Trouble getting Husband to understand Medical Problem

Family & Parenting Marriage & Relationships
1

Hello Moms. Delivering my now 5yo caused Neurological Damage to me. Ever since then I get Horrendous Headaches that I take a slew of meds for. There is nothing Drs can do except try to manage the pain. Different trigers cause diff severities. My biggest trigger is Cologne, Perfume, inscense, anything aerosal...one of these headaches can leave me writhering in pain for a month. Well, my husband just recently got custody of his oldest two children; a 12yo boy and 9yo girl. The boy likes to wear cologne and his mother buys it for him and lets him bring it her, and they all know that I ABSOLUTLY CANNOT be around it. I don't even have to smell it before I get a headache.

I have had a headache for 2 days now and I have taken my meds and I couldn't figure out what caused it. Until my daughter found the bottle of cologne on my son's floor (while I was searching for a diff med to take). My headaches get so bad I loose my vision; which caused me to get into a very minor accident today (with only my 2yo in the van)...I bumped into a White truck I couldn't see.
I just spoke with my husband on the phone about it and he says "How do you know it is from his cologne? Don't say anything to him about it" Well, they know that stuff gives me headaches and I feel like they are purposefully making me sick.

I don't know what to do at this point. I can't continue to live with a family that continuously makes me sick for thier enjoyment. Wearing Cologne in my house is not something that he HAS to do, I have told him and told him to put it on outside when he is waiting for the bus. My hubby backs our son and says he should be allowed to wear it and so do his mother. I feel that my only option is to leave my husband, which I don't want to do...I DESPERATLY need help

I have been to Chiropractors, they can eliminate the pain of the headache after 2 visit a day each day for 3-4 days. Seeing a Chiropractor on a weekly basis does not prevent the headaches at all. We know that they are not Migranes (according to the Dr) b.c the migrane meds make them worse. I currently take Neurontin (anti-siezuire med), Fioricet (sp), anti-inflamitory, and Tylenol #3 for them. I have taken muscle relaxors in the past but I can't take them now b.c of the toddler running wild :) MRIs (with and without Dye), EKG, EEG, CT Scan, and blood work have not shown the cuase or problem. The Drs believe it is Neurological b.c after the headaches started I started to have seizures in my uterus which the Neurontin was orignaly prescribed for.

2

I feel so bad for you having these problems. I don't think leaving your husband is the answer. Especially since he just got custody of his children. They need stability now, not the home being torn apart. But they also need to have respect for you and your health. As well as your husband. Your health should be a top priority to him. It sounds like they don't respect you or take this problem seriousley. Would it be possibe to have them accompany you to the doctors? Maybe if they hear from a doctor that this is a real problem then they might take it more seriously. You need to make them understand that this is a real condition and they are putting your health at risk. Maybe if they hear it from the doctor then they might be more inclined to take you seriously. Good luck to you and I hope this works out for you. God bless!

3

Is it the smell of the cologne or the gas that makes it aerosol? If it's the cologne he should definitely put it on outside. If it's the propellant, would it help if he took the cap off and applied it a different way? I know it may seem like it, but I doubt they are making you sick for their own amusement, as you put it. I would talk to your step son and explain that while you like the smell of the cologne, it's making you ill. Make sure he knows that it's not his fault but that you can't have that stuff in the house. If you're husband doesn't back you up, that's too bad on his part. It is your house too and you have a medical condition. End of story.

4

It might help to look up all the dangers of the chemicals in synthetic perfumes--I think the Environmental working group has info on this as well as the Organic Consumers Association and s how this to husband and kids.these chemicals are extremely toxic--especailly the stuff that makes it stick and last forever that is most toxic. Natural perfumes for example fade fairly quickly. No one should be wearing this junk especially a child as it could effect his development. We who are chemically sensitive are the canaries in the coal mine--we are just showing what is bad for everyone! I had a friend whose first husband did not respect that she had allergies and sadly it was a major factor in ending their marriage. You need to be firm and not back down --you cannot function with headaches all the time! Ask him if his son being able to wear cologne is worth destroying your marriage. It is completely not necessary and won't help for him to apply it outside as it will follow him everywhere! And don't stop at the son's cologne--get rid of ALL chemical scents in your home--detergents, cleaning products(use baking soda and vinegar!), fabric softeners, so called air fresheners, pesticides,nail polish etc. You are probably sensitive to additives in food also--MSG is a big one for me and headaches. And it is in almost all processed foods--sometimes disguise with other names such as hydrolized soy protein. It will get better if you can follow these steps--I rarely have headaches anymore.

5

First off, I'm so sorry for your difficulties. I, too, suffer from migraines, quite frequently. I know how debiliatating they can be!
Now, your husband is sounding extremely selfish and really like a very not nice word I won't use here. But you can imagine. He should CARE about you enough to say, "don't bring the cologne here, period". It shouldn't be this big of a deal.
I would DRAG your husband with you to your next doctor's appointment (make one for a very near date, if you don't have one), so that you can discuss these debiliatating headaches with your doctor in his presence, and so that he can HEAR for HIMSELF, from the DOCTOR, what to do to avoid your triggers. If it humiliates him, so what. He's putting you thru much worse by not standing up for you & your health.
Not to mention that you have a young child in your care, and I know how extremely difficult it is to try and deal with a toddler while in the midst of one of these headaches. It's not fair to you, that you have to suffer so, just so a tween can wear some flipping cologne. He shouldn't wear it at all, at your house. He shouldn't even BRING it in your house. If your husband can't understand this, and refuses to put your health concerns ahead of his selfish son and himself, then I see no other alternative for you than to leave the situation.
You can't jeopordize your health, and the safety of your other child(ren) in your care, because of something so petty. I hope you can resolve this issue with him soon...for your sake. Good luck and update us.

6

Sindy,

That is tough. Is there some kind of dramatic visual you could do to help him relate? As if running in to the back of a truck isn't enough. If there was some way to make him understand by him going through something similar. I can't imagine what I would do in your situation. Is there anything that your doctor can write up or do to have your husband get the picture. Sometimes the same info coming from someone else makes them get it.
I can relate to you in the hours your husband works, mine works M-Sat with almost the same hours as yours. It can be very hard.
You know I may have something that may help with your headaches. There are a couple different ideas I have, let me know if you would like more info or just need someone to support you emotionally through this time.
I am probably stating the obvious with my above suggestion, I just don't know what else to say.

7

Hi Sindy, I would sit down with your husband and his son and explain to them how badly the colonge is affecting you. I agree with you there is no reason the boy can not step out of the house and put it on before school, that will not hurt him at all! Another thought take them to the doctor with you and have him explain whats going on, maybe then it will sink in. Good Luck to you Cassandra

8

Well if hubby is gone all week and you are left in charge---do just that take charge---don't let the 12 year old bring colonge or perfume or any thing else in the house, that makes you sick---if hubby doesn't like it I would suggest to him to find a baby sitter for his children until which time he can watch them himself. If he doesn't think enough of you to put his foot down and insist his children have compassion for you and himself I would find other living arrangements.
good luck

9

Dear Sindy,

I'm so sorry to hear about your headaches. I've had migraines all my life, and that's what your headaches sound like to me. they can be very closely tied in to hormonal changes. No matter what I did, nothing seemed to prevent them.

My life long best friend's sister is an integrative M.D. In other words, she is an M.D. who also studies homeopathic and holistic treatments. She was a pediatrician for years, specializing in children with behavioral and learning disorders. The children in her practice ranged from kids with minor ADD issues to the severely retarded. She really didn't like the idea of pumping her patients full of medication at such young ages, so she began to learn about a more natural way of healing.

For over 30 years, Sandy (the doctor) told me that I should stop eating all wheat, sugar, and dairy products. I thought she was crazy. Last February I had a health emergency and no insurance coverage. I went to see Sandy to get some kind of help (she worked out payment arrangements with me), and she asked me to please try her dietary advice for just two weeks. She said, "If you don't feel better after two weeks, then it's not the plan for you." I was so sick, and had so many chronic problems, I decided to give it a try. I had no choice.

In the first week, I felt deprived, and wondered how I would ever be able to follow her advice. Wheat and dairy seemed to be everywhere. By the middle of the second week, I felt so much better, I knew this was the plan for life, for me.

I had migraines and other serious headaches at least twice a month, and more often than not, I had them once a week. No other treatment had ever worked for me. I had other pain issues, too, but I won't go into that now.

I haven't had a migraine since I began Sandy's plan. Not one. Even my old triggers don't cause them any more, and I had a lot of triggers. Like you, certain scents (perfumes, incense, ~ plug-in air fresheners were the worst!) would start a full blown migraine that would last for days, with or without pan medications (including narcotic meds).

If you are interested in giving the Dr. Sandy Plan a try, I'll be glad to give you the information about it. We are now working on a web site for the plan, where patients and other people who follow the plan will be able to share recipes and give each other tips about working with the diet.

Just send me a private message if you want to know more about this, and I'll be glad to send you the information, including the reason why certain foods compound so many physical problems.

As a footnote, one of the problems I had turned out to be a kidney stone that was too large to pass naturally, so I had to have it taken care of surgically. In a follow-up visit with my urologist, I told him about my new diet, and he told me that if all his patients ate and lived like I do, he would have to find a new specialty.

One more thing ~ Sandy puts every one of her patients on this plan, and her whole family has been on it for over 35 years. Her father is now 101 years old! she says it's the healthiest way for anyone to eat, whether they have health issues or not. The big bonus is that I have lost 40 lbs that I hadn't been able to lose no matter how hard I tried. The plan encourages your body to find its ideal weight.

Let me know if you want to find out the details. I'm not selling anything, I'm just trying to help people find the same kind of relief I did with this plan!

10

I may be able to help with your situation. I am a consultant for indoor air quality. Our technology can eliminate odors and help with allergies, asthma, COPD and other breathing problems. Although it's not a medical device, it cleans the air you breathe, which can improve your symptoms. My husband smokes in our home and you cannot even smell it!! Check out my website at www.freshairliving.com/ecoq3135 the required passcode is guest. We actualy offer a free 3 day in home trial with no obligation, to see if it helps you. Check it out and let me know if you have any questions. I hope you can work this out.
Thanks,
Judy

11

Hi, Sindy. Sorry to hear about your headaches. I get sudden migraine attacks, although not severe as yours, when I get stricken by heavy perfume smell too. This happens in stores in laundry aisles.

You should look up yeast overgrowth (candida). It can cause sensitivity to smells, touch, irritability, etc. I didn't modify my diet much as I was already trying to keep sugar and bad carb intake to a minimum, so I'm taking some natural anti-yeast supplements (Nutrition Now Yeast Defense) to keep it under control. It's helping a little.

Have you seen a chiropractor? I just started seeing one myself, and I must say I have high hopes. Traditional medicine only cares about treating the symptoms and not the cause. Find a good one - word of mouth is best. I see Dr. Pickens in Toledo, and he also recommended Dr. Schwanz in Waterville (my DH will be going to him soon).

PS. I wanted to respond to Eileen's comment about not trusting chiropractors. That's why I stressed finding a good one - there are tons out there that aren't good. My chiro is a VP of NW Ohio Chiro Association, and he only had 1 to recommend (he goes to him too) out of thousands out there.

Also, fibromyalgia is just a catch-all term for people w/ pains all over their body, and because doctors have no clue what causes the pains, they just put a label on the condition, give pain meds, and call it a day. It's not something you get "treated" for. For some, yeast overgrowth is the cause. Here's a good link about candida:
http://www.womentowomen.com/digestionandgihealth/candida.aspx

Oh, have you been checked for deep-down sinus infections? Have you had a head x-ray, CT, MRI, etc? I tend to get sinus infections so deep that I have no other symptoms besides a headache, and eventually I get pains in my neck and shoulders. I learned that I don't need antibiotics - I use a saline nasal spray and inhale deeply so that saline goes deep into my sinuses. I do this several times a day until my symptoms go away. Sometimes I take pseudoephedrine (decongestant that's behind the pharmacy counter) to help it along. HTH!

12

You could see a Homeopath that can help to alleviate your sensitivity to things. It could make a world of difference.

I agree it could be yeast too - taking ThreeLac really helped me. A cheaper way to go is GSE (Grapefruit Seed Extract) from Vitacost.com - you put like 10 little drops in a glass of water a couple times a day. Does not taste good - but could really help.

Another thing that can really help with Vision issues and migraines is MB12 (Methylcobolamin B12) I use a nasal spray form and it eventually builds up so that you don't require the supplement. You can call Lee Silsby compounding pharmacy and see what doctors in your area might prescribe it for you. It is very helpful if you are lacking it. Within the first hour of taking it you will feel a huge difference.

13

Hi Sindy, I have to say, your medical problem is a little hard to understand. It would be even harder to deal with as a family member since no one knows for sure when and what will set off one of your headaches. I would start by addressing your medical issue with your husband. I think you should get a second opinion on your headaches, and have your husband go with you to the appointments so he can learn about what's going on as well.
As hard as it is to think of anything other than the pain of your headaches, you have to realize that when mom (you) is unhappy, usually everyone in the family is suffering. The 12 your old boy is at a really weird age as far as girlfriends and that sort of thing go. It's probably really neat for him to have and wear his own cologne. I agree though that he should keep it in his back pack and spray it outside while he waits for the bus. That seems fair to me. Just let your husband know you respect the fact that the boy wants to wear cologne, so please respect the fact that it needs to be sprayed outside. Good luck with everything, and don't leave your husband over this. Work at it together.

14

Sindy,
Your headaches sound awful! I hope that some of the suggestions in the previous entries will be helpful to you. After reading your dilemma, what really sticks out to me is that your husband is not supporting you, over something so small as whether or not his son can wear cologne in the house. It seems that if you suspected this could be triggering debilitating headaches, that your husband would try all he could do to help in the situation, even telling his son not to wear cologne at the house. Even if your husband possibly doesn't believe its triggering your headaches, he should respect that you believe it is. It seems there are other issues going on, and its just manifesting itself in this cologne battle. Having two more kids in the family is a huge adjustment I'm sure. It would be great if you could all sit down as a family so you can discuss with them how these headaches affect you, what a challenge it is for you, and what things they can do to really help you when you get these headaches. However, for that to be really effective, the kids need to see that you and your husband are on the same page. Perhaps his son will be compassionate and understanding, and will choose not to wear it any longer. But if not, his dad really needs to stop him. I would ask your husband what he suggests you do. He doesn't want to tell him to stop with the cologne, so what are his suggestions to the problem? If you guys have a church or something that you attend, it would be great for you and hubby to talk to someone before actually leaving your husband. Good luck with everything.

15

WOW! First off I am so sorry to hear about this. I get headaches too that have changed over and over so I feel for you!!
I think your Husband is being a little insensitive to your feelings but it is very hard for others to understand that light, motion, sound and even smell can cause a debilitating headache. Children under the age age 16 can not really be expected to understand but beyond that.......have you tried to sit everyone down as a family and talk about it. Maybe if you can you can all tell each other how it makes you feel. Because they probably have some pretty strong feeling as well that you need to hear too. Our headaches hurt us as well as change the lives of those around us. It is no easy task to get everyone on board but it can be done if you all want to do it.

Have you tried Topomax? It is a seizure med. that I take for mine. It has side effects but what doesn't!! The big one is it makes you STUPID for a while but it has really helped me. I take one in the am and one around 4:00. Most meds. have a half life so talk to your doc about that. It might not be covering the whole waking hour for your day.

I hope you can work this all out. Hang in there. When I am hurting I do not always make the best choices so you might want to sit on any big ones.....Good luck and you will be in my toughts

16

I have simliar problems but it depends on time of the month, weather,stress etc. Have you ever had your thyroid checked? It controls almost everything in your body and when it is off forget doing anything. Also have you been treated for fibromyalgia? Try to see a doctor who specializes in these. I have been treated off and on for the last several years by a osteopath doctor. Their treatments are less invasive. I'm not real comfortable with chiropracters. Used to work with an insurance agency and I had to investigate some so I don't trust too many of them now. Osteopaths can also rule out thyroid and fibromyalgia and also rule out lyme's disease. There are more and more cases of lyme's disease in Ohio than ever before. And unfortunately the big hospitals like Cleveland Clinic have overlooked several cases of it. Good luck to you. Sometimes meds work for me and sometimes justa simple heating pad helps.I never know if any will work.I was just taken off of my meds for thyroid so the headaches are once a month for me since coming off of them.

17

It sounds to me like you could have MCS, multi chemical sensitivity. It is really hard to find a doctor that will even agree that it is real much less diagnosis you with it. Except for the chiropractr you are loading on lots more chemicals. In my opinion a 12 yr old should not even be wearing cologne. If your husband doesn't even have the decency to respect your health then I think that is a serious issue you need to consider for your own health and mental well-being.

18

Has your husband spoken with your physician at any time regarding this problem? If not you need to have a joint appointment with the doctor. Secondly, if no one else in the house is wearing cologne, perfume, etc., using scented soaps, bath oils, lotions, etc., then your husband is aware of it. If you and he have sat down and discussed this with the children then your husband is fully aware of the problem and is just not wanting to address this issue with this son who is reaching an age he may well decide not to come to your home to spend time with his father. You have no business driving if you have a headache that severe!!!!

Either your husband respects you and your family or he doesn't, time to have a serious discussion about whether or not he wants to continue this relationship or not.

19

I feel for you so much, Sindy! It is bad enough to be living with this problem, on top of caring for your children, but to not be supported by your husband is probably the worst thing of all. The first thing I would do is get a signed document from your doctor stating that fragrances are hazardous to your health and that you absolutely cannot be exposed to them. Then spell it out to your husband in writing that these are the terms under which you will remain living with him: that he support you in this 100% and make it clear to his son and ex that cologne is not allowed in your home, period, or you will leave. My God, you were in a car accident because of it!! You and your child could have been injured or killed. This is literally a matter of life and death. And once you give the ultimatum, follow through, or you will lose all credibility. I am upset, and I don't even know you! Get your parents, friends, church minister, and any others in your life to back you up and support you to your husband as well, so you do not feel alone, and have your alternate living arrangements lined up just in case. I do agree with others that your family is going through some big changes and to not make any rash decisions. You might look into family counseling. The family meeting idea is a good one, but only if you and your husband are on the same page. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and be an authoritative parent in this issue, even though it may create conflict with his son. Do be understanding about your stepson's wish to wear the cologne, but at the same time, it is your home and you are the adult. Your health comes first. I don't know if a 12 year old can be trusted to only spray the cologne when away from the house, and it may still affect you just by having it on his skin. My dad has severe cat allergies around anyone who even lives with a cat. I would also keep going to new doctors for more opinions until this is resolved. Make sure you tell your husband how his lack of support makes you feel, and that even if it is not conclusive that the cologne is the cause of the problem, you need to present a united front with the children or he will be undermining your authority, and that you need to avoid potential health risks at this time. Good luck and God bless!

20

A 12-year old boy does not need cologne. Your health is more important than a little boy's sex appeal (which is what the cologne boils down to). Throw it away when you see it - break it in a bag inside an outdoor trash can (or have a family member do it for you). They'll eventually get sick of buying him new.

My apologies if I sound rude or mean, but stuff like that ticks me off.