15 Month Old Wont Sleep alone...uses Me as pacifier...hates Everyone Except Us

I am interested in reading the responses you get. I have an 8 month old that is the same way. (I created the monster..hahaha). I tend to do a lot of things with her in my sling or mei tai. I call her my "wart". LOL! Good luck and I hope you get some good advice.

It sounds like you've been a wonderful mother, responding when your son needs you and listening to your mothering insticts. I have 4 children, and as I get more informed about doing what comes naturally, I became more easy going when it came to nightime parenting. I have made the same choices you have, sleeping next to my baby and nursing at night. I wouldn't trade any of it for a minute. You know it won't last forever, and if you let go of the (outside) expectation that he needs to sleep away from you and doesn't need to nurse at night, everyone will be much happier. Another benefit is the fact that he will become more independent as he grows because he will be more secure in his bond with you. His bond with you is the base from which he branches out to the world. Children who fail to feel secure with their mother end up always feeling insecure and needy, and sometimes never get over that feeling. You are doing the right thing even if it is hard and counter-cultural! He is still a baby and needs to know you're right there with him. Don't rush him, he'll grow up fast enough.

Hey T.,
Sounds like you have a perfectly normal 15-month old! And it isn't your fault - of course your baby wants to be with you! Both of my toddlers went through an intense seperation-anxious period at just that age - that magically disappeared around 18-20 months, almost from one day to the next. Any chance you could put off your return to work for a few months? If not, then maybe you can just be extra available for him when you aren't working. I know it is hard when you have other kids and responsibilities, but it is what he needs right now and it won't last much longer. Ditto with the breastfeeding. Weaning at the same time you are rocking his world by going back to work might just be too much stress for the little guy, which won't help the sleep issues. As for sleep, both of mine have slept with me as babies and have nursed at night quite a bit. The breast is the original pacifier, you know! It mostly doesn't bother me because I can go right back to sleep. By the time they were close to two, they were sleeping better, and around 2.5, slept in their own bed (in my room) pretty much all night, every night. It was a long time coming, but worth the wait! Two books I like on the subject are _The No-Cry Sleep Solution_ by Elizabeth Pantley and _Good Nights_ by Dr. Jay Gordon. Be wary of "cry-it-out" advice. He is still a baby and needs a lot of help and attention from his mommy. He won't be a baby forever and we won't always need or want your close contact. Good luck!

Like Summer said about Dr. McKenna, Dr. Sears website is also really awesome. He's also a big advocator (sp?) of attachment parenting and breastfeeding and co-sleeping. Which I have done with all of mine. Actually am right now with the 2 month old. The first 2 co-slept and nursed 'til about 2 1/2 when they pretty much just weaned themselves. So, I guess this isn't really any advice just some encouragment in telling you that it sounds to me like you're doing a wonderful job in mothering. We all get the same "look" from people that don't understand co-sleeping when we tell them that our babies sleep with us. I think it's halarious. Each to their own, at least we don't have to get out of bed several times a night to tend to a crying baby! And no, they won't sleep with us forever. They're not gonna be 16 and wanting to sleep and nurse with mama.

I have a very similiar situation. My son is 14 months and has never slept in his crib at night. I am also started to try to wean, which isn't going well when I am around. He will take cow's milk in a bottle fine for Grandma, but if I try to offer the bottle or sippy cups he refuses it and tries to open up my shirt. He also uses me as a pacifier at night.
The only good news I can offer is that during the day, while I work he is with grandma, and now takes 2 naps per day in his crib. He quickly learned that grandma wasn't going to hold him while he slept, I'm not exactly sure how she accomplished this, but he does take a bottle before he naps.
I am a big fan of Dr. Sears and have decided to accept the fact that I am practicing "attachment parenting" and not let others make me feel guilty.
I am going to continue to nurse at night, and work on weaning during the day.
Good luck and let me know if you discover any "secrets" to the weaning process!

We have had a similar situation, and never had any luck with a crib.

Our solution was to put our bed (a futon) on a very low platform (a couple inches off the ground) and get her a single futon (she's 18 months now, but we got it when she was about 13 months) on a similar low platform. She has gotten used to sleeping (once nursed or rocked to sleep) on her futon, and when she wakes up, she can get up and go to the door to find us. It's safe, and she can also sleep with us on our bed--no risk of her rolling off, or if she does, it's not very far to the ground.

I think some babies really want and need to sleep with their parents--but I know this is a personal decision and each family needs to decide what works best so that EVERYONE can get a decent night's sleep.

Our family is firmly opposed to "cry it out" but that's just us. I know some people who have had to do this, and it worked, so I'm not going to suggest that I can tell anyone else what to do. Trust your instincts, and do what you need to so you can get some sleep.
:)

Good luck!

He sounds like a normal, attached boy. I have breastfed all of my kids until age 2- 2 1/2. I am still nursing and co sleeping with my youngest of 4, who is 9 months. He is also very attached and cries if I leave him. It is frustrating, but a normal sign of healthy attachment.

It also is not wrong, no matter what people try to tell you, that you let your child sleep with you. This is also normal for most children of this age around the world. The US is one of the few countries who encourage young babies and children to sleep alone. Dr. James Mckenna is one example of a doctor who thinks it is unhealthy for the child's development for babies to sleep alone. I have found my kids didn't start sleeping alone until between ages 3-4. Actually, my girls then started sleeping together. My 3 year old also sometimes sleeps with her sisters and sometimes with us.

I have also discovered it is very normal for toddler to start to nurse more at night at around 12 - 18 months. I am on an attached parents email list and this seems to be a very common phenomenon. It's probably related to a growth spurt. You might try feeding him more solid food before bed. But, he might just also be trying to make sure you don't go anywhere. Try letting him hold your hand or rest your hand on him so he feels secure. If I have to get up, I line his body with a pillow so that he thinks I'm there.

So, what do you do if you need to leave him? That is the real difficulty with attached kids. Maybe try holding him until he is almost completely asleep, then switch to daddy holding him. Of course you will then need to disappear out of sight. It will take a few nights for him to get use to it, but eventually he will go to sleep with daddy holding him. You can slowly increase the amount of time that daddy holds him to get him to sleep, eventually transitioning to him doing the whole thing. You might also be able to try this with a babysitter, but I'm not sure it will go as easily since he isn't going to be as use to the babysitter.

No local mamasource meetings, but have you tried a La Leche Meeting? They can help with night weaning and sleep training at this age. Otherwise, try "No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers" and "The Happiest Baby on the Block". "The Baby Whisperer" might be helpful, but it may stick to younger babies.

Sadly, it's going to take time to get your son used to sleeping alone in his crib after all this time sleeping with you. Getting a baby to sleep on his own is difficult no matter what age you try to do it, but since your son is already older, you have that much more habit to break. When we were trying to get our son to sleep in his own bed, we did a couple of things that made it easier. However, since he was only 3 months old, you'll probably have to work longer and harder to get everything to work. You should probably wait for a weekend or some time when you can make up the sleep, because originally, you're going to lose some.

First, establish a bedtime routine, and stick to it WITHOUT FAIL. For us, we do dinner, then a bath, then a story, then some rocking with soothing music in the background. This prepares your baby for sleepiness, and it really works! Once he has figured out that he does the same pattern every night, he will start to get sleepy when the pattern begins. Our son starts to yawn the moment he hits the bath. Second, go ahead and rock your son to sleep - later, you'll want to rock him until until he is very drowsy and then put him down, but to begin with, that is probably too much to expect. When he is asleep, set him in his crib, and leave. When he wakes up, allow him to cry or fuss for 5-10 minutes (no more) before going to him. If he wakes but does not fuss, let him lie in his crib until he starts to cry, then head up. Pat him, stroke his hair, or rub his back (or whatever helps him relax), but don't lift him out of the crib, make eye contact, or speak to him. Give him 5-10 minutes of crying before you pick him up again and rock him again. Repeat as many times as necessary. You can change his diaper or whatever you need to do, but it is important to avoid eye contact and talking to him once you have put him down to sleep. He'll stall you to get your attention, but if he learns that during nap time, he doesn't get it, he'll be less interested in staying awake.

As for the weaning, you're right. Most babies can sleep through the night by the time they're 6 months old, long before they are weaned off of breast milk, so chances are your son isn't actually hungry at all at night. He is either not eating enough before bed, or he is using you out of habit and to pacify. Make sure he gets a big dinner, and then decide that you are going to feed him once during the night (probably around 2-3 is when he will get hungry if he is genuinely hungry). The rest of the time, don't offer your breast. Give him a pacifier or go ahead and rock him back to sleep. You really can't give in and take him back in your arms to sleep, though, because then he's just learned that next time you try to break this habit, he just has to fuss longer and harder.

It's a difficult process, but it is worth it. And although a couple of nights will probably feel very long, the quality of sleep that you will get will eventually make up for it!

I know I thought our oldest was suffering from separation anxiety, and she would cry and cry (it was heartbreaking to leave her) but I got a job and had to work and she was at a friend's house who took good care of her. This happened everywhere I took her and left her-- she would cry and cry. But if I could call back even ONE MINUTE later, she was happy and playing. Everyone told me she was doing it for my benefit. :) You might try calling back and seeing how it's going.

The other situation--sleeping with you and using you as a pacifier--I can't help you..but I know when we tried to get our child to go to sleep in her bed on her own--it was three nights of screaming. Friends told us it would take 3 nights, and we would have to hold firm, we could go in and pat her or something if was crying so hard she was almost causing herself to choke, but we didn't pick her up and we stayed calm and it worked. Even though your son hasn't been used to sleeping in a crib, he can get used to it. It's really harder on you but it will be so much better for all of you when it's accomplished.

Right after I wrote this, I read the next few responses which say "beware of people who say to let them cry it out." So, I guess I sound like a bad mother...but learning to sleep on their own was something my children had to learn--I had to go back to work. I did nurse exclusively for the first year with all three kids, none of which ever got attached to a pacifier or sucked their thumb or anything like that--Yes we'd be up in the night when they were little, but by 15 months, no one was waking up for a bottle in the night.

My now 2 &1/2 yr old was like this when he was 15-16 months old. I started having daddy put him to bed. I would nurse him, then give him to daddy who turned on the radio and danced 1 song with him, then put him to bed. That is the age we started to wean also. He was down to 2 times a day by the time bedtime got to be crazy. My son never wanted anyone but me, and it was bad because we were in a small house and his crib was right up against my side of the bed in my room. So he started to climb out of the crib and flop onto me in the middle of the night. - My point- it takes time,relax, and take it in stride. It will probably seem like you have a newborn at night again. It's mostly about separation. Your milk is warm and comforting.

My boy wouldn't take a bottle for me at all. He would for daddy and grandparents. He still doesn't like to stay with anyone but us.
Just think, before you know it he will be in Kindergarten and you will be looking back missing that special time you had with him.

Good luck.

I ran into the same problem with my third!!!! I used the cry it out method but I made my husband go in and take care of her through out the night. If I would go in she would want to nurse. It took us a while but she did finally get the hang of it. She is 2 now and is a great sleeper goes to bed at the same time as her brother and sister and I don't hear a peep until the morning!!!!

I am sure your baby sitter will have some trouble the first couple of weeks, but they will work themselves into a routine. My babysitter had a rough time in the begining with my third (she was kind of a tough little baby!!!) but once they got used to each other things worked out great!!

Good luck, you can do it!!!

Well, as an oldie (I am 57) all I can say is your are trying to get him to make an awful lot of adjustments all at one time and that is hard for the little guy which makes him all the more clingy when he gets you back and gets home. I suggest one thing at time and give him a month to adapt to one major change before you go on to the next one.
Good luck, you will be in my prayers.

It sounds like you are doing awesome if you never want to sleep normally or do anything apart from your child.

Contrary to what other posters have said, I do not think it is normal for a toddler (he is not a baby, even though other posters have called him this) to unable to sleep on his own. Soon you will have a four-year-old who needs to be nuzzled next to you all night. Also, good luck finding a babysitter who is willing to allow your child to nap in her arms for a few hours.

For all those who do not believe in letting children cry, has a grown child ever once complained to his parents, “you let me cry before I went to sleep?” No! Your child will not remember the trauma of crying before bed. In fact, he will be happier and better behaved if he is more rested! He will be glad that you helped him to get a good night’s sleep! And you are teaching him a valuable lesson – that he cannot get whatever he wants by crying to you. You can be attached to your child in other ways. You do not need to be a human pacifier for him.

Establish a bedtime routine. You also need to set the tone for bedtime. Make going to bed seem like a peaceful, happy experience. If he sees you are panicked and upset by his being in bed, of course he thinks, “if Mommy’s so upset, then going to bed on my own must be really horrible!” Try talking to him before bed. Tell him, “honey, in five minutes we’re going to go to sleep in your crib.” Then “okay, honey, one more minute and we’re going to lay down in the crib.” Make sure he’s had enough to eat before going to bed. When you lay him down, if he cries, let him stay in the crib, but you can give him hugs and kisses (while he is still inside his crib). Assure him that he doesn’t have to be scared. Tell him that you understand sleeping on his own is different but that it’s something you want him to try. Tell him you love him and that you and Daddy will be right downstairs if he really needs your help. Then let him cry until he settles down (which will probably take a while). Does he really poop all night? You do not have to rush in right away and change his diaper. Just put Desitin on him before bed to protect his skin and you can wait until he settles down before going in the change the diaper (I agree that you shouldn’t let him sit in poop all night, but you can wait until he’s a little more worn down). In the morning, tell him you’re proud of him for making it the whole night in his own crib. Praise him for being a big boy. During the day you can also play “night-night” with him. Put his stuffed animals “to bed” and put blankets over them. Show him how they sleep in their own beds all by themselves. Show him how to tuck them in. My 15-month-old daughter (who has slept on her own since day one) recently had a period of sleep uneasiness and it really helped her for us to talk to her and explain what was happening before bedtime. I also put her animals in the crib with her and tucked them in.

Good luck!

I didn't read all of the responses but I am a firm believer of the Cry It Out method sort of. I used to be like you with all of my kids. A human pacifier!! But at some point I got to thinking, This has got to stop, I am tired!! So, I would do the same thing every night. I think routine is key. Do the same thing every night before you put them down for bed. That way they know it is coming. Then, I would just put them down and leave the room. No lingering or talking to them or anything. If they cried,I would let them cry for a few minutes and if they got too crazy (which really wasn't that often) I would go in calm them down and then it was right back into the crib. It will be tough for the first few days but believe me, it will get better. I also think that the musical crib toys are the best! My daughter is four and LOVES her Ocean Wonders Aquarium. It has music and lights and she plays it every night. My son who is almost 2 has an older model crib toy but it still plays music and has lights. I think those have helped tremendously. I also have an almost 3 month old son that I will be putting a music toy in his crib as well.
Once they got to sleeping on their own there would be nights that they would have a bad night and would regress back or something but be consistent and most importantly, Don't Give Up!! Good Luck.