Reward Chart Ideas for a Spirited 3 Year Old Boy

IMO, a 3 yr old will not comprehend what a reward 'chart' is. I think it's acceptable to reward him for whatever, but a chart... he won't get it.

What if you just had a big bunch of stickers with you and when he did well you rewarded him with a sticker on his shirt. Then at the end of the day when it's time for bath you count his stickers and talked about what each one was for.

Kids that age respond to immediate consequence good or bad. This gives him an immediate positive response with an opportunity for review and reflection later.

We called these "Caughtchas" for "Caughtcha bein' good."

I've never thought much of a 'reward' system, because a reward based system is simply the polar opposite of a punishment based system. You are teaching the child to alter one specific behavior out of desire to receive or avoid an unrelated act.

I prefer discipline. And, yes, my daughter was wicked spirited. I did NOT get one of those easy kids, who sort of just does what you ask and is happy all the time. However, I found it easier to get down on her level and interact with her.... even at 3 to have conversations with her about what the expectations were and WHY they were expectations. To provide her the boundaries within which SHE could make good decisions. I picked my battles and I was unwaveringly consistent on the things that *mattered*.

It turned my life into less of a battle and her life into one in which she learned the ability to make good decisions and learn what success feels like.

If that meant she went to school in pajamas..... that's her problem, not mine. She'll get teased and then tomorrow she'll make a better decision. But it will be HER decision instead of my battle. Taking a bath every day? Not important, and in fact leads to eczema... so only when she was really dirty or every third day and then.... mandatory.

What she ate? THAT was a hill I would die on. Playing with food? NEVER. Seatbelt in the car? AT ALL TIMES. Bedtime and staying in bed after lights out unless there was vomit or someone coming in through the window? Mandatory.

I also found that instead of a constant stream of no, no, no....she responded better if I let her know the circumstances that would have to be present in order for her to do what she was asking to do. This worked WAY better than giving her a 'reward' for doing what I wanted.

When everyone finishes eating you can get down from your chair. Yes, If you eat all your peas you can have more mashed potatoes. Once the rain stops we can go outside. Certainly, once you have washed your hair you can watch one TV show. As soon as your homework is done at an acceptable level you can play Wii.
This allowed her more control over when and how she did things. And gave her the ability to learn HOW to make choices rather than making them in order to *GET* or *AVOID* something.

The problem I found with reward charts was that they worked for a very short time before they needed to be changed to keep getting the desired compliance. When my son was three years old, he was pretty much the way you described your son. Oh, the temper tantrums that he had. I got hit in the eye once with a flying tamborine. We had to bubble wrap our tv for about three weeks because the throwing things when it didn't go his way was so out of control.

We tried giving him a sticker after each good act. That gets so exhausting after awhile. It is easy to run out of stickers. No stickers equaled big meltdown on his part. We tried earning a set amount of stickers to get a prize. It worked for the first few times he earned the prize, but after that he started saying that he was good a lot and thought he should get more prizes with fewer stickers. We tried having points taken away, but that pretty much ended the desire for him to earn stickers, or he would start nagging and being even less compliant. I totally gave up on the reward/punishment system.

I decided to use yoga to get my son to calm down. I also use bible heroes to get him interested in 'helping' others. We use a yoga DVD series for kids: YogaKids with Marsha Wenig. We also read the children's book, 100 Bible Heroes. Each hero has two pages with a short story about the person, where it appears in the Bible, and a song. The book comes with a CD. We sometimes listen to the CD, but we do one hero per day. It only takes 5 minutes. Then I use the hero to help remind my son to try to model that behavior. It surprisingly worked very well getting my son to remember bible stories and the moral lessons we can learn from them. If you are Christian, you could try that. There are plenty of female heroes in the book as well.

I found that praising my son, acknowledging his feelings, and brainstorming solutions together really worked so much better than the rewards/punishment systems. I stumbled across a wonderful website that explains very simply how to praise kids effectively. http://proactiveparenting.net/
It is a site for a book and some classes, but the article section has been most useful to me. It is so much easier to not have to fish around for a sticker to put on some chart everytime. Remember that it isn't easy to carry those charts around everywhere you go. I usually forgot how many stickers I needed to give my son that he earned while outside the house. Consistency inside and outside really does work better and costs a lot less money too. It only takes about an hour to read through all the articles and surprisingly the parenting tips were not that hard for me to remember.

You said that he is often cranky. That is often a sign of being sleepy, hungry, thirsty, or needing to go to the toilet for my son. Usually if I fix those problems, my son is more inclined to do what I requested. I have found that when my son watches tv too much, he can get this way as well. Even only watching shows from Disney Jr. can get him that way. You might try cutting back the tv time. At one point I completely took the tv away for a few weeks. Oh, the difference it made in how he listened. I carefully monitor his tv and his willingness to listen and follow the rules. Another reason my son gets cranky is when he thinks I haven't listened to or noticed his feelings about something. I have found that really listening to my son about his feelings and acknowledging that he has those feelings has totally helped get my son to cooperate with me better. Give your son two acceptable choices for things, and he might feel like he has more control over things and be less resistant to listen to you. I know you didn't ask about disciplining your son, but it has been my experience that using this kind of discipline is less exhausting, less expensive, and gets better results than the reward charts did.

I have tried them, but at that age, I don't think it had an impact. It didn't for mine anyways. I kind of agree with Jim.

Reward charts don't work in the long run. They simply don't apply to the real world.

Neither does always punishing or disciplining.

Try Love and Logic. It works for the long haul and applies to real life.

At 3 1/2, things should be going more smoothly than what you mention. Having a schedule with clear expectations would probably work well. I respect that you didn't want advice, I totally get that. But the "often cranky" part raises an eyebrow. If I child does not feel good physically or emotionally then they are less apt to be "good". I would not dismiss this, if I were you.

My son doesn't do the chart thing, not a motivator for him. But Love and Logic parenting works really well for us. (loveandlogic.com) You can contact them about facilitators in your area. Classes are usually inexpensive or free. It's about giving them choices and teaching them about decision making and natural consequences. You let the kids make choices as much as you can about things that are not truely important for you (shirt to wear, bath OR shower, now or after x, etc.,). You direct choices to get what you are trying to achieve (i.e. getting clean - they can choose shower or bath, but they have to pick one).

I've tried reward charts and they are all more trouble than they are worth.

1. You have to keep up with them. I would run out of stickers, or when I moved to stamps I'd forget. When I'm trying to get my daughter and myself ready in the morning, the last thing I want to do is go over some reward chart.

2. I hated focusing on the chart. It seemed like a visual reminder to my daughter of how terrible she was if she messed up. She always wanted to go back and earn a sticker for something she didn't do earlier, and I had to say "Your 'getting ready in the morning' sticker has to be earned in the morning."

3. The reward had to be instant or it made no difference. My daughter could not understand why she didn't earn an extra special reward on Friday because of her behavior on Monday. Friday became a source of meltdown.

We had much better luck with a marble jar for a little while, she earned marbles for good behavior and lost marbles for bad behavior. Marbles could be "cashed in" for extra TV time or video game time. Still, that got old after a while.

Mostly I just got smart. If she got ready quickly in the morning then she would have time to play. If she didn't get ready quickly, no time for play. If she did her chores, she had time to play a video game. If she goofed around, oops, no time left over!

I used a timer and she would "beat the clock" with her chores. She liked to earn kisses for every minute she had left over. It also worked for playtime. I would come in and say "five more minutes of playtime, and then dinner." Then I'd set the timer and when it went off, usually she'd walk into the kitchen holding the timer and smiling and say "all done playing!" She liked having the warning.

Some love reward charts, but they were cumbersome for me and didn't work for my daughter. Natural consequences, better planning on my part and more understanding worked much better. (Kids get bossed around by us all day long. They need to assert their independence too.)

My son has been on several. The latest one at school is set up that if he goes outside of the "rules" for the activitiy he has to put an X, he gets 3 he has failed that activity. For example. His class went bowling, his directions were
1. Sit Nicely
2. Be Paiente
3. Quiet hands
4. Inside voice

If he was not doing that, then he got an X, if he got 3 X's he was no longer allowed to bowl with his friends.

http://www.freeprintablebehaviorcharts.com/

This site has some good ones.. you can do "caught" you bucks etc.

I would be concerned at the "Often Cranky", Something could be bothering him and he does not know how to express it with words because he does not know what is up.

My son was very defiant, did not take no..etc.. We did change his diet and things are going much more smoothly. He is way more compliant. We do give credit where credit is due.

Good luck

I would begin teaching him:
coping skills
how to express himself and the words for it
how to think of alternate ways to do the same thing.
how to problem solve.
how to make choices
All of these things, are not inborn inherent automatic skills. It has to be taught. And as a child learns these things, it adds to their ability, to manage... through, frustrations.
This goes hand in hand... with any "reward" or punishment modes.
Because, along with any rewards or incentives or punishments.... you ALSO need to, teach a child about how/why/how come and the other ways, to manage one's self.

Most kids at these ages, are stubborn. And independent.
It is the age stage, and them not knowing, all of the above.

ie: if he is frustrated or cranky for whatever reason. Practice with him about how to tell you. Then, about the words he can use. Then, about practicing with him about what can he do about it? ie: tell you, or take a nap since he is tired and cranky, or practicing different tones or voices and face expressions, or yelling at a pillow instead, or just how to say that he wants to just have quiet, or how to say that he needs help from you too. There are many ways, to do something or to solve a problem. If you begin teaching a child this, it will enhance their own coping skills.
I started to do this with my kids from when they were 2 years old. And so that... once they entered into elementary school, they would by then, have had more ability and self-reliance to cope and manage amongst the many situations they may encounter, in school.

Then per dressing himself. Most 3 year old kids, need help with it.
Or give him more time, to do so. Most kids, get cranky when rushed. So give him more time especially in the mornings. I give my kids even a 1/2 hour head's up, to get ready. Just so that, we do not have to rush and then we all get cranky. It is a team, effort. Not just them doing it by themselves. Meaning, I cue, them.
There are many ways, to help or aide a child, to get dressed.
And expectations upon a child, has to be age appropriate. If not, the child and then the adult, will, get frustrated. Daily.

I love the idea of recognizing and rewarding the postiive. I didn't have much luck w/ sticker charts (admittedly, may have been user error!). I think it's much better to just always be looking for the positive, then give him ATTENTION and AFFECTION. Get excited - share the successes. Oh wow, let's tell Daddy/Mommy how well you listened and cleaned up your toys! What a great job! and a hug! That's more important than a sticker. The feelings and time and attention he receives immediately when doing something "well" is priceless. Enjoy him - he sounds wonderful :) I bet you'll be amazed at how well he responds!

I've been using a reward sticker chart with my 3 yr old since last summer. It started out slowly, but eventually he became very eager to earn his stickers. It helps that I started getting some really cool ones--like Avengers ones that I found in booklets at Target; Star Wars; Toy Story; Mickey Mouse; Cars; Thomas the Tank Engine...

I labeled his chart: "Jakey Helps Mommy"

He gets a sticker for brushing his teeth; clearing his dishes; putting his shoes in his bin and coat on the rack; picking up toys; "No fuss naps;" "splashless baths" (we were having a BIG problem with water all over the floor during bath time), and "Helps with the little things"

I just got a big poster board from the dollar store, and divided it up into segments with those headings. I don't do a SMTWTHFS division for his age, but am going to start dividing it that way for my older son.

I agree with getting the book Love and Logic.
But I also like the idea of a reward chart. Keep it simple when he receives the sticker for the chart. "Thank you for getting dressed like a big boy, that earned you a sticker" etc
We've been doing this with our 4 year old. He has always been VERY spirited, stubborn and smart. Quite a challenge, but he has become a very well behaved kid. We still of course have our issues but what kid doesn't?
Also, offer him alot of choices. Thats a big love and logic tool. ie; "Would you like to get dressed now, or in 10 minutes?" Let him pick between two or three outfit choices. Give him as many choices, regardless of how silly they seem, that will not really affect you or anyone else..
"Do you want juice or milk?"
"Do you want bubbles in your bath or no bubbles"
"Do you want to clean up your toys now, or in 15 minutes"
That was a huge help to us with our son. HUGE! He hardly even cares anymore, it was giving him that sense of control and having a voice!
ALso, make the stickers worth something. For every 10 stickers our son earns, he gets either an extra dollar for allowance or an extra 30 minutes of video game time. But he can also lose 30 minutes, or lose a dollar for bad behavior. And allowance is given weekly, not based on chores. If does extra things he earns the stickers which equal either more allowance etc

We did something similar with our son when he was going through a phase and nothing seemed to work. He was about 3.5 at the time. I would not say my child was spirited, but something was going on with him at the time. I made a simple chart on an excel spread sheet with boxes to fill. We kept things simple. Made the goals basic. We started with one goal. Then the next week we added another. We started with the biggest problems first. 1. Listen to adults and follow directions. This one covered bathtime, bedtime, lunch time,etc. Our biggest issue was that he was ignoring what he was told to do. When he listened well, he got a sticker. He put the stickers on the chart to have ownership. Before bedtime we always checked out his chart. Talked about the good choices he made and counted stickers.

As we went along, we added more goals. More opportunity for stickers. We tried to make them all positive statements (avoiding words like no and not). I can't remember them all, but I know we never did more than four things at a time. I am certain "Use your words" was one.

In the beginning we only gave our stickers. Once he understood what was expected and how the chart worked, he could lose stickers. We had to make this change, because he didn't mind NOT getting a sticker. (I hope this makes sense). "Oh well no sticker this time, I can just get one later to get my prize". He did get a few tries before losing the sticker. "Mommy asked you three times to pick up your shoes. You did not listen and follow directions. You will lose a sticker from your chart". And HE had to take the sticker down. Expect a melt down when this happens. My son saw this as a tragedy almost every time in the beginning. Which I thought was good, he was motivated. And the chart did not replace other punishments. If he did something that would have gotten him a time out, he still got the time out. Stickers did not replace punishments.

There was also a rule that he didn't get a sticker if he asked for one. We did not want everything to turn into "whatcha gonna give me."

At first his rewards were tangible things. Again, we wanted him to "get it" and we wanted him motivated. I was at a garage sale and stumbled upon some Bob the Builder toys (his favorite at the time). I bought them all up. Came home and put them on the refrigerator. I left them there for a few days. When he asked, I was vague. "I know those are cool toys. We'll talk about it later". "I know you want that one, maybe you can earn it." That sort of thing. I wanted to build anticipation and excitement over the idea. So when we talked about the chart he was really focused.

Pretty quickly, we ditched the toy ideas and went for other things. We also made him earn more stickers for the rewards. Pick a movie for family movie night. Family camping trip (which we were going to do anyway, he basically picked the date). Fishing with Daddy. Nature walk after dinner. Go to the Playground. Those sorts of things. We went for meaningful, not toys.We also wanted to change his behaviors not turn him in to Verruca Salt. "What do I get for being good??".

We used it for a few months because it worked for our son. For him the stickers, getting them or taking them away, were a consequence he could see. It mattered to him. Once we noticed that the problems were much fewer and farther between, we stopped using the chart.

I came across a cute idea on one of my blog feeds the other day. It's not really a chart but it uses cotton balls, which are a little more tangible for a 3 year old. Good luck!

http://yourmodernfamily.com/reward-system-for-children/?u...

Reward charts are great for kiddos like yours. The idea for stickers for completed tasks is great. One suggestion, keep the tasks simple. Maybe no more than 3. When he consistently handles those tasks, make him continue those for no rewards and pick 3 new tasks.

I think our spirited 6yo would be much easier if her disorganized/overwhelmed parents were able to consistently maintain a reward chart.