5 Year Old Twin Throwing Tantrums and Trying to Be in Control

My daughter is 4 and I have the same problem. We have a chore chart, where she gets a sticker on the chart for 1) getting dressed without a problem 2)brushing teeth 3)making bed 4)setting table. When she gets 30 stars on the chart, she gets to either pick out something at the store (under $5) or get to go to McDonalds for lunch. This works great most of the time, as she loves to put the stickers on and loves the reward. I also make a point to praise her when she doesn't give me a hard time, and if she is, to ignore her and praise her sister who's doing it right. Mind you, we still have the tantrums, and sometimes I want to just blow up, but it does help for her to have incentive, and to make it more fun. Good luck!

I have 2 marble jars- good and bad. when the child is good I take the marble out of the naugty jar and put it in the good jar and I never take the marble out of the good jar. When its time to get my boys in their tae kwon do uniform I set the timer and say if they can make it down ready they get a marble in the the good jar. now for school in the morning- the kids should wake up on their own if not they are not getting enough rest. my boys are in bed between 6 and 7, I really try rewards. once the marble jar is full they get $ and we go shopping for their prize. other days I sit with them and aplogize that I lost my temp- and explain I am human and get frustrated. we are all a family and need to work together. my kids love that I am human and we all have good days and bad days. good luck!

Tantrums are a sign of stress. The best solution is to avoid time outs as they actually distance you from a child. Imagine if you were emotionally stressed and your husband told you to go over there until you calmed down. Giving more affection at this time is better than less. There are several good books on the topic eg. "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn and "Smart Love" by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper and if you live near Oak Park, there is this great parenting class called "EndZone." It teaches a style of parenting that is much more relational rather than traditional discipline or permissiveness and is based on a lot of clinical psychology research. One of the suggestions that they make in this book is to think about why you are insisting on a child doing a given task. Is it a health and safety issue? if not, you may be better to not force it and wait until they are ready or do the thing together. so for instance, picking out her clothes - if she doesn't want to, just pick out something for her and then have the dressing as a group activity. A lot of control issues are really parent issues rather than children issues. I know I find myself sometimes wondering "why exactly is it that I am insisting on x?" And sometimes it is because I have a gut reaction that my darn sweetie should do as she is told if she is to grow up to be a good member of society but that may:
1. be totally untrue
2. be unrealistic developmentally (depends on what you are expecting sweetie to do)
3. be more about personal control than what is really good for child.
Also, these books recommend against both punishments and rewards. They show through a lot of research that rewards are in the long run counterproductive and they make children less likely to do what was your original goal. getting a child to actually want to do x because it is a good idea rather than because the will get a reward is much more effective. The reward won't always be there and do you really want to spend your life manipulating your child?
Boy are kids always such fun :) good luck.

You have an advantage having twins use to your best ability. I use a reward system and I call them listening points. Give your twins the same amount of points and take them away one at a time when a child does not listen. I also let them earn the points back someway if they are interested. Ask them to make a reward chart and give each item a a price. It could be pizza (20 points) for dinner that night or an extra story(10 points) at bed time. When the girl who is acting up sees her sis get bigger rewards for being good she will straighten up her act. The child that is acting up will still have a chance for reward and that should stop the tantrum that would be caused by her sis gettting something.

Hi M.!
I have twin 10 year old girls. I'm woundering if she is getting enough sleep and when she does fall asleep if there is any snoring? Reason asking, quantity of good sleep makes a big diffrence. Has anything changed in the last couple of months to upset her. I do have an 8 year old daughter and 4 year old son, when the the balance of attention goes towards the younger ones they seem to get upset that they are not the only ones getting attention due to the fact that twins had more attention when they were smaller and it was only them. Mayby it's time to have a mommy and me day. I have so much more I can tell you if you would like. Just send me a message and I woul be happy to reply. Keep up the good work!

We had something similar...we used a positive reward chart...stickers...when the chart was completed she earned this cheap princess thing I got at Walmart. For your other daughter, maybe there is something she can work on to have a chart too. We actually started this chart b/c my youngest was potty training, the chart worked better for the older one :) We also ignore negative behavior when in the form of tantrum..I walk away or send her away to her room.

Good luck I know how difficult tanturms can be!

hi M.,

I feel your pain and second Toni's advice about getting a star (or sticker) for the day. My 5 yr old will argue about EVERYTHING, including getting dressed, toothbrushing - you name it.

Right now, her chart has a column for each day and a row for: brushed my teeth in the morning, did not argue all day, wore my glasses to school, practiced writing my name, brushed my teeth before bed.

For our purposes, if she gets 5 stickers out of 7 for each row for the week, she gets a trip to the store for a new toy (Dollar Store) on the 8th day, then we make a new chart which I edit as needed weekly.

Only down side is if you do have to take away a sticker for the day it turns into arguing about THAT - which then can lead to time outs and no t.v. etc.... stick to your guns, you're doing good!

I have found that she still wants me to be in the room with her when she gets dressed - she gets to choose between 2 outfits and she wants to do it herself, but she feels sad if I am not there to help if she needs it.

p.s. I have a friend who works FT with twin girls who gets them dressed at night so they wake up already dressed! It works for her. :-/

hope that helps, hang in there!

W.

I absolutely feel your pain. I too have 5 year old twin girls and a 5 month old and am going through the same thing. If its not one of them throwing a tantrum its the other one. My husband and I take turns trying to deal with the behaviors. We have had the better luck with removing them from the room and telling them that we will not listen to them if they are having a fit. Even if it takes multiple times bringing that child back to the room. We try to get them to calm down then talk to them and let that one know that it is not okay for her to be behaving like that. It takes alot of patience, we know that! I hoped I helped!

Try having a picture list with the order that things go in the morning. When they wake up set the timer, when it goes off they start their list. if they stop they go back to bed. They can join back in at anytime, but they choose to stay in bed until they will do their list (potty, dress, toothbrush, etc). Make sure it's not a blood sugear or have to go to the bathroom fit. but stick to your guns. When they are done with their list then get to play a special game with mom for 15 minute, when the first one is there for the game the timer starts. If one misses out so be it, they can try again tommorow.

You are correct. You must stay calm. She is acting out to get a rise out of you. It's her way of having control over you. She must feel like she is not getting enough attention or getting enough choices. I would watch how you ask how you want her to do something. You could have her pick her clothes the night before. You could say, as soon as you get dressed, you can come and eat breakfast downstairs. If she is being extra slow, say I will give you (a reasonable amount of time) to do what I ask before she will lose x(her favorite toy, game...). Good luck.

Did they just start kindergarten? It may be a reaction to the change. The best advice I ever got from our kindergarten teacher was- no playdates or after-school activities for the first month of school. They are adjusting, they are stressed, they are exhausted- try not to put anything else on their plate, keep things simple and hang in there.

We also tried a reward chart with our 5 and 3 year old. It has done wonders to keep them on track at night. We made it very simple (I found one at a teacher store) with brush teeth, wash face... I am thinking of cutomizing ours since getting in their PJs is sometimes the hardest transition. Anyway, after each task they both love to check it off the list. My 3yr old likes stickers, my son just uses a marker to make a star (he tries). At the end of the week we allow them to pick out one toy under $10. I think routine is the answer with strong willed kids - and lots of positive reinforcement.
Hope this helps.

I have twin 5 year old boys. I have one that does the EXACT same thing. What I have found that works is to give them something to look forward to on the weekend. For us it is friday night. I tell them if they are good, listen well and do things without arguing, they will get a star for the day. If they get stars all week on friday night they can pitch their tent in their room and campout in their room. Which is something they truly enjoy. When I start seeing the agruing to begin all I have to say is, "do I need to take your star for today away?" and that reminds them what they are working so hard for. So far it has been working fantastic.

Good luck!

Why does a 5 year old HAV to pick out her own clothes? I use to wash, iron and fold my kids clothes and put them in the drawers as outfits. If she has something special that she get compliments on rom daddy, she'll want to wear it more often. One day he can tell her how pretty that shirt is that matches her beautiful little girl (make sure he compliments the others also). She'll want to please him (daddys little girl).

Hi M.,
I would recommend checking out Tuesday's Child. www.tuesdayschildchicago.org I saw that you work full-time, but they have a Saturday program (9:30-12), you an attend- in fact, that's what we did when we started. Our son was out of control totally oppositional- tantrums, screaming, hitting, biting. It was ridiculous. I couldn't take him anywhere I was so embarassed that I didn't know how to handle him. I tried time outs, spanking and I was like- this is supposed to be happy childhood time. I wanted to quit.
Since starting the program (almost a year ago), Ben has made amazing progress. We've also learned that he has some sensory integration issues which were half of the problem. He just started pre-k today and the teachers said he did great. I swear by Tuesday's Child. They litterally changed the dynamic of our family- and thank God! I hope that you look into it!
blessings,
J.

Greetings!!! Instead of using consequences (time outs) use rewards. Set up a sticker chart for both twins. Have a total of 5 or 6 tasks or rules that they each most follow each day w/o throwing a tantrum. When they complete a task w/o tantruming they get to put a sticker on the chart for that task. Each day that they get all 5 stickers on their chart they get a small treat like a special desert (anything small but very reinforcing). Then you can build from there; if they get all their stickers for a week then they can get a small toy ($5 or under), a month w/ all the stickers then they get something bigger. It is very important to remember a couple of things with this approach: First do not give in; if she throws a tantrum, she doesn't get the sticker. Even if she ends up completing the task. Second, make the tasks reasonable and something they are able to do by themselves. Third make sure that the task is something that has a clear end so that there is no question as to whether it was done or not. Finally the task has to be done correctly to get the sticker even if it is done w/o a tantrum.

I know only one daughter is having trouble but if you set up the system for both girls, the one that is throwing tantrums will see her sister get rewards and will most likely comply more quickly because she wants the special reinforcers too.

A couple of warnings, the tantrumming may get worse before it gets better because the child that is tantrumming will be upset if she doesn't get the reward too; but don't give in, stand your ground. Also, you might want to leave the stickers for the charts out of reach so stickers don't "magically appear" on the chart.

This system is great because it can transfer into a chores chart or an allowance system as the girls get older. Good luck!!!

hello- you can try a sticker chart. List the things you need accomplished in the morning routine- such as brush teeth, eat in a timely manner, get dressed, shoes and backpack to get out the door. ( I think you can pick out her outfit the night before together and then it's all ready for morning). If she gets these items done, give her a sticker and perhaps she can earn a special privilage- an extra trip to the library, go out for ice cream and go to a special park etc. It would be a visual reminder to have on her wall so she can be aware- Maybe if you start with this one part of the day, it may calm down the other parts to bring awareness to her own behavior may be of some help. GOod luck- don't feel bad, my 6 year old has started this type of behavior after school. I don't understand why, but I think it's because at school all day he has to stay in line so to speak and now he wants to assert control in his home which is a comfortable environment.

I don't know the answer, but if my 5 y/o twins (g/b), my daughter is the same way recently. The stress theory seems to be likely, as they just started Kindergarten.....even though they love it, it is still new changes, along with getting structured again after a casual summer.
She argues EVERYTHING....& can be SO nasty to my youngest (3y/o).
It is very frustrating....& I hear you about the anger part. Dealing with it multiple times a day is extrememly trying on the patience level, LOL

they say misery loves company....I just thought I'd join you

SAHM to 5 y/o twins & a 3 year old