Pre-teen Drama Driving Me CRAZY

Is there something wrong with sending time with him watching him to do his homework? It may be he needs help or is too shy to ask.I wouldn't take him saying you can watch him as a bogus answer i try to watch all my 4 do theirs when i can

Ugh! I hated that stage and am so thankful my 13 year old just got out of it.

Yay for you for taking away privileges. I would take away spring sports, too. If that has no effect, tie his June grades to participation in fall sports. At the high school I teach at, all athletes must have a 2.0 GPA for spring semester to play Fall sports. There are a lot of very unhappy athletes in August when they realize their bad case of spring fever in May cut them from the football or soccer team.

As for your son's flip comment about watching him do his homework. Agree to this! Homework is done at the kitchen table, you sit there next to him, you check it and if it doesn't pass your inspection, he does it again. If that doesn't work, go to school with him (if you can pull it off time-wise)! I had a parent do this (in high school) and it took one day of this for the student to rediscover the virtue of responsibility.

Another tack is to start pounding the economics of school success. Right now we're in a really awful economy. There are tons of applicants for every job. Is a boss going to hire someone who is lazy, irresponsible and makes excuses? Is a boss going to hire someone with average grades? NO. Ask him if he were a boss, would he hire him? Have him spell out why or why not. (Amazingly, 7-12th graders are very honest when answering this question.) What does he want to do with his life (other than pro sports)? Would he be able to get in to college/graduate school/get hired with this attitude? If he's as smart as you say, he'll catch on.

You can also try extra chores. I'm a big fan of character re-development with garden gloves or a toothbrush. I told my kids that if they had time to be lazy, irresponsible and make lame excuses, they had plenty of time to weed our 1/4 acre or scrub tile grout with a toothbrush. I had a smashing yard and gorgeous bathrooms for a while there. Again, if he's as smart as you say, he'll catch on after the first ten bags of weeds or one our with a toothbrush.

In the meantime, pound home your message relentlessly and hang on for a very tough ride. Maturity will solve a lot of these issues, but only if you hold firm to your expectations. I've done this with both my sons (13 and 17) and they thank me for it. It was not a fun time to be mom, but it was worth it.

Good luck.

The kids are getting tired of school, the test practices, and each other at this time of year. Three more weeks till break and I can't wait!

I apologize if this comes across wrong.

You asked him what you can do to help and he gave you a specific answer. Be thrilled he didn't say "I don't know" - THAT would be a bogus answer. It sounds like your angry about that because it's not what you wanted to hear. This new attitude of his interrupted the normal flow of your family and you were looking for "quick fix" - the answer that restores the status quo. Ummm...interrupting the flow of life is what kids do to us parents at every age and every stage. It could be his hormones or something else. Clearly, you have done all the negative attention stuff by taking everything away. Try the reverse and give positive attention. Do something...sit down with him and pay the bills while he does homework or just check it when he is done. And don't get mad when me makes a simple mistake like 2x3=5 (I just tell my daughter to check her answer and she will catch it.) Does his school use schoolloop or does he have an organizer that he writes it down in? My kids use both and I fully utilize it to keep on top of stuff.

Whatever the cause of his new attitude is will be addressed and adjusted to over time. I hope it is a positive change to your relationship.

It sounds like he's just being a kid with the laziness and irresponsibility. The one thing I do with my granddaughter, who has a problem accepting responsibility for her own behavior, is when we are talking about something she may have gotten in trouble for at school (which is when she is likely to say it was someone else talking, not her) I do not allow her to talk about anyone else when she is telling me what happened. She can only talk about what SHE did; it is not my concern what someone else may have done. I also make her say to me "I was talking" which is very hard for her to do, and I have to coax it out of her, but she has to learn to accept responsibility and I have to teach her to do that.

he's being a kid-but when he says to watch him do his homework-say"ok-maybe I'll learn something". Call his bluff. Did he meet someone over the break?

My have her stages like that too. I agree with other mom that they can get overwhelm with all the things they do. Mine is a good student, goes to volleyball, after school club, has shores and like to look pretty. I can understand why sometimes she feels like she can't with so much and of course they feel they can let it all out with us because they know deep inside that we will forgive them no matter what. Also they have a hard time finding their place, they are not kids anymore but they are not grown ups either and for them and for us is very frustrating this in-between.
I am reading "How to hug a porcupine. Negotiating the prickly points of the tween years".
I can't really recommended yet because I just started but is good so far.
Hold on there!!

Your son's behavior is not abnormal but because it sounds like he changed so quickly, I'd be concerned. Sometimes a change in friends, drug use or a traumatic event can cause behavior issues like that. Or maybe his hormones just kicked in.

I like the book, "How to talk so your teens will listen and listen so your teens will talk". You may be able to get a discussion going so you can find what is causing his irresponsibility and know how to respond.

C., As the moter of 5 and now the grandmother of several I have to tell you that he is just being a kid. Boys at that age are making the many body changes and emotional changes that girls do and somehow they are expected to be mocho about it. He is experianceing so many things that he just doesn't have words to use to talk about it. I have 3 sons, and 2 girls. I learned at about that age my boys all real jocks started showering more and wanting to be a bit cooler-- my husband rolled his eyes and said "girls". So my husband got out the movie Bambi and we all talked about being" twitterpated" and they shared the questions they had about the odd feelings insideof them. Beileve me he may be as confused by his changes as you are! Good Luck and remember that parenthood has a surprise and thrill around ever bend and cornor and you ae entering the "Tween Years".

Hi C.,

Drastic changes are a signal, get him a physical exam to make sure he's in good physical and mental health. Tell his doc about what's been happening. The doc may recommend counseling (family and one on one) If all that checks out, let him know if his grades are bad and he dose not do the chores you ask, AND be a part of the family that he will pay the consequences such as you describe. No tv, no phone, no games, no nothing. I believe if you and dad are consistent, your son will snap out of it. You sound like a pretty good mom to me.

Blessings.....

I hate to make light of your predicament, but that is my 12 year old son for the past 5 years! lol.

He is just NOW starting (in fits and starts, herky jerky with no rhyme or reason) to step up and act responsible for himself and his responsibilities. Be grateful your son has done so well up till now, and realize that he is going through hormonal changes just like girls do. Maybe he is having a tough time in a social situation at school. Could he have a crush on a girl that ignores him, or worse yet, likes one of his friends? Since he has always been so responsible, maybe he is suddenly feeling the magnitude of being responsible for himself and maybe he is scared by that. Maybe it's hitting him that in another few months he'll be another step closer to high school, then college and an adult. Maybe he is "regressing" because he doesn't feel ready to face all that.
And sometimes, kids get teased FOR being the mature responsible "good" kid. Maybe he doesn't want to be 'that' kid anymore.
There could be a million things. Even the scary thought that he could be experimenting with illegal substances (or legal ones). It doesn't sound like he is withdrawn, so probably not. But, to some degree, quizzing him about it isn't going to help. He may not even consciously know himself what is tripping him up.

They think they are grown one minute, and the next they are like little boys all over again.
Maybe slip in a few extra hugs for no particular reason here and there. My son never SAYS anything when I do that, but I can tell he likes it and feels reassured that whatever happens, it is going to be okay.

<<HUGS>>