How Do You Stop the Pout?

I'm a little confused by this topic, so it's possible that she is too. For M., I don't understand the "pouting will NOT be tolerated" when really it's J. a child displaying disappointment or sadness. It starts to sound an awful lot like "stop being sad or mad." So I don't get the attitude that it must be stopped, when really the child needs coping skills, and needs very much to understand that the feeling underneath is NOT the problem. The kid gets to be disappointed, sad, mad, whatever it is she's feeling. Sounds like she feels it big enough to affect her whole disposition. I am not one to believe that kids are using those kinds of faces to manipulate us, they are actually having genuine feelings.

You may benefit from trying to talk about why she feels the way she does -- "when something bad happens you seem to go into a mope for a long time, what's that like?" Maybe she would benefit from some quiet time to herself when she feels that way, perhaps a "confrontation" is not her preferred route. But she needs to know that it's OK to feel upset when her mother is upset at her (nobody likes it when someone is mad at them!), don't make her feel punished for feeling it. Would a hug help, or a few minutes alone, or something else? The key is to help her find a way to cope with her emotions, not to shut them off entirely.

We never did and still do not respond or acknowledge pouting. It is like whining. We do not understand it.

When your daughter pouts, have her go and have a quiet time until SHE feels better. Ignore her and let HER deal with it. Do not allow her to take the joy out of the situation. If she whines to you, remind her "to use her regular voice and use her words". Also tell her you "do not like seeing that "face"." And other people do not like pouters.

Maybe try to get a picture of it (pull it out when she gets older) and show her that it is not a good face.

My sister is the best "pouter in the world". When her kids would pout, she would make the most exaggerated pout ever and pout "over them". She would stomp one foot. They would all crack up.

They learned very quickly, they could not "out do" her pouting. She still really is the Queen of pouting.. Sigh..

Not sure how to avoid her re: the 2nd question...all the moms in my son's prek class complained about the same thing and the kids were 4 & 5 yos. I think they are J. trying out their independence.

As for the pouting, whenever my kid starts pouting or even complaining, I make him tell M. 5 things that he is happy about. It takes the focus off what he's unhappy or angry about at the moment. He hates doing it but he can't continue what he wants to do until I make him give M. the 5 things. Maybe you can try that w/her?

Has she ever read The Pout Pout Fish? LOL Maybe it can become your "code" for "STOP POUTING"!

Whenever there is something you want to make a rule, you have to enforce it. Pouting qualifies. In my house with my son it was whining. We decided it wouldn't be allowed, so we had to enforce. I don't know when ignoring will be regarded and negligent advice rather than popular advice, but that's the reason she got used to pouting as long as she wants. If she's pouting for 30 minutes, YOU are allowing it. She should attempt pouting for a couple of seconds, but then the ball is in YOUR court to give her the calm, clear heads up to quit, and then a calm, clear, firm consequence if she decides to proceed. You control it for her at first, then she learns she has to control it, then she's in the habit of not pouting after that. Same with ignoring you when you talk. Enforce. Like anything else that's not allowed, she won't do it.
Our big extended family has the "no pouty face" rule. All the toddlers go through the age where they first try it and all the parents, aunts, uncles and older kids yell, "NO POUTY FACE" if they see it. It's a fun game, but the catch is, it really is a warning and the second step will be discipline, so the kids never try it for long. If someone has yelled, "No pouty face!" Mom or dad pops up to make sure the tiny offender is monitored accordingly.

At 4 1/2, your daughter has no trouble controlling herself, she J. likes to pout. Don't allow it. In public with friends she gets a warning before you get there that if she tries to pout, you leave. Do it. I think leaving is EXCEPTIONALLY MEAN and we've never done it, I'll enforce discipline in a bathroom or car and then return to the play area to let the kids show they can act well, but at first, you won't have control at this age. Consistency at home with consequences will reduce your need to enforce in public. You may need to leave once for her to believe you the next time in conjunction with the fact you are enforcing at all other times too.

AND NO POUTING because you are implementing discipline (same goes for tantrums) let her cry for and appropriate minute or two, but then a calm warning to nip the theatrics or discipline will resume.

As clarification, this is not my advice "whenever your child is showing an emotion" like sadness or anger or a normal amount of child angst, this is in regard to the whining which you have specified is excessive and a problem despite the other methods you have tried.

Well.... she's only 4 1/2 years old. She could be throwing major, house shattering tantrums. But she's using her words when you talk to her and pouting. Whining is also a developmental thing at this age. All of this behavior is pretty on target for her age.

The best thing you can do is ignore the behaviors that you don't want her to continue. Right now you're reacting and responding to the pouting and whining so she's continuing to do it. If she stops getting the attention for it, she'll stop doing it. Although you might not like the behaviors that replace it. :-)

Apparently I was a pouty kid. My mother used to always say, in a really disparaging tone, "You never got angry, you'd J. POUT." (She'll probably still say it if you get her on the subject.) I guess that was my big flaw. I was too nice to ever give anyone else sh*t.

Anyway, enough about my issues -- as a formerly pouty kid, I can tell you that the reasons I "pouted" were 1) because I didn't feel listened to and my feelings were discounted and 2) because I was too afraid to express my feelings.

Therefore: 1) Make sure you mirror your child's emotions. "It looks like you are upset that _______________."

2) Keep role playing. It is very important for her to find her voice. Make her actually say the statements. You can make up the statements for her, and have her repeat what you say; and when she gets better at it you can have her make up her own statements. You are on the right track -- it is really important that she learns to speak her mind. Once she is comfortable doing it, she will stop pouting.

For my two (six and four) our solution was for M. to "grab their lip". This only works when we are one on one/at home, but if they start huffing around and pouting, I get this crafty/concerned look on my face and say, "Is that a lip? Do I see a lip? Do I get to grab it?" and I sidle a little closer, smile at them and raise my hand in a pinching position. They cannot help themselves-first they usually tuck their pouting lip back in, and then THEY start to giggle and poke their lip back out for my to try and grab it. It works nearly every time, even when they are SERIOUSLY pouty. It's J. a matter of making them realize how silly it looks. I've never actually had to grab their lip, even though I pretend to try. Even if they are still crabby it breaks the mood and helps us move on to a better attitude.

Of course, you need to try to talk the sense out her. Tell her that mommy loves her a lot and wants her to be a good girl... but good girls don't pout and always do what mommy tells her to do. And pouting won't solve the problem... Does she want to solve the problem or stay pouty over the same thing? Try to tell her gently to stop this habit... and reward her with candy, whatever etc. if she hasn't pouted for the whole day. Remind her constantly.
My mother used to force M. to stand and do nothing (not even eat) until I solved the problem myself and stopped pouting. It may seem cruel but it's actually very effective.
As for the ignoring problem, I think it's a more serious problem than the first one. My daughter is entering puberty - and she's starting to ignore M. for a few minutes when I tell her to do something too. If she starts doing this at such an early age think of the problems it would cause when she gets older if it isn't stopped... This is what I do for my daughter. I give her the silent treatment. This is extremely effective for her. I don't know about younger kids, but it's worth a try I guess... J. a suggestion. But anyway, bribery is always the best option for younger kids.

Hi Jen:
It is all about getting needs met. Your daughter is communicating that
she has an unmet need.

It is about you listening and your child talking.
Ask questions:

What happened?
What were you thinking?
What has been affected by what happened?
What do you need to make things right?
then go from there.
Remember: Be a reporter,get the facts. Help her Find a solution

No Lectures or scolding your child please.
D.

J. remind her that pouting does nothing except make you sad inside and if you want things to work out then you need to be more vocal. My daughter was always a very quiet girl at this age. Once she started getting older she figured out that this was not really working for her. Now she is a very vocal girl and I am surprised at the personality change. Kids go through so many stages on many things that help them grow up and all you can do as a parent is be and eventually they will understand the concept that the rules don't change.