Hey mamas,
Well a really good friend of mine has been getting under my husband's skin for awhile now and I am wondering what to do. First off I have been friends with her for like 8ys or so, we don't talk everyday or anything but I truly consider her a best friend, she has watched my children over the years and she is just awesome the times we do get to hang out are just the best bc I always feel free to be myself and she laughs at all my jokes :D She has grown a TON over the years I have known her, when we met she was kind of a timid person but when she warmed up was a blast with anyone she would show her real self to. Well over the years she has gained confidence and is now so much more outgoing and people can see her sparkling personality all the time :) She got married very recently and is really happy in that dept. too. So to the issue, she does zing my hubby at times and he is getting very annoyed. Just recently at one of my children's bday parties she did it a couple times, not really nasty or anything, just kind of snarky. Well my husband is very fun and all, but he isn't sarcastic and he doesn't like sarcasm and I am not particularly sarcastic either, but it doesn't bother me as much as it does him. I think she was a little out of line, but I don't think she meant anything by it really, as I said she is in this time of letting loose a bit more and that can be a great time but also a hard time as well. I didn't know it bothered him that much but when I mentioned something about her he was like 'whatever...' and anytime I said her name even he didn't want to participate in the conversation, I asked him about it and he said that what she did/said really upset him, he forgives her, but he doesn't know if he really likes her much anymore. Well that is big, my husband likes everyone. Getting on his list isn't easy and getting off it ain't much easier. I do see his point, but I guess knowing her so well, I don't feel she meant it so hard as it came across... So, should I say something to her? I mean at this point, my husband doesn't really care to hang around her, not that we did much before, but now that she got married I was thinking of a double date etc. If I do say something, what should it be? They aren't really close, but he has always liked her but they never talk except at events etc, so I know he won't say anything, I just hate to think that he will feel annoyed anytime I get a chance to hang out with her etc. She and I had an issue once and we talked it out and were much better... Thoughts? Sorry..this got so long....
I think i would casually mention how you've come to realze DH really doesn't appreciate sarcasm, some people do and some dont,
bring that up a few times with out saying DH doesn't like it when YOU were sarcastic to him at the Bday party. and see if she gets the hint
I would hold off on the double dates but continue to enjoy my friend.
I guess it really depends on what exactly she said.
For me, I am very sarcastic. I can BS with the big dogs, but when I know someone else isnt into that, I act accordingly.
If she said something very offense, yes, maybe address it.
But, at the end of the day, if this person makes you happy, and she is one of your true friends, if your husband does not enjoy her, oh well, even more reason for ladies night. :)
You know what I mean? My husband does not understand my relationship with my best friend, but, he doesnt have to, because she is MINE, not his.
If he wants to join us, he is more than welcome, if he doesnt we can go our separate ways once a month.
No, big, deal.
If she is being snarky and it's hurtful to your husband, let her know that she's being snarky and it's hurtful to your husband. You don't all have to hang out. You can just hang out with her sometimes. Don't push the "double date" thing, just do "girl" stuff. If she listens and stops "zinging" your husband and he feels like she's improved, that relationship may improve over time. Don't force it.
If she's that good of a friend I would certainly say something to her. Just let her know that some of her comments have rubbed your hubby the wrong way, and you know she meant nothing by it, but it upset hubs. It sounds like she'll take it to heart and may even apologize to him for it. You need to look out for your husband's feelings first. I'm sure your friend will understad especially if you put a positive spin on it, i.e. she didn't mean to be "snarky".
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
My husband and I see friends we like without the other present. I would just continue to see her and just make sure to have time for hubby first and foremost.
Personally I would not mention it to her so as not to possibly betray my husband's confidence.
I would just see her as a girlfriend on "girl" time - not "husband" time. I have friends like that and it doesn't have anything to do with our husbands.
You can be friends with her but don't plan anything that your husband has to be around her. If it is something that is unavoidable, like one of your kids' birthday parties, just be up front with her. Tell her not to be sarcastic around your husband because it is annoying to him. Just very matter-of-fact, no big deal. If she is clueless, give her an example. Let her know how much you'd appreciate it if she would not be sarcastic. If she wants to know if your husband doesn't like her, just say he likes her fine - just that her sarcasm is annoying. Keep it very "no big deal."
I typically like to let people work their own stuff out. In this case, I would say something. I would try to find out from him what the real issue is, why it really bothered him. If he would truly rather not be around her than to talk it out, then I would facilitate some sort of...something...between them, because no contact at all is simply not an option.
I would explain to him her humor. I would explain to her that her humor kinda hit him between the eyes. They would move forward with the knowledge that this is how she is and this is how he is...and they would figure it out. It might mean that there is an actual fight between them before it gets better, but they have to work it out if you are okay with the two of them having an independent relationship. (Not totally independent...she is YOUR friend, right?) Hopefully, it won't get ugly.
i dont think you should speak to her unless most people would find it offensive. it wouldve helped if you included the comments.
if it was J. sarcasm and shes a sarcastic person you cant tell her not to be herself to satisfy your husband
if it was a rude comment and not sarcastic you can say somethig gently
but i'd J. keep the friendship to myself and look for another couple to hang out with
i wouldnt want to risk losing a long time friend because she's not my husbands cup of tea
Since you have been good friends for a long time, I would just be honest with her. Tell her just like you told us - whatever it was she did that day really got under his skin and he doesn't like sarcasm and that you'd like for the four of you to hang out, but you doubt hubby will go for it if she directs sarcastic, snarky remarks his way. Just ask her to tone it down a bit.
Then, beg hubby to do that double date and hopefully she will behave and you can put this behind you and have a couple to go out with!
She's an adult, he's an adult. If he has a problem with something she said, he needs to talk to her about it.
I think you should talk to her about it, but instead of saying "My husband doesn't appreciate the sarcasm," or "My husband was offended by what you said," you should say "I don't appreciate it when you say rude or sarcastic things about my husband, and I'd like for you to stop doing that. I think it's out of line. I would never talk about your husband that way."
She's your friend, and he is your husband, therefore it is up to YOU to set the boundary and make your needs clear. You shouldn't expect your husband to say something (he won't want to upset you).
I agree with LilyM. Try to tell her without making your hubby look overly sensitive. Also, PLEASE if you do tell her, tell her to not call him out on it!
