I need to chime in. It seems to me that late (and late is even up for debate) thank you cards are just a symptom of a larger problem. It sounds like she is struggling, whether it be with depression or adjusting to married life. Take some time with her to see if you can get her to open up. She needs some help.
I don't think you are expecting too much. I think I would write them myself and sign her name. I would tell her that I was doing it first. Maybe that will give her more incentive to do them, but if not she won't send out ones later and they will all be wondering why they got two. There's a huge possibility that some of these people may be invited to a baby shower or kids bday in the future, you may want to tell your daughter you won't be comfortable inviting these people if she can't thank them properly for the gifts they give. Just a thought...good luck.
She sounds completely overwhelmed and (perhaps) depressed. Major life changes...baby, marriage...still living at home?? Job change....
The thank you's are MINOR. She has a year...leave her alone. Try to resist micro managing her. Babysit. give her some space, peace, and support. Sounds like she really needs it.
Good luck.
Congrats on the wedding! She sounds very overwhelmed. I feel for her also. She does have a responsibility to say thanks for her gifts regardless. I like the idea of sending out the cards for her also. I would tell her in advance. I would also try to talk to her from the givers' point of view. The givers need to know that their gift was received and not lost or something. They also need to know that the gifts were appreciated, especially during these times.
She can deposit those checks under any name, and she HAS to get them in the bank before they expire and so people can balance their accounts. I would sit down with her and do it together. Just firmly say that you'll help her, here is the stuff to do it, and do it.
I think Thank You's should be sent as soon as the gift has been opened, but I'm a true stickler for Thank You notes & letters. It is inappropriate for you to send a Thank You on her behalf. Some say you have a year to send them, but I disagree. Thank you notes should be sent within two weeks of receipt. Unless they were on a honeymoon when the gift arrived. In either case, a month is a bit long. I would just simply state the rules of correct behavior & leave it at that. As for the checks, again, I disagree with her behavior, but she is a grown woman & needs to handle both the checks & thank you notes herself. Apologize to your friends & family, tell her what you think, and then let it go. You can always suggest people call her to ask if she received their check, etc... maybe that will prompt her to go to the bank & let people know she received & appreciated the gifts. Otherwise, you've done all you can.
I would say that you have done all you can and should just probably let it go at this point. Your step daughter may be overwhelmed with everything going on in her life and this may not be a priority at this time. Do not feel like it is a reflection on you and your husband. You have been nice to offer your help and to buy the cards and address them. But I think that is all you can do without crossing the line. If anyone asks about the gifts all you can do is respond that, yes, the gifts have been received and are greatly appreciated and leave it at that. I know this puts you in an awkward position, but like you said, you cannot physically make her write the notes. She will do it on her timetable. Again, you have been very helpful but she, or her husband, has to do the rest.
Not only is this 24 year old lazy, selfish and inconsiderate, she is also stupid. Does she not realize that personal checks have a limited time that they are valid? She owes these people the courtesy of cashing their checks so they can keep their check books balanced. It would serve her right if when she finally decided to open the account and tries to deposit the checks that she is told that the time limit has expired and the check is no longer any good, and good luck getting the person who sent it to send another one that she won't thank them for. Since you asked, I'ed go ahead and write notes to those you know about and express the appreciation of you and your husband for their generosity and apologize for her being so lax in her courtesies. What does this girl do all day if she does not work? And, what;s wrong with the husband writing the notes? If he would get involved, I'll bet he could get her to do it.
I'm going to be blunt here. Stay out of it and bite your tongue. It's not your concern or your life. It's her life and you cannot tell her how to run it. You're crossing the line by trying to take things into your own hands. You've already said your peace. Leave it at that. Harping on it is just going to add more to her stress and it sounds as if she needs comfort not nagging. If you or others don't like it that the cards haven't gone out yet then that's your problem, not hers. Everyone is not cut from the same cookie cutter. She will get them out when she can. My daughter's MIL tries to run her and my SIL's life by telling them what to do and how to do it and it's an incredible amount of unnecessary and unwanted pressure to have to deal with. If she's already having emotional issues, sharing your anxiety over something like this is only making her feel worse. I know it's hard to cut the apron strings but you have to let her live her own life, by her own rules. Good luck to you both.
I believe that you have a year to write wedding thank you'd. This seems excessive, but I wouldn't worry too much that it has just been a month. Whether or not she writes thank yous is on her, not you. It takes a while to get your bearings after a huge life change and with the baby, marriage, and job loss, that's a lot to adjust to. She's an adult now... If someone asks about the checks, I would just say, "thank you forgiving them such a generous gift! I'll let her know you were wondering if she was going to cash it." and then do that... That's really all you can do. You don't want to damage your relationship with her over this and you constantly reminding her may be causing her to subconsciously rebel and not do it. About the checks, they were a gift to her... Her call when she cashes them. If she loses out on some of the funds, that's a lesson learned. For those who gave checks, it's a risk they take that they might not be cashed for awhile. The checkwriters should contact her directle if they want them cashed right away. Hope this provides some perspective...
She is an adult - she needs to take responsibility for it. Sounds like the past month has been rough for her - quitting her job has probably increased her stress. All you can do is offer to help mail them. Maybe offer to watch her 16 month old so she can sit down and write uninterrupted. When she chooses to cash and deposit her checks is her business. (Although I agree with you she should do it right away, so none of the checks bounce!) There are going to be alot of times you disagree with how your daughter chooses to do things - nagging her will only make her not want to do it your way. Look for ways to encourage her - cook her a meal or baby sit so she can have a night out with her husband. I wouldn't mention the thank you cards again. If grandma asks, tell her to ask your daughter about it. Maybe if grandma asks, she'll get embarrassed enough to do it. Try to let it go and focus on encouraging and loving your daughter.
Hi Sabina,
I would stay out of it! You raised her well, she knows what to do. She has a plan so let her continue as she is grown & a mother herself. If you were to send out the thank yous it would be embarrasing for her and will probably cause resentment. And respond to your 80 year old grandma by simply telling her the plan. She has every intention on sending out the cards but she is waiting for her certificate and plans to cash the checks soon. Take up for her and you will feel better for it. I hope this helps. You raised her with good morals, I'm sure you will see as time goes on. She is still young and learning how to be an adult takes time.
Stop attempting to mold this young women into who you think she should be. It is what it is. You are her (very young I might add) step mother. If she has bad manners, so be it. But she has 11 more months before she is considered ill mannered. Accept her for who she is, and you will be less frustrated.
Now that she is married, your relationship is changing and change is hard. Give her love, support and encouragement. Give advice only when she asks for it. If she asks for help, then help her if you can. If anyone asks about uncashed checks, give them her phone number. Sending thank you cards is proper, but it is not the end of world if it doesn't get done. Enjoy being a Grandma and allow yourself to let go of the responsibility of taking care of your daughter.
Blessings,
Kathy
As hard as it might be, it's best to abide by boundaries and let your step-daughter send out the thank-you cards. You have done more than enough with addressing the envelopes and reminding her. She is an adult - perhaps a bit ungrateful and lacking in manners - so it's her responsibility. Have you asked husband if he could help with the thank-you cards?
I think she is having some issues with baby, job, marriage, growing up...everything all at the same time.
Not all 23 year olds are grown up and capable of seeing consequences. If it were me, I would give her a little space and tell her to let you know if she needs help with anything.
You need to take a quiet, supportive role and know that what she does is not a reflection on you or your husband.
My sister was 25 when she got married the first time. She never sent out thank yous....she never sends Christmas cards, or birthday cards to anyone. She got into financial trouble once, we helped her, she never thanked us....we will not help her again.
She is self-centered even though she was NOT raised that way. But we still love her b/c she is family. When grandma asks next time, you could tell her that you can't control the situation, but you still love them. And leave it at that.
Hi Sabina,
Sounds like your talking about a little girl still under your wing.Shes a grown woman and if she chooses not to send out these thank-you card its on her.As much as you don't want to look bad its not your duty any more to tell her what she should or should have done.
So yes eazzzz your mind and learn to stay out of her buisness.Put your focus into your husband and your grandchildren.
I think it would be good for you just to be there for her, and let her know how how good of a mother she is and all. Sometimes just a helping hand is all it takes. Now if she does not get the thank you cards done then help her fill them out or something.
Lynda
You have told her now it is time for you to leave her alone.
It is her life. Sounds like she will probably screw up on several different areas. Thank you notes are probably the least of the problems. You have to let her fail. As hard as that is...
you should just let it be. it is her responsibility now, she needs to grow up some. i know that they are important to you but that may not be a priority to her. they were their gifts. but i do think she should go ahead and cash them, people may be waiting for them to clear the bank...but stand back and let her take the heat, if grandma asks again just tell her to ask her..so maybe she will get the picture.