Pouting and 8 Year Old Girls

My 8 year old is a champion pouter. Not that it has ever gotten her anywhere, but apparently hope springs eternal. When she starts to pout, we send her to her room. I tell her that even though she has the right to her feelings (disappointment, frustration), she does not have the right to try and make the rest of us miserable, and she can feel free to express those feelings in her own room, away from everyone else. Usually that prompts her to feel a whole lot better pretty much instantly (because it's not as fun to pout when you don't have an audience).

Wow! Sounds like some women I know!
I would not even acknowledge it unless she articulates what is bothering her, and I certainly would not adapt to please her.

It's a power game. "I'm sensitive, I don't deserve what's happening to me, I'm not going to talk to you, and I'm going to make a face at you, so I can make you feel guilty." That's not what she's saying in her head, but that's the way the game works.

It's unacceptable, but it's a common game at that age. Some people never grow out of it.

You can say, "Sweetie, I love you all to pieces, and (not BUT) I'm not going to play this game with you. If you have a problem, talk to me about it, because otherwise you'll have to take your pout out of sight. And pouts aren't fun when nobody else can see them."

When she does manage to talk to you about something, even if it's a little thing, stop whatever you're doing and give her your *full* attention. That's part of the remedy. Help her understand that she can feel hurt or angry about something, but she still needs to use her head, not just her emotions. "It's too bad that happened - what do you think you can do about it?"

By the way, I love B's comment about pouting being facial whining. Combine with that the saying, "Whining is anger forced through a very small opening."

never feed a drama llama!
i agree that trying to leap about to accommodate her is a mistake.
give her a hug, tell her that if she wants to bounce ideas off you you'll be happy to listen, and go on about your day.
flinging yourself about to fix it, or sternly reprimanding it, are both giving the llama the attention it craves. llamas love adrenaline.
starve it.
khairete
S.

This is VERY typical and normal at this age.

I am not saying it's OK, or easy to get through as the adult who has to deal with it, but rest assured it's normal.

Go to the site www.about.com and search on the phrase "your eight year old child" and look at the article there on "emotional development" for this age. The actual link is extremely long and I'm not sure it would post here. The article will let you know why she is acting this way!

Eight is one of the transitional ages for kids. Around the age of eight, kids are moving out of being a young child and starting the path towards puberty-- yes, puberty, even though they seem too young for that. You may feel like,"She doesn't act like a preteen, and I see no changes to her body," but believe me, this is the start of it all and she is not just being individually pouty.

I have a girl of 13. I cannot tell you how very many times, around this age, the moms of all her friends would say, "Is your daughter really sensitive and easily upset over nothing? Mine is, all the time, and I never know what might set her off into pouting/crying/being angry/stamping off to her room for no apparent reason." So you are not alone, and this is not just you kid being this way. Does it help to know that?

By about eight their bodies are starting to change and their brains are too, and they have much more complex mental lives at eight than we realize. They also are trying to "do it for myself" and start to push us away a bit -- and at the same time they are still kids and need us, though they may resist needing us too! The result: Poutiing and not telling us why, and not being satisfied no matter what we do to accommodate.

That's why, to me, unless she is really grumpy and disrespectful towards you and others as part of the pouting - it's not a basis for discipline but something you can choose to ignore. You asked how to manage it, and a lot of managing it is letting things go! This is truly, truly a case of "choose your battles" and it's not worth fighting the fact that she is touchy and sensitive; she actually can't fully help being that way though it may seem to an adult that "She could choose to be more cheerful, she could choose to stop pouting." Not entirely, not at this age or at some stages to come. I am not saying to cut her slack if she is mouthy or sassy or rude, but I do say ignore whatever you can ignore. Offer one "modification" that is reasonable and if she says never mind, then drop it.

Our school counselor then and now, with larger issues, advised giving a kid space to BE sensitive and grumpy. Acknowledge it and don't judge. Make statements (if you have some idea why she's being that way) like: "I can see how you'd be worried about that" or "Wow, it does sound tough" or things that show you are recognizing her feelings, and don't always try to solve things or have her "come up with answers." She doesn't really want answers, she wants to....be grumpy, for a time, and just needs to know you're there.

Yes, do take things away or tell her to leave the room take some time by herself if she is being annoyingly pouty and can't move on from it. Absolutely. And distracting her from her pout (like you'd distract a toddler who is unable to stop fussing!) can work. But short of rudeness or lashiing out that's not acceptable -- acknowledge, let go of what you can, and wait. This is HARD to do. I still have a hard time remembering to do it with my young teen and often kick myself for not remembering, "Step back, don't try to solve things or tell her what to do, acknowledge and don't engage."

You may get comments on here about hard discipline and crushing her for this but it will make her worse over time, especially if this is general over-sensitivity and not some specific behavioral issue.

Let her pout. She is fully aware that this behavior gets her the attention and control she is seeking.

If you make accommodations to her behavior, she will continue to control what you and your family do.

Pouting is not going to hurt her.. ignore it and do your own thing. It may take a while if you have been accommodating this behavior but she'll eventually realize that you won't budge anymore and that you are the parent.

EX: My now almost 20 yr old was a whiner. I made up a little song and EVERYTIME she would whine, I would sing, Wendy Whiner go away come again another day. It got to the point that it was comical and to this day, if I ever call her Wendy she perks up and knows EXACTLY what I am saying. I refused to have discussions with a whiney voice. She is just fine and living on her own right now.

Please re-read Leigh's excellent advice.

I don't have an eight year old (yet), but worked with quite a handful of 8 year old girls over the years as a nanny; I found that if I asked "if *you* can figure out some way that I can help you, let me know", gave them a quick empathetic squeeze on the arm and went back to what I was doing, they generally were able to turn it around faster if I made that offer (let them figure out the problem-- hey, I'm here if you have a solution) and didn't criminalize the pouting itself.

If the pouting escalated to snippy/snotty outward behavior, then I would gently-but firmly- suggest to the child that she 'go take a book break for a little bit', which worked well. It wasn't to punish; the girls knew that I was telling them to more or less go take that break because they *weren't* being friendly and needed to just go do something which would hit that reset button for them.

And think about it -- REALLY think. Would we like to be penalized as adults every time we were in a funk, were in a bad mood? Would we want our partners to send us to our rooms if we were any less than sunny and happy? I believe that the more we can be at peace, *ourselves as the adults* with the child's expressing their feelings, the more we can encourage genuine communication in the teen years and beyond. Knowing that our parents accept all of our feelings is so important. We can-- and should-- give our kids some help with how they express those feelings, but penalizing a mopey kid who is frustrated only makes this experience even more frustrating. Sure, they don't get the right to rain on everyone else's parade, but what we want to do right now is to give tools for appropriate self-expression,balanced with guidance as to limits. I know far too many people who hit a crisis point in their adulthood because their negative feelings weren't *allowed*, and esp. for girls and young women, this can severely impact their future relationships, how much competence they feel they have in themselves, their self worth ("If I vent my bad feelings and it's upsetting to others, then I become bad again") and it can often get to the point that those bottled up feelings do hit a breaking point, which is when these women come into emotional crisis years later, often in relationships and marriages, afraid to assert themselves or say "I have a problem" and really talk with their partners about their needs. I've watched as I myself, and other women I know, have had to do the work of rebuilding that part of themselves. We have to remember that we don't want to teach our girls to be people-pleasers for our own convenience, but to be more aware of their feelings, and then help them to become solution-oriented in their approaches. Long road, much teaching, grasshopper.

Kids pout. Let her pout, ignore it, and don't give in. No kid ever died from pouting, and the sooner she learns that it won't get her her way, the better for all of you, including her.

Don't play into it. Drama thrives on attention, both positive and negative. Let her pout, and if she starts to whine send her to her room.

I agree with Leigh. Let year be. If she seems upset and you ask her what's wrong and she says, "nothing,"' in the way that women sometimes do, just let it go. She's given you her answer. If something is bothering her and she does want to talk about it, she's going to have to recognize that this isn't the way to do it.

So it might help to gently say, "Ok, if you say it's nothing, I believe you. But if something is bothering you, you can always talk to me."

The thing is, she may not even know why she's feeling this way.

If she's upsetting those around her, sure let her know that her behavior is not ok or send her to her room. But if it's something that can be ignored, that's the route I would go.

Don't try to accommodate, but do give her space to feel her emotions and figure things out. Make sure she knows you are there for her should she need to talk or need cheering up. But she needs to use her words and ask. No trying to guess what's wrong.

When my 8 year old girl whines and pouts, I say go to your room and come back when you are ready. Sometimes it's in two minutes, sometimes it's in 20. They have to learn to deal with their emotions. They also have to learn that they can't always get what they want.

Ignore it. Or do what Hell on Heels says. I will comment that Hell on Heels' daughter does not seem as much sensitive as highly willful and dramatic (and charming and hecka funny), so it might not be the same personality type.

Tell her that you don't understand pouting.

Send her to her room (no electronics/tv in there).

Tell her when she is ready to talk to you and tell you what is wrong, she can come out and talk.

Tell her you can't read her mind... she has to start saying in a nice tone of voice what is wrong and what she needs.

Don't give in to her... don't try to accomodate her.......

Pouting is like any other negative behavior. If you want to teach her it's not an acceptable behavior, then you have to enforce a consequence when she does it after a warning. My third is very sensitive and prone to get upset -SINCE BIRTH-and now she's 4. I do let her pout a little bit at home if it's a harmless situation since it's her nature. I never give into it or anything of course. But if it's somewhere in public or friends are over or it's not a good time for drama I deliver a stern warning. I don't need to follow through because I've been consistent in the past. My three know pouting is bratty and not OK. They do try it. Again, if I want them to quit it, I warn them to quit it, and they know I'm serious.

Like anything else, if you want it to continue, ignore it. To me it's not good enough that kids eventually learn pouting does't work. To me they need to learn not to act that way.

Treat pouting like it's facial whining.
Don't accommodate it and if she wants to pout she can go do it in her room (no toys or electronics in her bedroom) and come out when she's finished.
Do not attempt to read her mind.
If she has something to say she needs to communicate it in a way that is understandable and pouting is not it.

My dd cries at the drop of a hat. She's starting to outgrow it, but still sensitive at the age of 11. No pouting, just cries and gets over it. It sounds like every kid handles it differently, but as long as she gets over it and it doesn't go on for hours, I'd say to pat her on the back to let her know you care, and after that there's not much more to do.

If she's getting over it so quickly to get to the "never mind" stage, then it's nothing major OR she's doing it for attention. She's not so sensitive that this is affecting her deeply. It's just frequent and demanding.

Yes, changing what you're doing is a mistake if she's recovering so quickly. Ignore her - she's getting the attention and getting you all to adjust what you are doing, but her attitude change is so immediate that it's not what you're changing that's helping, is the FACT that you're all letting her control things.

I'd ignore it, but if that doesn't work, you can suggest she go be by herself until she either feels better or she can talk about it. You don't want her to feel you're rejecting her, but there doesn't seem to be anything major going on either, so she's looking for validation in being able to manipulate the situation.

Then there's the "catch her being good" philosophy, of rewarding her with praise when it's warranted, acknowledging when being part of the group is so much fun, when sharing family time is its own reward, etc.

Good practice for when she's a tween and a teen and it's REALLY all about her!

Is she an early 8 or a late 8? I think we had more pouting at the beginning of 8. We are now 8.5 and it seems to have slowed down a lot.

I probably over analyze things, but with all the focus on school drama, I just sat her down and explained that we have to realize how much time we will give to being upset over things that are not that important.

I said to her, if we had to rate the situation,

Was it directed at you?
Did it hurt your feelings?
Did it hurt you physically?
Did it affect your school work?

then

Is it going to affect you?
Can you change it?

then

With 24 hours in a day, how much time out of your day did you give to drama?

Perhaps she needs a little picture and to just simply do a little growing. All kids are different. Some just come out more sensitive than others.