3 1/2 Yr Old.. Ignoring.. Not Listening.. Talking Back.. HELP!!

1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan.

Go buy it, read it, and see just how easy it can be to take back control of your house, not to mention return the precious angel behavior of your child!

I am right there with you. I have two boys, 3 1/2 and 2 and they are driving me nuts. The older one starts it for the most part and the younger does whatever the older one does. The 3 1/2 year old has started fits when something doesn't go his way and he is constantly challenging what I say. He does not listen to me at all and I can't help but feel that I have failed at being a good parent. I guess I think they way they act is a reflection of what I am doing or not doing. I watch some of those Nanny shows and really pray I could have that kind of intervention. Most days I feel like I have lost control of them. I try to not go in public with them because I am afraid of people's reaction to my kids (mostly the older one) when he sets his mind to something and it doesn't go his way. Just today we went to the zoo and he wanted to buy something after one of the displays and I told him no that we would go to the gift shop when we were done. That did it, that set off his "fit", where he cried and tried climbing out of the stroller. He whines a lot to and it really frustrates me. I wish I knew the answers, but I don't. I would love to chat though...

Hi M.,
My 4 yr. old did the exact same thing!!! It drove me nuts too. I think it's a phase but you have to remember that you are going from working to not, and that will make a big difference in his life too.
Last year I did the same thing, being a SAHM, and for about two months it was a huge adjustment for me and the kids. Relax, and you will all get into a routine and things will be fine. Being a SAHM and housewife is the hardest job because you never get breaks and it seems that you are busy from the time you get up until you go to bed.
Keep your chin up and things will be okay, Good luck.
SAHM 14,9,4 and very happily married.

I doubt that your son is exhibiting any learned behavior unless you stayed for several months with your sister-in-law. It's my guess that he's just reacting to the major change in his life that having you home as a full-time mom has created for him. He may also be missing his day care provider and the other children, if there were any, with whom he had daily contact. Perhaps you could arrange for him to visit a couple of times as he makes this change. And, of course, there are such phases that most children go through when "testing their wings". Just be patient with him, correct him when he needs it and give him a little time to adjust. You might also enlist his help with his little sister. Make him feel like her "big" brother by letting him bring you diapers, wipes, etc. and be sure to tell him what a help he is to you and hug him alot. Remember, major changes in OUR lives create major changes in the lives of our children. Good luck - I'm sure you'll make it through unscathed. :-) And by the way, pamper yourself a little when the children are asleep.

So we have some things in common. First of all my husband of almost 5 years is a trucker too so I'm basically a single mom for most of the time. He's home for 36 hours a week. It's so rough and very strenuous on a relationship for sure.

Second, I have a 3 year old son and a 5 month old son. My 3 year old has been acting just like you describe yours acting. Not listening, talking back and so on. He's generally a good kid but when these moments arise I have to nip them quickly. Time out didn't work cause he wouldn't take them seriously. He could still see me and he'd start peeing and spitting on the floor on purpose. I tried taking all of his beloved toys away and that didn't work either. So more drastic measures, which were recommended to me by his pediatrician, had to take place. I've taken every single toy and anything that he can even try to play with out of his room and put a little hook lock on the outside of his door. When he acts up he goes into his room for a while. I don't even give a warning anymore because he's smart enough to know the consequences. He really hates it, especially since there's NOTHING to do in there. It has really helped change his behavior a lot. I don't do this for minor misbehaviors just major instances. He's fine and safe in there and with nothing to do he can really think about why he's in there. He's certainly not perfect and it isn't a cure all method but it is drastic enough to get the point across that some behavior is totally unacceptable. I hope this helps your situation. It has helped mine!! Let me know how things go!!!

I have a son that is 3 1/2 now also...And he recently started with the not listening and tantrums. He has always been so well behaved, and whether or not it's just a stage that he is going through or it is a learned behavior, I didn't want to put up with it! The thing that has been working really well for us lately is a chart. I know it sounds so simple, but he gets so proud of himself when he gets to put stickers on his chart at church showing that he was there and participated, I thought I'd try it out at home. Now we have a chart for everyday things, meal times, baths, brushing teeth, picking up toys...And then at the bottom, I have "No hitting/kicking", "No annoying noises", "Listened to Mommy/other adults", "No tantrums". He doesn't always get stickers next to those, he still has his moments. But on his days that he gets stickers for everything, he is SO proud of himself. (This is also how I got him to sleep in his bedroom in his own bed after 3 1/2 years of sleeping with me, there is a double sticker for that!!) When he doesn't listen, or misbehaves a lot--I try to be a little lenient--I draw a big frownie face with tears coming down, and tell him it makes Mommy so sad when he doesn't act like the sweet little boy that I know he is. He's always very remorseful (and upset that he didn't get a sticker there), and I can really tell that he thinks about it when he is getting ready to misbehave or not listen. Anyways, I know it sounds so simple, but it has done WONDERS for him, from the bedroom ordeal, to trying new foods, etc. Hope you find this helpful, good luck!!

It is both a phase and a learned behavior. Just keep doing what you are doing and also try to talk to him as to why this is not a good idea and not accepted behavior. Tell him that he must behave or there is trouble down the road for him bigger than you or his Dad. Tell him that later in life, you don't want to see him in trouble with the law or anyone else. I know he is only 3 1/2, but some of it may sink in sooner or later. Tell him that just because his cousins seem to get away with it doesn't mean he can. You are only trying to give him the best and not trying to hurt him. He must listen to you until he is 18, so he may as well get in a better mood and do as he is told. Sure hope something works. I really didn't have that much problem, but know a few who have and some that are still having that problem. Their kids are teens and the parents have NO control over them at this point.

Hi M.;
Welcome to the world of being a full time mommy. It's not the easiest job to do.
Since your children are set in one mode with your working outside the home and them spending time with a sitter, or day-care, their lifestyle has also changed. They need a little time to re-adjust also. It can be a frightening experience for him. Maybe your son liked his sitter or day-care. If day care he probably has lost contact with some friendships he enjoyed and cultivated also. Big changes for the little guy and he can not understand why.
If talking with him and being honest for the reasons that has brought about the changes does nothing (don't under estimate children's intelligence - they are very bright little cookies),then try playing his game - by not listening and or ignoring him. It's called reverse psychology. When he becomes frustrated with you not listening or the fact you are ignoring him - that is the time to explain the why's and wherefore's. Perfect time to explain for every action there is a reaction. We get out of life what we put into it. Treat all in the manner we want to be treated.
His lifestyle has changed and he wants to be in full control and dominate you. Be patient and I will repeat do not under estimate your son. He knows what he is doing - now it's up to you to figure out why he is doing it.
I wish you luck:
D. Y.

My eldest learned from his cousins also. on top of what yours learned mine also learned the drop, kick and scream fit. The first time he did this I had just got a glass of cold water from the fridge, as he lay there kicking and screaming, I dropped some of the cold water on him. Then I told him that every time he did this, I was going to give him the same attention. The fact that I had the water was just luck. But, it worked so well with him, that I tried it with my youngest with the same results. Good luck with whatever you decide to try.

I had a lot of trouble with my 5 year old when she was ages 3-4. The book I found most helpful is "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids" by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson. The good news for us is that since she turned 5, she is so much more pleasant. Hopefully it's just a phase.

M.,
It seems to me that your son is copying a bad habbit from his cousins. I do think that this is a phase and he will soon grow out of it, especially since he did not behave this way before.

I know you have tried several discipline methods, but when he throws these fits, what is your immediate reaction? I would suggest that you quickly put a hault to the tantrum as soon as it begins and before it escalates (I know...that is what you are trying to do and just haven't found out how). Maybe separate him from the situation with a time out until he can cool off. Then, as soon as possible, I would get down eye to eye with him and ask him why he did what he did. Try to find out if he is rebelling, jealous of a sibling, or upset about a deeper issue. Ask him if he is acting out because his cousins do. I know he is only 3 1/2, but this behavior started from something. Talk to him and explain why the things he's doing are wrong. Remind him that this behavior is not tolerated in your house. I firmly believe that if you respect your kids' feelings, they will respect you as a parent in return. I think too many parents are quick to yell and punish but forget to talk with their children.

Also, I see that you have had some recent changes in your household and are now a SAHM while dad is away during the week with work. Did this change occur around the same time as the behavior started? Have there been any other changes or just a correlation with the family visit?

Hang in there...you are doing great! Good luck,
D.