4 1/2 Year Old Not Listening at School

Updated on March 04, 2011
M.P. asks from Columbus, OH
4 answers

My daughter, 4 1/2, has always been a boundaries pusher. During the last few weeks, she has taken it to a new level and completely rebelled. During this phase, she’s been particularly difficult in her per-kindergarten class. She refuses to listen to instructions at all times of the day. If she wants to put the puzzle pieces in home living, she does it, even when she’s told not to and to put them back. If she wants to run through the room during nap time and try to hide under tables, she does. She does not care about the consequences and tells both me and the teachers that it’s fun to be bad.

Her teachers have been exceptional in working with us. We have a sticker chart both for school and home to reward good behavior. When she chooses not to listen, she does have consequences, like losing her favorite clothes (she only wants to wear dresses/skirts), losing tv time, computer time, and other fun, special things.

Yesterday she had an amazing day. She earned all her stickers at school, was an excellent listener at home – an all around great day. We all were very intentional about giving her lots of praise for her good choices and making sure she know how proud we were. We hoped that would reinforce the message that it’s more fun to make happy choices instead of sad ones. Today I got a call from school saying she was back to not listening. She wasn’t fazed at all when she lost privileges.

I am stumped. She seems to not care about the consequences. I’m to a point where I’m not sure what else to take away and am getting fewer and fewer opportunities to reward her.

I do know that this could very well just be a phase and she could turn it around tomorrow. But I am hoping that in the meantime I’m doing whatever I can to support her and encouraging her to be a good listener.

Suggestions? Advice? Thoughts?

Thank you so much!!

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S.C.

answers from Fort Wayne on

When you take her things away, how does she get them back? Does she have to earn them back or do you just give them back to her. I would make her earn them back. If she loses TV time, then she has to do 4 tasks or behaviors to earn that time back.
I don't, as a rule, watch Dr. Phil but I happened to catch one really good episode a long time ago. He said that you have to find your child's currency. So, for her, taking away those things might not be a big deal. You have to find what is going to work for her. It's going to take some trial and error.
I really like what the previous poster had to say about talking to her. You might be surprised at what she tells you. The car is an excellent place to talk because, as weird as it sounds, it's almost easier when they don't have to look at you. Just make sure to keep your tone neutral and don't get angry. Make sure that you validate her feelings, even if you think they're silly.

1 mom found this helpful
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D.S.

answers from Houston on

reward more little things not with stickers but with words. lets say she puts her plate in the sink after dinner make a big deal out of it thats MY BIG GIRL I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. if she misses her glass say did you forget something? if they get disciplined to much they dont care anymore. whats new i am in trouble again big deal. its like saying you cant do anything right. so reward small things. did she take her bath good job. did she brush her teeth i am proud of you for brushing your teeth without being told. she doesnt put her dirty clothes in the hamper just gently remind her dont take away praise did you forget your shirt in the floor? give more rewards than disciplines even when she is being a brat. you need to have her evaluted also. maybe she doesnt feel good and is being defiant because of it and just doesnt know how to tell you or she feels like she cant do it and defies you because of they dont think they can. both of my kids did this my youngest is the worst he has a hearing issue and if he doesnt think he can he will lay down on the floor I make him do it anyway. reinforcement of you can do this because your a big girl makes a world of diffrence. telling them you have faith in them speaks volumes when they dont have faith in themselves.

1 mom found this helpful
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R.J.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I have had to sit my boys down and explain to them that when they dont listen to the teachers and decide not to follow the rules it makes her very sad. The teacher is there trying to do her job and not paying attention to her makes it hard for her and the other kids. So if you aren't going to pay attention and let the teacher do her job then you aren't going to get to do the things you want to do.

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M.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Denise S. gave a great answer. Also, have you asked her why she is acting like this? My 5 y/o went through a similar phase (except he was always good at school) and I had a talk with him about it while we were driving in the car one day. His answers surprised me and were very mature. He felt validated because I listened to his side. He was 4 at the time. I started the conversation with "Can I ask you a question? I've noticed lately that you have been doing this and this at home (school) and I'm wondering why? Can you tell me why you didn't listen when I asked you to....?" Anyway he started changing a lot after that.
She may only be 4 1/2 but her answers and explanations may surprise you too. Ask direct questions and be specific. "Why did you run around the class today during nap time?" Make sure it's at a time that you are both in a good mood and calm. Maybe try it while cuddling.

Best of luck.

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