1s a little background, my niece is 3 1/2. Her parents live on my property (next door) and I have her 60-80 percent of the time. It has been this way since she was born. Unfortunately my sister apparently is not maternal at all. The "terrible twos" were not so bad, however 3 is a whole new story. Suddenly she will not listen for anything. She goes to "dance" class and just runs around, she doesn't even try to listen. In stores, out to eat etc, she gets away and runs around "playing" and screaming like it is a game. I have done everything. Time out doesn't work, I have made her leave, kicking and screaming from dance class twice, from stores shopping malls, dinners, stores, etc too many times to count. She is angry at the time, but it never seems to keep her from doing it the next time! I almost want to put a leash on her so she CAN"T run off! I think a little of the problem is inconsistency. She isn't out with my sister much, but when she is, she pretty much has free reign. My sister just does not try to keep her in line. She says that she won't listen to her, but she does not even try to make her. The other thing I was wondering about is that she just started going to daycare 2 mornings a week. I wanted her to go so she would have some kids her age to play with, maybe a bad idea? I am not sure. I am at my witts end and have no idea what to do. I just know it can not go on like this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
when my son started that kind of behavior he found himself not going anywhere! when he asked why, he was told because of his behavior and that he would not be going for the next two times. before we would go out (after missing two) I would explain that if he misbehaved we would leave and he would not go again for three times. worked wonders!
I don't know, this doesn't sound sudden to me. It sounds like 3 years of no boundaries. Even though she is with you most of the time, she still knows who her mother is. She still knows who ultimately will either discipline her or not. Why would she behave with you, if she knows there are no consequences for it at home? If your sister won't change and discipline her child, then I don't see how all of your very appropriate and solid efforts will pay off. Have you talked with your sister and explained to her how this will get more and more out of control? Why does HER child have to be with you all the time? Even children who spend the entire day in daycare have much more then 20% of their parents time. Where in the world is she? It sounds like she isn't parenting, because she knows YOU will. It's time for a heart to heart with your sister, in my opinion.
My daughter did the same thing, like clock work, perfect at 2 HORRIBLE at 3 and now back to almost Perfect at 4. I gave her a TON of time outs, and put a timer in front of her (3 min) and if she cried I didn't start the timer til she stopped. But for the most part I just had to 'deal with it' :( She was great for everyone but me (or when I was around)
I would DEFINITELY agree with the consistency issue; although I was consistent and people thought that I wasn't because I didn't lay into her when we were in public, BUT she knew it, so it made matters worse, until I started putting her in time out in restaurants, grocery stores, etc.
GOOD LUCK
I'm just asking... you said your sis is not maternal, so how does she handle her the 20% of the time? Does she do anything to make her listen? Any punishment on any level?
Sounds like she needs discipline and firm rules set. Time out may work after a while?? I don't know, watch super nanny maybe? Her mom needs a sit down to to see what she can do so the girl doesn't get away with stuff when she goes home because that just undoes all the work you did.
Tell your sister that if she does not help with getting her daughter under control you won't watch her anymore. Surely the though of losing her 60 - 80 % of the time babysitter will get her attention?
i bet the new routine with preschool is aggravating this situation. hang in there with it- it will do her a world of good. i feel for you because it seems you are in an impossible situation - taking care of someone's child a huge chunk of the time, but not having the "parental rights" to take full control. i think you are doing things right though - she wil learn that what is okay with mom is not ok with auntie. and in the end she will respect you for it. hang in there! and KEEP removing her when her behavior is unacceptable. if she can't act nicely at a restaurant, don't take her anymore. if she insists on misbehaving at dance class, same story. kids are perfectly capable of knowing whose house has what rules, trust me. my son has been aware that grandma's house has a whole different set of rules, his whole life lol. i don't know what else to tell you except keep pushing on. change is always disruptive for little ones. she will get used to her new school and settle down soon i'm sure. hang in there - because next is the 4's and they're worse than anything! the more you put your foot down now, the easier all the coming growth spurts and challenges will be.
You may be able to see what your sister should be doing differently. That doesn't mean she will see the same thing, or act on it if she does see it. I'd guess that your care of this little girl has probably been wonderful for her (even though you can't see it yet, 3 being such a challenging age, and inconsistent care-giving making it harder).
But you've reached the end of your rope. That suggests to me that your sister has taken advantage of you long enough, and that all the energy you're putting into raising her child for her is probably enabling her to slide by with minimum attention. Daycare may be some help, both to give you a break and to introduce your niece to other caregiver's styles. She's possibly on the verge of becoming social enough to play with other toddlers, but chances are good she's not quite there yet. Nevertheless, it could be worth trying.
If you are exhausted by your niece's behavior and frustrated by your sister's lack of parenting, you could back out of the arrangement and ask her to find other caregivers. This could throw her into a state of crisis that would wake her up. But I would expect not. So the question probably becomes, "Do I remain as a positive influence in my niece's life?" If you decide yes, you might do well to brush up on the newest knowledge about parenting effectively. There are some excellent books to help you:
A great starting point is The Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Dr. Harvey Karp. You can also watch a few quick videos about his approach: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a.... . He demonstrates exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language so they know he's heard the need they are expressing. This calms them and makes it easier for them to cooperate.
A website that offers loads of tips and positive suggestions is www.askdrsears.com.
Good luck. I hope you move toward a future you can live with.
Daycare is not the problem ....INCONSISTENCY is. A child needs structure and rules and a schedule. A child has to know that bad behavior results in punishment no matter who and where it is. So far you seem to be the only one doing it. The mother has to come on board or this will not get better. Keep her in Daycare. It is good for her social develpment and that is crucial at that age. Good luck.
keep her in daycare....she'll learn by example! Peer pressure can be both positive & negative. I know for certain that if she acts up at the daycare, the other kids will be on her - loud & relentless.....& that's probably what she needs! Discipline can come in many forms....& those other kids (& teachers, too) may turn her around. Give it a couple of months & see if it helps.
In the meantime, it's time for you to have a heart-to-heart with your sis. Offer her concrete examples of how she can improve on her daughter's behavior....watch a video together (1-2-3-Magic is my fav discipline method) ...find some way for your sis to see how far this is out of hand!
& what really jumps out at me is: your sis lives on your property & you take care of her daughter 60-80% of the time. Have you always been your sister's caretaker? By caretaking her own daughter, aren't you further enabling this behavior? Maybe it's time to cut the heartstrings! Maybe it's time for your sis to "grow up"!! Just saying, thinking,......& it's none of my beeswax! Peace.....
Some 3 year old do act like this but she could just be looking for attention since she does not get enough at home. She could be ADHD and should see a doctor to be evaluated. She needs parents who care about her and who are consistent in their care and discipline. Some of these kids get better when they are about 4 1/2 years old. I would have her evaluated by a professional.
