How to Handle Temper Tantrum Where 2 Year Son Hits Mom.

When my older son was 1.5 he went through a hitting me phase. I used time outs. I know it seems harsh but those 90 second time outs really worked. I am happy to say that he is now nearly 13 and hasn't hit me intentionally since that phase ended (accidental hitting when we're wrestling is another story). I also highly recommend the Louise Bates Ames books from the Gessell Institute for dealing with this age. Lots of good advice in there. Good luck!

I strongly suggest you get ahold of the book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr Harvey Karp. I have a 2 year old that is the EPITOME of the terrible 2's - complete with endless epic tantrums and hitting, kicking, biting, punching. Though I have a degree i child psychology, my own child left me at my wits end.
This book will teach you how to EFFECTIVELY stop your child's tantrums with the kicking and hitting. It is not a long read, so run to the bookstore or library and read it today. It has been my personal savior!

Whn my daughter was almost 3 years old she had a temper tantrum. I calmly put her in another room and told her firmly that she could be as mad as she wanted, but her tantrums were not acceptable and I did not have to listen to them. I closed the door and let her have at it. It only took two tries for her to get the idea that I would not give her tantrums any attention. If you are a single mom I suggest you "take the hit" until you get him isolated in a safer place, and then ignore the tantrum. If you are married, it is Dad's job to step in. It is never too early for dad to teach his son the right way to treat his mom, and that he is never to hit you.

S., 2-year-olds are really too young for time-outs, no matter what anyone says. If he's only hitting when you try to touch him during the tantrums, then don't. My 18-month-old daughter is like that--HATES to be touched when she's upset, and I was the exact same when I was her age. What I do is stay close, intervene if she is in danger of hurting herself on furniture and talk gently to her, or sometimes just be quiet and let her vent. She usually gets it out of her system quickly, the storm blows over and she's back to herself. Then I use distraction to get her away from whatever got her mad in the first place. When I try to stop her, the tantrums get escalates and lasts longer.

Hi S., I have a three year old foster son that has post traumatic stress syndrome and has gone through terrible violent stages, hitting, kicking, biting, breaking glass, and on and on....His family therapist suggested we firmly take his hand, look him in the eye and say "no hurting". If it is myself or my husband he hurts we do the same thing after we visually express an exagerated very sad look, a frown, sunken shoulders etc...It is amazing when he sees us sad, it is the only thing that calms him and he genuinely feels the reaction of what he has done. Many times he will immediately apologize and we respond with much praise for him having understood that hurting is not ok. The combination of these two things consistantly has really made us a happier family and he's much more at peace now that he sees that actions have a reaction. Isolation after outbursts may work for some kids however if a child is lashing out toward you, they need to see the results of theat action in order to learn it's not acceptable. Your baby does not want to hurt you, so let them see how it affects you, and they will explore other, hopefully not at all harmful ways of expressing their feelings. Warmly, and empathetic, S.

We had the same problem with our daughter (who is now nine). We used to make the same Jekel/Hide analogy. She usually only hit me if I tried to put her into a time out. She would never hit her father, just me. We did not have problems with her hitting other children at preschool, although she does hit her younger brother...

I've read MANY parenting books and have seen psycologists about it. The level of violence escalated from just hitting to hysterical, hyperventalating, hitting, screaming, biting, and scratching... These violent meltdowns were almost always triggered by my trying to put her in time out, even though she knew we used a timer and it would be relatively short (we used the one minute per year guideline.)

One psycologist said that some children can't handle time-outs because they see it as a rejection and feel abandoned. They suggested sitting quietly with the child and having a time-out together or giving up on the time-out approach altogether.

I'd recommend books called "1-2-3 Magic" and "Raising Your Spirited Child," and if things continue to get worse, "The Explosive Child".

Honestly, we never did find a way to handle this issue that worked for our family. Especially when you have more than one child fighting, you really need to be able to separate them and send them to their rooms. At nine, our daughter now only has violent meltdowns once in a while, but she still really hates to be sent to her room.

Good luck!
-D.

I had the same kind of trouble, and finally settled on what seemed like an extreme solution. I would lock him into his extra car seat for his time out. He could not get out, and it allowed him to cross that emotional barrier & start to calm down. Sometimes he would rock the seat back on the floor, which meant that he spent the time flat on his back, but still locked in.
I resorted to this solution only after trying lots of other things. His father had no trouble dealing with giving him time outs, but nothing else worked for me.
PS. He is now a great 15 year old, about to be a foreign exchange student, lots of good stuff, and a very even tempered person!

May I suggest you read Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. It's a wonderful book on how to stay connected with children. Your son is simply expressing his frustration in the only way he knows how. He doesn't need to be punished for expressing himself! And, "time out" periods are "abandonment" to a child. We mus not abandom them, we must help them by working on our connection with them. That's our job. Pam Leo gives wonderfully helpful suggestions to do just that.

Best wishes for a Happy New Year!

M. Milos, RN

I tell my two and a half year old son "gentle hands" or "soft, please" when he gets too aggressive. We have been doing this for about six months, but now he will stop immediately and usually say "are you okay mama?" or "sorry". TIme outs last about a minute (if it comes to that) and I sit with him and calmly repeat why we don't hit, kick, bite, etc. This is what has worked for us, but every kiddo is different. I also have a five year old who worked her aggressions out in an entirely different way (we had to draw pictures, process, and find other outlets for her). good luck!

I started giving my son time outs when he started hitting. He gets his time outs in his room on his bed. If he is hitting while I carry him, I either ignore it or carry him in a way that he can't do much damage, like by the ankles. I put him on his bed, close the door and hold it closed if needed. Once he has calmed down I can then go in and talk to him. Basically, he has a right to be upset and grouchy, but the rest of us don't need to hear it. He can do that in his room and when he is sweet, he can come join the rest of the family.

hey sweetie -
when toddlers are in their hitting phase, it's no fun; i've found that the trick is to NOT show an excited/upset reaction to the hitting, but to CALMLY say "we don't hit living things, etc." and calmly show the child how to stroke/pet a person/animal, AND also show them something that they CAN hit! like the couch, a pillow, etc. we're working on giving words to describe her feelings, too
two year old babies are too young for time outs, i've heard -
good luck! again, the biggest help for us has been to NOT show an excited/upset reaction - this just gets our little girl laughing and smacking like it's a great game -
:)

This is very common for a two year old. However, stop it now before he gets older. You're right, he's getting exactly what he wants, "Positive attention for a negative behavior." When he hits you do not engage in conversation with him. I have worked with kids who do this. Try the, "hands down" or "feet down" with a neutral tone in your voice approach, then just ignore the behavior. Eventually, when he isn't being reiforced for the bad behavior, it should decrease. Then give him lots of verbal praise when he's doing things the right way. Start through out the day catching him being good. I know it sounds cliche but kids love that verbal praise. Just a quick, "Hey, I love the way you're playing so nicely" goes a long way. If you use specifics in your praise, then the child knows exactly what you are pleased with.

As for the time outs, if you do use them, tell him once why he is going to time out. Use a calm but direct voice, "you hit mommy..that's not ok...time out for 2 minutes." Then just put him there. Keep an eye on him but withdraw your direct eye contact and don't get into any conversation with him. Again, you don't want to reinforce his negative behavior. As soon as he is calm start praising him, "Good job sitting quietly..." Be careful not to put him in time out for too long. Also, don't move him from one area to the other. As soon as you do this, he's getting that attention again. You could purchase a bean bag chair and make that the time out area. This way if he head butts or hits, you can redirect him (without talking) towards the bean bag to keep him safe. Good luck.

Read Touchpoints by Brazelton!!! There is some AWESOME advice in there about hitting at that age, and how you could handle it.
Basically, though, it says that it is up to you to teach them how to control their emotions, and that by getting angry in reaction to their action only gives them attention; which is pretty much exactly what they wanted in the first place. He recommends that you stop what you're doing, tell the child that that hurts, and show them a better way to let you know about their frustration.
You really should buy that book though, it has helped me and my sister in laws tremendously for many different stages of our babies.
Good luck.
S.

When my son does this I firmly tell him that I do not like or appreciate being hit. If I cannot take him out of the room (as your son is doing) I walk out of the room. Every single time he hits or head butts me I do this. It has taken a long time (over 6 months) but it is working. He hates being walked out on. When he's done and comes back to me, I always tell him that I love him and reiterate that I do not like to be hit. I also give him "words" to associate with his feelings. If I cannot do it right when he starts I will discuss it with him after his episode. Sometimes, he will try to hurt his little brother or himself. In those cases I bill sit on the floor and wrap my arms and legs aroung him and hold him until he quits resisting. Good luck and have patience. I have found that if I yell or talk too loud it only gets worse.

I personally wouldn't hesitate to yell or respond strongly if it really hurts. Why shouldn't he see what the effects of his actions are?
And I have always pointed out to my son that I don't hit HIM.

Hi S. - under NO circumstances should you let your son hit you. My 3.5 yr old daughter occasionally does this and she gets a time out and something special taken away. Hitting is not appropriate. He will hit others at preschool in the future. And, as he gets bigger, he'll hit you harder. I consider hitting, biting, spitting the worst offenses for my girls. They are sent to their room and lose something no questions asked. Expect him to put up a fight; that is normal. However, you are the Mom and your job is to love him and teach him the ways of the world. Nip this in the butt early.