My step daughter got married a month ago yesterday and she has not sent out Thank you cards at least to her fathers family, my family nor any of our friends. We are talking about 10-15 cards max. I have tried asking, begging, pleading and her father has reminded her several times. I have even told her I would help to try to get at least the ones that I need done. All I get from her is she knows she needs to get them done. When she was young I would make her sit at the dining room table until they were done but now she's almost 24 and the mother of a 16 month old so I don't feel I can make her do anything. They did not want presents so everyone gave them checks and in somes cases it was a couple of hundred dollars. Many of these people asked me who to make the checks out to and I gave them her maiden name thinking they would have access to the money right away rather than waiting for the marriage certificate. She still has not cashed any of the checks and said she wants to wait until she gets the certificate so she can open a savings account. Why wait most of the checks are in her maiden name. We are talking about $2400.00 By the way she hasn't worked in almost 2 weeks. She was having trouble getting to work on time and her job told her to switch back to a later shift or quit and she choose to quit. I have purchased the thank you notes and made labels for the addresses. Should I just send them out myself so at least they know someone appreciates the cards and money...I could say she asked me to help....or am I expecting too much from her to get these cards done. Maybe I should just stay out of it but I don't know what to say when my 80 year old grandma asks about us me about it again.
Do people really ask, "Where's my thank-you card?" Those who do should be directed to her, because that is her responsibility and not yours. In fact, it would be terribly rude of you to send them out on her behalf. Take the ball out of your court. If YOU want to thank YOUR friends for their support, then you can, but that's from you and not your daughter.
This might sound extreme, but she actually has up to one year to get them out. She could whip out 15 notes, but what would she say so soon? Quite honestly, I prefer to get a thank-you that tells me how my gift was used/spent, instead of just "Thanks for the gift."
When your 80-year-old grandma asks you about the cards, tell her that only your daughter can answer to that.
As Dear Abby would say - a late thank you note is better than no thank you note.
However, on a totally different subject - has your step-daughter seen a dr lately? Sounds as if she could be battling depression on some level. Something to consider.
Ditto, Heather.
It is frustrating, but not your problem. Let it go. She is a grown married woman. Sounds like she is depressed. Which is not unusual right after a wedding... Her husband should take over the thank you note situation and make sure his wife goes to the doctor.
I'm sorry, but this is her responsibility and her failure if she doesn't get them out. If anyone thinks it reflects negatively on you if you step daughter doesn't send out thank you cards, then it's their problem. If you want to help facilitate the card writing offer to babysitter so she can have an hour to write out the cards. People find time to do what's important to them, but with a 16 month old, she probably has difficulty find quiet time to think. I agree with the previous poster, if you want to thank your friends and family for being supportive of your step daughter, then do so, but that's not the same thing has her thanking them for their present. I hope you don't get too stressed about this, even if she never sends them out it's her decision not to do so.
Hi Sabina-
I agree with everyone else that this is her responsibility. But I will add that I didn't have any thank you notes mailed in the first month after my wedding and I didn't have any children at the time. Now, it was over 10 years ago and I had about 200 to write, but I'm just sure I did not have any done after only 1 month! I remember very clearly setting a goal for myself to have them all out by 6 months and I actually did it by 4 months. As someone else said, the rules of etiquette give her up to 1 year to send thank you's.
Best of luck,
Karen
I feel your pain! I've had the same issues with my daughter, but I think it was just after baby showers. For a long time I felt embarrassed that she didn't thank my friend or family member. I had to figure that if it really bothered them they may not ever get her another present and that would be her consequence. I just had to keep trying to stay out of her responsibility. I've always been overly responsible (like where others should be) anyway.
Recently I had a 50th birthday party for my sister and I figured she would be slow to send thank yous. I decided right away to send out notes of thanks for attending with photos I took of the guest at the party. It was appropriate since I wanted to send them the photo anyway. She finally got some thank yous out, but not to all, as I didn't get one. :-)
Things have really changed from yesteryear. When I think about all the times I've entertained and requested an RSVP and didn't get it, it's upsetting. Even for both of my children's weddings, people didn't RSVP! How do you plan and prepare if you don't know how many may come, 30 or 80? Of course, there are last minute problems but guests should tell the hostess whether to expect them or not. It's just common courtesy. I recently hosted a baby shower and put "Regrets only" with 3 phone numbers they could choose to call. I planned to have lots of guests and bought supplies and food accordingly. But about 18 people chose not to call or attend!
A couple in my family recently celebrated 50 years of marriage. The RSVPs were required for entrance into a military base reception hall and the food would cost the couple whether the guest attended or not and no food could be taken home. Some people added uninvited guests when they RSVPed, even one said 6 others were coming! And many others didn't even show after their food was paid for.
I know many are stressed and depressed but come on, have some courtesy!
Sorry, Sabina. I got off your subject but it's the same type of thing. I pray you can live the serenity prayer on this one.
Don't do it for her. You can talk to her one last time and let her know that one of the givers asked about it because they were about to cancel the check, assuming that it had been lost. Maybe if she thinks the gifts may disappear if she does not acknowledge them, she will go ahead and do it.
As far as the job goes, as long as you are not supporting her financially while she is out of work, she needs to find her own way with that. It can be really hard to watch but sometimes you have to let them fall on their face before they learn, we had to do that with my 23 yr old stepdaughter. She's grown up A LOT in the past year because we stopped swooping in to save the day. She is better for it. Hang in there!
Well my mother-in-law is a wedding coordinator and an etiquette queen and says that the rules of etiquette say you have one year to get those cards out. I know that seems long, but like I said that is her business:) I think that a month is very early to worry about it, it is a big deal to get married. I think I did mine around 5 or 6 months after, which I will say was a bit long I thought, I just had a full plate at the time! Now as far as all the other stuff goes, I say give her a break and see how she handles everything. Her life may seem to be falling apart a little bit in some areas but she is a new wife and I am guessing first time mommy and it takes some growing up and maturity to handle it all. She can only get her experience and maturity by living life and dealing with whatever consequences come her way, don't rescue her, let her prove to herself and you she can handle it:) I know that is what has helped me the most! Have a great day:)
Leave it alone. She's a grown up and next time she needs something those who gave so generously will think twice. She'll learn it's better not to burn bridges.
Don't do it for her and don't cover for her either. My in-laws did that for my sister-in-law for years and all they did was enable her. if someone asks, I would says, "Well. I bought her all the material. She hasn't done it yet. Why not call her?" I am sure most people won't - how is going to call and say, "Hey. I haven't received my thank you card for the $200 I sent you." because it is an unspoken rule that you just send the cards.
I would ask her how she would feel if she gave a check to (pick someone) and never heard from them. Lay the guilt on a bit thick if you have to. How about her husband? Why not get him to write them too? She is now married, it is not just her job is it?
I don't think you can force her to write them like you did when she was younger, but you can certainly tell her that seeing you helped her buy them etc. that you expect her to respect you and her father and write them.
I can understand you wanting to push, but Ms. Emily Post says that wedding thank yous can be sent anytime in the year after the wedding takes place. This has been the rule for a LONG time, not changed recently, so even your 80 year old grandmother should understand that. Yes, she needs to send them out. But you nagging (and I'm sorry to use that word, but that's what the constant asking/begging/pleading/remdinding feels like to a young woman) isn't going to help her get them out sooner. And no, I don't think you can do them for her. She needs to do them.
As for the checks...yes, she really should cash those, though I can understand her wanting to wait and open an account.
Traditionally, she has a year to do this. She should get it done. But, it's not your responsibility. It's hers. If she never does it, it's not your fault. It's hers. If Grandma doesn't like it, agree and change the subject. It's not your problem, or it shouldn't be.
As far as the thank you notes, it's not your responsibility. As far as not cashing the checks because of the name change, she just might find that the money won't be there anymore with some of them. People's financial situations change suddenly and abruptly these days, some don't balance their checkbooks, etc. Another thing, i don't like when people hold on to checks that long. I want it through my account so its not out there in limbo, and i have to keep checking if its gone through. Yes, i know the money is gone once i have written the check, but i still don't like them to be held more than a few weeks.
Things have changed, but older folks(usually the ones with the $)expect them. My dad is 70 and he gave 2 checks last year for graduation to 2 cousins. When i told him about 4 months later that one was pregnant, he said "Well that doesn't surprise me, i never did get a thank you note for that $100 My first thought was "What does that have to do with anything?" but i didn't say anything. I didn't even feel like having that conversation, but i am sure that he somehow equated it with being irresponsible. I'm not saying its right, but obviously it bothered him about the note.
Besides people like to know that you got money and it didn't get misplaced, go missing, whatever.
The thank you cards are not your responsibility, they are hers to do. Give her time, once everything calms down she will hopefully write them, if not, there is really nothing you can do. Maybe I am wrong, but I thought the proper ettique was you got a year to get them done. If she doesn't do them, then it will reflect bad on her not you.
Hi Sabina....I'd stay out of this. Your step-daughter is a grown woman and needs to handle this on her own, her way. If she never sends the thank-you's out, she'll have to suffer any consequences. Considering you say she only has 10-15 to send out, my opinion is that they're sent out in a timely manner, but again, that's her choice to make. I wouldn't send them on her behalf...it's not your responsibility to do so. She has to grow up sometime! :O)
When Grandma asks, hand her the phone to call the step-daughter!
As for quitting her job, perhaps she's decided to be a stay at home mom for awhile? Certainly nothing wrong with that choice if it's affordable. Continue to support & love her, but let her find & lead her own path.
Well, as step-mom (as I am myself) sometimes when you "harp" (though it's only in an effort to help) it gets misread. Whether she is your biological child or not, it's best to stay out of it. She's grown enough to have babies and get married, she needs to be responsible. You and I both know that we can teach our children the right thing to do and not to do, but they all have minds of their own. Surely she will get around to it.
As for waiting.....I wouldn't if I were her. She can open the account and then change her name on the account after she gets her name changed. I just remarried almost two years ago. And, the marriage certificate is not enough to put the account in her "married" name.....Besides, people don't like checks "hanging" in their register.....they want to clear it up....
Good luck....I know it's hard.....but, bite your tongue.... and when people ask, give them her number and tell them how much she would love to hear from them.....and they can ask about their check that hasn't cleared.
No offense, but this is not your problem and is not a reflection on you. Stay out of it, return the thank you cards you bought to the store, and if your 80 year old grandma asks about it, tell her to ask the bride. You're not doing the bride and her new husband any favors by treating them like they are still 5 years old. If they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to face the consequences of being thought poorly of if they fail to send out thank you cards.
I dont meant to sound rude when I say this but all these things are her problem. If your friends ask say you did the best you could shes a grown woman its up to her! Does she realize that some checks are void after 90 days. Again this is her problem and you should stay out of it like you thought. BTW It took me four months to write thankyou notes, we either included how we spent money or how we planned to do it. We had 140 ty to write. If she never writes them forgive her and move on. Good luck.
I would be more concerned about the state of mind and health of your daughter than getting the thank you notes in the mail.
She sounds depressed and/or overwhelmed and those issues only she knows. It could be something very small--but--big to her.
It is not your responsibility to rescue her by doing the cards.
Blessings to you in handling this with loving hands and open heart.