My 3 Year Old Daughter Has Become a Terror at Night and in the Morning

Well, my son fell into a pattern of coming out of his room several times a night after bedtime, and also resisting the getting dressed in the morning routine. I tried many of the other responders' behavioral suggestions but finally I found something that worked: A reward system. I bought a bunch of marbles and put half of them in a jar. Each morning he "earns" another marble to put in the jar for 1) having stayed in bed the night before; 2) getting dressed by himself after I ask him one time. IF he does not do these things (i.e. if he resists or throws a tantrum or comes out of his room except to go potty), he loses a marble. When the jar is full, he gets a "prize."

It took less than one week -- he filled the jar w/10 more marbles and got a little toy, and since then he has adopted the new behaviors and has not even asked for marbles or another prize even though the jar is sitting on the table waiting to be refilled.

I have never used this kind of "reward" system before but I was at the end of my rope, and I was amazed at how well it worked.

By the way, I also changed MY behavior a bit by just asking him to get dressed in the morning and then leaving the room (rather than sticking around to monitor and/or nag). At first he got really mad, and sometimes I had to be patient, but eventually he learned to just get on with it and he would come downstairs fully dressed with a proud smile.

My almost 3-year old has started really fighting his bedtime routine, so just this week I created a Bedtime Rewards Chart. I hung it right next to his bed, and everytime he cooperates and has a smooth bedtime he gets a sticker. After 5 stickers he gets a treat (tonight we're going to Chuck E. Cheese). So far he's gotten a sticker every single night, and it's made bedtime much more enjoyable for us all. He gets the anticipation of a sticker on his chart in the morning, and we get the ease of an easy bedtime.

Ah yes, I too feel your pain. About 2 months before Alex's 3rd birthday, my fun-loving happy child turned into someone else entirely. We've implemented all sorts of strategies trying to curb his bad behaviors - some of which have been successful and some not. I agree about the choices thing that so many of the other moms have written about. There are some things, however, that are non-negotiable with me. Dinner is one of them. I'll sometimes ask him what he wants for dinner and fix that, but more often, what I cook is what he gets and if he doesn't want it, that's fine - he just doesn't eat...until he's hungry enough to eat whatever I fixed. I don't cook things that I know he won't like, so that's not the problem.

When he has a tantrum, he goes to his room and works it out. When he's done, he comes out and tells me, "OK, I'm done with my fit now". It's really pretty funny. This works fine at home, but when we're out in public we simply leave if he begins acting poorly. If you're at a grocery store (or other store) with a cart full. All you have to do is talk to an employee and ask them to save your cart (in the cooler if need be) and you'll be back for it later - after your child has calmed down or after your husband returns home so you can shop without your child. I was a grocery store checker for 11 years so I can tell you that store employees are more than happy to oblige. In fact, if the mom or dad was ready for check-out, I would even bag up their groceries in their absence and have it ready for them to pay for when they got back, whenever that was. I was always appreciative of any parent who handled their child in this way so that everyone else didn't have to unnecessarily endure the screaming child. In my opinion, there's no reason to make others suffer through my child's tanturms. It's frustrating to everyone who has to be exposed to it and that's not fair to them. Plus, you teach the child that the behavior is unacceptable and if they want to go to a store, they have to act appropriately. In order to avoid store meltdowns, I do as much of my shopping as possible without Alex. It makes shopping easier, quicker, and less stressful for me. Going shopping is a special thing for him and he knows that if he wants to go, he's got to act right. OK, so there's my grocery store "soapbox".

One of the best things that my husband and I did was to take some parenting classes. We took a 12-week class that was actually provided free of charge by one of our local nonprofit agencies. While 12 weeks is a long commitment, it helped us to understand how the way we were raised greatly influences how we parent and really evaluate whether our "tools" were effective. It helped us to get on the same page as far as how to deal with child-related issues. My husband and I have very different ways of dealing with our son (a constant frustration), and kids are excellent at working the parents against each other. I'm the disciplinarian in our home and my husband is a much more relaxed guy who lets bad behavior slide. The classes really helped us to understand each other's motivation and come up with some plans that work for our whole family.

Finally, the last thing that was really helpful was the implementation of a reward system. We did the sticker thing which was successful short-term. Then, we implemented a system that our daycare provider saw on Super Nanny or Nanny 911 (I'm not sure which). It's really simple, and yet quite effective. Get a jar (spaghetti jar or something similar sized) and some brightly colored objects - we use colored glass rocks and our daycare provider uses big craft buttons. Buy him/her something that they really want - this doesn't have to be expensive (maybe $10-$20) or whatever works for your budget. You can either tell him/her what it is or wrap it up in wrapping paper so it's a surprise that they can be excited about. Kids love presents! For each child, determine the specific issues that they need to work on. For Alex, it was potty training, respect issues, staying in bed, and doing things he is asked to do. Every time he makes a good choice, he chooses a rock (or button) and gets to put it in his jar. However, when he makes a bad choice, he has to remove the rock (or button) from his jar and put it back in the other container. Therefore, he gets immediate consequences, both good and bad, for his behavior. When the jar is full, he EARNS the present. This is brilliant and seems to work really well.

So here's my advice. Every family and situation is different. Don't allow the behavior to go unchecked - this is what creates spoiled little monsters that nobody likes to be around. You don't have to be mean or even unpleasant. Find some strategies that work for your family, make sure you and your husband are working together (not against each other), and stay consistent - this is key!!! Keep your sense of humor, try to make things like going to bed fun - we race Alex to his bed and he loves it. I find that a glass of wine or a beer or two every once in a while helps too ;-). Good luck! It's a tough road, but it does get better.

S. M.

Though you are describing a pretty extreme change, this behavior is pretty common at this age. It's entirely possible that your daughter is realizing that she is a separate self, and is struggling to establish some autonomy. There could be other things going on, too, like reactivity to things that are irritating her nervous system, but try to consider this purely from your daughter's point of view for the moment.

A common response from parents at this stage is to interpret the situation as a battle of wills, and crack down in various ways on the uncooperative child. In my observation, this tends to make the situation chronically worse. You could eventually win such a war and crush a child's spirit, I suppose, but that's not why we bring these unique beings into the world.

But if you take some time to contemplate life from your child's perspective, you will be astounded at how frustrating it is to be her. Really. Big people are telling her constantly what to do and when to do it. Telling her no, and no, and don't. Telling her when to cut off an activity she isn't done with yet. When to come, to sit still, to pick up, to put down. What she should want, whether or not she wants it.

Allowing her to choose which color socks she'll wear today is only a tiny crumb of relief when so much overt control is happening all day, every day. Some spirited children take this very, very badly.

Two things that often go missing, particularly when parents get too busy or stressed themselves, are empathy and respect for the child's wishes. These qualities are worth developing in your family life, and there are some excellent resources available to help you get there.

Love and Logic is an approach you'll probably see suggested again and again. It's a good one. I'm also particularly fond of Alfie Kohn. You can buy his books, or read some articles he has written at http://www.alfiekohn.org/articles.htm#null

If shifting your own behavior and expectations doesn't work miracles, do look into the possibility of your daughter having developed allergies, or sensitivities to foods or chemicals in her environment. I'm sensitive, and can get seriously whacked by common things like food colors/preservatives, perfume and other scents, cleaners, fabric softeners, auto exhaust and more. Some symptoms take up to four days to clear out, and my moods are seriously affected in the meantime.

Check out http://www.loveandlogic.com/.
I highly recommend it. It's about loving your child but not their actions. And them suffering the *natural* consequences of their actions. Like if you don't go to bed, then you will be tired when you have to get up.
I LOVE IT. It has given my 4 year old daughter her freedom, but she understands that every choice comes with a consequences and it is up to her.

Just a thought, but when my son goes through this, it's usually because he's over tired. Too tired at bed so he fights. Argues and dawdles in the morning because he was fighting the night before and didn't get enough sleep. It sounds as though your daughter is trying to assert herself. Just make sure that when you tell her that she's getting reprimanded for her behavior, that you stay calm and stick to what you say. In my home, we have a "3 Strikes You're Out" rule. Basically, the first time I tell him what he is doing wrong and why he shouldn't. 2nd time, I tell him what he's doing wrong and let him know the consequences, and the 3rd I follow through. Always remember to STAY CALM and STICK TO YOUR PLAN. :D Congrats on the upcoming newcomer to the family! :D

Yes, this sounds so familiar! When my daughter turned three, we realized that we had it good when she went through her terrible two's! Age 3 was a tough transition. That need to be independant takes over, and they will fight you in everything. I gave her choices, and that worked really well. Not to say she stopped tantrums, those kept happening, and I let her throw them, and tried not to react. It seemed to make it worse if I punished for for the tantrum. We would take her to her room and let her scream in there, and she would come out when she was finished! When we were out in public, it was hardest for me. What I ended up doing just to finish my shopping trip was not give her whatever she wants, but to soothe her by picking her up and treating her like she wa hurt or something to calm her, and it worked almost every time. After many frustrating trips, I tried it one day and was amazed at how she calmed immediately when I was sympathetic towards her, even though she wasn't getting what she wanted. So hang in there, and take it one tantrum at a time! It shouldn't last too long. Age 4 has been amazing in comparison!

This the two's, just a little late. And the solutions is relatively simple if you are lucky. Give her a choice in everything, but only choices that you can live with. Give her a choice in underwear, juice...but only two or three...but not five. Five is too complex for her. Don't give her a choice of summer wear in winter, etc. Make healthy choices in food to eat and places to go.

First off, my best girlfriend lives in Salem, and she has a three year old boy and a 1 year old boy. She swears by her MOPS group (mothers of preschoolers) that meets at her church once per week. There's childcare for the kids while the moms eat breakfast together and hear a guest speaker on anything from car-seat safety to fitness to nutrition to spiritual things. Call her if you want more info (Karyn ###-###-####)

Second, my daughter is also three and I swear something happened in her head the night she turned three. Where did my sweetie go? I talked to my lactation consultant/nurse friend about it, and she said three year olds have very little frontal-lobe brain activity. They are learning a lot in other areas like colors, drawing, social skills, dressing selves, etc. that they just have a really hard time processing consequences and managing self control. Anything shiny or glittery distracts them from what they should be doing. They are selfish whirls of busy-ness. She said they aren't so much naughty as overwhelmed and forgetful. I'm not sure i agree 100% with her, because I definitely see a real defiant streak in addition to the forgetfulness. I have resorted to just keeping my daughter very busy.

We get up after a snuggle in bed, eat breakfast, then I tell her to go get dressed. I try not to question what she picks out unless it's totally unreasonable. I have shown her how to put her own clothes on and she generally does a good job only getting stuck occasionally with panties on backward. Then I let her watch Sesame Street and then it's art with paint or stickers or coloring books. Sometimes we go for a walk or run errands before lunch at 11ish. Then I send her to room for a nap. I take her potty, read to her, hold her, and tuck her in with a few books if she wants. She sleeps for 60-90 minutes (once per week we go without a nap, so that she's a little backlogged). When she gets up, we do more snuggling, have a snack, she plays dress-up, does more art if she wants, maybe we run some errands or play outside or make cookies together. Then she watches a little movie while I get dinner ready. So we have structure, but it's loose structure. I don't tolerate whining or fits. She has to go to her room and come back when she ready to "talk nice and say it right." If she pitches a fit at bedtime, she has to go right to bed with no stories.

You have to keep the upper hand. If she figures out she can run your life and your house by pitching fits, you will have a little tyrant on your hands.

Hi, this is normal for this age. Most kids are starting independence. What I did was stayed on a strict schedule at bed time I read a couple books (make it her choice, 30 min. max) then I did the quite time; let her lay in bed reading her books. My son goes to sleep with in 10 minutes. Morning time I give my son a time limit to choose and put on each piece of clothing, brush hair and teeth.
Another thing that helps is picture tasks. take pictures of which task and put on study cardboard and Velcro on the back. put strips of Velcro on long strips of board. then place the pictures in the order of the tasks to be done. example: picture of each step, pulling down pants, sitting on potty, pulling on pants, washing hands.

Hope this helps, congrats on the new one that is coming soon.

My three yr old son is doing the same thing! SO frustrating!!!! What we have been doing is ignoring the screaming and tantrums. We explain calmly that we will talk to him and listen when he is not screaming. I also try to give him choices (when I can!) about what he wears, and what he eats. It makes no difference to me whether he wears his blue pants or his brown pants! That is something I can easily let him decide for himself. That way he feels like he has some control but, I'm still the parent who isn't allowing him to do something unsafe!

Good luck- everyone tells me they will grow out of this!!

I would start by giving her choices. DO you want princess panties or mcqueen panties? Would you like orange juice or apple? This is where they really start to use their new found independance and want to have choices in what they do. Hope you find something that works. It is tough and wearing!

It sounds to me like she is tired. Try getting her bedtime routine started before she loses it and get her to bed a little earlier. In the morning give her two choices of underwear to choose from, maybe she won't be so overwhelmed by too many choices. With the juice too, give her two choices. If she throws a fit, tell her that she is choosing no juice by her action and tell her you will go do something else, and when she is calm, you will discuss the juice again. Then, if she is not calm, walk away. As soon as she is calm, come back and ask her which kind she wants of the two you offered. If you only have one kind of juice, offer her water or the juice. Stick to your choice offers, don't go throwing more in the mix or you will encourage her bad behavior.

I have to agree with the other parents that posted the choices option. Three year olds like to have some independence and giving choices is the one way that we as parents can give that. Love and logic is a great parenting tool, as well as 1..2..3 Magic. I use Love and Logic on my teens and tween and used MAGIC more so when they were younger though I still use it when compliance is an issue with them.

-- oh, how difficult-. Has anything significant changed with you?? Children '''know''' when we are feeling tired, or upset, or stressed and often tantrum ( my 9 year old grandson- for whom I have been a 2nd parent= once tantrumed- and in reflecting on it- I had just been given STUNNING good news- but my excitement caused a negative reaction in him)--. The solution---???
Let her hear you and her Dad calmly discuss - ''it's so sad tht we might have to ----------x------------ ( think of a really huge consequence from HER point of view - AND - the hugeness needs to be as easy as possible on YOU - )
so --
'golly, we might have to put a gate across her door so when she is fussing- she will stay in her room-- oh that would be sad '' or --
''' '' No choices when fussing - Orange juice or water?"
''' one chance to tell me what you want - if you fuss- I decide myself''

You'll get it handled- I promise - ( and be sure and increase her positives - does she like to help you make salad for dinner - or pinch the biscuit dough? - increase her happiness and sometimes tantrums disappear - though it's hard sometimes OH MY I know--

Blessings,
J.

My kids seem to be really resistant to things and want to fight when they know we are on a schedule. They can feel my stress about being late to get somewhere and then they start fighting everything.

I agree with giving her choices, but sometimes they just WANT to argue with you. Don't let her know she is frustrating you because they get rewarded by pushing your buttons.

I understand it is frustrating to be a child. I also have a little bit of trouble letting the child be 'in charge' of too much. It's a fine balance between giving them choices and letting them choose too many things for themselves. Where does that leave you as the parent? Are you expected to put all your own needs aside? I think not.

This is not a power struggle. You have the power. Just letting her believe she does occasionally will help her grow. It's like managers who let the employees believe they came up with that idea on their own, but in reality it was the boss's idea. Actually, come to think of it, that's a pretty good analogy. Parenting is a lot like managing employees.

Hang in there! There is no easy age, just little breaks now and then.

A temper tantrum needs an audience so feel free to excuse yourself and return when your daughter calms down. Tantrums are normal for this age so it's not something you are doing, it just comes with the territory. If you disappear during her tantrums but give her attention when she is calm and using words, she will figure out that tantrums are non-productive. We all repeat behavior that gets us results, so whatever behavior you reward is what will be repeated.