18 Year Old Leaving for College--but I Feel Sad for the Wrong Reasons.

You got some great answers below. What's that saying about parents being dumb when you're a teenager and suddenly getting smarter when the kids reach their 20's??? It will get better, there is a huge shift right now and everyone needs time to adjust. Hang in there Mama!!

Yes! You will get him back most likely. I know several men who you'd never guess we're huge jerks to their mothers they say. My husband is one. Another friend is so close to his parents and in every category amazing. I was so shocked when he told me once he was horrible to his mother for years. So I think there's hope.

I can't speak entirely to the porcupine thing, but my son does occasionally get what I call "a tone" in his voice. He's just so damn smart sometimes, you know?

Some of the grunting is very typical of the age (meaning early teens and on). Some of the "Why don't you listen the first time?" is right out of a lot of parenting or teaching styles - so kids absorb what they hear said by an adult in their lives (not necessarily you) and show their impatience.

Some of this is really necessary for them to separate when they go off to college. They are feeling, or feigning, a bravado they need to convince themselves they can take on this next challenge. It's a survival skill. My advice: Let him use that skill!

Here's the thing with the first semester of college: We get all stressed out, we take them to the dorm and start to do the mother thing of making the bed and packing all kinds of shampoo and body wash and extra socks. It drives them nuts. They push us away. But again, it's survival.

My advice is: breathe. (I know it's hokey and I don't mean it in an insulting way.) You have the patience the kid doesn't have. Within 24 hours of you leaving him there, he will feel your absence. He will not tell you this. He will, if asked, deny it. So don't ask. Give him the message that he's totally competent to manage. When he comes home at fall break or Thanksgiving, he will be a new person in many ways. He will luxuriate in sleeping in his own bed, compliment you on your cooking (or at least eat several helpings), and will bring home 40 pounds of laundry he will appreciate your help in washing. He will have had a huge wake-up call about using the grunt-and-gripe attitude with a professor or an RA or a teaching assistant, he will have had a couple of eye-opening bad grades (because he either didn't anticipate the workload, didn't have someone to get him up for the early classes that are assigned to freshmen, or he didn't realize that everyone there is at the same academic level as he is and therefore SOMEBODY has to get a C or a D now and then), and he will understand that being an adult has responsibilities that have often been borne, at least in part, by Mom and Dad. If it doesn't happen by Thanksgiving, it will happen by January. Wait for it. Don't gloat. He will, hopefully, come around.

It's okay to enjoy the relief at this separation. It's the long-term, adult-child version of being relieved to have a babysitter for the kids or to send them to overnight came for 2 weeks. It's okay, it's allowed, it's normal.

I love your post. Because I can relate. I have a porcupine child. I love this description.

Mine has recently seen a therapist because I am having a hard time parenting him. I go too. She called it low social awareness - but like you, everyone else compliments me on him. Top grades. Great in his sports, activities, etc.

I recently saw a video of him at age 3. It's funny. The porcupine behavior was already there - we can see it now looking back.

In our case, my husband was like this. He still is with his mother. She does all the stuff (bug him) that he detests. My son reacts the same - which is why I specifically don't do it. I've learned what sets him off. And I've learned to just leave him be.

He's the one if he's up for it will come search me out. I leave it in his hands. But yes, when he went to camp, I felt like I got a much needed break.

Sometimes I think they become abrasive so they can separate emotionally from us and work on developing their own sense of self.
He does this cause he needs this boundary for right now.
He might change again once he achieves this and somewhere in their mid 20's they sometimes turn the abrasive act off.

Some boys are just brooding at that age and trying to figure out what is going on all around them. Give him some time and some space. And enjoy you little bit freedom from him as well. A little space will do you good.

You know, I feel like my oldest was a little snarky at times with me, too, compared with the other two (which I'm not supposed to do, compare, and there it is).

In hindsight, I think maybe he wanted a separation between himself and his younger sibs, like he wanted to be treated differently, older, less mothering, you know?

And like yours, he did everything right. Great grades, no trouble, focused, decent to his friends, etc.

Anyway, he's almost 24 now, graduated college, has a great job. Still a little more standoffish than the other 2 (there I go comparing again, grrr).

The relationship we have now was a gradual process of change, and it occurs to me that once I let go of him, he started wanting to know me again.

Not sure this makes any sense. Just that I think it's really gonna help your relationship with him for him to go away to school. It's gonna turn out great, I promise. But you gotta stop saying "Where are you going" to him, and instead say something off hand like "Cheeseburgers for dinner if you'll be home by 6 or 7", or something to that effect. Like he's a man now (do not giggle when you read that), and wants to be treated as such. Or something.

HTH!

:)

ETA: When I dropped him off at school the first time (4 hrs away), and it was time for parents to leave, I tried not to be weepy, I tried to say "James, I'm so proud of you", and he said "Mom, I know, don't", cuz he was a little weepy too.

Sometimes a lot more personal space between the parent and adult child is needed for the relationship to have a chance.

My youngest brother and his father never got along until my brother left home. In their case, they shared some qualities irritating with each other. Neither one could see it, nor would they admit they were a little too much alike.

My husband and oldest child both have a bad habit of not being aware of when it is time to simply shut up. They usually get along well, but once they get started... I've privately talked with my husband to remind him that he is the adult. That doesn't mean he has to have the last word, it means he needs to have the wisdom and maturity to know when to stop talking first, without ire. That's how an example is set for a kid.

If your question "Where are you going?" sets him off (ridiculous, I know) try not asking. Instead try, "See you later, love you!" and ignore his mumbles.

In any case, enjoy the break from pulling quills out of your face. ;-)

I go through this sometimes with my son. Same age as yours. He also leaves for the college dorms in about 2 weeks. Same schtuff you describe. They hibernate in the their room, so as they walk past you ask a question to try to engage them... they mutter or throw off an irritated yes/no response with as little verbiage as is humanly possible.

It isn't constant. But often enough. I suspect some of it is the strain of growing up. The need to be independent and grown and not reliant on (not just a parent, but in particular, on) MOM. He is much better with my husband. I think he feels more "peer" like with his dad. With moms, they are ALWAYS our "little boys"... and they know it. And don't like being reminded, I think.

Try not to take it personally. And give him as much space as you can. Ask him things that concern matters that you have no say in. (How he liked the movie he went to with his friends, what his plans are for Saturday--without implying that he needs to ASK permission to do anything, etc.)

Don't ask mom questions (do you have your lunch, do you have your books, did you fill out the forms, did you ____?). Assume he's getting things done, and talk to him. Not AT him. Not peppering with little questions...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're doing things all wrong. I do the same things, and have to try to stop myself. It's hard. They're always going to be our first born babies... and we want to take care of them and for them to have the best life they can. And we want to do what we can to help them achieve that. But, at this stage, sometimes that means letting them fail, or be late, or make a mistake, or get frustrated with an irritating process of some sort, and let them pull away. They'll come back. But not if they don't ever have any distance to come back from. I just have to keep reminding myself of this.

I love your description and think you got some great answers. My 18 year old can be quite surly with me too, for no reason at all. If I didn't have other kids who adore me and want to spend time with me I'd think it was me but no, it really is him and it seems that the surliness is a special treat reserved just for me. Lucky me! He's not prickly all the time, but it's often enough that when he is civilized, I secretly wonder if he's trying to butter me up for something. A lot of my friends report the same thing, and we're usually surprised because their sons can be so nice to us, the other mothers.

In any case...I bet that when he's off on his own you'll have a while where he still acts like you're an annoying idiot but I bet after a year or two, he'll mature enough to be able to recognize how much you mean to him. Enjoy the break and hope that with distance and maturity, he'll be ready to put his hormones and moods and ego aside and relate to you like a real person and not a difficult child.

It's part of the age and the rite of passage from child to adult. Part of it is separating from the nest to become an adult. Sometimes I think that boys say and do things to push moms away so that they can become a man. You as mom want to keep them little and they want to be an adult. Time to step back and let them sink or swim so to speak and find out what life is all about.

By the time that they are 15 all that you want to teach and guide them should be in place. It is how it comes out is how you know how much was retained during the years of teaching your child how to become self-sufficient. I see things and hear things many years later that I said when they were little that they repeat.

Time for you to get a hobby or take a class for yourself. Be there when needed but stay in the background and follow their lead.

the other S.

He is not gone forever. He is going through a HUGE change in his life and he is probably a bit scared/nervous about it but he will not allow you to see that side of him because he wants to be the independent child you have raised.

He will be ok mom... try to relax about it and just let him know you are there for him and support him no matter what. Of course keep the communication wide open but don't prod.

My daughter moved to her condo at 18 when she started college. She lives about 20 minutes away and is VERY independent. I try to not prod with questions. We do text and talk daily and see each other a LOT. In the beginning, she only came home to wash clothes and now she comes home just to come over and visit. Yesterday she brought me a sweet card and little gift.

We all go through some sort of tough time with our young adults. Just be patient and watch your behavior.

I am in my early 50's and I despise when my mom calls me or I call her because all she does is prod... "what did you do today", "who did you do it with", etc. On Sunday she asked me about my week and I said I was busy this week. Yesterday she calls and snidely says... "well how was your busy day" and was mad because I didn't explain what I was doing all day. Mind you, I have lived away from her since I was 18 and she did this all my life. It is one reason I moved a plane ticket away on purpose. Sometimes I think she believes I can't go to the bathroom without her help. I am the one that had a successful marriage and relationship, she is on marriage #3.

Rant over... just be aware and be there for him. This is a huge step and he is nervous as well.

Yes, being away will smooth down the quills. You will start to see a difference in 4-6 months and a huge difference by two years.

Just yesterday my son gave me a hug and a kiss on the top of the head and an I love you, as he exited the house. Let's just say he was not doing this at the end of high school, to put it mildly.

I completely concur with Suzanne's first paragraph. No worries.

Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder. Age and maturity, live experiences, wear down the quills too.

You two seem to have set up a pattern of communication where what you say is taken the wrong way and in return you expect him to say something sarcastic and abrasive. This probably could have been corrected 8 yrs ago when it started by sitting down together and talking through everything. Now its second nature.

He may get better when he goes away because he may see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. But he may come home and act the same way.and that would be your chance to change it. If he comes home with the same crappy attitude you can say 'you know we've never really been on the same page when we talk. You think I'm overstepping and I think you act like I'm annoying. I don't like our cycle of communication so what can we do to change it. You are now a grown man who really should have the tools to communicate with anyone.'

And please don't feel guilty about missing him for the wrong reason. It sounds like you need a break for the day to day jerky behavior. You deserve some downtime.

You are not alone. Time, sometime lots of time, does wonders. Appreciate all you have done for him. Send him on his way each day with love and as few questions as possible. Accept your own feelings. You are entitled to them. All my best.

Awww L., all I will say here, is that I understand. I do believe that that sarcastic-stage will pass though. In the meantime, try not to feel bad about your relief coming. All moms need a break at times. Sending you a big hug.

My dd can be very irritable with me, it's because she feels safe and knows she can let her hair down. I did the same thing to my mother. When I left the house, everyone loved me. When I was at home I was awful.
Every kid is different. Your son just needs some downtime when he doesn't have to be nice and a "good kid". Unfortunately, parents have to take the brunt of a lot of it.