Hi my oldest son is 6 next week and we have been having a lot of behavior issues. He has been defiant, disobedient and then when he gets in trouble he starts talking negatively about himself says he is dumb and no one likes him and things like that. Positive reinforcement has always worked very well with him in the past and we plan to start that up again. Just wondering if any mom's have any other suggestions specifically for the negative talk he is doing about himself.
Tell him "I always love you. I don't always love some of your choices.". Differentiate between the bad choice and him. Tell him everyone makes bad choices some times, but we can learn to make different choices that might be better the next time. Playing for sympathy does not get one out of suffering the consequences from making the bad choice.
I personally think that many, many children do this in regards to the negative self talk.
And they may do it for different reasons.
One of those reasons is that they may be thinking, "I know I shouldn't have done that, but I did it anyway, therefore, I must be dumb."
OR, if the sneaky little boogers can get you to feel badly for them, maybe they won't get punished after all. Hey, when you're a kid, it's always worth a try. If this tactic doesn't work, they can also try the, "But remember how cute I am? How could you not love this little face?" tactic.
Just make sure you differentiate between the child being bad and the behavior being bad. They really are two different things and 6 year olds can easily understand this. "I love you, but I don't like the disobedience, at all."
Both of my children tried the "nobody likes me" routine and you know what I did?
I started singing, "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm going to eat some worms. Short fat fuzzy one, long slick slimy ones......"
My kids could never keep a straight face so I had interjected some humor long enough for them to quit their pouting and talk to them about why they were in trouble and why pouting wasn't going to get them out of it. Their punishment was still the same, but it's because I loved them that they weren't getting out of it.
Love, hugs, and kisses, but there was still going to be a consequence and if they didn't want to be in trouble for the same thing again, (and here comes something my kids could say in their sleep)....
"Think before you do."
Just be consistent with your son. It's better to get all of this stuff out of the way now as opposed to later.
Best wishes.
Is he in school? Have you spoken with is teacher? What has she observed? Is his behavior towards other children? Is it disruptive to the class?
What changes have occurred at home, at school? Does he have friends that he plays with?
When you discipline him make sure it is not made about him, but the behaviors. Without more information, it is hard to suggest what to suggest.
My son was like this from about age 5 -6 1/2. I think what worked best for me (I tried a LOT of approaches), was to get down on his level, look him in the eye, and say "you know that is not true. I always love you, even when you do something wrong (bad choice, etc). I just don't love those THINGS. Now I want you to say 2 nice things about yourself." He would reluctantly do that but I believe negative self talk is very destructive and so I know having him say something out loud that is positive about himself is always an important thing in these situations.
Now that he has turned 7 it doesn't happen, but when he is "down" or choosing to be angry, I remind him to try to think a positive thought and usually have him say something out loud. Teaching a child to use his brain to change his attitude can be a HUGE life skill most adults still need.
The book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk gives valuable insight into how to draw a child out and empathize with rather than try to deny his feelings. Read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... I think you'll be impressed with the possibilities. We use these techniques with my 4yo grandson with consistently positive results.
My daughter is 7 and sometimes she does that too when she gets in trouble - she'll say "i'm just dumb" or "everyone hates me" ... etc etc. I thought that was normal - a few of my friends w/kids around that age have mentioned the same thing to me. I used to constantly be like "no you're not" "no one hates you" ... but then it just got out of control so i started ignoring it. or i'll make ONE comment like "you know that's not true" then ignore it.
