Any step parents with some feedback about what a 17 year old should be doing in the house by way of chores?
I ask my step daughter to go nothing,again nothing except clean up after herself...... I never go into her room I leave that to her dad but even her room is a challenge for her to keep clean ......
She has no chores and has to be told to do things, never shows any initiative around doing anything that does not directly benefit her, and even when her father asks her to do things she never does them or has to reminded to the point where he just ends up doing it himself.......or expects me to do things that his seventeen yr old should be helping with seeing that I have two very demanding young ones.
I am not even interested in her doing anything in the home although it does irritate me that she doesn't but my husband and her act like asking her to clean up after herself is being too harsh and have made me into the wicked step mother.......so it would be nice to know what other kids this age do in their homes to contribute to the smooth running of the home.
She is very rude to me and in my opinion I never spoke to my father the way she speaks to my husband, he says that's how teenagers are and she is actually better than most teens these days,
I literally would cross the street if I see her coming down the road which is why I won't even get into the business of asking her to do anything in the house but I draw the line at her messing up the home and expecting me to clean it up or not say anything about it....
This is a female child and she does very well at school....
I was a stepchild myself and I did everything I mean everything in the home including caring for my half siblings so I am not of the school of thought that because her mom died very sad as that is, she gets to use that as a crutch for life.
Maybe she is depressed.. have you ever considered this ? I'd be if I had to live with someone who blamed me for everything and never seemed to find an ounce of sympathy.. you are every step kids nightmare..
I've gone through and read all of your posts.
Your first post was about your kids not dropping everything and running to you when you got home. What I gather from all of this is that this girl doesn't worship you. You have a worship complex (i.e. narcissistic) and need to be in control and adored. It's not going to happen if you don't give the same out.
I have a 17 year old boy (next month). His room is messy but not bad. He has chores and is responsible for himself and his brother's when his father and I are not around. He is a licensed driver and now on the honor roll for school (couldn't say that his freshman year). He is a junior and is already during university campus tours.
We had problems. Serious problems 3 years ago. We got help. Please get help. Your children deserve better. You deserve better. Your husband deserves better. For your sake and your sanity, please get help.
Please listen to Wild Woman's post. Family counseling, immediately, and that means you too. It sounds as if your husband is overcompensating for her mom's death by letting her get away with things, and family counseling can help with that. There is also the chance--more than a chance, it seems likely-- that she resents you and his new family replacing her mom, and that's the source of her backtalk and me-only attitude. It is not an excuse, but it IS an explanation, and you're the adult here -- and adults step back from their emotions when a kid is involved, and look for explanations, and then think about how to fix things.
You too need a third party professional who can work with you on why you are so resentful of her that you "literally would cross the street if I see her coming down the road" -- that is a reaction that's extremely strong for lack of chores and rudeness. Rudeness, her dad needs to work on, hard. Chores can be worked on with a regular schedule, a written chart of who does what each week (including you and dad and your own chores as well as hers) and sensible discipline when chores aren't done.
But your extreme reaction indicates there is much more in your anger at her than JUST chores or even rudeness. It sounds as if you want her out of the way because she's interfering with your own family of husband, your kids with him, and you.
If you want to keep your marriage, and not have your husband resent you for your dislike of his daughter, then please get family counseling ASAP. Do it for yourself and your marriage, even if you won't do it to help out a teen who seems to need some help. Your husband needs to do it so he gets a spine where she's concerned, and stops doing his daughter the disservice of letting her be rude to both him and to you.
By the way, do you and/or dad praise her for doing well in school? Start finding some good in what she does do well, and maybe she'll want to do more to please you and be part of the family. It's something to bring up in counseling.
I agree with those who said you all need to do Family Therapy. This is a parenting issue and you are also at fault (not just your husband, but yes, he is too). You know, some teens are like this. You and your husband need to learn parenting as a team. Your step-daughter needs to learn taking responsibility for her own behavior. Therapy will work with all of you on this. Some kids, regardless of having a deceased parent, are like this. One of my best friends in high school had both parents and a happy home and she acted like this around the house. She did nothing and was very mean to her mom. After she became an adult, got married and had two daughters she and her mom are now best friends. She admits she was a jerk when she was a teen. PS - She is a kid. I find it extremely troubling how much you hate her. I really hope you go to therapy to work on yourself as well. Good luck.
Wait. You don't ask her to do anything and she has no assigned chores. But you're annoyed that she doesn't do anything. Well, of course she's not going to do anything. Honestly, what kid would voluntarily take on chores?
If you want her to do things around the house, first you and your husband need to get on the same page. I don't know how you've approached this with him. Have you sat down with him and calmly explained that you need help around the house and why? Or have you just b*tched about how she doesn't do anything? Then you need to get on the same page about what household things she should do to be helpful to you. Then you need to directly tell her, and be very specific about what you want/expect her to do. E.g., if you use dishes, put them in the dishwasher... dirty laundry needs to be put in the hamper... etc. There should be some appropriate consequences if she DOESN'T take care of her responsibilities. Deduction of allowance? Taking away her phone for a period of time? You and your husband need to be on the same page about that too. And then be as specific and clear with her as you were about the things she's expected to do. If you can't get on the same page then I agree with the other comments that counseling is in order.
Is it just the chores issues that make you want to "cross the street if you see her coming"? Or is it more than that? That should be discussed in therapy too.
You don't say when her mother died. If it was recently, she is probably still grieving. That doesn't mean that she gets to be a slacker, but it needs to be taken into consideration because grief is real. No matter when it was, did she/has she gotten any grief counseling? She could also be experiencing depression, which is also very real and should not be dismissed or blown off. Therapy, at least an assessment, is in order.
Also you don't say how long you've been married. It's pretty typical for kids (of all ages) to react negatively to a remarriage. Especially if the other parent has died. "No one is going to replace my mother!" And if suddenly she's got two little siblings.... it's a lot for a kid to adjust to at once.
I was a stepparent for 5 years so I know how challenging it can be. It takes a lot of patience and empathy and constant communication. Best of luck to you.
obviously the lazy spoiled brat should get over her grief and depression, be grateful she's got a stepmother who asks her to do 'nothing' and be a willing servant.
@@
khairete
S.
It doesn't matter what other teens do. This is completely about your husband and his parenting style, which clashes with your parenting style. I assume you knew his parenting style before you married. Did you think you could change him? Because if so, that was a mistake - you can't change someone who thinks things are just fine as they are - you know this because you've brought it up to him and he tells you he thinks her behavior is fine.
You say that you draw the line at her messing up your home and expecting you to clean it up. Well, then ask your husband to clean up after her. Because this is all about him (and you), not her.
Why does she not have chores? Do your two younger children have chores? Are the expectations the same for all the children in the household?
Your marriage is in deep do-do. You're angry at her and your husband. You need help. You are blaming everyone here but yourself. Are you perfect? I don't think so.
Please get counseling.
This has nothing to do with her mothers death. This is about the lack of communicating between you and your husband and step daughter.
Your last post indicates that your husband is out of town quite often....so how often is he around to parent?
If you are the parent who is usually home, your husband needs to support your authority. But you and hubby need to have clear, defined and reasonable rules/expectations of all the children living at home.
You need to have a serious talk with your husband, maybe even with a neutral third party such as a therapist (or even her school counselor) so that you all can be on same page.
But she is almost an adult so any attempts to change this dynamic might be too late.
My kids (18 and 13) do very little around the house. Occasionally, I'll ask them to empty the dishwasher (a 2 minute task) or empty the bathroom trash cans (less than 1 minute) but other than that I want them to focus on their grades and their activities. My 18 yo in now in college but they are just busy between school and theatre.
I also help keep their rooms neat. If I spend 5 minutes a day picking up laundry, putting away laundry etc my house is just much more peaceful. I hate a mess and like things to be organized.
Messy rooms seem to be the norm among teenagers (although I was always on the neat side). I think it comes down to picking your battles. Also, as long as I keep up with it, it really doesn't take me long at all to keep a neat clean house. (My downstairs is always presentable and company ready. When the girls were young I had two big wicker toy boxes. All their toys could be thrown in there in a minute. I also had a playdoe bin, legos bin etc. that I kept in the garage. In the kitchen I clean as I go. I try to keep clutter to a minimum which makes cleaning and straightening up much easier.
If your husband expects you to clean up after her if she refuses to do what even he asks her you already have your answer to that problem. You are their designated servant.
If you don't like it then I suggest you leave it. Simply walk past her mess and don't even touch it. Will your house become a pit? Probably but hubby and her made this mess.
For instance. Our girl is supposed to help with trash and do the litter box, food, and water for the pets. Obviously if the litter box is full it must be cleaned for the health and safety of the pets. If their food bowl is empty or water bowl is empty their lives are in danger. So we don't let it get that far. BUT what "I" do is tell my husband this "If you won't tell her to get in here and do her chores then you can do them for her" and I refuse to do them. If she takes every dish in the kitchen in her room and they grow alien creatures he is the one that has to go in there and gather them up. He has to do her chores for her if she doesn't do them.
Why am I so mean to him? She flat out doesn't do a thing I ask. But if he says the same exact sentence to her she jumps up and goes to do it. She's 13 and loves her grandpa.
I am tired of taking on her chores too. She is busy and is hardly home between dance and sports and acting and music and church. She's almost a straight A student and a good kid but she hates doing "chores".
So I suggest you tell your husband flat out that you are no longer going to pick up after her and that if he doesn't like what happens to the house then he can get up and go clean up after her.
Then you need to get some friends or develop a hobby or get a part time job that is from 4-8, 9, or 10 so that you are out of the house in the evenings. You need to be able to go out and be in society learning something and helping yourself grow as a person.
He needs to stand up to his daughter and make her a decent person or he needs to do it for her.
Hubby has an alternative option. He can hire someone to come in a couple of days per week for 2 hours to clean the main part of the house so that her messes and everyone else's messes are no one's job.
If he refuses and she refuses then you could just move into a small one bedroom apartment until she's out of the house then you and hubby could do some therapy and get the anger worked out.
You deserve to be respected and loved in your own home.
