2.5 Yr Old Daughter Acting Out Against New Sibling

Hi S.,

It's hard to go from having you to herself to having to share your attention with another person who will sometimes take priority because she is younger and needs so much care. I'd get your older daughter a baby doll and encourage her to care for her "baby" while you are caring for her sister, changing her, feeding her, etc. This can help her feel a part of things. Most kids will be into this but also act aggressively at times toward their doll, which is OK, because it helps her to work out her angry feelings in a way that is not on her actual sister. And, of course try to spend plenty of time with her when baby is asleep.

--S. H.

I had the same age split between my last two kids. It's not easy, but make sure she understands that you will not tolerate inappropriate behavior towards the baby. Have someone else care for the baby while you spend some special time with the 2.5 year old each day (if you can). Read a book, play in the yard, make a cake, whatever.... just make it special and do lots of talking together. This is hard for you because you can't ever leave them alone. The jealousy thing doesn't go away.... you need to learn how to deal with it. Make family time fun,too.... a special movie, dinner, etc... something you can all participate in. Good-luck!

I have kids with similar age differences. My second son was born 3 weeks after my first son turned 2. I haven't had as much trouble with the older one as you described, but 2 and 2.5 are quite different. She probably understands a little more her "displacement" as number one and only in the house better than mine did at the time. However, I thought I would share a tip with you that someone gave me right before my second is born and I've been trying to implement it to cut back on any feelings of jealousy. As often as you nurse the baby (or bottle feed, whichever you do), sit somewhere that that older child can sit next to you and read to them. It makes them feel more involved and less that they are being ignored every few hours (or less!!) when mom has to be 'attached' to the new sibling. It seems to work great with mine. Hope that helps!!!

I had my kids 6years apart so I didnt have too many of these issues. BUT..... your daughter is little at 2.5yrs old, it is surely a big adjustment for her. She has only had the role of big sister for a couple weeks, just give her time and I'm sure she'll come around.

Maybe tell her she can be mommy's little helper and have her get you things you need for the baby or have her help you in general take care of the baby. It is a learning process for everyone.

Most important, take some one on one time with your 2.5yr old, when it is just you and her, take her out somewhere just you and her, so she will know she is still very special to you.

Hang in there mom, it will all work out, give it time.
BTW, I am also in Beverly. Best of Luck

We had the SAME problem in early November! Ironically, pre-baby, I was afraid I could never love my 2nd as much as my first....but once that 2nd was born, I started to wonder if I'd ever love the first the same way again since her complete personality change made her so miserable to be around! With all the raging hormones, lack of sleep, and lack of help (my husband works 9-7), I was at my wit's end. Examples of 2.5 yr. old's behavior were (yes, PAST tense!) yelling, tantrums, hitting me, biting me, kicking me, etc. The worst part of this is that prior to the baby's arrival, she'd NEVER shown any of this behavior and was a model child.

Long story short, what saved us were good, old-fashioned time outs ~ with a twist. Because I was short on man-power, patience, and alertness, I turned her high chair into her time out seat. This meant that she'd be strapped in and I wouldn't have to repeatedly chase her to put her back. I mean really, I was already having power struggles, did I need to add another where she'd revel in the attention, albeit negaive? Yes, strapping your child in a seat sounds a bit cruel, but I couldn't continue hating my life and crying every ten minutes because she'd really hurt me physically and emotionally. When I'd strap her in, she'd resist by trying to hit/bite me, which I'd ignore and wouldn't get upset over (eventually she saw it made no reaction and gave it up, but every now and then she tries it again). Then I'd set the microwave timer for 2.5 minutes, turn the chair around so that she wouldn't have an audience (but place it far enough away from things that she couldn't reach anything), and walk away. When the timer went off, I'd return, briefly tell her "We don't hit, that hurts Mommy," ask for an apology and a hug, and let her out of the chair. We'd start from scratch then, as if it hadn't happened.

Believe me, there was a day when she was in that chair 15 times or so, but that was IT. Now, when I see her temper boiling and recognize that she is going to blow, I remind her "If we hityell/bite/etc we go in time out." She's literally had her hand raised in the air, ready to strike, and with that warning has dropped the hand, turned around, and started playing with something else!! I finally feel like I have gained back control and am not at my daughter's mercy.

Also, I was originally afraid that making her high chair her T.O. seat might make her hate it, but she is able to tell the difference and actually loves using the seat to eat. I never used the tray when she was in T.O., so that may have helped. She also has a booster seat at the table, and likes picking which one to use for meals.

I wish you luck and hope that someone's advice works for you. I can completely sympathize as I was in your shoes not that long ago and was to the point where I just wanted to get in my car and drive away ~ or be admitted to a hospital mental ward where I'd at least get some sleep, care, and attention, and not be feeling like my *toddler* was running the show!!! Believe me, I suggested this to my husband after very long days (and he was to the point where coming home was hard, as he'd come home to chaos and crying).

Truly and honestly, my little girl is back to her old self and the storm has passed. It took about 2-3 days for her to realize that I was CONSISTENT with the time outs, and that dreamatically reduced her outbursts. After a week, I had my great kid back!

Good luck :)

I certainly feel for you! I have a 2.5 yo son and we are expecting any day now for our second one. From what I've read, you need to try to give loads and loads of attention to the first one. What we think are loads are not enough for them in the beginning. Probably all you want to do is rest when the baby is resting but that may be the time that you can spend with your other one. I am dreading the arrival of the new baby for that reason alone. My husband works 80 hours a week so it's going to be a tough ride for us here.

I just had my second child, the first month was really difficult the way you're describing, the second month was much better, and now on month three my daughter is awesome with her baby brother. What helped me was having my daughter help with anything she could, letting her hold the baby (with help of course), and making her feel really important as a big sister. Also spending time with her when her brother was napping so she would know that I still love her as much as ever. Hang in there, it gets much better - now my daughter tells strangers all about her little brother and is proud as can be.

My two children are the same ages apart and i know exactly what you are going through. Try to include her in what you do with the baby letting her know she is the big sister and you need her help (kids love to help) When its time to feed the baby have her get her baby and feed her, also have her spend some "big girl" time with you while the baby is sleeping. Ask questions about her baby like you might hear about yours, like is she a quiet baby, does she cry a lot?? or ask if her baby likes her bottle as much as yours does. When her sister can move and play it will be much easier for you because they will entertain each other...hang in there...mine are 15 and 12 now and i miss the younger years with a passion.

Hi S. :)

I SO feel for you!!! My kids have the same age difference between them and we went through the same thing. My little one is now just over 3 months now and believe it or not it DOES get better! You might not think it will, especially being so tired and worn out already and will wonder how you might make it through,...but you will! :) I LOVED the response from Lori H. She was right on. My oldest was excited about the new baby but once she came he was beyond terrible!! He is usually such a good boy - he of course has his moments, he's two... - but his actions were way beyond what was normal. Thank goodness it was all towards my husband and I and not his little sister. You have to give them their time to adjust I think is the main thing. It took my son probably a good 4-5 weeks to finally be back to his "normal" self. Even if you explain stuff and they seem to understand - their little world gets turned upside down and they don't know how to express all of their emotions or feelings. Even though they may be happy and excited about a new baby it is all confusing and such a change. Try to make her included in helping you do things for the new little one, but when she acts out, as hard as it may be (because you know they are having a hard time adjusting) you have to stick to your guns and show her she can't act that way. I think it is a combination of disciplining them when they act out but also them adjusting to the new situation that will make things better.
I was fine the first week home even though my son was being rotten because my husband was home to help. But boy...when he went back to work I think I had a melt-down about every half-hour because I felt so overwhelmed and it was so hard. But YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Make sure you are trying to get rest when you can as well through all this because otherwise all the tantrums and drama will just be 100 times worse and you will feel like losing it all the more!!
I liked Lori's response with the idea of the high chair and the straps to make her stay put. I never even thought of something like that.
We only recently have been able to make time outs actually work and feel we are on the right track. I would watch Supernanny and see what she would do and get so frustrated that things weren't working for us. :) How do you make them sit there without them getting up and doing their own thing and still misbehaving and you not going absolutely insane!!! ???? I finally just said to myself one day I WILL be the one in charge and I will make him listen - and I don't care if he tries to make me so mad I want to just pull my hair out (!!! :) ) but I will be the adult and can control my emotions and can make this work. If it takes all day, then it will just have to take all day...I will succeed at getting my two-year old to listen!! :) HA! :) When he didn't listen he went to time out. If he wouldn't sit still or was being hateful (kicking, spitting, throwing things, you name it...) - I would hold him in place until he gave up. Not hard - just barely holding his arms still drove him crazy because he wasn't the one in control anymore. And I was going to do two minutes on the timer - two minutes of him sitting still and being quiet. FINALLY after about 45 minutes the first time...he got through those two minutes. It got a lot less after that and now he (usually) goes straight to time out and sits there nicely and can get out. Even if he starts to throw a fit and cries he still will sit still for the most part till his two minutes are up and he can get out. I make him explain to me why he is there - if he doesn't remember or just doesn't I explain to him why - I make him say he is sorry and then we give hugs and kisses. It sounds like it's a piece of cake - but at first it's tough. We have tried other discipline - toys away or spanking or going to bed and nothing seemed to work. This process seems like it's really working. Knock on wood and cross my fingers - it will continue. :)
A LOT of us have been there and might be there again one day - so you are definitely not alone - so don't feel you are. It's mainly patience - patience to let your daughter have the time to adjust and patience to not go crazy when she acts out and you have to discipline her. (I am sure you are in short supply of them right now - but sometimes if you MAKE yourself have them and don't give yourself a choice - they are there somewhere!!)
Let us know if things get better in the weeks ahead. I just recently became aware of this site and have actually enjoyed knowing there are so many other women that go through the same things. Reading all the repsonses is interesting. Some you agree with, some you don't, some you think are way in left field, but all I think help you remember there are others dealing with the same things. Best of luck with this tough but also wonderful time and keeping your sanity (and all your hair!!)through all this. :)

Too little too late, but...

My older daughter was 2 yrs. 4 months when her little sister was born. She came to every doctor's appointment with me. She got to hear the heartbeat and see the ultrasounds. I had her involved from the get-go. I was in the hospital for almost a week (c-section), and my husband brought her in to see us every afternoon. Once my younger one was born, I just made myself available to my older one whenever I could. If I was nursing the baby, I would hold my other arm out for a hug, or ask her for help ("Hand me the diaper, please?") They are 5 and 3 now, and there has never been an ounce of jealousy, and they are very close.