How Do I Handle My Niece?

Over -compensating for the little girl not having parents is not going to help her. It's ok to have a grown-ups only outing-it reinforces the fact that -yes-they really do come back.

This is what I heard:

- You are feeling rejected, left out, not validated, lonely, angry.

- Your niece doesn't have a stable mother figure and your mom has become that.

- You *want* to have some one on one time with your mother. Your niece *needs* to have some one on one time with her mother-figure.

- Your mother MAY be enabling your bother to be more absent than necessary/desirable. She MAY be relating to her grandchild as a victim rather than a survivor. She MAY be over compensating for your nieces loss.

- Observing those dynamics feels frustrating, for you, who has no control or say over the situation, but who cares about all people involved.

That's what I heard. Not necessarily what's going on.

You get to have feelings and they are real and valid (all feelings are). You also get to choose how to react (not all reactions are valid/productive).

You are not in competition with your niece. Nor are your children. You may feel like you're in competition for your Mother's time and affection. It doesn't have to be that way.

I suggest you attempt to create a balance, by taking the lead. Perhaps you could say to your mother, "I really miss having one on one time with you. I know I'm an adult, but I still value our relationship and need a mama. Could we plan once a month to have alone time?" and, "Let's also create space for us to play as a family. I know my niece feels left out sometimes, and it's important that she knows we all love her, even if we need time one on one. Let's have a family dinner once a month. Maybe I can have my niece over for a special play date once a month too. The two of us need to have some special bonding time as well. It's important that all of our relationships get time to grow in an individual space."

As to how your brother/mother parents? Out of your control. Sometimes (for me) that's super hard to deal with. But, when I stop trying to control things out of my control, I feel (way) more free.

((and, to your niece, if she is interrupting you can say, "I'm really glad you have something to share. Right now I am sharing. When I am finished I would be more than happy to hear what you have to say." Or, if she is feeling upset about your time with your mom, you can say, "I hear that you feel disappointed and left out. It's hard to feel that. I want to get together with grandma for some special time. I'd like to have some special time with you, too. I love you and your Grandma loves you. I also love Grandma and it's good for people to get to spend one on one time with people they love. I bet you understand, since you need one on one time with Grandma too! Why don't we see if we can plan a separate girl's date that we can ALL have a different time.))

Good luck!

Ephie (mama to two, one's a bio daughter and one's a bio niece)

ETA: I don't agree with the idea that your niece is a spoiled brat (in need of healthy coping mechanisms/models and emotional tools, yes). She lost her *mother*. Not a toy; not a playmate; not a pet. Her mother. The loss wrecks havoc on a child's fundamental trust in the universe. I have watched my child go through a process of healing from this hurt. The transition, for us, has been imperfect and often painful. It has also been one of the greatest sources of growth, hope and love that I have ever been given.

I interact with her as a person and as my child. While doing so, I try to build her back again. Sometimes, I do overcompensate. Sometimes, she has tantrums all day. I respond to them differently, based on situation, triggers and language. I also respond to them differently than my daughter's toddler moments. Often, I give her more energy because she NEEDS it. Or because I misread the situation, or because I feel like I should.

It's not easy, and mostly, we are doing the best that we possibly can (which looks different in every situation) to give our children what they need; we are trying to undo what can otherwise turn into irreparable damage. In my opinion, a child is not empowered through coddling nor do I believe in catering to every whip. That said, learning to parent (when a child's behavior is informed from a wounded place) in a way that teaches confidence, independence/community, empathy, passion, etc., is a process and is parallel to how we learn those skills.

If my assumptions about the way your family parents are correct, I don't necessarily believe that they are doing your niece a favor. But, I don't know that it would be productive to come from an angry or hurt place when trying to help influence that. If you instead choose to model empowered/empowering behavior, you might be able to affect the behavior of your niece, mother, brother and self in positive ways.

This was the most effective method when trying to alter my own mom's interaction with my niece. I changed my language from, "you're making things worse/you're hurting me and my other child", to, "Maddy is going to be alright. She feels sad right now, but she's a tough kid. I know you love her. I love her to. She broke her toy, which is not fun, but she'll feel differently soon. In the meantime, she doesn't get to treat us disrespectfully. We do get to feel sad, we don't get to yell. Let's work together to show her to feel confident and resilient." My Mom heard me better when I mapped things out more.

One last thought: If you actually want to the opportunity to influence your niece's behavior, you have to be a part of her life and spend (quality) time with her (if you're not already). Spending time with her is not a reward for her behavioral issues - though it might seem that way. They really need to be build up, before we can help them smooth out and often they are acting out because they are hurting. By trying to heal the hurt, we also see an improvement in behavior.

When is the last time you spent some one on one time with your niece?

I am also wondering why it can't be arranged for her to play with your son while you are out to lunch, or are you taking your son to lunch too?

It sounds pretty sad actually...it sounds like you are another female role model that is pushing her away.

She is six, and behaving just about right for being six with emotional voids, plus being spoiled by grandma.

You are grown, but not really acting with the emotional maturity of a grown-up.

This is the saddest part of your whole post, "Why do I need to share mother's day with this child who has her own mother.."

Grow up already.

The problem isn't your niece, it's her father and your mother for not putting their foot down. They may feel badly that she hasn't got a "real" mother but that isn't an excuse to let her misbehave. She should not be allowed to join for the grownup lunch, your own child won't be going so why should she? I'd let mom know that if you're spending that time away from your own child, you aren't looking to spend it with someone else's kid. She should have an opportunity to do something else with grandma that day (dinner?). You should NOT explain yourself to a child. You just tell her no. As for the interrupting, I would let your mother know that the child will be corrected for it and if your mother doesn't do it, do it for her. If she gives you a hard time, let her know that the next scheduled playdate at your house is cancelled because she was rude to you and children don't treat adults in that way. Your brother should also step up to the plate and be in charge of the discipline, he is her parent and shouldn't stop parenting because of living with his parents. It's one thing for grandparents to be indulgent during a monthly gathering, it's another story when they are living with the child. It sounds like your niece is jealous of YOU because grandma is your mother and not hers. Grandma needs to let her know that you are her daughter and niece sees her every day, and that grandma WANTS time alone with you.

Yeah... the problem isn't the neice... the problem is your mum.

EVERYONE knows what happens when you give into a tantrum, you get more of them.

She could easily handle the niece interrupting and doesn't... she could easily explain to the niece that she gets gma the rest of the day but that she's going out to an adults only lunch, which doesn't mean that anyone is being mean -not everyone can be everywhere all the time- but instead your mum is enforcing the idea that "no one loves the niece if she isn't allowed to come" by saying "she's sad, let's bring her". One needs to learn NOT to be sad all the time, and one doesn't if all one has to do is get sad/angry to get their way.

Your niece IS being left out, and it will happen a LOT in life, and not just with people who love her. FAR better to learn that being left out doesn't reflect on you as a person with people you love (aka, we've gotta go do this thing without you, and we'll be back, it has NOTHING to do with you) than with kids who don't love her. She's not going to get invited to every bday, sleepover, playdate. That happens. One learns not to be CRUSHED by it by activities like Mother's Day Adult Lunch, and Adult only movie nights, and, and, and... ALL those times when your parents leave to do something alone and you're babysat... or one parent leaves to do something fun without you and comes back.

I'm sure your mum is overcompensating out of grandparenting & guilt/pity .. what a combo!... but your MUM is the one to blame here. She's encouraging tantrums and she's encouraging feeling unloved. Whoops. Dontcha just hate it when what we do is the opposite of what we intend?

I would have a sitdown with your mum and talk it out. It's not that your niece has her own mother... it's that you don't get YOURS. Which is silly. There's more than enough of your mother to go around, if your mum would see it that way.

um, no offense, but why are you jealous of a 6 year old girl, who, really, has no mother, not a mommy? Your mom has become her mom, and you need to accept that. You, I guess, have a right to your feelings, but the way you are handling it, is very immature. You are an adult, she is a little girl, just 6, who needs the nurturing & love your mom is giving her. Its not going to make her worse, but the opposite, "make her better". She needs a mother, & unfortunately her own mom is a flake, but luckily your mom has stepped up. Also, its up to your mom, not you, to decide what and how she does with this child. Your brother may well indeed need to step up, but thats another issue. He cant replace her need for a mom.

It bothers you so much because your niece is a brat.

Your mom and brother are overcompensating for the fact that your niece was pretty much abandoned by her mother, and now your niece is spoiled. If they don't nip that bad behavior in the bud soon, your niece will only get worse as she gets older.

I don't know if your mom or your brother are willing to hear your thoughts on their parenting. My guess is that they will turn it around on you and make you feel like you're being selfish. Maybe you can have your kids call her and invite her (and her only) for a visit every once in a while. And then your brother can use that opportunity to have daddy-daughter time?

You have my sympathy. I'm kind of in the same boat with my MIL. She is taking care of my SIL's son and has very little time and energy left over for my husband and our kids.

Honestly, this is going to sound harsh but I think you should include her and probably should have planned something with her anyway. Its very sad that she doesn't have the family unit you have. Life isn't fair, but she probably acts like she does bc of her homelife situation. The only real way to deal with her is to get closer with her and be the best aunt possible. You may be doing that already and just frustrated... Just keep plugging.
Seperately though you should talk with your mom about the relationship you want her to have with your kids. Its certainly okay to ask her to have one on one time with you guys.
And she doesn't have a grandmother relationship with her. That's not your fault, but no one can change the fact that this 6 year old has a bad mom and your brother didn't choose her mom very well. But it will be different with your mom and this niece... Its sad though bc I'm sure your niece would trade in a second for a happy family unit like you have.

Wow.
You're probably not going to like what I'm going to say.
You are taking your kids to your moms house b/c you are home alone with 2 little ones. What are your kids doing while you're there? Do they go off & play by themselves?
I realize you're saying this little girl is adamant about having your moms attention...but,really, I think that issue needs to be addressed by your mom and your brother...teaching manners, for example.
This little girl HAS NO MOM to count on, to be there. She has YOUR mom. Instead. Seriously, you're coming across as a spoiled older sibling instead of a caring aunt.
I can't help to feel that you're being mean-spirited by excluding this child, who is obviously so desperate for attention. Why can't you be a kind aunt to her and look ahead into how this situation makes her feel?
If you want O.-on-O. time with your mom, why not plan an evening where just the TWO OF YOU can go do something instead of putting conditions on your family visits? (Which, BTW, sound a little like they are for the sake of your convenience?)

Sooooo...while you mow the lawn, run errands, cook and clean for your mom, who watches your two? Can't help but wonder if both of your children were older if they'd be invited to lunch as well...

Well, I think the immediate issue is your mom wanting to bring a child to a grown-up lunch to keep her feelings from being hurt. Your brother should explain to his daughter that there are some things that are for grown-ups only and she cannot go. Period. If there are no limits for her at 6, God help them when she's 16!

And I think you answered your own question about *why* you feel this way when you wished your mom could spend the same kind of quality 1on1 time with YOUR kids as she does with your niece. It kinda sounds like second-hand jealousy to me.

Why don't you ask your mom to spend that 1on1 time with your kids while you watch your niece and other children? That way, your mom will have that bonding time with *your* kids and your niece will be kept occupied.

Maybe you could help your niece come up with something special to do for your mom just from her? Your mom basically IS her mom too. Biologically? no. But if you define a mother as someone who loves, nurtures and cares for a child? Then yeah. Help your niece show her appreciation for all her grandma/your mom does for her.

If it were my mother I would flat out tell her that this is an adult only lunch and someone needs to tell your niece she will survive one lunch without her grandma. Maybe her and her dad could make a nice surprise for your mom while you guys are at lunch to show how much she is appreciated because that's what you do on mothers day.

As for you being jealous wh on earth ar you jealous of a 6 yr old that has no mother. She is seeing your mom as her mother what else would you expect o happen in this situation. Sure dad needs to start being a better parent but I imagine it's hard for your mom. She doesn't want to parent her grandchild she wants to be a grandma sh probably feels rather torn.

Why do you have to share your mother on mother's day...because she is essentially this child's mother. Her biological mother is a loser and is not providing the bonding she needs. The rest of the family is overcompensating for her background by not teaching her manners or having positive expectations of her. This will get worse if the family doesn't nip it in the bud and make her feel secure. Your brother needs to step up and be a good role model, not roll his eyes and dismiss bad behavior. I would let/encourage your niece to do something special for your mom for mother's day. She wants to show that love.

The little girl seems like she's acting like a 6 year old. You also seem to be acting like a 6 year old. My advice would be to your mother, establish boundaries with both of your children.

Honey, take a step back and be thankful that you have a wonderful mom, she raised you well, and now she is, for all intents and purposes, raising another child. If you weren't able to be there for your children, wouldn't you want to know that your mom was stepping in for you, giving them the love and nurturing that you need? You niece DOESN'T have a mother. Once a month drop-ins from an absentee parent don't count. Your mother IS her mother at this point. Treat her like a little sister. Try to imagine if this were one of your children - can you imagine the hurt and confusion and rejection and pain that they would feel if they saw you or your husband once a month? Wouldn't you want someone to step in and comfort them and fill that role? Of course you would! Stop being a baby and be supportive of this relationship. You had your childhood, and it sounds like it was a good one. This little girl gets only one chance to grow up - her own mother has inexplicably failed her, and your mom is the one helping your brother piece together a family and give her as normal a childhood as she can have. Be one of the ones helping, not sitting on the side pouting that your mommy is paying attention to someone else.

my sister has taken care of her boyfriends son since he was 17mos old. he is now just about 6. his mother lives 2 streets away and only sees him about every six months or less. the boy is a little clingy, can be annoying :) as all little ones can be. would i like to spend time with my sister? yes. but his needs are so much more than my own. i think the way you need to look at this is that your mother IS her mother, just as she is yours. I don't think that you should hold it against the 6yo because of someone else stepping up to replace what she doesn't have. my in-laws have always overcompensated because my niece didn't have a father for the first 3yrs of her life. she was absolutely rotten. they go out to eat with her and her family, they invite her over and will watch only her. they don't eat out with my family unless the others are there. they say they can't watch my kids. i have a little bit of resentment for that, but not towards my niece. i think that instead of being jealous of the little girl, you might talk to your mother and tell her she is doing the little girl a disservice by giving in to her tantrums and she won't learn how to deal with disappointments as she gets older and when she is 16 throwing fits, it won't be cute anymore. then tell her she can't bring the little girl to lunch. if she says that she won't come, so be it. don't give in. tell the little girl she can come play over at your house while she is at liunch with you, or see if she wants to help you with the yard sale. i think all of you need to step in and make sure that she feels loved, because being a child, even when your grandma is there, when you don't have one of your parents around, you don't think that you are worthly of love, and when other people shut you out, it just reinforces it.

Well, it sounds as if your niece needs to be taught some manners. Interupting adults is not OK.
That being said, you need to realize that you have a mom that you can count on. This little girl does not. Having a part time parent can be very difficult to a child. As a foster parent, I see it all the time. Mother's Day can be very hard for "my" kids. Even at six years old, the day is a reminder that her relationship with her mom isn't like other people's, and that can be really stressful.
You are the adult, she is a six year old child. Cut her some slack and understand that her grandma (who is her biggest female role model right now) is going to be spending time that day with her REAL daughter, and that's hurting her a little bit.

I would just tell you mother that it was an adults only get-together and if she insists on bringing your niece, you'll have to reschedule for a time when your brother can watch her so she can have some one on one time with you.

I would also find a time when your niece is in school or something and talk with your mother alone and just tell her that you wish she would spend more time with you and your kids.

In addition, you have to understand that because the girl lives there, and doesn't have her mother in her life, of course your mother is going to fill that role. You don't have to like, and you certainly don't have to put up with the child's behavior, but you do need to understand the position the child is in.

You have some great posts here. I would add, why are you spending the evenings at their house if it makes you so crazy? If they come to yours, then you get to enforce your rules.

Yes, they need to discipline your niece. But you also need to understand her trauma. Best of luck.

I have two thoughts...

First, tell your mom how you feel. Tell her that you appreciate that she has stepped in as a "mom figure" for your niece, but that you feel that she needs to spend SOME one on one time with the other grandkids and you. She is an adult and needs to make her own decisions - you can't tell her what to do, only that "you miss her" and that "your kids would love some of her time and undivided attention."

Secondly, maybe YOU need to back off and give your mother some space. Afterall, you are an adult with your own family too. Maybe part of the reason you feel like you're competing with a 6 yr old for your mother's attention, is because you are! You are entering "their" home. Expecting your mother to drop everything and chit chat with you.

Instead invite your mother over to YOUR house - alone. Invite her to dinner with you and your kids. Ask her to come and stay over for awhile so you two have time to chat after your kids go to nap, sleep, school - whatever.

Believe me, I understand how you feel having a niece who demands attention and expects everyone to treat her like she's the center of their universe.

I have taken the advice I'm giving you. We invite my in-laws over here, without the "extra" company. And we also had a frank discussion with my SIL that when we invite the in-laws over it's not an open invitation. We've also had to ask the in-laws not to "car pool" with my SIL and nephew so often to our house. Because as soon has he started melting down, my SIL would get upset and scream "We need to leave. He needs a nap." Next thing you know, our visit with the in-laws/family was abruptly over.

Remove yourself from the competition. Talk with your brother and mother separately. Yes, you and your kids do deserve some "one on one" time with Grandma (and Grandpa). But if you act like "she's" the problem, then you will only come across as seeming like a spoiled child yourself.

BTW - I make NO effort to "parent" my nephew at "their house". He's his mother's problem. I only address his behavior if he's hitting or directly not being nice to my kids - like swiping toys or being rude. Other than that, when he's being rude, I leave the conversation. And when he tantrums I just say, "Come on kids, Joey needs a few minutes alone" and walk away.

I don't think their relationship is anything un-expected for what has gone on with this little girls life so far- she needs a mom and your mom has stepped up to fill that roll- except for the discipline part it seems. She feels really bad for her grand-daughter whose mother doesn't' care enough to be with her and whose father doesn't care enough to be a real dad(sorry- but that seems to be what you've described). It is normal for you to feel a little jealous about the relationship- jealous for you and for your children- but your mom looks at you and your kids and she sees that they have a great mom who takes care of them and loves them and she sees her other grand-daughter who doesn't have that and she is trying to make up for it. But she needs to discipline her. Letting her throw fits and do what ever she wants because she feels bad for her will not help her in the long run and the little girl will become more un-bearable.
Talk with your mom and let her know how you feel. I think if your niece had some form of discipline for when she acted up like that you might feel a little better because right now she just seems like a spoiled brat. Sorry.
~C.

Insist that the lunch is adults only. That isn't unreasonable! I love the idea that your neice & her dad can prepare something special for your mom while you guys are out to lunch.

Now, onto your evenings with your mom. She IS raising this little girl. Either your brother needs to move out & become a parent, or you need to change some things. You are over at her house several nights a week b/c your husband is gone. When does your mom get that kind of break? Maybe only go once a week so the neice gets attention, then when you guys come over, insist that the kids play together (bring a craft or game or something) while you & your mom spend some time together washing dishes or folding laundry together. Think about this and maybe ask what your mom wants, too. I'm sure she has some "wants" in life, too!

Good luck. My mom lives in Georgia and I only get to see her every few years. She's raising my neice & has only met my children twice. This Mother's Day, please be thankful for what you do have in your mother.

You can't convince them.
This has been a longstanding dynamic amongst them all. That they created.
With "Dad" being absent in all of it and shirking his parental responsibilities.
The girl, is this way.... like a rock collecting moss... habits, have gotten entrenched in her. Via, the adults.

Anyway, you cannot change it.

You had a nice idea/outing planned.
But looks like it will not be... all pristine and nice as you planned.

Maybe you don't have to explain to your Mom: just tell her, that you want to spend time with her ALONE. Just the two of you. And that, you "Miss" her. Maybe tell her that. That- you miss her. Dearly.
And it hurts your feelings.

Its true.

umm..
you are angry because the child is acting like a jealous sibling and not like your niece. the child has bonded with your mother and that makes you mad because she dosent have the maturity to see that she has to share, and that you were there first.step back and realize that, the childs mother is not in the picture voluntarily. wouldnt you bond with another female adult if your mother
wasnt in the picture?
K. h.
sure the kid is being petty, but, if you go out to lunch with them you will have to deal with a jealous six year old, settle for calling your mother for mothers day, and send her a nice card and a rain check, lunch out for just the two of you, not your niece

We took care of our four year old granddaughter for about 6 months and so my opinion about your situation is that obviously your mother and brother are both neglecting to train your niece in the rudiments of behavior for her age, that is, they are indulging her to the point that she has become obnoxiously spoiled.
Her feelings are not hurt....she is just mad because she is not getting her way.
Training of children to be polite, not interrupting conversations, and other rude behaviors, is an ongoing thing that must be addressed every day.
I have often had to remind my own children about this when their children become too intrusive. Of course most of the time we are interacting with them, but they need to learn when it is inappropriate to speak or otherwise try to get someone's attention. Your niece seems to have firm control of the household in which she lives and I tend to think that she will not give up that position without a struggle!
Until the adults in the family (you included) step up and set limits and boundaries and stick to them, I am afraid that everyone is in for a rocky ride. I hop you have a nice Mothers' Day.

YOur mom raised you and your brother well. SHe taught you how to be responsible and self reliant. I am sure she taught the same to your brother. Is it just the two of you?

Now your brother has had a rough time of it and came to live with M. 4 years ago, 5? THat's a long time. She felt sorry for the baby and him and so started taking care so he could get back on his feet, but he stayed. Boys who are pampered will not necessarily move off by themselves. He's got it good.
So now what is a grandma to do? She continues to be enabling to your brother and this child.
She does knows she is filling the mother role, but she is still thinking poor little thing. This isn't a poor little thing anymore. Pretty soon she will become a tyrant, she already has.

Lay down the law at your house. Lay it down at Grandma's. Try to get mom away from the child, not just this Sunday, but other times. Try to show her how she is damaging the child by giving in to all these whims. Tell her about great child rearing books you find.

Help your mom figure out ways to discipline the child. Take over at Gma's house if she really can't.

Be blunt in mom's house. Say ________, I am speaking to Grandma right now you will have to wait.
In your house she should have very explicit consequences. She should know exactly what the rules are. THe best way to help her learn is to have her over.

Do not take the child to lunch on Sunday. Tell your brother that YOU are spending time with mom and he will have to do something with his daughter. When he whines tell him to grow a backbone and get over it. He's your brother, tell him like it is. Or have the child come to your house with your husband.

This child is running the whole family, that is a lot of power.

My mother raised my niece - which is basically what is happening here. She was always the apple of my mother's eye and I just came to think of her as a sister (we were only 14 years apart so maybe that was easier). If I were you, I would tell my mom that I really want to have an adult lunch and that maybe, during the week, you could have a special meal that includes the little ones (your kids, too). I also think you should speak to your brother about playing a stronger role with his child - to start with, he could plan something special to do with your niece on mother's day while you have your adult lunch. I would also willingly include the little girl in outings with your children (my niece became like a sister to my daughter, too). I would not however expect that there would ever be "normal" grandmother boundaries in this relationship because it's not a "normal" situation. If we think about what the little girl needs, it sounds like she does need a mother figure in her life, she does need her dad to step up and be a better, stronger parent, and she needs your love, too, she needs a strong extended family. I can tell you, in our case, everything worked out in the long run. My niece is a special person with 2 kids of her own now and I have a great connection with her and she and my daughter are also very close. Interestingly, she became close with her real mom later in life and still maintains a close relationship with my mom. My daughter has a grandmother - grandaughter connection with my mom. There's really a wide scope to "normal", sometimes life works out differently so just try to accept it. I hope you get to have the nice lunch you planned!

Well this sounds exactly like what happened in my family. My niece is now 15. My mother, I love her very much but she is a huge enabler. I am the youngest of 3, two older brothers. She and my brother have given my niece everything she could ever want materialistically because they feel sorry for her. All she has to do is turn on the water works. She has had a pretty tough life, but I make her own up to things whether it's something she said or did. I think long term she will have more respect for me. Her mother is much worse than what you described your brother's ex. There isn't much you can do unfortunately. You can express your feelings but I don't think it will do any good for you. I would just say to your Mom that you would really like for it to be the three of you and would she mind for this outting. Keep it simple unless you want drama or you want to be made feel as though your jealous of your niece. Your mom is trying to fill what your niece is lacking in her mother. If you think about it like your not in the situation, you do realize even though it's not what you would do exactly, that your niece does need positive interactions with a woman that can steer her in the right direction. I have had very similar feelings and I think it just as bad for you to play into those feelings you described in your post as it is for her, your mom to enable your niece to act the way she is. Your brother is taking advantage of your mother too by not parenting and guiding her when she has those behaviors. If you have a talk with anyone I would do it with him. My husband told me to go into family functions without expectations and I wont get my feelings hurt. As sad as it is, I started to do that and it has worked. I have trained myself to just focus on my boys and be there when I am truly needed for my Mom and others. It took some time but, I had to because it effected me so negativly. I hope this helps, sorry to ramble. This may not work for you but it has helped me very much handle the situation.

I see where your coming from...

I would put your foot down on your niece coming with. EVERY person needs time with out kids. This is an adult time you planned. If your kids aren't going to be there then she shouldn't be either. I would talk to your brother and niece and suggest that while your out spending (what sounds like much needed) time with your mom and MIL have them bake her a special cake and make her a very pretty home made card. When your mom returns home your niece and brother can suprise her with it! Try to make it sound fun and a special suprise between the three of you! You could even take it a step farther and you and her go and buy the cake mix, frosting and the craft stuff (even just colored paper and crayons) that way she got to pick it out herself and it will be all the more special for her and hopefully she will be better about it. It will be worth the $20 out of your pocket to see the look on her and your mom's face and hopefully a great feeling knowing that you not only get to have the time with your mom but you also had your hand in making your niece very happy and an even better day for you mom :)

Im 33 and have 5 kids and 5 neices and nephews and I still want/ need one on one time with my mom and my dad!! I don't think your jealous I think your more fusterated being on the outside looking in on your brother and mother allowing a 6 yr old, no matter the back ground in her life, to run your mom and then making excuses as to why.

Good luck and Happy Mothers Day

There isn't anything you can do to change the family dynamic at their house. It is unfortunate, but they are not your issues, and I wouldn't work yourself up about things you cannot change. You can only make changes for yourself and your children.

At this point I would tell your Mom, I invited you and MIL to an ADULTS ONLY lunch on Sunday, your husband is treating, as this adults lunch was your Mother's Day request too. Not even your own children will be attending. Please explain to neice/granddaughter that you will have her over to play another time soon, and that her grandmom will be finished with lunch at whatever time, and then she is free to make her own special plans with Grandma. You understand Grandma is special to her and you won't keep her the whole day. Neice cannot throw a tantrum to receive an invite out with you. There is nothing mean or wrong about gently teaching children they need to accept they will not be invited to everything.

As far as the 2 evenings you go to visit when your DH is traveling, why not invite Mom (just Mom) to your place instead? Or out someplace? That's what I would do if I really wanted the kids and myself to have uninterrupted time with your Mom. Still, I would make plans for other weekend afternoons or evenings to get neice together with your kids to play too.

I am surprise of how many said that your mom is now her mom.
NO, she has a dad. I mean, if she didn't have both parents I would say, that your parents are now her parents but is not the case.
How many of us have being single parents? Do we just then drop our kids to our parents and let them be the parents? No, we become mom and dad.
How many of us get mad when our own parents set up rules or brake our (the parent) rules?
The problem here is first of all the mother of the girl and your brother.
The mother for abondone your niece and your brother for not step up and take both rolls (like many of us do).
It doesn't help that they are living with your mom, but she still the grandmother and he the dad, your mother is not her mom, she has her mom, a bad one, and she has a grandma, a very nice one, sometimes to nice.
Your mother is cough in a situation that she wants to be a grandma but is being push to be a mom too.
Did your mother treat you like she is treating her? Probably no, most grandmas are nicer to their grandkids and allow many things they didn't allow their kids and spoil them like they couldn't spoil their own kids, and that is what she is doing with your niece. Problem is, she is also stepping up as a mother and she shouldn't have to be put in that situation since your brother is very well capable.
My older daughter didn't had a father around for father's days, those days WE did something special, after all, I was mom and dad.
Your brother should take HIS daughter and do something for her and then at night go celebrate HIS mom and her "grandmother".

Boy do I know how you feel. Really I do, except in my case is my own sister and not my niece who won't ever allow me to have alone time with my mom.
I haven't been able to see my mother just by ourselves for years now. My mother lives with my sister and she doesn't drive so if she comes over to my house my sister will give her a ride and stay here ALL freaking day.

If I go over there, my sister is there and I end up just talking with her and my mom looking after our children who also want grammy time.

they have alone time EVERY day because they live together (along with my sis two children); I haven't had a conversation alone with my mother in what feels like forever.
Last time I invited her over to stay here in my house for a week , to see if finally I would be able to get rid of my sister (she is not gonna stay the week here); my sister threw a fit and made doctor's appointments and crammed every errand under the sun on that week so my mom wouldn't stay.

I don't have a solution; I just don't try anymore. I don't want to be around the two of them, I need MY mom to be with me. I'm sick of not having a mom so I just stopped visiting three months ago.

Guess for how long I haven't seen my mom :o(

I know you will be criticized because your niece is 6 years old etc. But as an adult who misses her mom as much as when I was a child, I'm telling you, I know this hurts so very bad. If I'm immature for it , so be it, I'm just not playing tug of war over my mom with my sister anymore. she can keep her.

It isn't just you that feels this way in the world. I am a grown up but am still peeved that my mother spends all of her time with one of my sisters, (who is a Police officer), trusts her for everything (and believe me that is not a good idea) and tells her every private thing that I ever told her. For some reason my mother has permitted my sister to manipulate our lives for many years and I can no longer stand the fact that she is allowed to speak the way she does to people and treat people so rude. But- Mothers are not perfect people. For whatever reason they favor someone over the other (my sister didn't have children-her choice and she married late in life), we are left to pay the consequences for their favoritism. I have been upfront with my mother but it seems like she doesn't get it. But you deserve to be somewhere without your niece. And it is your mother's day. If you do not want your niece with you, stand firm knowing that your mother's choice may be to be with her. While she might feel sorry for her because her real mother is so inconsistent, you are correct it is going to cause a lot of problems in the future. Sadly, people like your mother don't back off do they? So if u want to spend the day with your mom and mother-in-law then accept the little girl and bring your own children. Or go out only with mother-in-law. I am afraid to say this, but I have had to find substitutes for my own mother. She is the same way and I know will never change.

Wow, crazy situation! After reading all of the replies I have a suggestion. After Mother's Day why don't you do something proactive to try to change the situation in a way that will benefit everyone. You can't change your mom's 'enabling' or make the little girl's dad become more involved, but you can do something that will help. At 6, you should be able to talk to the little girl. Why don't you plan a special time out with her, just the 2 of you, and in a fun way present some type of reward chart that will reward proper behavior. For instance, the interuptions when you speak to 'mom.' For every time she does not interupt when you talk to 'mom' she gets a sticker on her chart. Then make the goal of so many stickers to be something really special - preferrably maybe special time with her being included with your family and not a toy. Approach your mom alone with this first, then present it to the child. It's a win/win situation - if successful you will get more uninterupted time with your mom, the child will feel special, and possibly it may help 'teach' your mom a discipline technique. Worth a try?

It's up to us as adults to teach by example. You can't have the mindset of well if she's rude, then why would I want to do anything for her. I know it's hard! Good luck!

My almost 7 year old daughter and my mom are very close, but we live over two hours apart. So when my daughter has a chance to see her grandma, she wants her all to herself. It is even hard for me to get a turn talking to my mom on the phone! So I understand your feelings. One obvious solution to part of the problem is to not tell your niece when you make plans with your mom, and then her feelings won't get hurt! Your mom could say she has grown up plans somewhere where kids can't go, and leave it at that. Family members have complained about my daughter's behavior, too, and what I can tell you is to try to see it from your niece's perspective. Since your mom has made the choice to fill in as mother to her grandaughter, which I think is such a kind and generous thing for her to do, there is a double bond there. I don't know how they can be "too close" as you put it, but it is up to your mom to set the necessary boundaries. We all have to set boundaries in any of our relationships, and no one can do that for us. Share your feelings with your mom about needing some time with just the two of you, and make a plan for a lunch date once a week or once a month that you can look forward to with no kids around. It would also be nice to take your niece over to your house once a week to give your mom a break. Good luck!

First, when you are speaking and your niece starts interupting, turn to her and say "please do not interupt, when I am done you may speak", and continue as if nothing happened. If she does it again, turn and say the same thing. Kids need to be civilized and this one hasn't been. Sounds like she is running the show. I would also have a frank conversation with your mom. I would start by not criticizing but by saying "I have noticed lately that (niece's name) has been very (describe the behavior). Is there anything I can help with"? Have you talked to your brother? He needs to man up with his daughter.

There are plenty of kids who have had it rough. Over compensating doesn't help. That is another way of hurting the kid as well.

Sunday is adults only! Talk to your brother first. Tell him this is an adults only lunch and he is going to do something with his daughter. Then tell mom everything has been arranged and she doesn't have to worry about it. If your niece throws a fit, she will survive!

I don't think there is anything wrong with how you feel. It sounds like your niece needs to learn some manners and that your mom needs to stop giving into her. You all are going to have your hands more full as as she gets older if you don't nip this in the butt now. I can see people not wanting to be around her if she is going to behave like that. Your brother needs to recognize this and step in and set boundaries.