I have a 5 yr old girl who can be just an angel one minute and then something little can just put her in a mode of complete anger and hostility. She has always been like that and we have tried everything from time-outs (she's physically too strong to put there and kicks the walls until things break or fall down) to taking away toys, and privilages, nothing seems to really work.
We really focus on staying calm, having her take deep breaths or going to her room to have sometime to cool off. We are in my mind awesome parents, who have tried everything in the book. She has improved since kidnergarden and keeping a busy schedule actually seem to help a lot but we still have issues that come up. The # 1 issue is when she wants something and we say NO. She will do it anyway's (not all the time) and we do everything possible to stop her. She gets physical so easy She really takes it to exteme and we by no means let her rule the roost, but she will just turn into this frustrated angry charged little girl and we wonder, wow, she was perfectly happy just a minute ago and all of the sudden she's so upset. We talked to the doctor and he said if it's not happening at school then no worries with it, and she was fine at school.
We saw a counselor once but that fell through, the councelor was expecting a baby and we didn't want to get attached to her and then have to explain it all over again to someone else. We got busy with life, and never pursued that option again.
My daughter's other issue is always wanting to be with her older sister when she has a friend over and will not listen when I give her the ground rules. I usually say she can have some time with them and they get there time. I actually have to lock the door of my older daughters room so that she can enjoy some time with her friend with out the sister bugging her. If anyone could advise me on some idea's I would appreciate any!
I have simular issues with my son and just recently we cut sugar out of his daily menue and it seems to be helping a lot. Its really hard to do but we noticed that even one jelly belly and he became very agressive and mean. He seemed to be so out of control and angry when he was fine before. Just a thought
Sit down with her and have her draw her anger. Give her colored crayons and just give her time to draw anything she wants. when she is done have her explain the drawing, if she does not want to, wait until another time and have her explain later.
Also, have her draw your family and ask her to describe each person and their "place" in the family.
I know how you feel. My son is also very willful. He has tantrums that are really scary. I do believe in spanking but I found that this only made him more angry. I tired time outs, he would get out of time out and become physical at times.I have tried a range of other things suggested by books and other parents. I was worried he had emotional problems, or that we some how screwed up as parents. He is almost 4. I have heard and read that is all part of growing up. I know that this too will pass but in the interim, I can't have him thinking he is in charge around here. I know I have to lay down the law or we will have serious problems down the road. I thought about it and remembered I too was a willful child capable of horrible tantrums. I remembered what my mom had done, and probably her mother before. She used to grab hold of my ear and pull it ever so slightly. I know, it seems mean but it really works. Very effective way of getting attention... I think this technique must have been passed down from the dawn of humanity. And as an added bonus, if he begins his tantrum in say... the grocery store, rather than leaving as I have done in the past, I just have to give him the look and ask him if he wants me to pull his ear. He hasn't had a major out of control fit since. I have been dealing with this type of behavior from him since he was 18 months. I have tried so many things its almost stupid. This may not be what you were hoping for as a solution and perhaps it won't work for you. I just thought I would share and let you know your not alone and there is nothing wrong with your middle kid. She is just finding a way to let her voice be heard.
How sad. One idea is to check out "Love and Logic". It is a system of parenting that gives your child opportunities for choices and helps to teach them how to trust that you are doing things that will help them to be safe and happy. I'm sure you can find a copy of the book at the library or you can buy a copy. I love it because I've only been using it for a week or so with my son (he's 2.5) and I can already see a difference in his behavior! Basically the idea is to give them choices so they feel like they have control over some things in their life. The point is to give them choices that either response is something you can live with and you really don't care which option they choose. Such as "Would you like Pears or Peaches with dinner?" Both are healthy fruit choices that you could live with and she will feel like she got to make the decision. You can find all sorts of ways to use Love and Logic to improve her problem solving skills, build her self-confidence and help you and your family when she gets into her teen years!!! Good Luck!!!
Hi. I would highly recommend taking her to see a Homeopathic Doctor. Homeopathy works great for this type of issue. If you need a referral, let me know.
Blessings,
F.
Have you noticed if this behavior is worse when unexpected things that are not "on the schedule" happen? She may do well at school because it is very structured with a routine, schedule, etc. Some children really need this structure and when they go home and don't have the routine it can really mess them up. I had a student who was very similar to this, her parents asked me what to do and I suggested making a daily routine for after school and it really worked wonders. Just a thought...good luck!
Hello JS,
I think you wrote exactly the right answer for yourself in your request.
You intended to see a counselor and now you can follow through. A professional will be able to direct you toward the causes and the solution. Ask the teachers that you volunteer with if they can direct you to a good counselor.
Also, your Doctor was mistaken. Wherever the behavior is taking place, it needs to be addressed for you and for your family and for your little girl.
All the Best,
C.
I agree that you need to find a way for her to express her anger in a healthy way. If she gets phyical pick her up from behind with one arm so she is sideways from you and faceing away. Your arm should be around her waist and your other arm can stabelize it. This should give you enough time to move her to the spot you need her. You could also put yourself in timeout. You will need your 12yo's help on this as she will need to take the 2yo if you can't. When you are in time out the door is closed between you and your 5yo until she can calmly say she is done and ready for you to come out (I would sit in the bathroom with a book). I am afraid the bugging of the older sister is completely normal at this age and she will grow out of it. Rather it sounds like you need to get control of your daughter. You may want to look into gluten or dairy alergies as they can effect behavior.
I think it would be a great idea to buy the Love and Logic book from your bookstore. It is an amazing tool and will help you deal with your little girl, as well has help other family members be on the same page so to speak. I have 6 children and 6 equally wonderful grandchildren. I recently started a class with some teachers using the Love and Logic in the classroom. It is totally amazing! I wish I would have had this knowledge many years ago. You might also check sugar in the diet. Sometimes it can trigger anger. Good luck and God Bless. V.
I recently had some similiar behavior with my 7 year old twins, especially my boy twin. I am currently in a love and logic class and it has been a true life saver. This class was offered through Stevens Elementry, however I do know they are doing another one here in like three weeks. Its a six week course for one night a week for two hours.How to get info on it would be to contact Kendra Denny Billig, ____@____.com has been so great in letting people attend this. I don't know if this is helpful but I hope you can use it. Also thier is a website too but I found hard to understand with out a facillitater teaching it in person.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/articles.html
I normally wouldn't butt into this, but you do have a behavior issue that isn't normal in my estimation. Locking doors and having problems with phycical control at home, even if it hasn't happened at school (yet) suggests you and your child do need some coaching. You've tried a lot of approaches and I think they have been pretty innovative. I'd revisit the counseling solution immediately and not quit until you've actually gone at least 6 times. A lot of people give it up much too quickly to see how wonderful life can actually be for both of you once the behavior regulation "takes." And I don't think you want to look at medication. Ask your doctor to recomment a good child/parent therapist. TKLL
Maybe let her punch a pillow or something...
I have a 4 year old with similar issues and I feel the same way!! I have my own therapist, and she reminds me that it is part of the age. Part of it is just how the brain works - brain growth is huge in the younger years, so you have new synapses forming and all sorts of stuff going on in the brain.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things, and for her it just may take longer. Love and Logic is good, so is a book that I read called "Whale Done"
It is important to remember that if you don't follow through all of the time, it will get worse. Studies in behavioral conditioning has shown that. So even when it is horrible and you feel like strangling her, and you want to give in, remember that it will pass, and she will be happy again soon.
