Does She Not Hear Me?!

Take the sugar completely out of her diet and take away any kind of TV, computer or toy with a monitor. Let her know she is suffering the consiquences of her choice not to listen and obey you.

Try this, when you talk to her, touch her, make eye contact, and then have her repeat what you told her to do/not do. I grew up in a house full of add children and have active toddlers myself. They simply dont register what you say unless you force them (in a gentle manner) to stop and listen. Having her repeat the conseqences too. That way you will be sure she heard you, and understood. Also remember that they are trying to become their own person and feel the need to rebel. I found the fasted way to sqelch that is to give them choices. Ask what they want for lunch. This or that. What to wear or where to go for an outing. It can be between just 2 things but its their choice. Also, works for punishments. Do you want to play with your toy with sister or go to your room for not sharing? your choice. That way they are choosing to be good rather then rebeling against you commanding them to be. Also, try doing chores with her. It takes longer but it not only gives her time with you but teaches her life skills. My son helps me bake, load the dishwasher etc. Good Luck, Jen

K.,
I have a 4 year old and I too have had some of the same types of problems with our son. The scariest is when he goes outside and doesnt look when he crosses the street and has either ignored or "not heard" my comment to stop and look. No matter how many times I have told him to look and have explained why its important, he gets excited and doesnt pay attention. I have found that lucky for us Time-outs have worked out well with our son. But recently I initiated using a star reward system for good behavior . I explained to him that when he has good behavior like listening to mom and dad the First time we ask something, then he gets a star, and as soon as he accumulates enough stars across his board, he gets a reward. We also told him that when he doesnt listen the first time or has bad behavior he loses stars. It may sound a bit tedious but we have found that this has truly helped in improving our sons behavior. He has even started to initiate doing things for himself . I do give him extra stars for instance if he does something positive unexpectedly .. I make a point of using an excited voice and really motivate him for his good work in listening. With time my son actually started to brush his teeth without being asked, even cleaned his room up. This may not work for everyone but it has helped us.. I am sure others have good ideas..I love hearing what has worked for others too :) I hope this helps! Good luck!

Hi K.. I'm a professional nanny who works primarily with pre-schoolers and I've seen this alot. If you say something they don't want to hear, they just tune you completely out. This is normal behavior at that age. When you try to talk to her, make sure you're on eye level with her and keep it to as few words as possible. And rather than using punishments for bad behavior , try a reward system for good behavior. For instance, I had a child who was having a challenge with impulse control...always hitting, pushing, etc. So I developed a reward system where I made 3 cut outs of his hand and laminiated them and put a magnet on the back. At the beginning of the day all three hands went up on the frig and we'd talk about the things that were okay and things that were not okay to do with his hands. He would lose one for hitting, pushing, etc. But if he could keep all three up there all day, he got a reward from his coupon book. He could choose. They weren't big things....maybe a new book from the local thrift store, a pack of stickers, etc. No food though....I don't think it's good to use food as a reward. Anyway, it was hard for the first few days but he was really motivated by it and, eventually, he responded so well, it was unbelievable. I think some children are just more motivated by reward than punishment. Good luck!

Not listening has been my daughter's main complaint concerning her children, ages 4 and 7. I did some reading on the topic and observing the children when asked to do something. My granddaughter does not hear her mother. She is absorbed in the TV or her play and literally doesn't hear her. That is the reason for getting their attention and looking them in the eye. Doing this seems like more trouble. In actuallity it is less trouble than telling them over and over, feeling frustrated because they don't respond and providing consequences.

Not hearing is normal for this age. Knowing that makes it easier for me to have patience.

If they're watching TV and don't respond when you try to get there attention while within a foot or so of them you can get their attention by turning off the TV. Or if playing, pick up one of the toys.

Frequently my 4 yo grandson becomes angry when he's interrupted. His first answer is almost always, "no!" meaning he won't do what he's asked. He has some developmental issues and we haven't found a good way to get his attention and then to have him consistently comply. What works best for me is to get involved with whatever he's doing. If he's watching TV I pick him up and put him on my lap or sit next to him and talk to him. In a few minutes he'll turn his head to look at me and then I tell him what I want and go with him to do it. If he doesn't comply, I turn off the TV and he gets angry and I take him to his room to cool off. This is time consuming and most likely not practical for a mother. Grandma's get to spend more time because Mom is in the kitchen fixing dinner. :) :)

Both kids are more co-operative when they're not tired or hungry. This takes planning so that they have enough sleep and have snacks. And for me it means that I don't ask them to do anything just before dinner unless my daughter asks and I back her up. I focus on setting them up for success.

As for safey issues, if they don't stop at the corner they must hold my hand for the rest of the walk. Same for running ahead of me at the store. I usually put the 4 yo in the grocery cart thereby side stepping that issue with him. I still put my grandson between me and the car while I'm opening the door and getting him inside. When my granddaughter doesn't stay close to me we go home. Because she loves to shop this is a natural consequence.

I've found that consequences that are unrelated to the misbehavior rarely work. Turning off the TV when she's not paying attention is a logical consequence and effective. It gets her attention. Same with putting away the toys when she doesn't listen while playing with them. To be effective we must be consistent in doing this. When we just let it go because it's not so important or because we're tired kids have an incentive to not listen because maybe this time we'll ignore it.

Not hearing can also be the result of power struggles. Giving choices is effective as said. Another important concept is to do things with the child so that they can learn to follow directions. If you haven't done that when she was younger it may help to start doing that now. An example is picking up toys. To start I sat my grandchild close to the toy box and handed him/her the toys to put in the box. Then we reversed the roles. I gave them the choice of doing the pick up or putting them in the box.

It may help to have a time limit for doing something. Set the timer and give praise when she beats it. I like the sticker idea which rewards good behavior.

As an adult my daughter said that what she missed most from me was praise as in "I'm proud of you." I've been saying "I'm proud of you. You listened to me and co-operated" and that seems to help. I'm also saying I'm proud of you much more often to my daughter and we have a better relationship.

Whatever you do to increase listening you have to do it consistently for several weeks. Trying different things out after a short time is confusing and adds to the problem.

To answer your question briefly. Yes, kids don't hear. We have to get their attention before talking with them. And we have to give them positive incentives for listening. I believe that punishment doesn't work as well as discipline. Discipline is teaching them by focusing on the behavior we want them to display while punishment is focusing on the negative behavior. My philosphy, which has been reinforced with experience is that we get whatever we focus on.

I had the same issue with my son. As it turns out he is in the Autism Spectrum and we didn't even know it until someone suggested i have him evaluated and they were right!

Hi there K.,

My stepdaughter goes through similar phases. I'd say you are doing everything right. As long as you are consistent, he/she should get the idea eventually. In the mean time, try your hardest not to go crazy!

Good luck to you!

C.
www.EnhanceYourWayOfLife.com

Hi K. E. My daughter is only 8 mo. old, but I'm sure I will soon start to face alot of the same challenges other moms go through! I have 4 much younger siblings which I cared for during my teen years. I think its often tempting to yell or call out across the room to a child which tends to make them resistant. My sister in law did this with her children, and I intend to try it with Erynne. Try getting down on your daughter's level, and place her hands on your face. Its harder to give into the temptation of yelling. And children tend to pay attention to where their hands are. Calmly talk to your daughter about whatever the issue is. I hope this helps!

Hey, I heard about a book called No Scream Parenting... it sounds good.. might help.. especially with a five year old. the idea is you give him choices and he makes his own choice. for example. "It's dinner time, I would like you to turn your gameboy off in one minute. you can choose to turn it off or let me turn it off, however if I have to turn it off you loose it for a week."
that's it nothing else said. the child makes the choice.

Certainly get her hearing tested. You can do this free through your school district. It may have to be through an evaluation process... all of which you can request and is free to you. Call your local school district and ask for an early intervention evaluation - which will include a hearing screening.

There are some "conditions" with kids who are oblivious to danger which is not something you want to overlook - and an evaluation will help to steer you in the right direction.. and possibly indentify some other issues she may be dealing with that will need attention in school. You can do this even if she is not in school yet.... there are early intervention programs and you do not have to have her enrolled in a public school to do this.

I have a friend who would purpolsely go on a leisurely walk with her son to specifically teach him what to do when a car came. They would exaggerate it .. and make a game out of it.. but he learned. Some kids really are oblivious and need to be taught in a different manner. So don't hesitate to get her help if she needs it.

best wishes,

JG