UnHappy 5Yr Old

The other 2 have good points and counseling would be a grand idea. I understand that would be difficult with work and all, but worth it for you and the kids.

Ever watch Super Nanny? The naughty corner/stool WILL work for you.

Best wishes.

I remember when my parents split and my dad remarried. I was about your sons age. I remember having about half an hour playtime with my mom about twice a week (the same time and day). Nobody was allowed to interrupt, I had her individed attention this whole time. She had special toys put aside just for this playtime. We had hand puppets that she made from felt for each person in the family that were used to act out things that were bothering me. I don't remember all the toys, but I do remember it was a treat to play with them during this time with her. This may help your sons trust and bond with you, and give him a healthy outlet to release all that anger (the puppets or even action figures will work- one is you, his dad, his sister, and him).
I know it is hard, so very very hard. Just hang in there and be there for your kids. With my own divorce I learned that the kids were just as hurt and confused as I was.
I am not sure of where you live, but in Corvallis OR there is a place called OLDMILL. They have all kinds of programs for families going through hard times, and also for the kids. They are all about the kids there. They also will work with you on the finance part too(based off income and if you have insurance) It is a wonderful place.

I am glad that you are reaching out for help! You are all feeling pain and are stressed. I highly recommend that you find some counseling for all of you. From my experience with angry kids in this sort of situation I'll tell you that the pain is too deep for children to be able to change the way that they handle their anger without help. The anger and acting out can continue into adulthood.

I also have experienced and seen similar situations and found that a mother is also overwhelmed with their own pain and anger. This makes it necessary for her to have help both for herself and her children. In counseling you will not only have opportunity to heal you and be providing a way for your children to heal and to change the way they act but you will also learn skills with which to deal with your children's acting out.

Portland has a hotline to call for referrals. Perhaps Anchorage does to.

Who cares for your children while you're working? There are organizations who provide professional child care on a sliding scale. Your son could be in Headstart if he's not already.

I'm thinking that your daughter, since she's older, is in school. Talk with the school counselor. My daughter and her friend have received help from their daughter's school counselor.

Here are some ways to handle the acting out. Do not argue, ever with your children. When they are disrespectful they go to their room or into a time out. Be firm. When telling them something to do just keep repeating the same words or say nothing at all.

I know that doing this will be especially difficult for awhile. It is necessary that you stop whatever you're doing and deal directly with the acting out until it has stopped. Remember to turn off the stove. :) I've found that when I just stand in front of my grandchildren while looking them in the eyes they eventually give up and do what I saw. Sometimes it takes quite awhile. I've read and found it to be true to always look the child in the eye while giving them instructions. If it's safe to do so, squat or sit down to their level. Having a chair handy helps me.

Talk with your kids about this before you start doing it. Start with a sympathetic tone and share thoughts and/or feelings about their dad leaving. Keep the conversation at a child's level. Don't share grown up problems with your children. Focus on their needs. Sympathize with them. Agree that this is a rotten deal for all of you. Let them vent.

Then talk about the yelling and being argumentative. Say that they have a right to be angry but not to treat you disrespectfully.
Again allow some venting, if you're able to remain calm.

With some kids you can progress to discussing how do we treat people respectfully. They may be able to say that yelling and arguing are disrespectful. Lead the conversation where you want it to go. If this doesn't work stop it.

At the end of these talks which you can do over several days. Tell them what you are going to do to help them be respectful. If you realize that your reaction to their disrespect has also been disrespectful tell them that you're sorry and that you are also working on being respectful. Explain that respect goes both ways. As a parent you're going to send them to their room or to a timeout or whatever you decide to do. Before hand decide who you're going to manage the discipline. Tell them your rules. For example if it's a time out you will start over each time they get out of time out. Be prepared that the first few times may take an hour or more to enforce.

I was never able to keep my grandchildren in a time out. A tactic that I didn't try is to turn off the TV and prevent any other activity to go on. I also didn't stand near them looking them in the eye. I gave up too easily.

Then my daughter started sending them to their room until they could come out and sincerely say that they are sorry. She then gives them a hug and tells them she knows that they can be respectful or whatever rule they've broken. I can do that. It doesn't matter if they play with their toys or even watch TV. They purpose of the time in the room is for them to have time to calm down (mom too). Sometimes they come out obviously not having come to the conclusion of a sincere apology. Back in they go. These kids do process in their mind while they're playing. Rarely have I seen them actually watch TV. It seems to be on for white noise. And I've noticed that they playing is more handling toys and absent mindingly moving them around. They are thinking.

My daughter learned this technique from her daughter's school counselor.

I've noticed that when I'm not able to be calm and yell in anger myself I'm frequently feeling out of control myself. I am feeling powerless. That's where taking care of yourself comes in. Be sure to do some mommy time during the day and the week. Bring yourself to your core where you'll come to realize that you do have power and control.

Sometimes I role play in my mind what I'm going to do in situations. By going over and over the situation while giving myself a pep talk helps me to easier maintain a calm spirit. It's practicing what you want to do.

Another way to regain control of yourself is to give yourself a time out. You can do this before you've been able to manage the children's behavior. Tell them that you're angry and are going into time out; that you'll deal with the situation once you've calmed down. That's modeling a good behavior for them and will help you to retain control of your feelings.

Decide how you're going to do the self time out. Leaving the room when my daughter was a kid didn't work. It just caused her to panic and pursue me. It increased her anger. When I told her I was going to the bathroom or into my bedroom and I would leave the door open she handled that better if I did this early in the situation before we had both built up our anger. It works better with my grandchildren but I admit I have difficulty giving myself a time out.

I have learned how to just be in the room with my grandchildren without responding at all to their misbehavior. Often that in it's self calms them down. Often my granddaughter vents about things that happend in school or with her brother once she realizes that I'm not going to react to her growing hostility towards me.

Parenting is the most difficult job in the world. We aren't trained and babies don't come with instructions. What works for one child may only antagonize another. We try diffierent things until we find something that works. It seems we're having to constantly do this. It does get discouraging.

When we try something new we need to stick with it for days or weeks before we give it up. It takes time for us as parents and children to adjust. The technique may need some find tuning but stay with the initial concept. At first the child is apt to be even more angry as if to say "change back. I don't like this." That's a good sign that what you're doing could work.

Hang in there! Get as much help as you're able. call a hotline, talk with the school, read, find TV programs on mental health and parenting that may help and watch them. SuperNanny and DadNanny are very good.

If you believe in a higher being and that he has power you can talk with him. Or talk with someone you respect in your head. Doing so makes me feel less lonely. And I frequently do get helpful ideas.

I've begun to say, "may the peace of God be with you." This helps me and I hope others.

I would take some time and decide what is most important to each of your children. Make it a daily accessible thing that they really like to do or have.

Then have a family meeting with them. Tell them you realize that times are tough for them and they miss their dad and you being around all the time. And you miss it too. But nothing can be done about it.

Then the discussion about the arguments, yelling and screaming. Tell them how you feel.

Tell them you will no longer involve yourself in the screaming, yelling, or arguments. If some one yells, they will loose privileges. You will write it down, you will not discuss it. It will just happen.

You also will need to remember to not yell or scream. Very important, because then you will loose privileges.

Whatever method you use to curb the arguments, do it now before your kids are teens. And be consistent.

Your kids have every reason to be unhappy, scared and frustrated. Their world as they knew it is gone. Dad doesn't live with them any more. Mom is gone alot, working two jobs and when she is there she's not listening to her son, he's getting more and more frustrated and the only way he can get her attention is to get louder and more disruptive. Divorce/separation is not something that happens to the adults in a marriage, every one in the immediate and extended family and circle of friends feels the impact. The closer to the couple, the greater the impact. With that said, you need to make the time to do things with both of your kids on a daily basis. This can't be 'chore time' like fixing them dinner or doing their laundry or bathing them.. this is time to sit and read together, to play togther. Make time to do a weekend activity when you have more 'non working' hours in the day to do something without a strict time limitation. You don't talk about a parenting plan. One needs to be created, so Dad still has a time, place and responbility level in their lives. You say you're trying to do your best to keep routine and schedules the same and working two jobs to maintain your standard of living.... forget that, it's going to be different. What shouldn't change is your love and affection in the time you have. The standard should change so you have the time to give the kids their Mom. If you don't have a parenting plan, then you don't have a legal separation or divorce yet in the state of Washington. Go see your attorney or get one so your can begin the process for your kids' sake. Start listening and making the time to listen and interact with your son or you will have HUGE problems later. He will become more frustrated and you won't want to be around him... neither behavior on either of your parts is what you want out of this life. See a family therapist, where he can vent and someone with a non-biased point of view can help, can help your daugther, can help you navigate these rough waters and times. Dad needs to go as well, because things will be no different at his house unless he's spending the time, giving the love and attention to his kids as well. Keep your disagreements and conversations with Dad between you and Dad. Remember that these kids are his as well, that when you critize what he does, who he is.. you're critizing them as well, he is a part of their make-up. Ignoring a problem or behavior won't make it go away, it allows it to grow. Don't ignore your kids' behaviors or their pain or questions...

Try to schedule some time you can just hang out with him. Talk about how he's feeling about your split up with his Father. Let him express himself positivity. Maybe that will give him the outlet he needs.

Hi,

Your son is probably angry, frustrated, and scared. His dad left HIM and he is worried you might leave him too. If he is angry and mean, it won't hurt as much when you leave- all he has to do is harden his heart. Most young kids don't understand divorce. It shakes their world. You need to be the "strong" rock for him. Tell him that you will NEVER leave him and will love him no matter what he does. Then, show him by being firm, consistent- have rules with consequences and follow through EVERY time, and in control. It will get easier...

Of course he is going to be upset and angry about the change BUT, you must never let him think it's OK to react that way toward you. Give him all of the love and understanding through talk and hugs, but let him know every time that his behavior is not appropriate and he needs to stop it. Let him tell you how he is feeling so that you can help him understand what his emotions are doing, but don't let him use abusive behavior. Time out! When you want to talk nicer to me, I will give you what ever you need. This will show the younger one now, that she shouldn't use this method either.

the best thing that i can suggest is for u to try tellinbg him to make good choices instead of the bad choices that he is making also when he makes a good choice reward him for it and when he makes a bad choice tell him that if he cant make good choices that u will have to take away something that he values the most and that he will not get it back until he starts making good choices again

Please take him to a counselor or a homepath, ignoring him is just gonna make him try harder for attention. There's a reason he's doing this, but he needs help right now, IF you need a good one , just email me. good luck.

My almost 5 year old yells and screams at me as well. He also calls me names. (They're made up words, but he thinks they're bad words just the same.) I calmly tell him that I don't yell at him and that I won't speak to him while he's yelling at me. He isn't allowed to talk to Mom, Dad or other adults like that, its disrespectful.

Having said that, it doesn't work all the time. Next, I leave the room if I can (sometimes its in the car or I'm in the kitchen with the stove on. I ignore him which really makes him mad. The longer I don't respond the worse he gets until he finally realizes that he's getting nowhere and calms down.

My suggestion is to have your son leave the room if possible. Once he stops, he can come back then thank him for using his "inside voice" or better words. You can also explain that his sister really looks up to him and that you don't think that he'd like his sister yelling at him.

I'm sure you've also realized that his father not being at home is most likely one reason he's angry. If his dad is a good guy, you might suggest to him that he spend a little more one on one time with your son.

Good luck to you as you balance being a single parent and work.