14 Almost 15 Gave Personal Info on Internet Chat Site

Over react all you want...take the phone away and the computer!! Ever hear of sexual preditors using bogus names and ages before?

Nanc

My only suggestion would be to consider getting a keylogger program installed on the computer which will log (in secret) all activity made on the keyboard. She will not know it is installed on the computer. You can therefore have access to her chats, passwords, etc. It is a rather large breach of trust, but if you feel she is endangering herself, it is something to consider. Good luck!

i say cancel the phone... if you still want her to have a cell, then take away the text option on the plan. Plus get the print out ASAP from the phone company... you can only get that after a certain number of days, so DON'T WAIT--- CALL THEM TODAY!

i would definately be worried. this is a crucial time for the 2 of you to be open with each other. when i was her age, i started hanging out with a bad crowd... it would have been nice for someone to really care and talk to me about it. it's important too, that you approach her in a way that doesn't put up her guard. let her know that you only need to know to protect her... even go so far as to show her real cases of internet predators... make it real to her.

she is capable of more than you think... so take care of it now and if it is suspicious, take it to the police or contact an agency that investigates these kinds of things. don't take it lightly.

-L.

Obviously you were able to get the 'boy's' phone number, so call it! Find out who he is, etc.

Second, I would tell the daughter that if she doesn't allow you to see her texts immediately, you are turning off the phone and computer... then do it. I mean call as soon as she says"no" to you and cancel it all.

Your job as a mother is to protect your daughter, and this is the only way to do it.
As for her "privacy"... well, she gave that up when she started hiding things from you.

You need to be worried,..... please let us knwo what happens.

I've read what everyone has said, and you've gotten a lot of good advice, I'm sure, but I think there may be other things to consider. We live in an internet world; a world of cell phones and texting and quick and easy communication, such as what we are doing now. That will not change. Kids can buy new cell phones or disposable cell phones or borrow from friends. It is hard to keep them safe, and it can be very scary to contemplate all that can happen to them. Your daughter is also at an age where her brain has not fully developed and thus her judgement is not fully formed, either. Kids her age think they are immortal and invincible, as if nothing can ever harm them and all parents over-react as part of their job description. Part of the challenge you face here is not only how to keep her safe, but how to turn this into a lesson from which she can learn something positive despite whatever punishment you impose, and also how to make this a trust building exercise for the two of you. This is not the last time something like this will happen, I'm willing to guess -whether over internet communication or boys or cars or drinking or drugs or other things that may loom on the horizon - and how you tow learn to negotiate truth and trust are critical decision. You are the parent, you are the one in control and you are the one in charge. You set the limits and define what is safe. She doesn't need to agree with you, but she does need to understand why you feel this way, what you see as the risks, and that you do this because you love and care for her. but I think it is equally important to teach her about how to exercise good judgement. She's not ready to take on full responsibility for her own life - not any where near ready - but she needs to begin to learn how one earns trust and how one can try to make good decisions. It takes time to learn and it does not happen overnight, nor does it occur with out some mistakes and backsliding. Consequences are useful. I think you have some interesting privacy issues here as well, and while you have the right to impose whatever sanctions you chose or make what ever decisions you feel are in your daughter's best interest, it may be helpful to explain these things to your daughter so she does not feel violated or invaded. Perhaps there is a neutral third party who could help you with this? These are not easy things to deal with and the resolution will probably be painful for both of you. I certainly wish you the very best of luck with this. She sounds like a good kid who needs a better understanding of the risks she faces as she moves out into the world, as well as some limits and some consequences.

Keep us posted.

A.

Have you considered watching To Catch a Predator with her? This way she could see why you're so upset and she might get a healthy amount of scared, too.

Trust your gut and keep in mind that she's the role model for your other kids.

Be firm! Tell her if she doesn't let you read the texts, you'll have her service shut off. Same goes with the IM's, or emails. If she doesn't let you read them, you'll disconnect her internet connection. It's only a cord, unless she's using wireless, then you can change your security password and she won't be able to get on.

Also, I think the other mom was right, I think you can call the cell phone provider and get copies of the messages. The only reason I can think of that she would be secretive is because she's telling him things that are too personal.

If she were my daughter, she'd have to give me her email password, and leave the cell where I can get to it. If she couldn't abide by my rules, then she wouldn't have those things any longer.

Keep your chin up! And remember... BE FIRM!

This is a serious offense! I would not be threatening to take it away, it would be GONE. She broke your trust by giving out her info when she said she wouldn't. SHe needs serious consequences for that. This is very dangerous. Take everything away, the phone and the computer for a couple weeks. If she wont let you see them it's so obvious they are very innappropriate, also, why else would she ad,mit it was a mistake and not do it again? SIf it was all so innocent she would still be defending her decision. I think the best adveice is when she earns the computer back, Put it in a central public place in your home. Put it in the kitchen or living room. Not in her room where she could use it with the door closed or late at night. And make sure you get one of those programs that lets you see exactly what sites she visits and her messages and emails. But.Let her know that she can earn your trust back as time goes on. Just my opinion. Good luck!

I would definitely contact the phone company for the text info, read it, and then tell her you did it to protect her and she will not be in trouble for the things she said. She will be embarrassed because maybe she (and he) said some things you won't like. (which is why i wouldn't demand the phone and read it right in front of her) Maybe it will be sexual and you will need to talk very in depth about that topic again and all that goes along with it. Hopefully she did not give him or anyone else your address! You might want to make sure the phone book doesn't publish your street address.....thanks for your post, for helping to make others more aware of these kinds of dangers! Good luck!

P.S. I also like the idea of calling the boy yourself to find out if he sounds young like she said or maybe talk to his parents to make them aware of his internet habits!

trusting your child is fine - but you should TAKE THE PHONE AWAY AND THE COMPUTER TOO!!!!! Check out this article regarding myspace.com http://www.azcentral.com/community/chandler/articles/2008... I would bet your daughter has an account there and that's how she met him. You need to be VERY extra careful. There are predators on all of these websites just waiting to get to your child. Why would she want to talk to someone in California. My daughter was doing the same thing - she is 13 - we took her phone and there is no computer. Trust is EARNED - not GIVEN freely. To protect your daughters life you must be sure she understand all the consequences.....and she doesn't. Please take her things away and know in your heart she is safe! Good LUCK

You are NOT overreacting. Even if he is young, so what? It doesn't mean it was wise to let him have her personal info.

I'm all for respecting kid's privacy and especially at her age, but the truth is that she violated a trust you had in her to not cross that boundary so she has forfeited that priveledge in this case. I'm not going to tell you what to do but I do want to encourage you that your response is on-point. Today it could be (COULD be) true that he's young (which doesn't mean there's no other potential problen) but tomorrow she could be duped. UGGH! These babies and the internet! Good luck, N

I do not think you are over reacting. There are a lot of preditors out there. I would commend your daughter for checking this person out, but they are very clever. There is no way to know if this is actually the person she thinks it is or perhaps his father , uncle, or even a soccer coach. I would insist that She gives you the phone and until she does restrict her priveleges. I would also respect her privacy. Give her the opportunity to share the text but don't insist. Is there someway you can block certain calls? You can block this person from her e-mails etc. (parental controls) Let her know that if she is willing to share the text etc. you might reconsider. In your statement you say she is 14...in your information your oldest is 13. Either way to young for good judgement. I would normally say with this distance it's probably safe enough but we really don't know and I would err on the side of caution. It is her unwillingness to share that really worries. me. Remember if she does share, that not everything she is saying may be true either. Many people become other fantasy personalities on line. So if you do happen to find out she is saying inapropriate things don't get to upset. I would just caution her that it could come back to haunt her.

That is a tough one. the fact that she knows it was wrong to give out info is good but why is she hiding the phone? You could probably see the text message if you call your provoder and let them know the phone is being used by a minor. then at least you will know what the texts were about. I do feel though that if she is not being open about the conversation you should shut off the phone etc.
Also, have her read up on the stories about the kids that gave out info on the internet. Sometimes giving them a real good scare can help.

It is so hard to monitor them. I have a 10 1/2 yr old and although it is only her "disney channel friends" she is chatting with, it scares the heck out of me on what is too come! Good luck and take good care of that daughter of yours. :)

You pay the bill, ask to see the messages, or the phone is turned off. She is pushing you and though it may be totally a simple text conversation. She needs to know you mean business and that she can't do it again. Pedophiles are seriously sneeky! She is too young to comprehend that. Protect your daughter FIRST! Good luck.

Hi L... I didn't even read the other replies here.. I had a similar situation with my then 15 y/o. and I took a hard line.. It went very well...

If she is refusing to show you the texts, she is hiding something. At 14 there is no "right" to that level of privacy. it has to be earned through trust and respect .. Tell her you want her phone once more and if she refuses, CANCEL HER PHONE SERVICE immediately.

Take the keyboard and mouse out of her room and lock it in yours. That way she can only have supervised use of the computer..

If you don't draw a hard line now.. what will you do when she makes plans to meet this boy?

You have to set strong limits for her safety.

Good luck.. I KNOW how hard this will be, but now that my DD is 18.. I cna tell you it all works out beautifully...

Call him. Just tell him you were concerned. YOu don't know him.. you dont' want your daughter to be embarrased.. but you need to know who he is. Talk to his mom or dad.. just to make sure of his age.. if it's ok... then let her talk.. You have to call him.. good luck

To be honest, I would have to definitely punish her for giving out personal info like that. I'd start with the obvious, take the computer and phone away for atleast a month or so. That's nothing to fool around with- as we all watch the news and know how easy it is for internet predators to lure our children in! I would also tell her that as long as she has that phone, you are more than allowed to check those text messages whenever you please. I know it may seem like an invasion of her privacy- but that's the price she should pay when acting sneaky and hiding it. Good luck to you, this can be such a serious matter and you always want to be safe than sorry!
Lynsey

You can get most recent texts through your carrier. I belive that verizon saves texts messages up to 14 days. Call you pphone company and find out. You can also probably see a computer expert and they may be able to find emails or most anythiong that went back and forth. I never had to do this but I heard of these things being done. I say cancel that phone ASAP. I wish you the best.

K.

If you are the one who pays the cell phone bill, call the phone company and request a print out of your daughters text messages! I have a friend who found out her hubby was cheating on her by doing that.

You MUST get in touch with this 15 year old boy's parents. Find the info online or from his cell number and get in touch with the adults in CA. It is totally appropriate for you to call and say "hi, my name is ... our kids met online and I wanted to check up on the situation." His parents will appreciate it and if your daughter is correct and he is a 15 year old boy, they can continue to be friends and text and chat as much as they want. It is great that they are friends and that your daughter has a pen pal in CA, but you MUST make sure he is a boy.

I say this because I work for a law enforcement office and we have a unit dedicated to online child predators. Your daughter has no idea if this person is a child or a 45 year old man. She may be in danger. The fact that you are concerned enough about it to ask the moms is a sure sign that you are not overreacting. Be calm, check into it, and talk to his parents.

I would make a BIG deal about it with your daughter and make sure she knows how dangerous talking to strangers can be. I would go to the length of taking her to your local police or district attorney's office and having someone show her where they investigate these kind of crimes and talk to her about how serious it is. You don't want to be one of the mothers that we call to tell then that their daughter is dead or abducted by one of the animals. I don't mean to scare you, but it is a serious situation. You are smart to be cautious.

wow. my oldest is 3 so i am not there yet, but i wouldn't give chances in this case, especially if she will not show you what she wrote. i would take away the phone and computer. that is a tough one. good luck.

L., I really feel for you. My LO is still a baby, so I haven't had to deal with any of this as a parent, but my sister is 19, so I've had to deal with it as a concerned older sibling.

When we say that it's a different world than any of us grew up in, we're only touching on what that really means. Kids are growing up so completely disconnected from human relationships, I don't think they really see what happens over the internet as real. Because they can't been seen, they feel like they have some sort of protective armor, and I think it's hard for us to really understand that because we didn't grow up like that.

I think your daughter has entered the teenage stage of feeling invincible and that she knows how to take care of herself, which we know can be terribly destructive because she's still young and neither of these things actually apply.

I am not really sure how you should approach her, but you should be assured, along with all of the rest of the posts that you ARE NOT overreacting. You should definitely call your cell provider and get printouts of her texts, and you should get a spy computer program that will monitor all of her activity, and if you can afford it, get someone to find all of her past communication with him. While I would love to tell you that you should take her computer away, I'm sure that she needs it for school, but she does not need to use it in a room away from you. Also, unless you are particularly computer savvy, as people who did not grow up in cyberspace, we need to remember that kids know their way around computers in a way that we never will, and they will learn how to hide things. So, be one step ahead of her and don't tell her that you will be spying on her, and see if she is really telling you the truth. I know it sounds sneaky and an invasion of her privacy! But it will be the only way for you to know if she is telling you the truth.

I would also take her phone away from her at night and I would get rid of the texting plan, though I am not sure that it will keep texts from coming in, only going out. My parents had this problem with my sister. You could also look at one of the new phone plans for kids - there's a phone that will only store three or four numbers for emergencies and I think it doesn't have texting.

I would mention to her that while this person may very well be young and just a teen like her, he could also be saying that he lives in California, only to actually be someone living in the next town from you. I know from experience that you might tell someone more personal stuff about yourself if you think they don't know about where you live, what you really look like, etc. I don't say this to scare you, but just to put it out there because it could be true.

All of this is very scary and I wish you all the best. The bottom line is that you need to trust your instincts on this one. You cannot trust her blindly, so trust yourself. Good luck.

DING DING DING warning bells are ringing. You are the mom she is hiding her cell phone from you. If this is sooo innocent you have to ask yourself why. CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL. You pay the bill it is your responsibility to protect this child. Also you can set your computer to limited access where she can only go to parent approved sites and no chat rooms. If you don't know how to do it you can get someone from the Geek Squad to help you through Best Buy. If you want to do it yourself you need to go to the control panel and click on user accounts and set your daughter's to limited access. If you can, set up the computer in a family room where everyone is this way you can watch her whenever she is on it. You also stated you are getting divorced soon, this could also be a reason why she did this. Can you get her father involved in this? Maybe she needs a father figure. Just a thought mind you.

L.,
Your daughter knew better than to do this - and how long did she wait to tell you (or did you find out accidentally?)

Please explain to her that just because she found him on the internet DOES NOT mean he can't have falsified his information.

She's hiding something, and it is not just the phone. Please know you are NOT overreacting, and you need to do what any parent should do to avoid losing their child (potentially) or their wallet (this might lead to more expensive activities).

Take the steps now to make sure you don't lose her to someone else!

I had a teacher once whose daughter got caught up in trying to leave the country with a boy whom she 'loved'. They would have headed off to a country where her parents had no jurisdiction. She had her passport and everything; her parents just happened to catch her getting ready to leave.

Please be careful. This is why parents snoop in their kid's rooms, to prevent awful things from happening.

As far as the computer, she has already earned her ticket to losing it - she did this in the first place, and she is hiding information and evidence from you.

Good luck, and a prayer sent your way,
M.

L.,

My advice is to definitely nip this one in the bud. Of course you'll be the worst mother in the world & ruining your daughter's life (in her opinion), but she'll realize when she's older that you were keeping her safe. I've seen those Dateline shows called To Catch a Preditor. Granted this person could sound like a young kid, but you never know if it's some scummy guy on the other end of the phone disguising his voice. I work for a cellular company, which I'll leave nameless as to protect myself. Call up your cell phone carrier & say that your young teenage daughter is receiving inappropriate and/or harrassing calls/texts msgs & you want to change her number. Most of the time, if you get a sympathetic rep, they will waive the fee. I'm not going to guarantee anything because companies take into account youe payment history, amount of credits in the past, etc.

Anyway, I highly suggest you stop this while she's just talking to someone long distance. That's how I started.... had a pen pal for about 18 years, but never met. However, I lost my virginity to a local boy much younger than I feel is appropriate. My mom tried to stop anything before it started, but didn't try hard enough.

Good luck!
A.