Can You Teach a Man How to Take Care of himself...or What?

If you go back to work, make it clear to husband that you will be hiring house cleaners and food services. And he should not be talking to you that way, especially around the kids, so I agree that you should insist on counseling or whatever will get him to stop.

Oh my dear! Sweetie, no one should deal with that! I agree with trying to find the man you married again or seperation. I am blessed because my husband comes home after working in the heat and tells me to relax, that I did a lot and he is thankful. I think a switch in roles for a week or so could help if he is willing. When my husband was laid off I went to work, he said he would never doubt how hard SAHM work ever again. Anyone can take care of theirselves, what about just taking care of the kids? No more home cooked meals for hubby unless he treats you better? Good luck dear and I hope things get better!

Sunni,
You have been complaining about how disrespectful your husband and kids have been to you for the past several months. A lot of moms on here have given you some very good advice, none of which you seem to follow.
So what's REALLY going on?
Do you REALLY want things to change or not?
What are YOU doing about it?
As long as you take it, they will continue to dish it out.
I am a firm believer in marriage and family, but if my husband ever called me useless, or tried to manipulate my children against me, he would be the f**k out the door.
I grew up in an abusive household and I have ZERO tolerance for that.
If he wants to work on the marriage, great, but until then, I couldn't live with him if I were you. If you're not sure how to proceed, contact a local women's shelter, they can give you logistic/legal advice.

Wow Sunni. You know, my husband can be an a$$ but he's got nothing on yours. Why do you put up with this? Your prior questions about your older son make perfect sense now - he's learning this from your husband, who learned it from HIS father. This is how they think women should be treated. That cycle must stop.

Seriously, have you considered separation or divorce? Because if I were treated the way you were, I'd think about it every day. Hell it would probably have happened already, because I would have put up with that attitude maybe once, assumed it was just a momentary lapse of reason, and have told him to go to hell the second time.

Was your husband like this when you married him (I would hope not!)? Is there any shred of the decent person you married still in there? Is there any way to connect with that version of your husband and have a heart to heart, or to find that guy again through counseling? Or does he just see you as a servant and enemy now? Is the jerk that he has been over the past years really the person he is?

To answer your question, you can teach a man or a boy anything you would teach a woman or a girl and vice-versa. My husband and I both cook dinner, he's responsible for his own breakfast and lunch, and he can do inside chores as well, and I do outdoor chores like take care of the pool. Both of my 14 year olds (boy and girl) routinely have to mow the lawn, help with big outdoor projects such as opening and closing the pool, power washing, sealing the driveway, weeding, raking leaves and removing snow. Inside the house they routinely have to clean bathrooms (including floors), wash the kitchen floor, vacuum, dust, and wash windows. They make their own breakfasts and lunches and cook dinner when I need them to. I am a wife and mother, not a servant. I get that as a SAHM some of these things seem like they would be your "job" but there's no need for it all to fall to you, and you're not giving your older son the opportunity to learn life skills if you do everything for him.

So yes...you can teach skills...but the real question to me is whether or not your husband's a-hole personality can be fixed.

Oh my gosh . . . your story is troublesome!

I would get to counseling IMMEDIATELY, first for myself and then pull husband in.

Your problem is with your husband. Your boys don't respect you because he doesn't. That would be my guess.

I am so, so sorry. I truly believe you need competent, professional help - immediately - to see if you can turn this situation around at all.

Good luck and God bless.

how to manage your schedule is a far less pressing issue than how to manage your family dynamic. it's so sad to me that not only your husband but your kids are so dismissive and disrespectful of you.
going back to work is a great idea, but if you think your family's going to pull together, i'm afraid it's going to be a disaster. you need to start working on this from the ground up, starting with husband.
no way could i live with someone who treated me this way.
khairete
S.

I am so sorry, you should never be treated that way! Your husband should respect you in front of your kids. Your kids are learning from him and that is why they are acting like him now. He needs to teach them to respect you. I understand your reasoning to go back to work. I would want to in your situation. You get no respect at home for doing all that you do and is so much more then what he does. Your husband would never be able to switch roles with you since he wouldn't be able to handle it. I think first set up a meeting with a marriage counselor and talk about all this. Maybe the counseling with help too before you start working again. Then maybe make a chart of everyone's duties for the week. Everyone is going to need to help out, including your husband. I am not sure how old your kids are and if they are at that age to understand and do chores. They need to be doing chores anyways since they will need to learn to do this when they are on their own (you don't want another wife to deal with what you are going through!). Also, your husband really should find another job with normal hours. If he can't then one day a week he needs to leave at normal hour so that he can get home in time to cook dinner and then on the weekends he needs to cook dinner and help out with the house cleaning and kids. Good luck!

I think that if I were in your shoes, I would have to consider divorcing him after you get your job. At least, I would get a legal separation and not live with him. He would either sink or swim. If you weren't living with him anymore, he would have to reassess his attitude. If he demands joint custody, then I will BET he tells those boys to help out in the house.

I also think that when reality hits when he walks in and you have left, he will want to invest in some marriage counseling. You can decide if you want to try with him or not at that point.

You have a terrible situation here. These boys are going to treat their wives like dirt because their father treats you that way, and you allow it. If you want to continue living like this and stay with him, then you are dooming your daughter-in-laws to this, as well as your being miserable for the rest of your married life.

Get all your ducks in a row, Sunni. Go see a good divorce lawyer and have everything ready. Get all your copies and information and store it somewhere he cannot find it. Make sure you have have your own bank account, money in it, and your own credit card.

Your husband will have to learn how to do all of what you do, or he will realize that you were gold to him and that he f*cked up.

Dawn

#1- You are in an abusive relationship and your kids are just learning to be like him in how they treat you AND future girlfriends/wives. You're a party to this by allowing it to happen.

#2- This is for you and your husband: Being a parent means doing things you don't want to do.... and doing them MOST of the time. It's exhausting to make rules and stick to them. It's exhausting to teach kids to clean up, cook, be respectful, do their homework, accept and fulfill responsibilities, etc. But as a good parent, you suck it up and you do it. Which brings me to #3....

#3 You do the same for your partner, in a sense, as #2. It's not always fun to be someone's partner, but you stick with them. That is what PARTNER means. You support them, you listen, you cry with them, you laugh with them, you struggle through those moves and career shifts, and dynamics, and you carry a load that they can't carry sometimes. BUT you get that in return too. Marriage is about someone being there for you when times get tough- someone to help you and support you NO MATTER WHAT.... but only if it's reciprocated. That can be 10 years down the road, or 50 years down the road.... but that person (barring extreme circumstances like mental illness that they are getting help for) should be able to at the VERY LEAST, be respectful and conscious that the other person is carrying a load for them at that time and being a partner to them. Your husband doesn't sound like he is conscious or appreciative of that- he is NOT being a partner to you right now.

Family counseling and couples' counseling is in order. Barring that, you need to leave and break this cycle. You say you have a 14 yr old who is repeating his patterns already... you have about 4 more years with him under your roof to "undo" this.

Sounds like you hubby needs a hard kick!

You can raise your kids to be self-sufficient and respectful either by (1) getting hubby to model that behavior or by (2) leaving your hubby.

I have found that the more I do, the more is expected of me. On occasion when things have been really busy or my husband fusses at me for not doing such n such. I remind him, I work too. If you want to support our family on just your income, then I can take the time to do all the things you outlined or you can pull your butt off the couch and help or just roll with what is not getting done.
Bottom line, I agree. counseling will be crucial. Yes! You do need to get back to work to re-claim your independence and your personal sense of worth. It will also give you a retort when your hubby acts all pious about meals, etc. because guess what - YOU WORKTOO!
in regards to kiddos and after school - find a college student, family or friend to help out - Pay the family or friend:) Have them pick up the kids, help with HW and have the HW sitting out when you get home. Use your time on the weekends to plan one-on-one activities with your kiddos where you teach them a special meal - call it Cooking with Mom (or something like that). You can pretend you are on a cooking show, have all the ingredients laid out, etc and have fun with your designated kid. then give the other family members score cards or something and they have to rate the meal. At the end of the month give a prize for the best, That way the kids see you as being fun, in control, creative and see the value in preparing meals.
Oh - How can you teach a man to take care of himself? By letting him:) don't do more than you would do for anyone else. When he complains or cries or whines remind him you are not his mom, but his partner and equal and when was the last time he heard you whine about him not fixing your lunch?:)
good luck i wish you the VERY BEST!!!

I am not blaming the victim, but you must take a certain amount of responsibility for enabling your husband. You cannot control your husbands choices but you certainly can control yours.

Most stay at home Mom's have to take a stand at some point. Many men did come from traditionally old fashioned homes and that is what you have created. I cannot address all your concerns but I can give you a few starting tips.

1)Know that no matter whether your husband recognizes it or not you work hard too! He may have long hours, but so do you. 24/7 actually. Your kids and your home are his too and his help (within reason) would be appreciated. So let him know that. Also, when you are not working ask him to compliment your meals and the house. Tell him you miss the positive reinforcement of being appreciated for the work you do. You would like him to fulfill that need for you.
If he balks at that simple request I have to wonder whether he knows how to respect you. There is work to be done.

2)Remind him the children will not be children forever and they need the attention (positive attention) of their father. Ask him if he is willing to come up with ways to be with them on a regular basis. Bathing younger children, driving carpool and helping with homework count just as much as playing baseball or attending a dance recitals.

3)Cook what you like and what is healthy for your family. If your husband does not like it then recommend he take a turn at cooking dinner. Perhaps you can compromise. Cook a little more to his liking, but he must come home in time to make a salad (or something) to help you out. Cooking can get old for some of us and is time consuming. If he can just make one item or help chop veggies it can make a big difference. Explain this to him. Again, if doesn't hear you when you are speaking in a reasonable tone expressing your feelings.... then your problem is more about learning whether he is capable of respecting your feelings.

4)Stop doing it all! You may feel the need to take care of the kids but your husband is a grown up. Stop making his doctor appointments. Don't take his laundry in for him. Don't pack for him before a trip. Blah blah blah. If you enable him to walk all over you why in the world would he change? Hand him a list of at least one or two items every week. A list that spells it out. Example: 1)Call Dr. Smith and set up appt for any morning next week. 2) Pick up milk.

5)Talk to your husband in private and ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. Belittling and minimizing is not acceptable. Tell him how it makes you feel. Don't argue. If he gets nasty then in the calmest voice you can muster say, "I will discuss this with you when you speak to me in a respectful manner. " Don't argue with him. Walk away. In the meantime if he refuses to go to counseling YOU NEED TO GO ALONE FOR COUNSELING.

6)You can't worry about all those details of when you go back to work until you figure out how to achieve a certain amount of respect.

Do you love this man Sunni?

If your husband were asked to give his side of this story, I wonder what it would be. He might admit to a lot of what you say, or he may sound just as bitter and trapped as you do.

There's so much anger in this post. I strongly urge you to seek some counseling before you make any big decisions. If your husband doesn't care to go with you, go by yourself.

People (men and women both) can be taught, if they are interested in learning otherwise the lesson falls on deaf ears.

Good luck to you and yours.
F. B.

Hi Sunni.

My husband is a rock star compared to yours... but he also works long hours and travels quite a bit for work (a week at a time - he's been on 17 trips so far this year).

This summer I was feeling a little nutty and decided to look at my options for going back to work. (my kids are 3, 5 and 7).

I'll quote you for the reasons I stayed home... "who will take care of the kids, who will check the HW? Who will prepare the food for them taking into account all their allergies/intolerances? Who will shop, wash, clean, take care of the small things that I juggle daily? Activities, doctor appointments, therapies, activities, vacation planning, and million other things? "

I know your husband doesn't appreciate you... but you can make changes to make sure your children do. And - what you listed are very important things for making a family run! THey need you!

All the best to you... have a family meeting. Go to a session or two with a family therapist with your list in hand so you can talk things over.

Girl...oh girl...I don't even know where to start...

This situation can only be turned around if BOTH of you want to change...and BOTH of you are willing to make it work!!

If my husband belittled me when I was doing everything I could to make his life good AND when I was on strike to make him see the light...well, I like to think I would go on strike and just stay there...maybe permanently.

My husband and I have discussed how our grandparents on both sides had marriages like what you are describing...our grandfather's were the breadwinners and our grandmothers did everything else and waited on our grandfather's hand and foot. We decided that would not be our marriage.

If you both decided that these were your roles in this marriage and you were both happy with them then great...but it doesn't sound like this is what you signed up for...

I would say start going to counseling for yourself, alone. Because it doesn't sound like he sees anything wrong with the situation. Learn some skills about how to show him how you want to be treated, with respect and with honor that you are due.

It sounds like he is holding you hostage and I believe only a professional...not just us other moms here can give you the advice you really need. I am sending you a HUG!! Go find a person in real life qualified to help you with these issues and get help.

Your kids will not respect you while you allow your husband to disrespect you. You need to tell hubby he either treats you with respect and helps out, or he has to go. Don't make it a fight; tell him very matter-of-factly. Either this changes NOW or we're separating. Period. No compromise.

Here's what you do. When he's home you need to work some extra hours as often as you can. If the kids get sick they call dad. If someone needs to be somewhere dad takes them.

Once you're back working you have to do this or he will expect you to still do everything for him.

I don't know of any couple where this doesn't happen. My friend would volunteer at her kids schools and do a specific reading program (in the classrooms during reading time), sometimes having to stay a couple of hours after school let out (after school program) to help out. That night when she got home hubby would be sitting there with the little kids crying due to being hungry. He would grip about what's for dinner. She finally told him he was their parent too and that if he didn't want to find out what it was like being a single dad he better get up and get busy when he got home at 3pm.

His idea of dinner was Ramaen noodles and a can or corn but it was food. He eventually figured out how to make better meals but he started respecting her more. She figured out when you allow yourself to be a door mat you get walked on.

I suggest you start right now laying down the ground work for this. Tell him that once per week you're going to take the evening off and he is responsible for all the work. If not a weekday evening then he can take all day Saturday or Sunday.

You have to stand up to him and show your kids you deserve respect. Otherwise you are going to have teenagers who are entitled to your being a short order chef that always gets it wrong, a maid to clean their rooms and do their laundry each day, and you'll still be their person who is the least respected.

Uhhhh...your husband sounds like a piece of work. I would not tolerate being treated so rudely especially in front of the kids. Having said that, I have struggled with a simiar situation, minus the blatant rudeness.
My advice, get a job, hire help, and if he continues to be a jerk and won't change, well, it's up to you-live like that or leave.

I would first seek family counseling. I am grateful to not have ever experienced this type of situation, but I would never allow my husband to belittle me, it doesn't matter who we are in front of. You have to make things right with your children. Focus on them.

When you go back to work be sure to hire a cleaning lady once a week. Your kids need to get on a schedule of helping around the house. The way to get your hsuband on board with this is to go away for a few days - maybe a week and let him handle all the stuff that you do. I think the perfect thing would be as you plan for relocation back to your former community you need to go there for a few days to "interview", "house hunt", etc. Don't ask, firmly tell him you're going to do this, and ask him when he can take off a few days to be around for the kids - then do it..

Your husband sounds like a jerk - and I have to say that although we went through some of that when I went from F/T to P/T, my husband somehow realizes how much I do - although he will say things like "If I did that I'd be doing everything around here" when i ask him to do something outside of his normal stuff. But my kids see and realize that most of the home-care gets done by me - and they don't see my husband working. At one point I had a long talk with my husband when we were both in a good mood, and I told him that we need to get the kids to learn responsibility, how to clean and keep their home & rooms neat, etc. So they have age appropriate jobs. The clean the bathrooms, vacuum and use the shark on the kitchen floor, they load and empty the dishwasher, mow the lawn, take care of the garbage, feed the cats, vacuum the living room, etc. Yes they need lots of encouragement and accolades for jobs well done, they need me to instruct them - which takes time. BUT - I no longer ahve to do it all by myself.

If your husband makes a good salary then definitely get help in the house, get groceriers delivered, find others parents to car-pool with and offer to pay for gas or give a giftcard if they end up doing more of the driving, etc. also consider working part-time if that's an option. it never used to be in my line of work but our office now has more than half of the account executives at some level of part-time becuase that's how they can keep good people.

Good luck mama!

Wow - My first response is that you deserve respect from your husband and your children. Jobs is the house need to be shared - you are not the maid. How will your children learn how to take care of their own place when they move out. Also, the relationships you they form at home are examples of how to treat others outside the home.
Maybe go back to work part-time - but these family relationships are going to take time to fix. Not only do your kids need to respect you - your husband needs to show you respect and appreciation.
There will be some jobs that will have to be let go because of time.

"Anybody has any suggestions on how I can raise my kids self sufficient and respecting me?" Answer--kick your husband out! He sounds like a complete ---hole!

You ask if a man can be taught how to take care of himself (and others), and the short answer is "yes," but he has to want to learn.

I am a high school teacher, and during the summer I do everything around the house, and take care of our two boys, but my husband respects me and is thankful for all that I do. In doing so, he has taught our boys to show me respect as well. The boys help me around the house during the summer, and are quite self-sufficient, too.

Every year when school starts, I have a talk with my husband to remind him that I will be very busy, and will need help with everything around the house. He needs that reminder, but then he is incredibly helpful with cleaning house, helping our youngest with homework when needed, taking our youngest to school, etc. We share the responsibilities.

Throughout the year he is a partner in raising our children, playing with them, teaching them, taking them to doctor's appointments, etc.

This is what a respectful marriage looks like, and there are other versions as well. I hope things work out for you and your husband. It is possible.