No Question Here

Tell him he has to clean up after himself and his older daughter, since he loves her so much.

Good luck.

i'm not sure what to do with someone so uninterested in their own situation that they can't even write their own question.
the issue is less about the 'disgusting' step-daughter than a marriage where communication, working together and mutual respect is this sadly lacking.
the losers here are the younger kids.
khairete
S.

So you copied some stupid question that sort of sounds like your life instead of say, asking about your actual life and we are supposed to sort out what your life looks like based on some three year old question you found online?

If this is how you generally communicate then communication is your problem! I highly doubt you are hearing what he is saying and I doubt you are saying what you really mean. Find someone to help you with that and see if things work out.

Oh, thanks for the message, so you are saying that your step daughter moved in with you in 2011 which is 1 or 2 years ago depending on whether you read the title or you question? Sorry, clearly you are amazing at communicating your needs!! Carry on
___________________
Oh lovely, nooo no troll here. This precise moment she suddenly decided to leave, had a place to go, whatever and your husband finally realized she was a problem? Seriously?. I kind of feel icky pasting the original question since very little of the original post was actually written by this troll, still, if you are curious....

22 Year Old Step-Daughter, That Moved in with Us JUST A BOUT A 1 Year Ago
Basically I saw this exact question online , and thought wow this is my situation as well the only difference is that we have a daughter that is 5 and a son that is 11 ... and the horrible 22 yr old SD.

22 Year Old Step-Daughter, that moved in with us over 2 years ago???
My 22 yr old step-daughter asked my husband if she could move in with us in April of 2011, of course my husband said yes. But the agreement was she had to finish her education. I was so excited to finally have another woman in the house......not...
I can not believe what a pig she is.....disgusting...

Every time I bring it up to my husband he gets mad....so I have just stop saying anything....
but now its just out of control....she comes & goes as she pleases, pays no rent, does no house cleaning, she basically just treats our home like a motel, sleep, shower and keep her things in...
I am sick of it!!!
Yes she works, but she blows it as fast as she makes it...still not enrolled in school, doesnt tell us if she will be home or not, and doesnt have the courtesy to let us know, so we dont worry?
What do I do???
Please help ASAP??????
22 Year Old Step-Daughter, that moved in with us over 2 years ago???
My 22 yr old step-daughter asked my husband if she could move in with us in April of 2011, of course my husband said yes. But the agreement was she had to finish her education. I was so excited to finally have another woman in the house......not...
I can not believe what a pig she is.....disgusting...
Every time I bring it up to my husband he gets mad....so I have just stop saying anything....
but now its just out of control....she comes & goes as she pleases, pays no rent, does no house cleaning, she basically just treats our home like a motel, sleep, shower and keep her things in...
I am sick of it!!!
Yes she works, but she blows it as fast as she makes it...still not enrolled in school, doesnt tell us if she will be home or not, and doesnt have the courtesy to let us know, so we dont worry?
What do I do???
Please help ASAP??????
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
I need help , im not sure what to do , he was so upset that he tells me that if his daughter goes so does he...
WHAT SHOULD I DO? he obviously doesn't respect me or my kids. RIGHT?
Yes he is the father to my two kids

He says if his daughter goes then he goes too?

PERFECT!

Call his bluff.

Pack up her stuff and a bag for him too.

After they go, change the locks, and have a margarita!

Additional:

Ok!
Change the locks now and it's margarita time!
You and hubby still need to work on your marriage.
That's your next project!

If my husband told me that if his daughter goes so does he... I would say bye bye.

Your problem is with your hubby. Personally, she is 22. She doesn't have to give you a blow by blow on her comings and goings. However, if she is not respecting the house rules and not doing her share of cleaning, then you have a reason to complain. I would not clean up after a grown woman.

I would also say to my husband, "honey, I know that I have complained about SD. It bothers me that she doesn't respect my rules and it bothers me that you made the threat of leaving. If you say it again, you better be ready to follow through because that isn't going to work again. We should be a team. I will not complain about this any more. However, I am putting you on notice that I will NOT clean up after her nor will I prepare any meals for her. She is a grown woman and as such she can purchase her own food, prepare her own food. If you don't want to charge her for rent, that is your decision; however, again, I will not clean, cook or shop for her. She is on her own. And again, don't ever threaten me with leaving. If you are going to leave, then leave. If not, be present and engage."

Or something along those lines. You can't control a 22 year old when her father isn't on the same page as you. What you can control is your reaction and participation in this hot mess.

Your post was hard to follow but "he was so upset that he tells me that if his daughter goes so does he... " - so let him go.

You couldn't just describe your own life?

If your situation is so similar to the one you copied, why didn't you just read the advice the other mom received? Did you really expect us to come up with some magically different answers years later?

If you can find a copy in the library, read Delores Curran's book, "Traits of a Healthy Family." It's an older book, but the information is timeless. You might be able to get it on Amazon, if the library doesn't have it.

Healthy families have a sense of shared responsibility. They understand that their actions affect the rest of the family. Healthy families also show respect for one another and learn to work through differences and learn to compromise. Sounds like your family has a lot of work to do in these areas.

You call your step-daughter "horrible." Your husband threatens to leave you and the younger, dependent children if you force the issue of step-daughter moving out. With that level of anger and resentment currently in your household, it's kind of hard to get down to the issues and the work that needs to be done. You (all of you) really need some help. Individual, couples, family therapy. I don't know any other way.

Your younger two children are watching all of this. What do you think it's doing to them? You and your husband need to learn to communicate respectfully with one another and get on the same page. Really, get some help. There's no magic list we can give you to make this all better. Sorry.

J. F.

Added after SWH: I understand now. So this problem of either 4 years, 2 years, or 1 year (I guess we're supposed to take our pick?) has MAGICALLY resolved in 2 days since you wrote about it here? Troll, troll, troll...

Original:
Honestly, I don't know which one of you is worse - you, her, or your husband. The names you call her show how much you can't stand her. Her disrespect for mooching off of you is awful. Her father is an enabler of her disrespect and teaches her nothing about becoming an independent woman. I suspect that your husband is so irritated with you that he would like for you to leave. Maybe you should so that the house would blow up and he would have to clean it himself or ask her to.

I have no advice. I think all 3 of you are a lost cause. And why you use another article to describe part of your life is beyond me. A year, two years, since 2011... You seem unhinged.

I don't quite follow ... what part of this situation is yours and what comes from another question? Maybe I haven't had enough coffee yet this morning ...

If your husband does not have any control over his daughter or doesn't care (thinks it's ok) then the problem you have is not just with the stepdaughter but more so with your husband.

Problems are to be expected with children - it's hard raising kids. At 22, she's not so much a kid, but your husband still has to parent her and as long as in your house, rules must be followed.

You and your husband must come up with those rules and terms. TOGETHER. And enforce them together. I don't know what your relationship is with her (sounds awful) but this is between you and your husband.

Sounds like he is not interested in what you are saying, and will choose her over you. Sounds like a really rocky marriage.

The issue to me would be my husband doesn't care what I think or what I feel. That's bigger than this messy 22 year old. She'll move out eventually and make her own way. You're stuck with this man who's disrespecting you.

I would get counselling if it were me. Doesn't sound like you guys can sort this out on your own.

Good luck :)

"Honey, DD is trashing our home. I feel very upset that she leaves these messes for me to clean up, and I feel unsupported that you don't listen to me and get mad at me for being upset about this. I care about DD, but I am your wife and don't deserve this treatment. This is our home, not a hotel. I am worried for DD's future, since she is an adult but has no responsibilities. What can we do to fix this? This can't go on, so we need to come to an agreement and make a plan."

If he refuses to do anything? You have bigger problems than DD.

ETA: You came back and removed your unintelligable commentary on a cut and paste from 5 years ago and are criticizing OUR responses? Really? If this is how you communicate, Julie S is right.

Honestly, I don't think this is real. Who posts a question about a chronic relationship issue and has resolution for the entire situation in less than 24 hours? I don't believe it for a second.

Ok....not sure the timeline here but....
Her issues become his issues.
Ignore her filth.
Let him deal.
Have you tried a chore list for ALL kids?
Looks like you either deal with it or get a divorce.

Is he the father or the 5 and 11 year olds?

When you ask a question to strangers giving only your side of the story you get what you get. Obviously you gleaned something that you used to cause sd to move out. Hopefully your household will be calmer and life will be good.

Sounds like you need to talk when things are calm. I'd have a list of key points you want to talk about when you're both calm. Say, "Look, we both know SD has so much potential, but she's not acting like the adult she is while living in our home. Can we work out a strategy together for helping her transition into adulthood, so she learns more responsibility? Having chores, like we expect from our other kids, and paying rent could make a real difference, don't you think?"

I think that approach will go over much better than a critique of what she's not doing well. Clearly, you're dealing with a spoiled brat, but the second you focus on that, you're going to lose him, based on what you've shared.

If he's not willing to listen to you in a calm discussion, then give real thought as to whether having him leave with her is a bad thing. Respect is essential to any marriage.

This is kind of repetitive - I think you pressed "post" more than once.

But your problem is not your stepdaughter. Your problem is your husband. You didn't agree on the ground rules or the consequences beforehand, or if you did, you aren't sticking together on this now.

He's handicapping his daughter - she has no life skills. Is it possible she wanted to live with you because either her mother kicked her out or because she didn't like the rules at Mom's or at a roommate's house?

I think you can give a 22 year old a certain amount of freedom - if they have lived on their own, curfews seem ridiculous to them. Our son is living with us temporarily between apartments, and we have a deal that he can do what he wants but just tell us roughly what his plans are. We don't tell him what time to come home or whether he can stay overnight with someone else. He extends basic courtesy, and he helps financially (sometimes it's rent, sometimes he takes on a particular bill or expense). We don't nickel and dime about what's in the fridge or whether he uses our toothpaste or laundry detergent - it's not that precise. But he's more than generous/fair and he appreciates what we offer him.

His room is his own and he pretty much keeps his door shut, which is fine with us. He does his own laundry although we are all very cooperative - if he has half a load, he tells us he has room and asks if we want to throw anything in. We do the same with him. He cleans up, he shares in the dishes, etc.

But we have a cooperative and loving relationship, and my husband and I are on the same page. I also have 2 stepdaughters from my husband's previous marriage so I understand the demands of step-motherhood. So it's with the experience of parenting and step-parenting that I tell you your biggest problem is your relationship with your husband. Anyone who threatens to leave you and the younger kids if his daughter doesn't have to be a grown-up is really lacking in maturity and backbone.

Marriage counseling or separation/divorce are your only options. Obviously, start with the first one.

If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen, my grandma always says. You know, sometimes when you ask for advice sometimes you're going to advice you don't agree with. That's what online forums are like, especially parenting ones. No need to go of in a snit if you don't like something, especially if the only way you can describe your situation is to use someone else's post. Sometimes we need to grow a backbone.

There is nothing you can do if your husband doesn't back you. It sounds like you will either have to put up with it or leave your husband.

You can try to ignore her and focus on your own life and wait till she moves out, because that sounds like your only option. Since you have other kids with your husband, I think you should just focus on them and ignore your SD. I don't know why you are worrying about her when she's out.

It sounds to me like the "issues" you have presented are only yours and not your husbands. If he has no problem with her coming and going as she pleases, not paying for anything and living in your home like a pig then what will you do?

Your husband has made it very clear that he prefers to keep his daughter content over you.

You can choose to continue to live as is or you can take action. Let your husband know that in your house you expect the house to be a certain level of clean and neat. If SD is going to leave her clothes laying around you will give her only 1 warning about picking them up or they get thrown out then follow through.

You have to figure out how to come to some kind of agreement with your husband. If you can't get that then you may need to let him and her go and find your own place where you can have peace of mind and they can have each other.

It sounds like maybe rather then him having no respect for you and your other children (your bio children) it is you who are resentful and have no respect for his relationship with his daughter (your step daughter). She is an adult, she should be allowed to come and go as she pleases. If he wants her to pay bills or go to school to earn her spot in the home then he will agree to that, but if not she is still his child and if he wants to help her out then you should support that. If she was your bio child would you want her out on her butt?

I am guessing that if she basically just sleeps and showers there that the amount of mess she makes is minimal? If she is leaving a mess in the kitchen or bathroom that she shares with others then these things need to be addressed, but if he does not want them to be then leave those things for him to deal with. Letting her move in and live with him is not a matter of disrespect to you, it is being a parent. The job does not end when one turns 18. You are asking him to put you before his child, something an adult, especially a parent, should know better then to do.

I saw your SWH and am sad to see that he was forced to choose between you two, this will almost for sure hurt his future relationship with his daughter, and possibly cause a lot of resentment from him towards you. Best of luck.

Sounds like you need to step back and look at this whole situation. Your husband has told you how he wants his child dealt with and you don't like it.

So you have the option to live with that or not live with that.

If you don't want to be her servant then stop. Let things lay there and stay put. YOU do NOT have to be a servant in your own home. You choose to clean up after her? Then you choose to be her servant. You choose to clean up after him? You choose to be his servant.

I don't do that. I assign people chores and if they don't do them then no one else does them. My husband does the dishes. If he doesn't do them then no one does them. If my granddaughter doesn't take out the trash then the trash stacks up. I do NOT do their chores for them.

I chose to live as an equal in my house and I choose to not be a servant to anyone. There is a difference between being a servant and doing service for others.