Young 5's vs. Kindergarten

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1

I don't know what is best for my son. If I change him to kindergarten, am I putting my own selfish needs ahead of what is best for my son? Should I listen to my pediatrician and friends? Or, listen to the educators?

Our school year is about to begin. In the spring, I signed my son for a half day Young 5's class for this school year. He turned 5 last week. He has two solid years of preschool under his belt. Now, I am wondering if I should just put him in full day kindergarten class. My pediatrician says put him in kindergarten. My mom friends say put him in kindergarten. His preschool teacher wasn't certain; the preschool teacher said either would be fine. My teacher friends say stick him in Young 5's because in the long run, it's the best choice....which is what I thought when I signed him up this past spring. Everyone has a different opinion.

Why am I waffling back and forth? Well, my son is a busy boy. He is very smart and a handful. I have always kept him very close to me,. He is my youngest, my baby. I am not sure that he is ready for full time school. The thought of putting him in full time sounds great, because I would have seven hours of "me" time and both of my boys would be attending the same elementary school as opposed to different schools. A part of me doesn't want him gone for a full day yet. I thought redshirting him was best. Now, honestly, I just don't know what is best for him. My little boy keeps telling everyone that he is going to kindergarten and that he is going to the same school as his big brother. I told him that he isn't and he told me, "yes, I am." Maybe I should just listen to him?

I thought I made the right decision. I thought he may do better if I held him back a year and he matures more. Down the line in his school career, he would be one of the oldest kids in his class, graduating at 18-1/2 years old as opposed to 17-1\2. I thought my head and heart made the right choice. Now, I am not sure.

One of my closest friends who has been in my life for twenty years, told me that I need a break from him and he needs to be away from me. My friend sees me often and knows my life. She thinks that I coddle my son too much and that my son and I need a break from each other. If he doesn't do well in kindergarten, he can always be held back in kindergarten she says. This is a good point. She also told me that if he has another year of preschool which is what Young 5's is, he will not be challenged enough and I am doing him a disservice.

My husband says to listen to the pediatrician's advice.

What would you do if you were me?

2

‘A handful’ usually doesn’t have an easy time sitting and listening to a teacher all day.
Academically he might be ready in some areas but if he’s jumping around and distracting other students he’s going to get in trouble - and it’s miserable for him if he’s in the dog house all the time because of it.
Some kids are fine starting Kindergarten at a young five but for many that one extra year of maturity makes a HUGE difference in discipline, listening to the teacher, following instructions, getting along with peers, finishing homework assignments, etc.

3

I have 2 girls born in August. The first one, I put into K at the “right” (age) time… eventually, in 4th grade, it all hit the fan, and she really struggled. We moved (across the country), so we had her repeat 4th grade at that point. For her, it really helped. She just recently completed her Doctorate at Johns Hopkins School of Public Health and now holds a job as a Senior Contamination Engineer at NASA.

Daughter #3 also has an August birthday. We delayed her entry into K, and had her repeat (in a different program) preschool. She continued to struggle… she also has a lot of problems with ADHD, including many of the social difficulties. She continues to struggle with some social and anxiety issues.

My point? Even though we delayed the K entry for the 3rd daughter, she continued to struggle. She is very bright, but still struggles with some social things.

It is always a “balancing act” of what to do…

I do wonder, however, if it is you that isn’t quite ready for him to be all grown up… that isn’t a criticism… just an observation, based on what you’ve said, also. (". A part of me doesn’t want him gone for a full day yet. ") That is completely understandable…

I think I would be more inclined to put him on in K… academically, it sounds like he is ready. And… he might really surprise you, and rise to the challenge!

4

I’m going to tell you the same thing I told my niece in a similar situation. My opinion is parenting is a crapshoot a lot of the time. You have angst because you’re not sure the right thing to do. Very understandable. Nobody has the right answer because everyone is guessing. They just are more confident in their opinion. Kids are very resilient. He will do fine either way. You will be involved in his education and he will be successful.

I started my daughter at 5 in kindergarten. She will graduate at 17. She will start dual credit next year and probably have her associates degree when she graduates high school. I wonder if it’s the right thing to do all the time. She’s already younger and when she’s a junior in college she’ll be 2-3 years younger than the norm. Will it hurt her in the long run? I wrestle with it.

I wonder if she would have an easier time in math had I waited. I was standard age and had a hard time in math and my dad is an engineer.

I’m sure none of this helps particularly. Just wanted to let you know it’s going to be okay either way. I really believe you should discuss with your husband and come to an agreement.

Blessings!
Lori

5

He’s 5.

He’s supposed to start kindergarten this year…isn’t he smart enough to do it?

He deserves to be with his peers. The kids the same age as he is.

6

sweetie, it’s not like there’s a clear-cut line that divides the right answer from a wrong one. both of these have advantages.
from what you write, kindergarten seems a pretty easy choice to me. but you’re his mom. if you decide to go the other route, you’re not going to ruin him.
you cannot possibly predict what the repercussions will be when he’s 18. parent the child you have now. make your choice best on your best opinion based on the information you currently have available, and then quit agonizing about it and move on. trust that you’ll do just fine handling whatever problems or challenges arise as a consequence of your choice.
because you will.
khairete
suz

7

Go with your original plan, no regrets!

8

I have a July boy. Giving him an extra year to mature and be able to sit still was the best thing I ever did for him. Both his preschool teachers and his father and I agreed he needed it. The number of candles is irrelevant. And asking “isn’t he smart enough” is just rude. Is isn’t about smarts. My son has tested gifted and talented every time he’s been evaluated. It isn’t about winning at sports. It’s about doing what’s right for that child, and only you and his preschool teachers know what’s best for him.

9

When I read your own thoughts going into your decision to redshirt, you gave very good reasons that he is not quite ready socially and emotionally and you sound very happy with your decision.

Others in your life mean well, but they are not his mom. They do not see everything you see. Your mom is from a different generation with a different reality of what kindergarten is (Kindergarten used to me much less academic.) and a different cutoff date (if any). When I was 5 the cutoff in Illinois was Dec 31st. Now it’s Sept 1st. His pediatrician is a medical professional, not an educator. Your friend is being a good friend to your needs and letting you know that you could use a break. But the fact that she said he needs to be away from you makes me think that she would agree that he’s not emotionally ready for kindergarten.

It bothers me when people say, “He’s 5, so he should go.” We all know of people in their 20’s who think college is all about partying, while there are 15 and 16 year olds working very hard, hoping to earn scholarships. Age isn’t everything!

It also bothers me when people say that he can always repeat kindergarten. While it’s true, why would you want him to repeat anything. If you think he needs that extra year, give him that extra year with the kids he who will be in his class, his peers.

You know your son. His preschool teacher works with kids this age and knows (from experience) what kids need in order to succeed in kindergarten. If you want to listen to anyone, that’s the one person I would choose.

We decided to redshirt our son. I talked to so many parents (whose kids where in middle school and high school). Some sent them when they were 5, others waited and sent them when they were 6. Of those who sent them when they were 5, many were very pleased with their decision, but many said, “I wish we would have waited.” I have never heard anyone say, “I wish we would have sent him/her sooner.” Many people who send their 5 year old with a later birthday say that everything was fine at first. It was when they were in 4th grade or middle school that their child really started struggling.

Your “Mommy Gut” told you he wasn’t ready. It’s completely normal for you to want the people in your life that you trust the most to think you are making the right decision. But you know him best, and you were already happy with your decision. Trust yourself.

ETA - Whether he thinks he’s ready for kindergarten or not is completely irrelevant. He doesn’t have a clue what kindergarten is. My 5 year old told me last March that he was ready for kindergarten. I was shocked. Where did this come from? He goes to daycare full-time, and during the school’s spring break he noticed that none of the school-agers had to take a nap. He concluded Kindergarten = No Nap. He’s no dummy, but he also wasn’t in kindergarten yet. He is now, and so far, so good.

10

My youngest turned 17 this past June (starting his junior year today). He will be 18 his entire senior year in high school. It worked out great for us because he is dual enrolled which means he can stack up a decent number of college credits for “free” while he is still in high school.

On the other hand, if your 18 year old doesn’t want to cooperate and go to school (as a senior) legally there’s probably not much you can do. An acquaintance of mine had this problem.

We started my son in kinder at the “regular” age. We repeated kinder when we moved to another school. We felt it gave him extra time to mature. That being said, due to a visual processing disorder he still had some issues. We started homeschooling in 3rd grade.

My nephew is the youngest in his class (sophomore in high school) and does fine academically. My other nephew is only two months younger (my other sister’s child) and he is a grade behind. He does fine too.

My point is that either decision is probably fine. You’re worrying too much. Do what your gut says to do. If things don’t go well you can adjust accordingly.

Good luck.

11

Whether you coddle your child or not, you don’t make a kindergarten decision on that. You go by the child. Kindergarten has little or nothing to do with how smart academically a child is. It’s ALL about maturity and socialization. It also shouldn’t be about what YOU need and whether you will be able to fill the 7 hours of time. And it’s definitely not about listening to him and sending him to the same school as his brother! He’s 5, he doesn’t decide these things! It’s about what is best for him.

If you’re not sure, then you hold him back now and put him in with the young 5’s. If your anxiety is going to affect him, that’s not good at all, and it can make his adjustment much harder. Switching schools and learning to deal with transition while still having a half day is a great move. My son has a late June birthday, and we put him in a special pre-K program 5 days a week with a lunch option on 3 of those days. He learned to adjust to a new group, he felt he was with the “big kids”, he experimented with a longer day, and he had another year to mature. He graduated high school at 18, almost 19, and he was far more mature than he would have been otherwise. He had great leadership skills and confidence.

The idea that you should start him in kindergarten now because he won’t be challenged is so focused on academics, it’s ridiculous. And the suggestion that you start him and then separate him from his friends and peer group by holding him back to repeat kindergarten is insane! It can be done if something unexpected occurs, but to start our with that as a plan is just contrary to all educational advice you’ll get anywhere. I’d ignore your friend - I’ve never seen repeating kindergarten to be anything but stressful for all concerned, even if it’s the best option when a child has had a tough year of being too young for the group! Even if your friend is right that you coddle your child, it doesn’t mean you throw him into full day kindergarten knowing he is so young!

I absolutely never regretted redshirting my son. He had kids in his class who were SO young - some did okay (usually the girls) but many of the boys struggled with immaturity.

But it was always about him, not about me.

12

Based on what you have shared here I would send him to K. The only way I would keep a child in a younger class would be if he had delays, either cognitive or social/emotional. If he’s ready, let him fly!

13

ETA: Markasa, this isn’t to be picky, but something was sticking in my memory. I went back and checked-- just a few weeks ago, this was your description of your son and your worries about him being a ring bearer:
" However, my son is a very strong willed, temperamental boy who is unpredictable. I have already explained this to my nephew and his fiancee, but they just don’t seem to understand. My son can go into a meltdown mode for no reason. He can become mean and belligerent especially when there are lots of people around. This happens frequently in social situations."

Markasa, please keep him back for one more year. He needs that time to mature. My concern is that he would be held back with behaviors like this if you were to put him in K and that his first year in school would be fraught with a lot of incidents, frustration and stern talks from the teacher. If he’s having meltdowns spontaneously, he needs more time to mature. It sounds like he needs more time and support practicing his social skills and learning to respect those around him. Please, please give him more time.

original post:
First: Lori H, I loved your post.

I think you really need to go with your gut. Just because your son wants to do something doesn’t always mean he’s ready. As others have pointed out, Kindergarten is far more structured these days than it was ‘back in the day’ and a full day of following the group, being quiet when necessary, self-regulation-- it’s great if the kids have these skills walking in, because they do facilitate their learning (and the learning for other classmates as well).

If you feel like your son was a handful for his preschool teachers-- good idea to wait. Remember, kids usually behave differently for teachers than they might for parents, so if he was cooperative and able to listen to the preschool teachers, then I would consider letting him go to K. Otherwise, it’s really okay to wait a bit. Two of Kiddo’s playmates are a year older than most of the kids in their grade-- very nice kids, no one is any the wiser. Personally, I think waiting a year is preferable to repeating K and not moving up with friends.

14

I’ve learned over the years to stick with my first decision. If I were to go back and second guess myself I’d be in the state you’re in. Not good. In reality this is not a big deal. He will be just fine whichever class he’s in. There is no such thing as a perfect choice. Trust yourself and his ability to adjust.

When we go back and forth we are sressing both ourselves and our child. Everyone becomes anxious. We want our child to feel secure in our choices. We need to know that either choice is OK. We do not need to micromanage.

15

Both of my boys are fall birthdays, so they would either be the youngest or oldest in their class. I did not push to get my older son in K “early,” and it was a great choice. He could have handled the academics, but the extra year gave him social skills, the ability to sit quietly, the ability to focus on his work in a busy classroom, etc. My younger son’s birthday is very close to the cut-off, but we chose to give him the extra year with no hesitation. I think it can be a great choice, especially for boys.

16

I think the biggest reason you should put him in Kinder this year is because HE wants to go. That shows he is ready. Kids, even 5 year-olds, can adjust their behaviors plenty when they want something badly enough.

From everything you wrote, it sounds like the main reason you are holding him back is that you aren’t emotionally ready to lose your baby. That’s understandable, he’s your last, but you have to do what’s best for him.

Ultimately you know him best. I think, as some mentioned below, that it will be fine either way. I think this generation of parents (myself included) really does overthink some things. But my vote is to let him go to school with his big brother.

17

If the pediatrician says he’s ready and HE is actually ready, then put on your big momma panties and send him to school. You need to choose what is right for him, not necessarily you. It sounds like he really wants to go and is ready to go. Let the little bird fly.

My DD is also a young 5 and we sent her on ahead. Not entirely a smooth year, but she could not have stayed in the same pre-K anyway. They admitted she was too academically advanced for them. He’s had 2 years of preschool. I’d give it a try.

ETA: A friend redshirted her son who was JUST at the cut off and I didn’t redshirt my daughter who is just a few weeks older. If he is very immature, that would be a reason to keep him back, but having not kept my daughter back (who had her own challenges) I also say that sometimes people get caught up in the “perfect” time or the “perfect” solution. You say they haven’t started yet. So call the school. Talk to them. Talk to a kindergarten teacher or the counselor or the principal. Why not ask if you are so conflicted? My sister’s K teacher wanted her held back, as she got very shy - but our parents also divorced that year. My mom went to the new school, talked to them, and they placed her in a first grade classroom with some pre-first kids (their program) and watched how she did. IMO, it may help you either be at ease where he is or make a change if you talk to the school about it.

18

If everyone who knows this child and is actually in the profession of caring for children (his pediatrician, the preschool teacher, etc) say he is ready for Kindergarten, then there should be no hesitation on your part. Put him in Kindergarten. The studies have shown that red-shirting kids who are ready for K does NOT help in the long run. The only reason you should delay his start in K is if he is clearly not ready (developmental delays, etc).

19

Looking over the other responses it seems very clear to me. If he can’t handle being a ring bearer then he isn’t ready for Kinder. No need to even think about it anymore with your description of him in that post. But that is just my opinion and I don’t even know your child, only you and those closet to him really have any insight into this decision.

I am always puzzled when parents look to their pediatrician for advice on stuff like this. How well does he or she know your son? I have never really valued parenting advice (unless it was medical of course) from a doctor my kids might have seen for a few minutes each year. Decisions like how long to breastfeed, where my child sleeps, when and how we potty trained and when they started school were based on my own research and what my husband and I thought was best.

You know the answer, just listen to your mother’s intuition and you’ll make the right choice.

20

There is absolutely no evidence that red shirting a five year old helps them in ANY way at all, academically or socially. I would send him, no questions at all. Younger kids in a classroom learn from their older peers. Older kids in a classroom benefit the younger ones, but reap no benefit AT ALL of being the oldest.