Am I Handling This Right? (Updated)

<laughing> Phones are GREAT, aren't they? "In my day" (insert creaky voice) we did all those things and more (truth or dare, passing along sex info, griping about home/parents, blowing things out of proportion, batting bambi eyes at grandparents for things mean-old-mom wouldn't let us get, etc.) we jut did it in person without any kind of 'papertrail' that could get us caught!!

Parents these days have so much more of a WINDOW into their kids' lives, so many more opportunities to parent, because man oh man do they leave 'papertrails' in their wake in the form of chats, txting, emails, social networking.

I actually feel sorry for kids who are under so much more supervision than WE were, but glad to be a parent in this day and age.

She is the poster child of why kids that young should NOT have a cell phone. You are doing the right thing by taking it away.

I definitely would take the phone away until I felt better! Then I would sit down with her and talk to her about the problems with what she has been doing and why. She is a tween and in my experience so far, the lesson comes across more if you have a discussion where you subtly lead her to come to the right conclusion herself. And perhaps if you get to the point where she understands what the problem is, she can have input on the solution as well. Taking away the cell phone will solve the problem in the short term, but what you want is for her to realize that with privilege comes responsibility. And if she can't handle the reponsibility then she doesn't get the privilege. In the long term, you want her to make good decisions, not just about cell phone use, but truth or dare at a sleepover, or any number of other issues. Definitely a teachable moment!
Good luck and hope you feel better!

First, take the phone away and have a talk with your daughter. But everyone has already covered this, so I'll move on.

You also need to have a loooooooong talk with your MOTHER about how she is undermining your parenting (completely inappropriate) and encouraging your daughter to keep secrets from her parents (dangerous in later years). This is COMPLETELY unacceptable (but you have now learned that your mother cannot be trusted alone with your children). Wow, kids will be kids, but your mother should know better.

You are absolutely correct in taking away the phone. She clearly isn't mature enough to handle the priviledge of having a phone and all of the activities that come along with it.

I would also have a serious conversation with your mother. There is no reason for her to buy your daughter something that you already said "no" to and then to ask her to keep it a secret... guess what, no more unsupervised time with grandma! They can chat on the phone ONLY when you are sitting right there.

Just my opinion here, but you may want to consider allowing your children to have cells with "plans". Having a phone at this age (again, just my opinion) should be for safety purposes... after school activities, sleepovers, home alone for periods of time.... not for chatting with friends and texting.

Get a land line with local service only... let her chat on that, in the kitchen until she demonstrates some restraint and maturity.

You asked if you are overreacting. Absolutely not! This has nothing to do with you being ill. You are being a parent. Sick or not. If this were my daughter I would turn off her phone SO fast and remind her that having a phone is a privilege NOT a right. You can’t control what her friends are doing or sending but you can certainly control whether or not she has a phone.

I agree with Hummingbird. Lecture, and stand your ground!

You go Mom!!

yikes.... this sucks!
You are totally doing the right thing so do not reconsider giving her phone back any time soon. It's like you just got to read her diary.... scary..... but at least a physical diary stays at home and is not passed around.
Kids these days (even when you think yours are innocent) are so much more sophisticated than we realize. They are good at playing the "my parents think Im innocent" game...... MOST parents DO NOT realize how crazy their children are when not with them.
This is a great post and a great eye opener for a lot of moms that are thinking their tweens and teens are not doing anything behind their backs. I'm sure this will cause some double checking.
Daughter needs an informative lecture and wouldnt earn the phone back any time soon as far as I'm concerned. You just found out something new about her and it will be awhile before you will feel comfortable enough to trust her again. She's too young and impulsive right now to be on phones or computers without total supervision. She just proved that to you.
Stand your ground.

You are not over-reacting! With that being said, what were you thinking giving a phone with unlimited text and picture messaging to an 11 year old? I think phones for kids that age are completely unnecessary. At 11, I would assume she is always with a responsible adult that would have a phone. I know you don't have a phone at home, but I think you can get one that would only dial 911 for free. IF you feel she (and your other children) really need a phone, there are companies that will put restrictions on phones (for example, it won't work after a certain time at night and it will only dial/receive calls from pre-programmed numbers). Also, if she gets it back, I would check it daily for messages, etc. She is 11--it's your job to protect her. I taught 6th grade for a few years and was shocked at the things the kids did/said.

Best of Luck!

No, you are most definitely not over-reacting! Not only would I be upset over the phone content, I would also be really upset over the fact that your mom and daughter are in cahoots behind your back. After dealing with the phone issue (take it away, period), I would sit down and have a nice chat with mom about her efforts to undermine your authority with your daughter. Sure, your daughter will probably think you're the meanest mom in the world for awhile, but guess what? She'll get over it. Sounds like she's in WAY over her head with the picture mail. If she also has access to a computer or FB, I'd check on that too while I was at it. Hopefully nothing's going on there as well. Feel better.

Maybe I'm old school but what do they need a phone for? Any of them?? Emergency purposes - fine. I'm sure there is a plan that only allows certain calls. Texting and pictures? What the heck for? Mine are still young, 5 and 8 so I'm not there yet - maybe I'll change my tune in a few years. I just see so many adults addicted to their phones, texting away all day long - why have it start when they are so young.

I guess if you don't agree with me, at least have her turn in her phone to you each night at a certain time and I would take her picture ability away as punishment - doesn't matter if she pays for the phone. Right now it's just licking toilets (eww) and walls - but what is next, naked photo's?

Looking forward to reading the responses of others that are actually walking in your shoes. Ay-yi-yi - not looking forward to the kids getting older - lol.

I don't think you are over reacting at all.

Either take the phone away, or delete unlimited text - delete text/photos completely! She has shown responsibility with the payments, and for that, praise her, but let her know the appropriate and innappropriate ways to use a phone privilege.
While you are at it, if she has ANY sort of social media (ie - Facebook)/email accounts, please check those immediately. If things are going on with her phone with people she knows, stranger and more dangerous things can be going on with the internet.

I'm old school, too: no cell phones for kids!! I'm sure I'll be in the minority of your responses, but with all the other things that parents have to worry about with their kids in this day and age, I don't need or want to deal with the "sexting" or sexual photos that happen when kids have cell phones. My goodness, I think we've all read about the female teens that have killed themselves over graphic images of themselves going viral at school (on cell phones). Not to mention the EMT's that are transmitted to the brain from cell phones. (Cell phones are not safe for kid brains). I think you did the right thing.

Yes, I'm with Krista on this one. You are doing exactly what you should be in my opinion. This is why I won't let my kids have phones or facebook. They just aren't mature enough to handle it yet.

I personally don't think you are over reacting at all, and I think there needs to be further consequences.

I won't get into a discussion about what age is appropriate to have a phone. I think that is up to each family to decide. Our children were older and we paid for them. But that was the deal, they are MY (husband and I's) phones that we are allowing THEM to use. And subject to search and seizure at any time!

When our now 20 year old son was about 15 or 16 he left his phone downstairs while he took a shower. Of course I went through all text messages which were pretty stupid. But when I handed him his phone back, I ask who Andi was? To tell psycho Mary to quit texting at 3 am! And if Brittany every told him to sneak out again, he damn well better not!
*Andi was the new girl at school. Psycho Mary had the nick-name because she was crazy and just short of a stalker so he never read her texts anyway. And no he didn't sneak out to meet Brittany! :)
Our daughter was told the same thing when she got hers.

I'm not sure how I would handle the texting between your daughter and your mother, except I'd make sure your mother knew how inappropriate it is!

As far as the daring pictures that is sexting and the law is getting involved all over the country. That needs to stop immediately and I think I'd go to those parents as well.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this while not feeling well. Keep the phone, turn it off, and lay down the law. At 11 you need to nip some of these things in the bud now.

you're doing the right thing to take the phone away.

Your doing fine. She showed she was responsible in paying for the phone, but not responsible in using the phone. Unfortunately both don't usually happen at the same time. Be very clear with her on why the phone is being taken away. Have clear discussions about the dangers of sexting. Ask her what she thinks sexting is. Ask what she thinks the consequences can be. Discuss with her what she needs to do to re-earn the privilege of having a phone and how long it might take (remember time is a lot longer for them than for us. A month feels like many months). Ask her what she thinks the punishment should be. Sometimes they surprise you. This is technology they are going to have to learn to use properly. We have to help them learn. Forbidding them to have cell phones until .... Doesn't help them learn how to use it. Keep up the good work!

Well, that is certainly a way to rattle Mama!

It sounds like it's time for your daughter to internalize her own sense of ethics/morality since you can't possibly be there to observe everything she chooses to do. There's a marvelous little book that can help you learn to handle this, and all sorts of family issues with aplomb – How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

This practical book is loaded with real-life examples of how parents achieve a positive, empathetic connection with children of any age, while making their own needs and requirements clear. The authors show you exactly how to draw your daughter into the process of recognizing the implications of her choices so that she'll be more likely to make better ones. By the time you finish each chapter, you'll be equipped to put the lessons to work in your own family.

I can't recommend this gem highly enough. It's by far the best parenting book I've ever used, and many young families I've recommended it to would agree.

I agree that the problem isn't the phone itself, but with her morality in general. Don't feel like that's all your fault, you can do everything right as a parent and your kids can still end up doing weird things with their friends.

She needs a talk about her morality, and maybe she needs to learn a little bit about consequences. I would take the phone away for punishment, but give it back when she's earned it.

My SD has a phone and we have parental controls on it. She can't text or call after 9pm or before 8am unless it's a "trusted" name, and the only trusted names are her parents and me! I periodically check her phone for pictures and texts. You can also get spy software where you can see what she's doing on her cell phone without her knowledge AND you can even see what's been deleted. That software is geared toward monitoring your kids and for catching cheating spouses! It's not expensive either. I don't have it personally but I've known some people who do.

My husband thinks I'm nosy, but I keep a close eye on her. I never act on anything unless it's a red flag. For me it's important to know what she's doing and guide her in the right direction--before it's too late!

You're doing find mama! You're not overreacting, and shame on your mother for going behind your back! I would have some words with her if I were you!

I think your handling it just fine. Maybe she just needs time to mature a little bit more before she gets her phone back.

No, you are doing the right thing! But, you need to have a conversation with her AND your mother. She needs to know exactly what on the phone is wrong and what is not acceptable for your family.Your mother needs to know that your daughter is not being 100% truthful in her texts.

I snoop on my 13yo phone all the time. I found some rather disturbing images (that I am sure he did not see as he left his phone at home one morning and the messages came in after he left for school). THese images were from someone we didn't know and were advised by police to communicate with the person to lose the phone #. Anyway, my point is that you need to be vigilant. In my personal opinion, she is 11 and not entitled to privacy in certain areas. THis is one of them.

I would not turn off the phone, but I would take it away from her and make her earn it back.

Not over-reacting. Take the phone away. She will have a fit, if she's like most 11 year olds, that's for sure. Expect it. In fact, I would just tell her you've taken her phone because some of the texts and pictures you've reviewed are inappropriate. I would tell her you'll talk to her about it in more detail, AND about how soon she can have it back in a day or two. Expect her to want to discuss it, through all her tween anger and angst immediately. But hold off a day or two until the shock of it wears off for her, and she's calm. Probaby she will still very mad, but at least calmed down enough to hear you out.

Before you talk to your daughter, I would have a little sit down with your Mom, and make sure she knows you are aware she is undermining your authority, and to please stop. If you think she gets it, make sure your daughter knows she isn't allowed to ask Grandma for things Mom and Dad have said no to. And that Grandma now undrestands and agrees that she cannot give you those things. If you don't think your Mom gets it, you may have to limit her contact without your presence.

Then you have a big talk about all you've seen, and your concerns. The dangers of sexting, daring games, etc. Tell her you will be reviewing her communications at random. She is to make all of her friends informed that her phone is not "private" but subject to review and confiscation, and perhaps having numbers or features blocked by you at all times.

Sad that kids are losing innocence so young. I have an 11 year old daughter too. I worry about what it is like to be 11 in 2011. I would try not to be too hard on her, but be very, very watchful, and take the phone away for much longer periods of time if you notice any future issues. Good luck!

You did the right thing...ignorance breeds ignorance and you are not ignorant! You are smart mama who did exactly what you should have and shut it down. She needs to have a phone when she is not just reponsible enough to pay the bill, but responsible enough to not give into peer pressure.

Not overreacting in the least, I have given and taken away many cell phones. I think daughters are the worst with them, some of the things I have seen and read on my daughters phone would make a sailor blush. Go with your gut and protect your child, she may not like it but you are the mom and that's all there is to it. Children really do want to be protected even if they say they don't. Let's just all do our jobs and take care of the kids everything else will work its self out.
Blessings, D.

The first thing I would do is talk to your Mom, let her know that you found out what has been going on behind your back and that you are shocked and hurt by it. I am not much help about the cell phone thing, my kids are only 2 and 1, BUT I would take her phone away for awhile, maybe a month or 6 weeks. Let her know that if she is going to be using her phone to be goofing off with her friends and doing things that she knows are not right (like talking about you and your husband to her grandmother) then she will not be getting it back at all.

Can I lmao? So funny. BUT NOT! iI had the same problem with my 11 year old. I thought for a moment I was reading about myself. I decided to give her another chance.BUT this time with heavy rules. I thought I made strong rules the first time, But Im sure this time its clear. I do go threw her phone more often now. Have not had anymore problems. They are very young for that prevalige , I quess we need to be more respobible to! ;) GOOD LUCK! I hear alot of mom's saying why dose your 11 year old have a cell phone to begin with, Well mine dose because she has to catch a bus alone in the dark in the mornings and at times its dark when she comes home, So its my connection, We have a gps tracker in it, And its nice to be able to talk to her the whole times she waiting for the bus, You can't fight the time's!!!! I would hate they she didnt have one and god forbid something crazy happen! You can sta olfashion thats not a problem! But myself I can reach her at any moment. And so can the rest of the family. (We live in AK, thats why its so dark!)

Ugh - I've been this road (with my now 18 year old). Hindsight is always 20/20 and my hindsight says this: Teens do and say many, many things via text that they normally wouldn't. My advice to all parents of teens is this: after 9:00 - the phone goes to the parents room, and is shut off. It doesn't matter HOW good your child is - everyone else's child doesn't know the meaning of boundaries and will call and text at all hours. No good AT ALL comes from it. You can subscribe to a service that sends a cc of all texts and pics sent and received to an email account so that you can watch what is going on.

I agree with taking her phone away. I think you and she need to sit down and decide for how long (a month, 2 months, 3?) and then establish the rules before it is turned back on.

Times are different, and parents need to learn how to monitor and teach their children how to use technology appropriately, not JUST forbid it.

Good luck and lots of hugs. The teen years are SO heartbreaking!

I agree, take it for now, have a good talk with her. But remember kids will be kids-she will use someone elses phone while you have hers and you won't be able to access/see what is on that one. Give her back her phone with the understanding that you as the parent have the right to always check what she is doing-I always tell my girls that I can request copies from the phone company of the print out.
But please, keep this in your family. Do not go to the other families or your mom-you are teaching your daughter and not the rest of society.
Sad thing is that this generation has no clue of giving out too much information!! You must drill this into her before she gets out in the real world.

Kids do not have the capability to look at consequences of their actions. They do not know how to say "no" to their friends for fear of looking stupid. Do you really think a teenager has the reasoning capabilities of an adult?

They do not need to text their friends. They do not need to text their grandparents. A nice note in the mail or a phone call to their grandparents would be just as appreciated.

Yes, they will feel like they are the ONLY kids who don't have cell phones. They will tell you that you are the worst parents in the WHOLE world! They don't even need cell phones for emergencies anymore because all they had to do is turn to their right or their left and borrow someone else's phone to make a call because there are so many parents now who don't know how to say "no" to their kids and protect them from all the negative stuff that goes along with cell phones.

As a teacher, I had to continually tell parents to check online for the time of day/night that their kids are sending text messages. Most kids send text messages during the school day and late into the night. All while parents are thinking that their kids are so grown up and mature. Not. I can't tell you how many kids were extremely tired in class because of texting or playing games on their phones all night.

Your instincts are right. I would take it away in a heartbeat. You do not have her heart. You need to work on that for now. She will be angry, she will protest, she will rebel, but if you don't take it away, she'll probably do all those and way more. Once innocence is lost, you can never recover it. I'm glad you learned about this now before it had gone even further. She doesn't sound like she has much wisdom, and you need to protect her from herself. Huge lesson learned!

I think I'd react the same way if I was in your shoes--and completely healthy!

I think you are doing the right thing. Obviously 11 is not mature enough for a phone. You can try it again when she earns it back by showing responsible behavior. Our rule is my son can't have a phone until he has a job and can pay for it himself. Basically you are paying their allowance so you are paying for the phones not them. Once they have a job they are actually earning and paying for it themselves. Just my 2 cents.

OMG, you did the right thing. Ground her from the phone for two weeks. A good "talk" is in order as well. I would make it to where you can access her phone stuff from yours. Buy her a phone that just makes phone calls. The toilet is not so bad but the picture of the couple is the deal breaker. I tell my children (20, 10, 7) that their room and their stuff is subject to search, they are borrowing my space until they grow up. My daughter (20) hated it but I'd like to think that it kept her on her toes. She was caught with contraband several times in her growing up years. The "contraband" list changes as they grow. Nip this in the bud now. I would have a major talk with my Mother as well. Omitting information in my house is considered lying. Good luck with you. I hope you feel better soon.

I would take it away too much freedom for an 11 year old

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are handling this right. Too many parents (and grandparents) these days are more interested in being friends with their kids and not parents. As far as what your mother did behind your back...I've dealt with this myself. Please go to this website and see if any of this sounds familiar. The website is http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/. I wish I had heard of it sooner. I just kept excusing what my mom was doing all the while alarm bells were going off inside of me. Now my daughter is 19 and in college. She has had two drinking violations while on campus, and almost lost her scholarship. She quit working and is out of money. My mother keeps telling her what she is doing is normal for a college student and we shouldn't be upset with her. My mother also somehow took the blame for her drinking violations. I'm still trying to figure that one out. When she left home for college just 4 months ago, she had $4000 saved up and had a job. She left here with all the tools she needed to be successful. Now she is spiraling out of control, sadly with the help of my mother making excuses for her. PLEASE read the blog and see if you need to take drastic action. I pray for your daughter and family. God bless you.

First I would have a talk with her about what you saw and thenyes, I would turn it off for now. Kids grow up too fast, no real need for an 11 year old to have a phone just cause everyone else has one...good luck to you!

I can understand an 11 year old having a cell phone. However, there is no reason for her to have unlimited text. Maybe, her plan should be reduced to voice use only until she is old enough to be able to handle the responsibility.

I'd take the phone to the mother of your daughter's friend. She may not know what her daughter is doing. It'll piss of your daughter, but that's her problem. You'd feel horrible if something happened to that girl that could have been prevented.

And, your mother needs a serious talking to.

You def did the right thing. I really dont think kids should have cell phones until they are old enough to go do things with friends on their own. Like going to the park or to the mall. I am 26 and didnt have a phone til I was 18. I believe high school its the best time for that stuff. If she has a laptop then she already has a means to go and find crazy stuff. You are a good mom for stopping it and sometimes that is too much freedom! LOL!

Late answer: Not only have you done the right thing - it sounds like your daughter is actually really happy you intervened. She is probably unhappy about being groudned & the school play, but the rest....I think she's relieved.