Need Advice on How to Get Someone into Gear with Life

Sounds like she may have depression which can manifest itself in a chaotic lifestyle, poor judgement, or low motivation for self-betterment.

J.,
You are a good soul to be taking such good care of your friend and her son. You don't report any problems in a 15 yr old boy so something good is happening. Is your home in the district where he wants to go to school? I would register him as living there. the stability of the same friends would do a lot to help him over this hump.
RE: the mom. She may be a youngest child who has always been rescued, she may be depressed or she may have found how easy it is to rely on you. Not a good example for her son. I agree with Laurie. give her a deadline. You can choose June or July, but she needs to have an exit plan. MHMR has mental health services, job corps has job training, unemployment services would provide some safety net and of course, medicaid.
Does the father of the child provide any support? Can the son live with him? Can the mom waitress for the summer? Are you sure she ever applied for the jobs? Does she project competence in an interview? There are groups in Austin that specialize in getting women ready for the workforce. You might call Safeplace for the numbers.
The story about "broken electricity" sounds fishy. There are obligations in a rental property and I can't imagine anyone letting the air go in Austin. She had a complaint against the owner, but if she can't afford a cell phone she can't afford rent. St Vincent De Paul provides rent and utility assistance on temporary basis.
There are groups that help the homeless, she may need to contact them for ideas too.
In the end, this is something that she has to do which she won't do until and unless she has to. It takes 3 weeks for an antidepressant to kick in so plan to have her seen and then if she is medicated, 4 weeks later to leave. Poor soul or con artist or too lazy to help herself? It is hard to make any of those judgments from here, but you have done more than your share.
K.

You are a good friend. It is not your responsibility to take care of her or her family.

You can be concerned and you can be helpful, while she is helping herself, but your priority is your own family.

She is a grown woman in a tight spot. You know what you think she needs to do. You can write it down and discuss it with her. Let her know your limits. This is not being unfriendly or uncaring, it is setting limits for both of you. If it were me. I would say the last day in June was her last day in my house.

You can ask her to write down what exactly is her plan and what exactly is she doing about it or has done about it. If this is not working for her, she needs to consider her options. She needs to write down every option that she has. She needs to look at services for herself and her son. There is no SHAME in going for help. This is exactly what it is there for. Tell her she needs to do this for her son. He needs to learn that things change, but we can survive and we will be stronger by facing all of these changes.

I am sending you all good thoughts and strength.

There is nothing that you can do to kick her into gear. Either she will feel motivated to make something happen for herself...or she won't. Is it possible that you are already doing too much, and she knows that she can lean on you? It's one thing if you see that she is really working hard to get it together. if you don't see it, then you're only making it worse by letting her hard times fall on you. It's not your responsibility to make sure that she does what she's supposed to do.

Has she applied for unemployment benefits? It's definitely time for her to look into living in another area. I understand that it's important to use her training and experience, but her son needs to see that, in the meantime, she will do what it takes to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. You are taking away from her the ability and motivation to do that, by making it too easy. Also, there's a certain amount of self-confidence that comes from learning who you are and what you're capable of through such an experience. If there's always someone there to soften the landing, you never learn what you're made of.

Sounds as if your friend is probably very depressed and it is also possible she's not getting a job because the depression comes through as a lack luster type of attitude during job interviews. With the job market being what it is, lack luster is not what potential employers are looking for - regardless of the reason.

I would check into your church or reach out to a woman's shelter to find some counseling programs for her. There are many that are available at no cost or little cost.

Is is possible for the son to live with his father or other relatives? If your friend is unable to take care of herself, how is she able to take care of her son? If the son can live with other relatives, your friend could move into a woman's shelter and they can help her get back on her feet.

You have a young family that you need to concentrate on - you cannot spend your time trying to heal your friend. Help her find some resources to guide her, help her as you can - but don't neglect your own family by doing so.

Good luck with this - it's a tough one.

First you have to realize that her life is not your responsibility. It sounds like she has had some hard times and I feel for her. But you have a life and a home to keep up and cannot be her support system forever. I know this might sound harsh bc it sounds like I am telling you to have her go live in her car, but again her life choices cannot force you into a co-dependent situation unless you let them. To me it sounds like it is time to give her a date as to when you want her to move out. As you said, she can apply for government assistance, she can sign on with temp agencies, she can work at Target while she looks for better work. I know lots of teachers who get summer jobs in retail to supplement their income and I know teachers who have a really hard time getting a job in their field who do not become homeless. She may need a fire lit under her and she needs to realize that her life and her son are her responsibility. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is give them that little push they need to get going. I know a date to move out seems hard and she may get angry but that is not your responsibility. I mean you can set it for six months from now, it doesn't have to be immediate unless you want it to be. I wish you all the best, I have been in your situation a few times and I know how hard it can be.

Wow. Thats a hard one. You cannot make someone do something they do not want to do.

I think you and she need to sit down and have a look at her options. If she needs assistance and wants to apply for it, then help her do that. As far as the rental, the owner is responsible for fixing anything that is broken, not the renter so she may have a lawsuit against the landlord if she got kicked out because she couldn't get electricity.

Have a sit down with her and help her go over her options. That's all I got.

God Luck to you and her!

You are a godsend to her. But you are even a greater blessing in her life if you can help her be independent. You've heard the saying: Give a man a fish and he will eat for today, Teach a man to fish and he will never go hungry" (I know I got that wrong but that is the jist of the saying.) Is she a member of a church that can help? There is always assistance from the community. Maybe go to your Chamber of Commerce to find organizations that can assist. It sounds like she at least needs to apply for welfare. Keep giving her hugs and smiles as much as you can. Support and encouragement goes a long way. J., you are a true friend to her! Thanks for being there for your friend. It's not easy, but it's worth it- I've been where you are now.

Give her any information you think she needs to find her own help through the government and churches etc. Then extract yourself from the situation as quickly as possible. You cannot fix her problems and you owe it to your children to choose healthy people to be around! It is a hard reality but she really really has to help herself and you cannot fix it....you will only be pulled down with her.

It's good of you to open your home to this person, but maybe she needs some deadline to help her decide to take her job search and life seriously. If she can make enough to live in an area she can afford, she needs to give up on the high school her son "wants to go to" and he should live within the mother's means. Your taking them in does nothing for him being able to "respect" his mother more. Sometimes even though we're well intentioned we prolong someone else's not facing reality by giving them an "out"
Have you asked her what she plans to do?

It's interesting that you say you feel older than she, though you're 10 years younger. I've encountered that attitude from younger siblings who are in their 20's though I'm in my 40's. They had no children, I have 6. Yet in their youth they think they know better what to say or how to manage my children. (Later I've had apologies from some as they faced trials and realized I wasn't doing as bad a job as they thought at first.) Please be careful of this attitude as you are helping these friends. perhaps you have greater wisdom earlier in life that prevents you from going down the same path, but she is the only one who can live her own life...A 15 year old often doesn't feel a lot of respect for his mother at this age any way. This may have little to do with their circumstances.

It sounds like you've done what you can to help and that the mom has the means to support herself. Instead of making decisions for her, she needs to be inspired that she can still do things on her own.

If you guys are Christians I would suggest praying about these things together and stepping back to see what she does next.

Will keep both of you in my prayers.

hi there J. i been there more then once with some of my family.i have let them live with me and my family help them with there bills.but the main thing is she has to want to help her self.make her get on foodstamps to help yall out with food she can also get medcaide for her and her son.because it sure sounds like she needs to see a doctor for deprisson.and im sure her son does look down on her because she cant give him the life he wants as a child.but that is very kind of u to help her out.i wish u the best of luck with that.but tell her to check in on getting some state help childsupport foodstamps inc.housing but yeah u will have to push at her it sounds like for sure.

i do know a lady exactly like you describe although she is ten years older than your lady. if you really want to help you can give her a budget plan. or realize that she isnt going to change this is the way she is and she is an adult that is disfunctional and accept her the way she is. i would not how ever let her borrow money or stay with you. i am tough love like this. she will find a way to get out of her own jam that she is getting herself into. there are lots of training on how to intreview for a job.

Hi J.
Bless you for trying to help this woman. BUT, at 43 years of age and if she has not "caught on to life" by this time she may never. apparently she is educated- so something else is missing in her make up and that is something you cannot replace- no matter how much you help her. Some people just are in that rut and will stay there for a lifetime- it is a "way of life" for them. There are many assistant programs out there and I am sure with her education she knows of them all. but instead, would rather lean on someone as considerate and caring as you for her support.
I would get all the details for housing assistance- take her to make the applications- possibly help her get furniture etc from the Salvation Army or garage sales- etc- introduce her to the local food banks- Almost all communities have a host for Angel Food Ministries where for about $35.00 you can get a lot of food (two weeks worth r more)........and let her live on her own. With a teen ager she needs to accept the responsibility of motherhood and adulthood.
I hope this is not too harsh, but there are some people who you can help into helplessness.
there are jobs- Walmart, hires everyone- at least it is paycheck- maybe not the best place to work- but it pays rent and puts gas in the car and food on the table. If she wants to be a sub teacher- great- she can work the evenings or week ends at another place.
Bless you for trying to help this person- but do not let her drain you emotionally and financially.
Blessings

I admire you for helping your friend and her son out, but your family does not need this quasi adult under your roof!
You may in fact be enabling her to continue to be helpless. Sit down with both of them and say they need to take their lives into their own hands - the only thing you should do for them is give them a contact number or address for a social services person or a shelter. Then tell them they have 1 week to make a change. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to pull themselves up and it is not your job to do so. It may seem harsh, but you really are doing them a favor in the long run.

J.,

Have her try Between Job ministries as well as Texas Workforce Commision. I have found local churches has support groups and work with local affliates for job placement.If she needs food, Angel Food Ministries can help her and you in the interum. Her son needs to get his happy butt out and mow some lawns, yard work dog walking whatever he can do. There is tons of stuff out there that can help her while she is looking. She does not need to give up.

Best of luck to both you and her,
F.

PS she can email me if she likes ____@____.com, I will be glad to help here anyway I can.

I hate to tell you this, but your friend is the only one who can motivate herself. The only thing you can do is decide how much help you are willing to give and when you are going to have to tell her that you are sorry, but you can't help anymore.
There is a saying that you are exactly where you want to be, if not you would do something to change it. Your friend is one of those people who is happy letting other people take care of her rather than having to take care of herself and you are right that her son is probably losing all respect for his mother.
We went through this for a while with my MIL. After a while we figured out that we were hurting her more by allowing her to be this way than we would if we cut her loose. She was initially hurt by the "tough love" approach, but she has gotten her life back together, got her nursing license back, gone back to work, is in the process of buying a house and help her youngest child with college. None of that would have been possible if we hadn't told her that it was time to grow up and be an adult.
The thing to remember no matter how good your intentions, you cannot fix your friend unless she wants to be fixed and then she will be able to ask for specifics where she needs help.

I knew someone very much like this a few years ago. She would bounce from job to job every few months. Could never build up benefits or stability b/c as soon as she decided she didn't like the job, she quit.
She used to talk me into babysitting her kids all the time so she could go look for another job!
This became a huge drain on my family and me. I finally told her "no more."

Someone who is very needy can suck a lot of energy from you. They have a pattern of mishaps and misfortunes that make you feel sorry for them. Often times (not always) when you look at their misfortunes and "bad luck" you can see that it was a result of their bad choices. It is just easier for them to blame others than to correct what is wrong with their lifestyle/ habits.

I would help her define several choices for her and her son's near future and yes, give a deadline by when they need to move out. She may try to guilt you into letting them stay---be prepared. Redefine the boundaries for this relationship and put that new energy, then, into your family. It is a "Tough Love" approach, but sounds like it's time.

J.:

I have a friend that I've know since I was 6 that is about 6 years older than me and she also seems to always have a dark cloud hanging over her head and one problem after another. I have tried to help her over the past 30 years and she got to a point that she became dependent on me and behind my back when she had money spent hers foolishly and with no regard to helping pay me back. My only advise if you want to help her is to get a disposable phone that you can put a few minutes on for her so she can get calls or offer her to use your phone number and take messages for her. I think we good people sometimes get taken advantage of and it is not until we allow those who act like they do not have a clue to figure out their own problems that we really help them. Sometimes peoples problems are too much for us to handle and maybe they need to take it to the man upstairs as her burdens can make you depressed. Sorry she has a kid in her mix much like my friend who would not take advise from me when I would catch her daughters skipping school and hanging around the wrong people when our kids were younger. My friend told me her kids were street smart and she was not concerned needless to say they were not smart enough and each had several kids before the age of 22. Now that one of her daughters died and left 5 kids for my friend to raise, she has more problems than ever. I pray for her but I snapped and realized that she was calling me and not her 12 other siblings which told me she had burned them also. I had to go so far as to not answer my phone as it seemed each time she called she was looking for a hand out. I only give to her when I feel like and I do so cheerfully but sometimes people can make their own beds hard and we can only do so much. God bless you for caring and I hope all works out.

Hi J.,
Sounds like you feel its your job to get this person to understand how life works or should work.Well its not.A person like that as much as you may want to help them can drain you spiritually and mentally.Your young you have your own life to live.Some times you enable a person more by taking them out of situation after situation and they feel oh well i can go stay at so and so house.
Give her a set date by when she has to be out.Have her go live w/her family. Be straight w/her and tell her you have to go apply for public housing so you can have a stable home for your son and yourself.
It's nice that you are helping her but think of your life too.If she has no job or money she'll expect for you to continue to take care of them.
People come in and out of our lives but it doesn't mean that they all have to be a part of our lives permanently.
Sorry if it sounds harsh but sometimes it has to be put the way it is.