I'm not sure if Im being sensitive or not. Im pregnant and have lots of hormones so thats possible, but I will let you decide. My MIL and I used to be like best friends. She lives an hour away which has always been challenging, but never a huge problem. She would usually make it a point to see the kids at least every two weeks. Now that my sister in law (her daughter) has had a baby, it seems like she has forgotten about us. Her daughter lives closer to her and she probably sees her and her baby a couple times a week, and they never call me. :( The last time we saw her (without being a holiday) was a couple of months ago when I invited myself out to her house. She does not have a full time job, she works in real estate which is really slow right now. She keeps telling me how she wants to come get the kids and do stuff with them, but she never does.
The only Holiday I get to have at my house is Christmas Eve, which I LOVE, but she said she is having it at her house because it is more convient for everyone else. It just seems like, if I dont drag my kids out to her house, we never see her anymore. I even invited her to come bake Christmas cookies at my house with my daughter and she said we should do it at her house since her kitchen has double ovens. I feel like Im the only one trying anymore, and thinking back to the way it used to be, it makes me sad. I didnt have both sets of grandparents when I was little, one set didnt care to see us, and that broke my heart. Its always been important to me that my kids have a close relationship with both grandparents. My daughter used to be really close with my MIL, and often she says she misses her. My MIL has stated several times that she feels guilty about not seeing them but never does anything about it. I guess I could just go out there more, but its usually just the kids and I because my husband works a lot, so it results in an overnight stay or me driving an hour home at night with the kids by myself, which I dont love doing and we dont always have time to make almost a weekend of it. My mil is only 45, so she cannot pull the old person card at all! ;) Advice?
Thank you all for the excellent advice. I really appreciate it. I have just decided to try not to let it bother me, which is hard because I know it bothers my daughter. I know that my MIL is very excited about her new grandbaby, as she should be, I just never had an idea my kids would literally be shoved to the back burner. Maybe she does prefer her daughters child over mine. I guess its hard because she has built this relationship with my daughter, and then almost cut it off. Although my kids would love to see her more, Me, with having two kids and expecting one, I can not always accomidate my MIL. I do not want to confront her about it and have her thinking Im accusing her of being a bad grandma, which I dont think at all. So, I have invited myself to her house, invited her to mine, opened my house on the Holidays for her family. There is not much more I can do. At least my kids can always count on my parents and that feels great.
If you normally do Christmas Eve I would still do it even if she doesn't attend. That is the tradition.
Talk to her open and honestly...and calmly.
OK... this is going to sound a little bit harsh, but think about it. You are her daughter-in-law and while she loves you as her son's wife, it is not the same type of love she has for her daughter.
When I had my son, I wanted MY mother there to help and I'm sure that my MIL felt a little out-of-place b/c the relationship b/w mother and daughter is usually strengthened through parenthood. In this case, her daughter needs her help and support right now and so that is where the time is going.
As for Christmas Eve... you traditionally host the evening, but that would mean that they all came to your house (probably b/c it was easier on some level for you and the kids). Now there are more people in their neighborhood, so it would make sense for you to travel.
I know you're hurt, but she probably doesn't realize it. Have a conversation with her- not a whiney one, but a real... "we miss you and I know that X needs you right now, but the kids miss spending time with you. We will come there this year, but next year we'll have a new baby and Christmas Eve will be at our home. We would love to have you over during the week after Christmas for lunch and to play with the new toys. What day works for you" and put it on the calendar.
She sounds like a loving and caring woman who probably doesn't realize that you are feeling left-out. Talk with her and then pack the car for Christmas Eve.
Ok, first off *hugs* to you! And I do think some of this is hormonal, ok? I can see your frustration, but it does not sound to me like your MIL is trying in any way to diss you or hurt your feelings on purpose!
If her daughter just had a baby, she probably is spending more time with them right now. Mothers and daughters can have a very special bond, and some new mamas need more support from their own mothers than others. I know I could not have managed without my own mama then - and I honestly have no idea how my SIL felt about it at the time, lol!
Logistically, if they are closer to your MIL's house- they will just see more of her. My brother and his family all live in the same small town as our parents. Although I'm glad for them, I do feel a pang when my mom talks about getting together casually for dinner or picking my nieces and nephews up from school for them, etc. But I live away and they live there, and that is just how it is! I know if my mom lived 10 minutes from me, she would be doing the same things for my son too.
As far as having you come up to their house- ok, I understand you love to host Christmas Eve, but again, maybe your SIL is not feeling up to taking the new baby out to your house. YOU may have been fine with that when your girl was a baby, she may not- it is just different for everyone. Your MIL is trying to accommodate everyone, it sounds like.
With you being pregnant, she may even be thinking she is HELPING you this way- if you bake cookies at her house, no clean up for you. If you go there for Christmas Eve, you don't have to clean house and cook, etc. She may be trying to be helpful and never even realizing that this is hurting your feelings.
I think you should have a really honest talk with her- and start it out by saying " I know I'm really hormonal right now..." to remind her that you are not trying to attack her.
Tell her how much your kids are missing her and how much YOU miss seeing her regularly. Tell her you understand that her daughter and new baby might need more time from her right now, but that you would really love to join in and are feeling the need for some 'girl-time' in the family now. This is true- and put that way, it doesn't sound like " Why are you seeing her more than me?!!?"
Ask her specifically about cookie baking and Christmas Eve. Tell her you are just feeling like you are not up to driving the kids up for the overnight visit and that you would just really appreciate it if she could come to your house to bake. Remind her again how your kids have been asking for her- grandmas love that!
For Christmas Eve- honestly, THIS year, I would let that one go. You are pregnant and will have plenty to do already. I assume your hubby will be around that night to do the driving. Your SIL has a new baby- make it easier and simpler for them by just going to your MIL's this time.
But- tell both your MIL and SIL that NEXT Christmas Eve you would really, really like to have it back at your house again BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH. Do not make it about NOT wanting to go there- make it about how much you love to host the family.
I think this is just one of those timing things. Your MIL maybe just needs a little reminder of what's going on with you. If you talk to her about it, I am SURE it will all work out.
In the end, you have a loving family with a place to gather on Christmas Eve and be together. Just be grateful for that and take the rest of it lightly- at least until your hormones chill! :)
Good luck and Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Meet her for lunch and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her exactly what you have said in your post. Don't attack her, but tell her your feelings are hurt and so are your daughters. She may not realize what she is doing.
I'm pleased to hear someone who likes their MIL. My mom was/is a young working grandma too! I'm not too sure what to say, women are tricky because we're all hormonal. They may not know how excluded you feel, maybe you could say how much your daughter misses seeing her stop by. It sounds like she is sharing a new bond with her daughter, which is natural. As for the cookie time, she's probably more comfortable in her own kitchen, and the ovens sound efficient. Pre-making some of the dough the day before and bringing it in a cooler can cut some time out of the day!
I know the road literally goes both ways and it seems easier for the grandparents to come to you than for you to drag the kids out of the house. In my experience with my own family, I found if they don't come to you, you have to choose to go or not see them, even if the day is eaten up with prep/drive time. I found most of us have busy days regardless of whether we are working full-time outside of the home or not. We used to live over an hour from my hubby's parents, and only went every month or so and made a weekend of it.
My mind often takes me to place I wonder if I'm just being sensitive! I wish you luck with your growing family. Have a great Christmas!
Some of it MAY be hormonal, her HER daughter DID just have a baby...that has a lot to do with it, mom's and dad's (more mom's) grow closer when THEIR children have babies, and more so when mom's little princess now has a prince or princess of their own. least that's what i've noticed
I think you are wise to let it go for now. After all, after you have another baby, she may be coming around to help you with the baby again and your sister in law will wonder why she's gone all the time. Do the best you can to be involved with your in laws and let them be involved with your family while still doing what you need for your family and it will work out.
read your response.....& I think your MIL is trying in her own way. Now that her daughter has a child, her time is divided....& that's how it happens with new babies.
BUT in her defense, she is inviting you to her house- she is not leaving you out. What you may find happening is that she will want the grandkids to come to her, so that in future years (when the baby is older) .....then she can have all her gkids together for the weekend & they'll be comfortable going with or w/out you.
My son was the eldest gkid on my side of the family. My mom used to stop by on her way home from work.....2-3 x week. 5 months later, my sister had her 1st child.....& things changed. While we missed my mom, I totally understood that she wanted to have that time with my niece. & then by the end of that 1st year, both of the babies were going to Grandma's house for the weekend. We were blessed with a hands-on Grandma who loved sharing her home with her grandbabies!
I sincerely hope that this is the case for you. The fact that your MIL wanted to switch the cookies to her house, the fact that she wants Christmas Eve....all are good signs that she wants to continue her relationship with your children. Change can be good, rejoice in what she is offering! Peace!
I don't have time to read all the responses but I did read you what happened. My oldest was nine before any of my exes sisters had children. So for nine and seven for my daughter my ex-mother in law treated my kids very well. We did a lot of things at our house, etc. I mean the minute her daughter's child was born our whole family was cast aside.
My oldest is 22 now and I want you to know this even though there is nothing you can do about it. Your kids will know the difference, they will see the difference and they will not like it. I have very strong children and as such they confronted their grandma about this. She denied it of course even when my daughter ran down her evidence like an attorney. :)
Their two younger sibs are nine and eleven and the older two hover when they are at their grandparents house. They try to protect them from being hurt. I am saying this so maybe you can understand how much hurt is in those children because of this. They feel they should protect their younger sibs from their grandmother.
I don't know why some grandmas do this and others do not. At least in my case it stems from her not really liking her son but her daughters are the sun and the moon. They really aren't that impressive. After years of hearing how much smarter, better, talented, her aunts were my daughter let this one loose while discussing her high school choices. I am going to be the first smart XXXXX to go to Cor Jesu (the same high school her aunts went). :p I was so proud though you would not have seen that on my face.
Oh my ex-MIL was 42 when our oldest was born. Not sure what that means other than having to listen to her ask to be called aunt instead of grandma. :(
I seriously doubt that Grandma is forgetting about your kids, but she has become sidetracked because her daughter just had a baby. For some reason Mom's seem to be more attached to daughters kids than sons kids sometimes. She is doing what is more convenient for her and maybe your SIL really "needs" the extra support from her mom right now. Try not to be envious. Visit when you want to and when you don't have the time to you can't help that. I'm sure after the novelty of the new baby wears off MIL will get back into some sort of pattern. If YOU do all the visiting tho she will get spoiled and probably wont drive over to see you as much. You just need to figure out how to manipulate it into the way you would like it to go. Maybe you and daughter can go to SIL's house to visit the baby cousin and Grandma at the same time every now and then?
It could be that she is just really wrapped up in her new grandbaby. I would give her the benefit of the doubt, and keep trying.
However, I also think that it might be a good idea to have the kids (especially your daughter, whom she close to), tell her exactly how she is feeling. Next time you call her, tell your daughter ahead of time, and maybe coach her a little bit if needed, to help her with conversational skills, but do put her on the phone and have her let her grandma know she misses her, and that she is looking forward to seeing her again (I'm guessing you'll see her around Chrismas?). Sometimes, hearing it directly from the child is more touching, and more likely to get a positive response from the person, rather than having the message relayed through you.... You do have to be careful how you approach this, though, since otherwise it might appear to be manipulative; if needed, you could prompt your daughter to say something when she sees her grandma in person.
You can also have your husband say something--he could say something to her in person or by phone, in a separate conversation, so she knows that it's noticed by everyone in the family not just the "hormonal" pregnant mom. :)
After that, though, there is not really anything you can do--you can't make her want to have a relationship or follow through. So, you can accept her terms (go visit at her house) or choose not to visit at all.
I would just keep trying. I know it is frustrating. The hormones probably have a lot to do with it. Try not to get yourself down during this special time. Invite her over or to lunch or something and maybe the two of you could talk about it. Try a soft approach.
Good luck. Its never fun when you can't get along with a family member. My mother is very hard to get along with. She is a very jealous person and tends to manipulate others to get her way. I've been dealing with it ever since I was a young child and now I have 2 girls. I would never dream of doing that to them.
