Need Help with Time Outs for 2.5 Yr Old Who Thinks It's a Game

I tried that with my 2.5 year old and it didn't work. At all. I had to engage way too much with him to make it worth while. I was stonefaced and just repeated the "rule" and it was still a battle with him doing silly dances and saying hysterical things that almost killed me!

So, we gave them up and I found another consequence that worked much better for me. I removed myself from him for 2 minutes. For example, he'd hit his baby brother. (I prepared him for this consequence in advance too). I'd say, the rule is "no hitting" and tell him that it looked like he needed a little alone time right now. I'd go in the kitchen. Set the timer for 2 minutes and ignore him. No eye contact, nothing. I'd just putz around, talking to the baby and maybe doing a few things that my 2 1/2 year old would have helped me with (like take the mixing bowls out) just to make it clear that mama was doing things all by herself.

It worked. I felt kind of mean because it really bothered him. But, he stopped the behaviors within 1 or 2 times and we haven't used any of it since.

Usually his hitting was because he was tired, so I'd redirect and try to get him to nap or rest or whatever we needed and if that didn't work, I'd give him his "alone time" (he'd follow me around, but got zero acknowledgement) and as soon as the timer went off, we'd be right back to normal. Like nothing happened.

Good luck.....don't know if it will work for you, but battling time outs was not working for us, no matter what I tried.

I don't think they work for everyone, nor do I really agree with them now.

here is a great link by Dr. Sears about his feelings on time outs and alternate suggestions: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/t061900.asp

I agree with the first response. No talking, no eye contact. Every time he gets off the stair just pick him up and put him back and restart the timer each time. (I would start with the timer so he hears it).Ignore him if he yells or has a tantrum. As long as he stays on the stair (or at least touching it-whichever you prefer) let the timer finish. When the timer goes off squat down to his level and say,"I put you in this time out because...." And then have him apologize and then give a big hug. If he doesn't apologize tell him he needs to sit longer and think about why he was put there (I did this with my son).
When my son was old enough I would ask him why I put him in a time out. If he couldn't answer then I would tell him, ask him if he understands, then have him tell me why he was put in it. Then he apologizes and we hug and I tell him I love him. It's been working well for us.

It may take a long time the first couple of attempts but eventually you get a pattern down and he will understand.

Another thing to do at home is put him in his room for a couple of minutes until he can calm himself down. Then he can rejoin the group. But this doesn't help in public situations.

Good Luck!

Stop talking to him after you place him on the step (if you are). Look disappointed, and use a firm voice initially to signal that his behavior is naughty (look him in the face and be very serious... he has to learn how to differentiate between the feelings) Then every time he gets up, put him back in time out without saying a word to him... do not engage with him anymore than physically putting him back on the step. Make sure that you really change your face so he can learn that this is not a game... not fun for you. Eventually, he is going to get sick of this "game"... it is no longer going to be very fun for him. You may have to stick to your guns for a LONG time (an hour even)... but you HAVE to win the battle. I promise it will get better once you decide that you will win this battle, not him. Every time he wins, it will get harder and harder to do, because he will know there will come a time when you will just give up and let him go. Hang in there. I started time out's at about a year and a half. My daughter is over four years old now and time outs are a cinch.... When it gets to that point, I tell her to take a time out and she finds a seat to sit in and calm down until I am ready to talk with her. Hang in there. It will get easier.

stop talking to him, stop letting his laughter and game playing get to you. keep doing it long enough (until he sits for his entire two minutes) and he will see it's not a game. no kid will think sitting for a timeout is fun. it's the getting up and running and driving you nuts that's fun. you have to outlast him. don't get upset, don't get mad, don't GIVE UP! keep putting him back till he gets the message. yes it will probably take your attention away from the baby - but you have to get through to him that you mean business. pick a time when daddy or someone else is there to watch the baby, and commit to an hour or more of struggle. if you stick to it and outlast his stubbornness he WILL eventually get the message that you're serious and it will be a lot less fun. send him the message - he can play all he wants but when he's done screwing around, he will still be in timeout. he will go from playing, to anger, to hysterics when he realizes you're standing your ground. you HAVE to go through it. and after that first time, it will get easier each time. i promise. you just have to outlast him. and it will probably take two adults, because right now he does need your undivided attention on this. it will make your life - and his - easier from that moment on! children want boundaries and they want to trust you will follow through. i promise it will be worth it.

Good luck trying to get an active toddler to sit still for one minute without moving. It is just not going to happen, especially for boys. I can't help but laugh knowing how my sons would also have fun with that drill. They like to play, so even though you know throwing etc is not acceptable, do make a game out of it in an effort to redirect the behavior. What gets him over-excited, it is tired, sleepy, hungry, attention or wantng to play. When you want him to just quiet down, put/tell him to sit down and then sit with him and distract him with another activity that is not physical/active

I am no time out expert but I think if I tried what you have been trying, it would result in the same thing. My son is 27 months old. Of course its a fun game!! I try to ignore my son's bad behaviors but if they really cross the line, I make him stand in the corner or againt the wall. I do have to hold him there and I count to 30 or even 1 or 2 minutes. It usually is enough time to get him out of whatever mindset he was in and of course, he doesn't like it. He tries to look at me in the beggining, thinking its like wresting but pretty soon he realizes its not a game. I know its hard for you with an energetic 2 year old and a little baby. Try to give him as much positive attention as possible and take him outside so he can work off that extra energy.

If a child doesn't understand what a timeout is for then he's too young for you to use them. Also, from what I understand a TO is for calming or cooling down. It wasn't meant to be a punishment. Your son wants your attention. Kids will try to get any attention they can-good or bad. Try incorporating both of your children into activities, such as storytime, and give your older son some responsibilities Both your kids would enjoy this activity and your oldest can be responsible for picking out the books. This will make him feel important. Some other activities you can do together are taking walks, trips to the playground, picnics, puzzles. Also, your oldest needs some one-on-one time with mom(and dad) each day even if it is just 10 minutes. Squeeze it into your routine and your son will look forward to it each day. Also, distraction works so well for kids this age. I ask my kids to help me do something when misbehavior is just a step away. Things like helping with the laundry or picking up toys. I think if you work on these things, you won't need any punishment because his behavior will improve. Good luck!

A.,
Obviously time outs don't work for everyone. Same is true with all discipline types. When you say "In my mind, I see time outs going like this....." I almost wanted to laugh out loud. It made me think of my second born. The first one seemed to be on the same "mind" wave length as me and all went smoothly. I could easily train him.

Then number Two was born! It wasn't easy, but HE trained me. I learned quickly (all would have run more smoothly if I had learned even quicker) the "techniques" that worked with #1 could all but be thrown out the window with #2, and that I better start trying to figure out just what the pictures were in the mind of #2.

I think it's great that you already have down the idea that all disciplines are not for every child. You have a lucky child to have such a wise mama.

Okay, I took too long to just say.......Try the "Love and Logic" books!

Good Luck!

With one of my children, explaining what they did wrong and why it was wrong worked best, even at 2 1/2 years. With my son, my third, we tried everything. It wasn't until we had him face a corner that anything worked. He thought time outs were great because he could see and comment on things as he sat, we would even ignore him, but he was still active. So, with him facing the corner and counting to 30 (at 2 1/2, we counted with him for the first couple times) was a great punishment and learning experience. Now at 6, if he gets in trouble we give him a time limit, usually 10 minutes, and he counts it out. This is great because, he keeps his own time, he feels calmer and happier when he's done, it diverts his attention, and I do not have to track it.

hi -
I agree with Robin, adansmama and shannon h. after saying "you hit, you need to go to time out" give him ZERO attention (no talking, no eye contact). when you say anything is provides him attention (negative attention is still attention). Much easier said then done! be prepared it may take a VERY long time but he will start to become upset when he doesn't hear you talking to him after 20 minutes of putting him back on the step.

Here is a great video that shows the technique:
http://www.supernanny.com/TV-Show.aspx
http://www.supernanny.com/TV-Show/Clips/Clips/Naughty-Ste...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tn2ix-Z_veA&feature=re...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jw8OiQLO5R4&feature=re...

GOOD LUCK and stay strong!

If you think about it, different consequences affect adults differently. Some drivers will be reformed, embarrassed, ashamed, or even devastated by a speeding ticket; others will merely be annoyed, and shrug off the bad luck. Same with kids. Time outs don't work well for every child.

What your son's behavior appears to be telling you is that he values your attention and interaction so highly that he'll do anything to get it. He's probably too young too make the logical sense of resetting the timer, but what he does know is that you have to come and notice him and reset it. I'd bet my left leg that his baby brother figures very prominently into his behavior.

I strongly recommend the books by Faber and Mazlish, Siblings Without Rivalry, and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I've read the second, use it with my 4yo grandson with brilliant results, and time outs (or other forms of punishment) have become unnecessary. I know a number of young families who have had wonderful results with the Siblings book, too.

We actually have your thoughts of how timeouts should be. I put my daughter (3.5)in her room away from everyone else. I make sure she goes potty first (She peed in her bed because I told her not to get off her bed once). I tell her not TV and no toys during timeout. Once she calms down, I will let her out and explain to her her behavior.

This may sound funny, but I take timeouts too and tell her how I am feeling before I take one..lol..maybe 2 a day. It works and she doesn't fight me when I explain why she's getting one.

Nanc

We had a similar problem with my son, now 5, when he was younger. We changed how we did things. I too figured out he wanted my attention and would get in trouble to get it so I told him one Sun if he was good all week, we would do a certain activity together. I didn't expect perfect and would remind him that I can only take good listeners to the park, to a resturant, for ice cream etc. It would usually curb the behavior. If not I would start to take some activity with me away. Like we will go to the fair still but no pony ride or we still go to the resturant but his little sister gets to pick where we go or I pick. It doesn't work for everything. He's easily frustrated and has difficulty expressing himself then and lashes out. We have worked hard on getting him to say , "I am very frustrated right now" or whatever the emotion is and he will either ask for a break or I will suggest one. A break means he gets ignored by everyone and when he's done he joins us. My husband and I will also say we are frustrated and need a break so he's learned through example. We started this at 2 1/2 and my 3 year old has been doin it for a while too. When we do time outs, its a last resort. Most times they take over an hour to geet him to sit for 5 minutes. He jumps up, laughs etc too. We do not talk to him, smile or laugh but that doesn't seem to matter. with my daughter time outs work much better and are used more often bec she doesn't care as much for the reward. Its all about knowing your child and trying different things and using what works for that child and changing it up when it no longer works. Good luck.

This just may not be the disciplimary tactic that works for you....or rather you need to modify it a bit. At first my daughter responded very well to time-out at home and at daycare. As she got older, it got a bit more difficult--she just wouldn't stay in place and she would end up getting much more upset and prolong the whole disciplinary process.

I heard the same thing over and over again...be consistent and it will get better. Well how many WEEKS of consistency does everyone have to endure before you try something else? I made sure the daycare wasn't giving in...nothing was working and her bad behavior was escalating and the tantrums were lasting longer and longer. For weeks, no matter where we were, if she acted up worthy of a time-out we left. Seriously, we've driven to the zoo only to turn right back around and go home...I've left a full grocery cart at customer service to take her outside...we've had our dinner packed up to go the minute it arrives at our table.

She is just a little older than your son (turned three in March), so you have to judge his ability to understand and really make choices. Now, I make sure to define good behavior before we go somewhere and I think there might be an issue (grocery store, zoo, etc.). Listening to directions is a big problem for us. So I simply say, if you don't listen to Mommy at the zoo, then we will go home. Or Mommy needs your help at the grocery store. You can walk or ride in the cart but you MUST stay with Mommy.

She gets a warning, "Do you want to listen or do you want to go outside to timeout?" "You're not listening." Then without further discussion, I pick her up and carry her outside.

At home, I just have to say "You're in timeout". Right where she is standing. She throws a tantrum. I ride it out where she is. Before she can continue playing, eating, etc she has to come and apologize and tell me why she was put in timeout. We kiss and hug and it is over.

A big part is not yelling and keeping a serious, but calm expression and tone. Time out is as much about withdrawing the emotional connection for a period of time as it is the location.

I have noticed much better behavior, shorted tantrums, and overall easier days since doing this. Once I got the daycare to let her tantrum in place (considering the safety of the other kids), they also noticed the improvement.

It is like the fight over getting her to stay in the time out chair was giving too much attention to negative behavior.

Kids are growing and evolving all the time. Faster than we can figure out how to change our tactics.

I started time outs when my son was pretty young, about when he started walking. I put him in the pack and play or buckled in the high chair. Now he is 4 and usually will go to his room (though not without protest!). He is pretty active and impulsive and getting him to sit on his own at 2 was not happening. I still threaten to put him in the cart if we are shopping and he acts up--he hates to be restrained. I rarely have to do it anymore but I have in the past, complete with full on tantrum in the store (luckily he got it after only a few times). Because time outs are a pain for me I often put his toy or whatever his is misbehaving with into time out first. But he still gets time outs for hitting or other unsafe behavior.

My kids are just under 3 years apart and my son's behavior was terrible for probably 9-12 months after the baby arrived. My daughter is 17 months and it has gotten a lot better in the last 6 months.

123 Magic is a really good book for older kids like school age. It says it is for age 3 and up. It isn't for toddlers and it didn't work for my son at 3 and only somewhat works at 4.

I would tell you to try telling him before you do a time out that way you kind of settle him with your explantion and then when his time is up tell him again then make him apologize kiss him and let him play...or you could always have an extra car seat in the house one with straps and put him there for the two mins again explain before you put him there and again when you let him out..his attention span is limited and you must be repeative in your discipline or it will never work....good luck and remember patience is all you need.

1-2-3 Magic --- It is a book that seems to be working for a few others that I know. There are two versions, the original book and then a follow up book for Christians. I really have not read both, but it is a thought.
Time outs never worked for my kids. They were kids that once I heard them, whether I agreed or not, they still calmed down and could function. So perhaps I didn't always listen as soon as I should have.
My second tip is from my mom many years ago. She said if you saw repeated behaviors that were not something you wanted -- catch the trigger for the behavior and change that. This works especially well for behaviors that escalate. If you take away, or fix the first --- the rest don't happen.
Like feed a hungry person.
Naps for the tired.
God bless you with wisdom for your question

Hi There,
I believe that most of the time, when done correctly and not overused, time outs do work. The problem is, when a child gets up multiple times and ends up not doing their time because of the inconvenience for the parent, then it becomes a game. My 2 year old has gotten out of time outs before not quite getting the concept yet, so when he gets out and makes it a game, I put him in his booster seat with the straps buckled and turn it toward a wall... I always tell him why he is in time out both before and after the time out. My 4 year old daughter has pulled the getting out of time out game many times, each time I put her back in without looking at her or talking to her or showing any emotion. One time it lasted 32 minutes- for the first 20 minutes she was laughing the whole time, but after that she got really frustrated and upset and finally gave up when she knew I wouldn't let up... time outs have never lasted that long since. I think that 2 year olds, like you said, are looking for attention and make it a game. If you are willing and able to, put him in a safe place where he is confined, with nothing to play with (a small gated off room or a seat with straps)... then you will not be giving him any attention and he won't like that. If my kids have done something to hurt another person either physically or emotionally, I make them apologize to that person after the time out and to me for being disrespectful, then we hug and move on. You might also want to try taking away privaleges, or a favorite toy if TO's continue to not have any effect.

When we do timeouts, our little boy (2.5 years) has to face the wall with his hands on it. If he's just facing the wall, he's giggling and acting like he's having fun. For some reason, if his hands are on the wall, I guess it really signals to him that he did something that he wasn't supposed to do. Fortunately, he doesn't get time out too often, but it does seem to work when he needs it. Good luck.

-M.