I have been working part-time, but with the holidays coming up, I take on a new role at work. I go to full-time and answer to different managers, and work is intense and complicated for about 8 weeks. Add to this I'm in my senior year of college, with courses that are work intense. I also have a high-school student involved in a year-long project, laundy, dishes, cooking, cleaning. Add the dark at 4:30 pm, overwhelming bills (as usual) and the death of a close friend this June, and, well...I'm tired, stressed, sensitive, overwhelmed--you know, the usual, right?
I try to do little things for myself, like take a nap or read, come onto the internet for a bit. BUT...no matter what I try, my husband is in my face about not doing "what needs to be done" or "neglecting to help the kids" or "the kitchen floor is dirty"...that routine. He also throws in comments about "when you get a real job and make me some money." I have tried to explain to him--and the kids--that work is really hard right now, that my school work has to get done, and that I NEED their help right now. No one listens, no one cares.
Oh no! I know what it is like to be in school, have a child and work full time! It is not a lot of fun, but worth it in the end. I am so sorry he does not understand that makes it really challenging! I have that support so I am able to do it, it I did not it would be some hard. Hang tight it will all pay off in the end.
Well let him know you noticed that the floor is dirty so he is more than welcome to get in there and mop it, otherwise he will need to wait till you can get to that..
Also If he does not think you are making any money, let him know since it is not helping, he has a choice, you can quit and he can take on a part time job so you can study to graduate and get a better job, or you will keep all of the little bit you make for what YOU feel are the important things.
You do not deserve to be spoken to like this, You do not deserve to be demeaned and your husband needs to understand that you have alot on your plate right now and will have for a while yet, so some things will have to slide unless he can start taking over more of the house work.
I am sending you strength..
.
I know how you feel, B.. Overwhelmed with responsibility and struggling to perform at 110 percent for everyone. I'm sorry your husband is so critical, unhelpful, and frankly, acting like a jerk.
I'm also so sorry you lost your friend; please don't assume nobody cares. Even if it's just writing on this website, getting your feelings out will help you to cope.
Maybe your husband needs to read what you wrote - he should really be pitching in to help out around the house and being there to support you emotionally.
If it's not possible to get his understanding, keep writing here, and I know there are moms who will listen. We care. I care.
Hang in there. You've almost completed college, for pete's sake! How cool is that????
Hugs.
Know this God is watching over you and if you ask for his help he will be there for you.........you are an incredible person!
Ugh! and HUGS!
Not liking your DH right now! Seems like your just venting and I do empathize. My hubby knows that I would ream him a new one if he even dare think of such.
This is usually when I go on "strike" for a week or two. And the house becomes an absolute pit. And dinner is sammies or "make it yourself". And the only laundry that is done is what each person does for themselves.
I picked up the trick from an 1800's book on how to be a good wife and mother. That when children and husband become ungrateful that an "ailment" needs to appear for awhile to remind them of christian charity... and that dinner needs to be boiled hay and tripe, every night.
I think you need to lay it out for your husband like he is a 5-year old. You have 24 hours in the day like he does. Is he going to school? Does he mop the floors on alternate weeks? Does he cook dinner? If not, then he needs to start helping you with that. If he doesn't want to do that, fine (that jerk =), but then he doesn't get to complain. Period. Marriage is a partnership, and it really doesn't matter who makes more money. I make twice what my husband does, but that doesn't mean I get to sit around eating bon-bons and watching Oprah while he serves me hand and foot! We both work full-time, so we work together to keep the house up and do whatever needs to be done for the kids. And the kids have their assigned chores as well! Today my daughters (ages 5 and 8) cleaned the bathrooms - that included scrubbing toilets, countertops, sinks, bathtubs and showers! They put the dirty towels and mats in the laundry basket and swept the floors. Your kids are old enough to do those types of things too. You do not need to bear this burden by yourself! Demand help!
Sending you hugs. Hang in there!!
It seems to me your major significant problem is your husband,
who clearly is not sympathetic to you or to your current situation.
It occurs to me that your active awareness of his coldness
and non-loving nature may have been easier
to ignore/suppress/deny/dismiss when you weren't so overwhelmed
with so many many things on your plate.
Not in any particular order . . .
His remark about the kitchen floor . . .
sounds like he believes that is your responsibility.
It wouldn't occur to him to clean the kitchen floor?
About money . . . he doesn't say make some money for the family,
but "make me some money".
That's especially scary, in my opinion.
It appears he has no concept of all the stuff
you are attempting to take care of.
Is he simply ignorant?
Or is he angry/resentful about other things?
Is he jealous of your college attendance?
Is he in a job where he has no power?
I know you have no time for counseling
but you definitely need some support/validation.
If your job is going to fulltime,
how will you continue your college classes
during this period?
I will probably want to say more after I read some of the other answers.
It sounds to me like you need a partner, not a critic and angry taskmaster.
================================
Assuming he knows how to read,
you might want to consider printing some of these answers out
for him to read. Not all of them.
Some of them might be counterproductive.
Did his mother spend 24/7 taking care of the house and kids
and have no other life, no organizations, no volunteer activities,
no cultural/social activities?
He may believe that that's what wives are supposed to do.
Did he know what you were doing when you started (resumed)
attending college?
Is your only child (at home) the high school student?
From the way you described the situation,
I thought you have responsibility for someone else's HS student.
????
You definitely need strength/support.
If you need to get help from someone other than your husband,
that's just one more topic he'll probably complain about.
In addition to putting some money aside . . . just in case,
you might want to talk to an attorney to protect yourself.
My first response is to tell him that if you don't have a "real" job, that you might as well go ahead and quit. I mean, if that's the way he views it.....
I'm sure that's not possible, but geez! I hate it when people act that way. I don't really have any advice for you, sorry :( Hang in there!
Present your husband and kids with a bill for all the things you do for them. Maid service $80. a day chaufer 2.99 per mile, cook 5. per meal, laundry 3. a load, acct. 20 per hour. And tell your dear husband if he sees something that needs to be done do it himself or shut up. As far as when you start making some real money have it deposited directly into your own acct without his name on it, You then pay 50% and he can pay 50% same as all the other responsiblitys that go along with a marriage,children and running a house. See how much he likes that idea.
Please get some marriage counseling. Your husband is NOT your "boss", but is your co-partner in marriage. Without adding to your burdens you need to let this guy go and find someone who will appreciate all that you are, are doing, and want to do in the future. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this with him. Let him go. P.S. I've been happily married 42 yrs. and know what I'm talking about.
are you kidding me??...sounds like your hubby is an abusive control freak..wow-id be back up in his face letting him know that as a family he needs to pick up some of the slack...this made me real angry when i read it...make him some money?? really?? is he a pimp??..you need to maximize your attitude an spine-quit letting everyone walk all over you...really..the kitchen floor is dirty??..grrrrr..im gonna stop right here....
hey B., you have lots of great advice, get your family involved in the everyday workings of your household including your husband! Let them know how you feel and how they can ALL help. Hugs to you, make sure you are taking some time for yourself!
First - take a deep breath.
You might want to try this:
Call a family meeting. Make a list of chores and assign them to the members of your family. Make sure you explain to them that the next 8 weeks are going to be hard and that you need their help.
Tell them that they all have to pull their weight and then some.
Tell them that there will be no negative comments and then if they start, tell them to stop. If they don't, put your hand up and then simply walk away.
As for making real money - remind him that with a college degree, you can and will be able to make more, but until then, you need to study. And to study, you need help around the house. (I'd get a separate account and drop money in there on a regular basis - $10 or $20 a week if possible - for your rainy day fund. It sounds like you might need one...)
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and soon enough, these long 8 weeks will be done and you'll be that much closer to graduation.
Keep your chin up! You are the Little Engine that Could!
We are all pulling for you!
LBC
you need strength and you need more time in your day and understanding. what a tough situation. I agree with the other mom, Lightly brush off the less important things off your shoulder when comments are made. Ask for a maid and you will have the house clean for your husband. Sounds like your doing all you can, it comes down to the way you respond to help sooth things over with your stress. not an easy task to do. Too me, he can step up and help or hire help. the house is not the most important thing.
can you reach out for help and friends to help get by ?
I'm sorry things are so tough right now. I do understand to an extent what you're going through and hope you can get your family on board to help you.
I totally agree with what Vickie R. said about the kids. Get them on board. They each have one or two chores and they're responsible for their own laundry. At that rate, you won't have as much on your plate at home. I'm not sure how many children you have, but getting that much laundry off your back, they can be responsible for dishes each for half the week, one does floors once a week, one cleans the bathrooms once a week. If you have more than two, add to that.. just to give you a starting point. You can find chore charts online to help you organize their chores for them. Post it on the fridge and they have to sign off on them. Does your highschooler REALLY need your total involvement in this project? He or she is in highschool and at this point should really be learning to be self-sufficient with things like that. Otherwise they're going to get a big shock come time for college. At most, they should only need someone to check over their work, why can't your husband do that? I don't say that as a dig at you as much as I am at him. That would be a simple simple way to be involved and take something off your plate. If he sees something that needs to be done and its not a job for one of the kids, he can get up and do it.
Also, like Vickie said, he is not your boss in any way. Does he work? Why the comments about you making money for him? It sounds like the neglect and lack of support is more on his side of things. I would say marriage counseling would be a good idea for you guys, but it doesn't sound like you have much spare time and it would be hard to fit that in. If you can at all though, that might be a very very good thing to do. What he's doing sounds borderline mentally abusive and that's not okay. He may not intend it to be that way, yet its certainly how its coming off to a total stranger. He of all people, being so worried about money apparently, should realize that when you are done with school that ups your earning potential. He should be supportive of you finishing school!
I hope you can find some relief in all of this.
i'm so sorry! I completely understand!! I am also in school & while I do not work outside of the home, we have 3 children our son has severe cp (non mobile, non verbal, blind, seizure disorder) so I have to manage his care & do everything for him...my husband is constantly tellling me that the house isn't clean enough...I remind him that he has two hands & if anything isn't clean enough for his liking then he can most certainly take care of it!! (going on strike isn't an option for me with young children but it might work for you). also whenever i am feeling like this i sit my husband down & tell him how much i need him to help, this works better than just the i need help in passing or while he is griping. good luck!
You can't change your husband and your children, hopefully they will want to change for you though. Sit down in a family meeting and spell it all out. You need to finish college so you can get a good paying job, you need to work extra time with holidays and you all need to be responsible for the house, not just you. Set up a chore chart and rewards for the kids if they do their part. If your husband doesn't do his, don't do them for him, let them go. If he refuses to do any of it then there isn't much you can do except when he complains about the kitchen floor, hand him a mop and say "thank you for seeing it needs done" Don't let him intimidate you. If he is a yeller then quietly say "I will listen to you when you show respect talking to me" then leave the room. If they aren't willing to help, let it go, don't try to be superwoman and do it all. If the floor doesn't get done it doesn't get done.
I'm sorry but I think your husband needs to be told off. No man should treat his wife or SO like that. To make a comment like "you need to get a real job and make me some money" is extremely rude. What does he do around the house and what kind of job does he have because I'm sorry he sounds like a butt! He def needs to help out.Have you tried talking to him about all of this? Do you have a close friend/ family member you can help you out emotional and maybe watch the kids and help with the house maybe? I'm sorry that's the only suggestion I have and good luck! (Sorry about you loosing your friend also.)
Updated
I'm sorry but I think your husband needs to be told off. No man should treat his wife or SO like that. To make a comment like "you need to get a real job and make me some money" is extremely rude. What does he do around the house and what kind of job does he have because I'm sorry he sounds like a butt! He def needs to help out.Have you tried talking to him about all of this? Do you have a close friend/ family member you can help you out emotional and maybe watch the kids and help with the house maybe? I'm sorry that's the only suggestion I have and good luck! (Sorry about you loosing your friend also.)
Sounds like hubby needs a "to do " list!
Hang in there, it won't last forever (the accelerated job functions) and make sure to get your SLEEP and eat properly! The last thing you need is to get sick.
Quit your job and quit school? Why spread yourself sooooo thin that you have nothing left for yourself or your family. I am all for simplifying. Yes, your husband is being a jerk and doesn't appreciate you. Aside from his opinion, I really think you are going to burn out and wish you had slowed down. When all is said and done and you are an old lady, it won't matter how clean your house was, or what you did for a living. It will matter most to you how your kids turned out. I find that most kids are by nature self-centered. They would benefit from more time with you.
