guys. He's acting like most men. I don't want to be w/her but i don't want anyone else to have her. He's just as unhappy as you are but he doesn't want to say anything because he know's you will leave him. I would tell him that you guys need time apart and see how you like being by yourself. Well basically that is the situation your in now. he's there physically but not in any other way. You can do bad by yourself. Thats just my suggestion.