For I don't know how long now my daughter wants to sleep with me in my bed. She'll go to bed between 6:30 and 8pm, depending on how tired she is. Then, starting between 10 pm and midnight she'll start asking to sleep with me in my bed every two hours or so.
Our night time routine hasn't changed since she was born. I'm so tired in the morning it's hard to get going to get my 6 year old off to kindergarten at 7:45 9he catches the bus). She has been getting progressively whinier over the past months, and I know she's not getting enough sleep at night.
She doesn't want lullabies played in a CD player. She doesn't want the radio on. She doesn't want her bedroom light on **at all**. She doesn't want her door closed.
I don't want to co-sleep because I'm a light, restless sleeper, and so is she. If she does spend all night in bed with me the next day is even worse than when I put her back in bed every 2 hours. She says that sleeping in her bed is too scary and she doesn't like it.
A couple months ago she and her brother were playing in her room when he put down her bedrail/safety net, she fell out and broke her collar bone.
I'm so sleep deprived I'm out of ideas.
**Edited on Nov 12th
After she broke her collar bone she was fine sleeping on her own. That could be the culprit. Co-sleeping is not an option (we both get worse sleep) and mattresses on the floor is not an option (not enough room).
Thank you all for your ideas. I talked with her last night and I'm going to get a nightlight and put it in her room. She doesn't like the dimmer because of the buzzing sound the light makes, I think. I also piled on all her blankets, at her request last night. Not sure if it helped much. I've also got to get my husband on the same track as me too. I do do the Super Nanny thing and just take her by the hand, walk her back to bed, lay her down, cover her up and go back to my bed. Once she came out to him instead and he let her stay in his lap for a bit.
The other hard thing is that she still very much speaks toddler-ese. Her speech is getting better for anyone to understand but she is by no means the fully verbal, speaking in coherent sentences like some 2 year olds are.
And no, I'm not a recently single mom, just feel like one most of the time.
If it was the fall that is causing her anxiety, then I would put her mattress on the floor for a while so she can feel safer.
Sometimes just writing down what is happening provides clarity and taking a step back to read what was written. It seems that the fall out of bed probably provided a beginning to this nightly drama.
My daughter didnt want out of her crib until close to 3 and then we had a bedrail until 4. this made her feel safe and secure cause she is a crazy sleeper. When we traveled she would fall out of bed. this caused her to want to cosleep.
Can you get a new bedrail that cant be put down. Maybe she will feel safer. Is the bed against the wall on one side so she can sleep closer to that to feel more safe.
She is also at the age that monsters can be under the bed. We did a monster sweep everynight and pretended to spray monster be gone spray every where. We also told her that monsters hate the dark and they go find places with light for the night. We also got a fish tank that had a light in it and left that on during the night for a while - it provided something to focus on and a bit of night light.
We still struggle sometimes with wanting to join us in bed, but it is usually just a weekend cuddle or for a more specific reason like not feeling well and we give in for those. But it is always a struggle to get her back on track to sleep in her bed the next few days.
Good luck and hope this is just a phase.
The other suggestions of bed on the floor could help too.
I would suggest putting her mattress on the floor and trying to get her more comfortable with it. Make time during the day to just go sit on it with her and read a book. If she sees your comfort level with it, that may help her. Also, let her pick out a special pillow or blanket that she loves but only allow her access to it when she is in her bed. Unfortunately, it is difficult to break bad sleeping habits once they are that age, so it will take you some time.
Sounds to me that she's needing more specific kind of attention from you. Perhaps she needs more cuddling during the day. You could cuddle with her while you read with her in her bedroom on her bed if it's adult size.
Perhaps role play with her in her room, setting it up so that she may be able to tell you thru the play what is scaring her. You could be her and she you for a bit and then reverse roles. Ask her who each of you should be and she might suggest a role that would give you a clue. (such as nurse, big brother, etc.)
Have you tried Supernanny's technique of immediately putting her back in her own bed. First time tell her it's night time and she must stay in her own bed. Next time just say good night. Third and every time after don't say anything; just calmly put her back in bed.
According to Supernanny this usually works with just a few nights of consistently doing it. This did work for my daughter only it took several weeks because she wasn't consistent and because she wasn't calm and matter of fact about it. She let her irritation and frustration show.
When the parent is emotional about it the toddler/child reacts to the emotion instead of to the necessity to stay in bed.
As to mattresses on the floor idea, you don't have to use a mattress. You could put down some pillows and blankets in your room and she could sleep there. If you decide to do that I recommend starting out the night with her in your room on the mat that you've made. Then gradually move the mat inch by inch into her room. I got this idea from other mother's on this site. I've never tried it.
I think it's important to have a bedtime routine including a consistent time to be in bed. Perhaps doing the same things with her every night at the same time would help.
Also check to see that she's warm enough. Does she stay covered up during the night? Feel her feet and legs when she comes into your room at night. If she's cold she's going to go looking for warmth. Perhaps a blanket sleeper would help.
Being too warm will also prevent her from sleeping well.
I may have your post mixed up with someone else's but I thought that your original post said that you were a recent single mom. If there has been a change such as that your daughter is feeling insecure and looking for reassurance which goes back to spending more one on one time with her during the day.
Another possibility: It's possible that she's learned that you will give her sympathy, etc. because she's scared and is using that ploy to get the extra attention she needs. We all use what works to get what we need.
It's not so important to know why she needs reassurance as it is to give her the reassurance. Understandably you can't co-sleep. Eventually you will find something that works for both of you.
I'd suggest putting mattresses on the floor (yours and hers, right up against each other, with separate blankets). When she wakes up during the night you can soothe her back to sleep, maybe roll over to her bed and snuggle with her, rub her back, etc, to help her go back to sleep, then roll back into your bed so you can sleep. You could wear ear plugs to bed (I've done that for years), so that any little sounds she might make wouldn't wake you up, but anything needing a response from you would wake you up. Once she starts to feel safer, she will probably start sleeping much longer stretches, and eventually she will want her own bed and her own room. I know how hard it is to be sleep deprived, but from my experience this sort of arrangement worked really well with my children and now grandchildren, and they soon enough want more independece, but pushing them into independence too early has detrimental effects and backfires.
My oldest would start in his bed and end up in ours nightly. After trying so many things,I gave up. When he awoke at 2am, I'd just get him and put him into our bed. He just naturally reached a point where he was ready to stay in his bed...around 4 years old. Knowing this, I didn't fight it with my second child, who followed suit with starting in her bed then ending up in ours mid-night, and she progressed to sleeping in her own bed at slightly after she turned 3. I think that surrendering to it and just picking them up and putting them in our bed without a fight enabled them and me to get right back to sleep. Some day, I will look back at that time and miss it. Also, I highly recommend a king sized bed! We missed it with the first child, but it was nice for the second. It's fun for reading the paper etc. as a family on Sunday am a well!
sounds like you suspect falling out of bed is the operative fear ...
put her mattress on the floor
play a game of rolling off it--if that's too scary, put some pillows along the edge for her to roll onto
or, if you really want to keep her in her bed, put a mattress on the floor next to her bed, same game ... or make a comfy mat/blanket nest for her on the floor, so she has a "safe" place to choose to sleep ...
my second child slept for about two years almost every night in the comfy bedtime-reading chair instead of in his bed ... why? I don't know. Eventually he got so big I insisted he sleep in his bed so he wouldn't mess up his growth, all crunched up.
My Ex was a light sleeper. Once the babies got super wiggly I split my time between the big bed and cosleeping on a mattress on the floor. This also meant when the kids did occasionally as big kids came in and tried to sleep with Mommy and Daddy, they weren't shocked if I set them up on the floor ;).
Anyhow, lots of options that might let her sleep and therefore *you* sleep. Good luck and God bless :).
Co-sleeping is hard to suddenly do with an older child. My 2yo is still in a crib and we are working past a whiney needy phase, basically I got to a point where I just had to say "X number of songs then we lay down." He was wanting more walking him around, more singing (things he had refused to let me do for months and months). I had to come up with a plan and stick to it--if I was convinced it was necessary then it was easier to convince him and stick to it.
I'd say either put a futon or something on your floor and let her sleep there if she comes to your room, if that's a compromise that might work. Or put a gate at her door so she can't leave. Either way i'd give her warning for a couple of days and just be very matter of fact about it, know your reasons and share them with her. And I suggest giving any plan at least 3 days, *usually* that's enough to see a change--if there is going to be one. Sometimes it's small but stick with it if there's any improvement.
It can be hard age for this stuff. My son is doing better going to sleep and stopped his 5am waking (that's what was killing me), but at least a few times a day he'll tell me--in toddler speak--that he was crying for mama in his bed. Eventhough I go to him when he wakes up, I still hate to hear him talk about having to cry for me!
Good luck!
I too am a very light sleeper, but I still have found I get more sleep by allowing the little ones to come into our bed. We too do not have room for another mattress, but for sleeping in our room with out it I have found they sleep fine on a thick pile of blankets or a foam thing you buy for camping.
I also often will go and sleep in her room with her if I don't want her in my bed that night and I can leave the next time I wake up.
You may also want to try giving her calms tablets from Highlands. They are not habit forming nor are they a drug ( they are a homeopathic) and they help children and adults sleep better. You might also want to try lemon balm, camomile, or lavender teas for the both of you since they all help with sleep. Also try taking a good sized dose of calcium and giving one to her as well ( just be sure also balanced with magnesium too) about an hour before bed time, also do the same for yourself, it sounds like part of the issue is her getting up and not sleeping well and part of it is your poor sleep.
Frankly I do think most little children are afraid, especially as it gets dark earlier of being in bed all alone, put yourself in her shoes. You might also want to read the book Night Time Parenting by Dr. Sears for more ideas ( he has raised something like 9 kids and is a pediatrician as well)
