First Marriage Appt. What Should I Except?

Take it easy, your husband is intimidating and he sounds more nervous than you are and is now taking it on you. A counselor is simply going to listen to both sides of the story without taking any side to try and establish the root cause of your problems and advise on the way forward. Both of you should be willing to stand corrected if you want your relationship to work. The result will be entirely on how you and your husband are going to handle the advise.
I've never needed counseling but that's basically what I know counselors do!

Hi M.-

My experience with "Marraige Counseling" was through the Reformed Church in which my husband and I got married. I was not nervous until the night/day before. I really did not know what to expect but knew that my soon-to-be husband and I had already hashed out a lot of (what we thought were) the "typical" marraige squabbles. This included money management, jobs/careers, housework - both inside and outside and kids. We thought we were covered...

Then we sat down and met with the Reverend. After the niceties, he informed us we would be taking a test! I nearly freaked. He explained that we would actually be taking the same test and that he would "analyze" our answers for the next meeting. I felt like a deer in headlights. LOL. Then I sat down and took the test and the questions were about things that I thought were silly - who would drive the car the most, which way you wanted the toilet paper roll to unroll, toilet seat up or down... Of course there were a few harder ones involving inlaws, holidays and the topics we had discussed personnally like money. I really thought it was quite funny and was rolling on the floor by the time I was done.

Long story short, while the Reverend picked a few select questions to discuss (including the unrolling TP one), what I learned was to listen when my husband spoke and try to be patient. I grew up in a house of 4 kids and I found that the tendency to finish sentences and thoughts really frustrated my husband. He also learned that one of my coping skills - to flee a situation - was not an end of an argument but rather a cooling down period for me. It helped us recognize strengths and weaknesses in our relationship and learn how to take a process we initiated - open communication - to a new and higher level.

For us, the marriage counseling resolidified our commitment to each other and encouraged us that if we continued along our current path that we would remain happily married in the future. Now, this is not to get all wishy washy or to say that our marriage is all peaches and cream, but we have those coping skills to fall back on. The copies of our tests are a great discussion point too and we can see how we have grown and changed through the last 6 years.

I would take this time as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your soon-to-be husband and your realtionship as a couple. If you truly listen, you may learn something including, as heartbreaking as it might be, that you do not really belong together. Being open-minded is key and if things turn into a "he said/she said" battle than I would have to think twice about the counselor as well as the partner. IMO problems that exist prior to the marriage will generally only intensify and worsen once we accept the burden of marriage (and/or children).

Good luck.
~C.

My husband and I went through marriage counseling for 8 months. I remember the week before our first appointment. we said the same thing, it'll make or break us. Thank God it made us! During those 8 months we grew closer, learned so much about each other and ourselves, and how to communicate better with each other.
In the couples counseling, the therapist advised us that there were reasons for each of us to go to individual therapy, which we both did as well. In the years since the therapy has ended, we have faced and worked through issues and conflicts together in a way that we never could have before, and it continues to bring us closer.
I completely agree that you must both feel comfortable with the counselor. If one of you doesn't after 2 or 3 sessions, move on. If you're not comfortable enough with the counselor then you wont be trusting and honest in the therapy.
Be prepared that issues will come up that will surprise you. But don't be resistant to this,. Go into the counseling with the goal of wanting to learn about yourself and how your partner perceives you. You can't change anyone but yourself, and the best way to influence someone else to want to change, is to show them that you are willing to and can change yourself. So do your best to not get defensive!!!
Another piece of advice, is try not to discuss what was said in counseling at home. Outside of whatever homework or assignments your counselor says to do, just take the time to see yourself through your husband's eyes, and let there be as much peace as possible in between the sessions.
The fact that you both are willing to go into counseling is a big positive in your relationship. Do you know how many couples out there just break up because one partner just isn't willing to go!? So have a lot of hope that your relationship WILL work out because you are both open to being honest with each other, rolling up your sleeves and really doing the hard work, digging past the petty BS and facing the real issues hidden underneath.
I wish you the best, I hope it works out for you and your family.

M.,

I hope you have received something comforting by now; if your husband was worried about issues you were not aware of ahead of time.

Counseling should help you two focus on getting communication going, and other aspects of your relationship that may have stalled.

Good Luck,
M.

In my experience the counselor sides with whomever sought him/her out first. My husband was unhappy with our work and house work situation. The two of them encouraged me to quit my job and follow him to another state. Now I stay at home with the kids. However, the new job was not a good move at all and we are struggling financially without my income. So while, I agree communication and commitment is very important, if you feel pressured, seek counseling for you alone or switch. In hindsight, I would have asked him to see someone else. The upside for me is my husband admitted it was a mistake and I am enjoying the time with the children.

I think somebody already touched on this in one of your responses, but the most important thing that I got out of marriage counseling is that you learn a lot about yourself that you may not have otherwise had the opportunity to do. I think that, in turn, allows you to be a better communicator. Good luck!

I have not participated in marriage counseling, but have participated in individual therapy for body image and am a psychologist who has conducted marriage and family sessions.

The purpose of a counselor is not to mediate your arguments or differences. Counseling involves working together to develop better communication strategies and more fluid problem-solving strategies. For many couples, it is a matter of learning how the other person "listens" and modifying the way in which you communicate.

Your husband is looking for someone to give him a definitive answer regarding your marriage. I hope that he is able to allow the process to unfold. Marriage counseling either works or it doesn't. You will either be more aligned with respect to communication or you won't. Don't expect miracles- it's a lot of work and you both need to be committed to the effort.

Good luck and remember to be honest in the sessions!

A counselor will not tell you whether or not your marriage is salvagable, nor will they give you advice. Counseling is a process and through that process you will discover from eachother what is upsetting you both and hopefully will learn ways to overcome those issues. But be prepared for the discovery that you cannot overcome.

It sounds like there is an imbalance in your home regarding who-does-what. Your counselor may ask each of you to "list" what you do each day and then have the two of you compare your lists to see where there is agreement and disagreement. Your husband may not realize that the "lists" are not balanced and that you are overwhelmed. You have probably told him this many times, but if he wasn't "listening" then he didn't hear it.

You may want to consider a structural or behavioral therapist.

Breathe.

I am a marriage counselor and can tell you that there's nothing to worry about. The 1st session is usually just gathering information about what brings each of you in, what you hope to get out of it and understanding the history of the relationship. Most counselors are going to be looking for and working from a strengths based perspective to help you guys where you're at. It's normally so helpful simply to have that neutral person to help you guys dicipher each other's 'language' and true needs, then help each party define that and meet that for the other. Best wishes, N.

Dear M.,
My husband and I participated in couples' counseling after he broke off our engagement (We're now happily married with a 3-month old daughter). I understand your worry. You wonder if counseling will open some Pandora's box of problems. At least that was what worried me.
While I can't tell you everything will be okay, here's my advice: Make sure you are comfortable with your counselor. It may take more than one visit to decide, but I am convinced that one of the reasons our counseling worked out and our relationship succeeded is because my husband and I found the RIGHT COUNSELOR! How? Well, I'm Catholic and contacted the Archdiocese for a recommendation. They gave me two. One ended up being a perfect match for my husband and me. There are many ways to find a good reference, including social ro religious organizations or good old word of mouth.
Finally, I agree that your issues are deeper than just you doing everything around the house--or else you wouldn't be going to counseling. One thing my husband and I learned is that sometimes, those small disputes can reflect a deeper communication issue with your partner. Don't be afraid to uncover what's really going on. Going for counseling is definitely a leap of faith, but you could come out with a better, more honest relationship as a result.
I hope that everything works out for you and your husband. Good luck and take care!
M.

What you get out of it is what you put into it and how well you can work with your therapist. Your husband is anxious, and who can blame him? This is new territory, soul bearing and the like.
Shop around for someone you like, and relax. Sometimes things get better before they get worse, but remember the two of you are in control of what message you take out of counseling.

a good therapist will make you very comfortable and excited about what you are doing. do not panic, you are doing hte right thing. your fiance is simply nervous.

best of everything.
T.