The Phantom Mistress: My Husband's Porn Addiction

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1

You may or may not remember my post a while back about my husband's porn addiction. I got quite an outpour of responses from either side of the fence. Those of you who have stood in my shoes were immensely helpful; those of you who disagreed with my views on porn but were still respectful provided beneficial perspective. Of course, there were a few disrespectful critics sprinkled in there who accused me of ‘driving my husband to porn' (thus offensively insinuating that all men lack self control) who were… NOT …helpful at all, to say the least.

My husband and I have struggled with his internet porn addiction for over a decade. We have seen counselors, some of which who have educated us on the devastating effects of porn addiction (I will not waste time convincing the critics that porn addiction is real and damaging, you can do the research yourself), to no avail. My husband's gusto for recovery always fizzles out quickly. As soon as the immediate cloud is lifted, he is right back to viewing. I have come to realize that the only thing that I can rely on is relapse.

The most recent counselor that we had been seeing (until scheduling conflicts a few weeks back) suggested a program to my husband called Celebrating Recovery. He seemed excited about the opportunity which gave me hope, but that was quickly dashed when I realized that he wasn't actually going to go. The pamphlet still sits on the floor of my car as a daily reminder of what my husband has failed to do for over ten years.

He swore porn would never be a presence in our lives again. He swore my trust could grow with the dawn of every day, because I would see that he was not looking at it any more. Yesterday, after work, I realized when I checked the internet history, that indeed this phantom mistress is still haunting me.

The lies, the secrecy, the promises for change… I have learned to trust none of it. We hardly are intimate anymore because he doesn't have a need to; he's already satisfied himself before I even get home from work. Furthering my anger, he is doing this at a time of day when he is supposed to be studying for school. He got laid off of his job last September and I told him just to go to school full time while I work so he can finish his degree. I'm paying his way (not to mention paying the babysitter to watch our kids) so that he can stay home and do with himself what he's supposed to be doing with me?

Call me a slow learner, but it has taken me over TEN YEARS to come to the realization that this will not go away. He obviously either cannot or will not stop (I think it's a combination of both). Because I know in my heart that I will never be OK with porn and all that is involved in that industry (like the promotion of human sex trafficking, among other seedy activities), if for no other reason, because I have two beautiful young daughters to raise, I am quite obviously forced to make a choice: Live with my husband and my phantom mistress; or leave, and be rid of ‘her' completely?

My question is less of a question and more of a reach for help: do you have any advice, wisdom, guidance or support? I need it; and I will take all that I can get.

Disclaimer I am not required nor obligated to justify my complete loathing for internet pornography to anybody except for my maker. Some women choose to turn a blind eye to their husbands' porn viewing. Some women choose to incorporate porn into their sex lives with their husbands in what is, for them, a healthy way. Some women even enjoy the occasional porn viewing. Those women (some of which are on this very forum) are not obligated to justify their choices in any way to me, so I would expect the same respect. Just as each of us is entitled to their opinions about issues such as abortion, welfare, etc., my opinion of pornography is just that- MY opinion. I am entitled to it. Please do not leave hateful messages accusing me of insecurity or sexual prudence.

2

I think you have to leave him. If he is going to choose porn over his beautiful wife and daughters - and that is what he is doing, due to the amount of damage it has already caused in the past 10 years - then your decision has pretty much been made for you in my opinion.

He needs to move out. If he can finally wake the hell up and realize that he needs a very serious dose of professional help in order to salvage his family, and he actually can prove that he will do it, then maybe divorce can be avoided and you guys can reconcile. But in the meantime, you're wasting your time being unhappy and by financially and emotionally supporting someone who is a perpetual 15 year-old in a man's body.

Sorry you are dealing with this, thanks for coming to us for support. Keep us posted.

Updated

I think you have to leave him. If he is going to choose porn over his beautiful wife and daughters - and that is what he is doing, due to the amount of damage it has already caused in the past 10 years - then your decision has pretty much been made for you in my opinion.

He needs to move out. If he can finally wake the hell up and realize that he needs a very serious dose of professional help in order to salvage his family, and he actually can prove that he will do it, then maybe divorce can be avoided and you guys can reconcile. But in the meantime, you're wasting your time being unhappy and by financially and emotionally supporting someone who is a perpetual 15 year-old in a man's body.

Sorry you are dealing with this, thanks for coming to us for support. Keep us posted.

3

I am SO sorry that you are still having to deal with this! I wish I had some great advise for you but I dont... I haven't been in your position (thankfully) and won't pretend to know how much it hurts you! I just want to say that I am praying for you, that you find happiness and the strength you need to do whatever you decide to do!

4

I wish you well. The movie "Fireproof" deals with this. I can also recommend its companion manual, "The Love Dare."

Good luck to you and yours.

5

I think it's a tough decision and more complicated than we can know. For that reason, I would seek counseling for you to have someone to help you make this important decision - to stay or go. I do think you have to heavily weigh the effect it has on your happiness and the health and happiness of you and your children. Put those goals 1st as you begin. I wish you the best!

6

After ten years, I think the best thing you can do for you and your girls is for you to get into a support group. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make em drink.. so goes with an addiction... In my case, I lived with many alcoholics and then some and if THEY weren't the ones to choose to stop drinking, then no amount of pushing them would do it.... you can really only help yourself in these situations... be the change you want to see... For years, I so wanted my biological mom and brother to stop drinking, I even called a rehab place for whom my brother insisted had no room, but upon calling I found out that they did BUT my brother would first have to be sober for a day before entering... turns out, HE didn't want to do that. The counselor (a previous drinker) told me over the phone.. when it comes to your brother, you ever hear of tough love?? I said yeah, he said well.. you need to offer that now.. .With that said, I told my brother that the facility had room..... and what the guy over the phone told me... however and sadly so... my brother would NOT enter treatment.. bottonline, Nikki.. your husband won't change until HE chooses to.. now you'd think that having two beautiful girls would be reason enough, right? for those sober , it is.. we can see the reasoning behind that, but when someone has an addiction, truly they don't think too clearly. whether porn, alcohol or drugs... all addictions have things in common SELFISHNESS and SELF-CENTERNESS..... and make no mistake.. your husband is being both.. I truly think a support group for you would be good .. this way, you are among others who can relate and can tell you have they have coped... Although, you'll get some great advice on here, I think in person might fair better.... Look online and see what is out there. nowadays, AA has groups for everything.... including those (in my case ALANON) give that a try.. .

I wish you the best

7

Wow, I am so sorry to hear this. I agree with you 100% though about the porn. It has devastating effects on the person's mind. I have not read your previous posts, but if he really wants to stop can you get rid of home Internet? I know that is a huge thing to ask of the family and it is accessible other places, but he may not risk looking in public. I recently heard the NY libraries were going to start allowing (I can't understand this!).

I can't give you an opinion on staying or going because I have stayed through my fair share of disappointments, but also don't believe in divorce (with our issues). You have grounds for divorce though - this is cheating, although others may not agree. Maybe he needs to be separated for a while to see what he will be giving up for his Internet fantasies. I'm sure you know all about this, but isn't it easy for this to turn into real life meet-ups, Craigs List, etc? He has a problem and needs help. It seems you both realize that, but he has to take the steps, you can't do it for him. If you are a Christian, just pray, pray more and turn it over to God. It may not change him, but you can't change him either. Again, so sorry!!

8

ETA: You cancelling the internet is a bandaid, and he will find other ways to access his addiction.

I love that you call it a "phantom mistress" - because it is a mistress. He is having an internet affair. He lies, hides and get sexual pleasure from something else, all the meanwhile hurting you. That is NOT healthy, no matter how you slice it.

I had a friend who went through this. Her story sounds JUST like yours, except she only dealt with it for 6 years....before she left. She just couldn't deal with it. She is much happier now.

I am so sorry I have no advice for you. You are SUCH a strong woman, Nikki. My heart aches for you.

ETA: I am a HUGE fan of working things out and divorce as a last resort. But, I am also a big believer in shocking a man into respecting his wife. For example, if you take the kids and leave for a while, it may scare his butt into really getting rid of his mistress.

The thing that breaks my heart is that your husband has to feel so empty and sad inside. I am not downplaying your pain, but his "satisfaction" from this sort of thing is so empty! It does not fulfill, and it is a true addiction, just like alcoholism and gambling. And those people feel a sense of emptiness and are never satisfied. What a horrible way to live, for both of you.

I really want to tell you not to give up on him! I really do! But again, maybe a "temporary" move out will scare him. It does not make things permanent. No one says you have to get a divorce simply because you move out.

9

Divorce him. The two of you have a fundamental incompatibility, and you've tried everything within the scope of what you are willing to tolerate. It doesn't sound like there is any middle ground that you could find with him, since any porn at all is too much in your view, and since he doesn't seem to have ability to limit his consumption anyway. You have no respect for him anymore, and it sounds like he is tired of trying to get 'cured'. I'm sorry you're both going through this.

10

In my opinion you have done everything to right this wrong...however he has'nt he obviously doesn't want to either and cares nothing about you and his sexual relationship... watching porn just made him numb to your needs and detatched.. he has committed adultery in his mind... therefore you have the right to leave... and you will be justified in doing so...you don't deserve this... maybe it'll give him the wake up call he needs if you stand up for yourself...

11

He has been doing this for a decade. You say you realize he will never change. He has lost jobs. He thinks pleasuring himself is more important then studying for the school YOU pay for. You come home, knowing you've paid a babysitter, just so him can pleasure himself all day. He is not intimate with you. He disrespects and degrades your covenant of marriage. He places sexual acts ahead of you. He places porn ahead of your children. Your girls will be in a house with a man, who clearly thinks woman are simply toys for his viewing pleasure. He has NO interest in treating and viewing woman with dignity, and you have two girls under his roof.

I could go on and on, but I'll just ask...what is there to stay for? He does NOT care about you and your marriage. You will NEVER be as important to him, as porn. Your daughters will eventually see this and know this. Really. What are you staying for?

12

If it were a "real woman", and after 10 years of Trying to get 'rid of her' would you leave him then?
I'm sorry your dealing w/ this :( I dont have any real experienced advice, Just what I would do for Me and my Daughters!!! Its time to WALK AWAY, maybe the Scare of loosing his Family will help him to seek the real help he needs. IDK

You need satisfaction too !!!! this has been a decade of your life that could have and Should have been spent differently !!!
I wish you the Best !

13

UGH. Makes my stomach churn. We've been there too... it's not fun. Fortunately for me, my husband's computer died (secret happy dance!) but I know he'll get it fixed soon. I hate being jealous and hateful towards something that I can't physically pound into submission!! Things have gotten so so so much better though; I can't imagine my guy falling back into THAT bad habit again... so much luck to you two... PM me if you need to vent!!

This is my view on porn... you watch it together, great. But when one person (your guy) is taking care of himself through porn and neglecting YOUR needs, that's breaking your sacred wedding vows to each other and should NOT be handled lightly.

I'm so sorry :( I hope it gets better!!

14

I won't accuse you of either insecurity or sexual prudence, but I don't think you have a grasp on what actual addiction means, or you wouldn't describe him as a failure, although I get why you see it that way. If your husband is truly an addict, HE is the only person who can change. No amount of desire, badgering, help, prayer etc from you will help him. I quoted Dr Drew the other day in a reply I made to a post about another form of addicition and it was this - someone will only change if the consequences of NOT changing are worse than the consequences of changing.

If your husband is an addict he will need to create new behaviors, new coping tecniques, a new way of thinking. He will need to change his brain. YOU will also need to create new behaviors, new coping tecniques and a new way of thinking because YOU have been in that relationship dynamic with him.

I suspect you know all that.

I didn't read your last post before responding to this one.... but it seems from this post that you are doing a bit of enabling - a hard habit to break of it's own right. I would suggest counseling for YOU - he has to make his own decisions, but so do you. Your girls face a tough road ahead and how you, their mom, deals with this is AS important as how their dad deals with it. They are learning appropriate behaviors from each of you. So, in addition to the feelings you have about the role of a wife, you are also considering the behaviors of the role of a mother.

This is no easy road - regardless of what you choose. And, yes, it is UNFAIR that you have to do the choosing, when he has the addicition. I have lived the consequences of this choice, it sucks for everyone all the way around (even for him, even if you don't see that). There is a reason addiction (to ANYTHING) wrecks so many families. it is because it affects the entire family.

You have to decide what you can live with. When all is said and done, you have to answer to yourself, your God and your girls. What is the answer you are OK with giving? That's what I would ask myself if I were in your shoes.

So, again - I would suggest counseling for you by yourself so that you can equip yourself to make whatever decisions you decide you can live with.

Good Luck

15

I dont feel like its anyones place to tell you to leave your husband or stay with him. Only you can decide whats best for you and your girls. I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this and my heart goes out to you. I will pray for you guys.

16

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I think that I would cut off any way that he would access it. Turn off the internet access at home, lock the cable service so that it cannot be ordered through there, or turn it off completely, if his phone has internet service, I would remove that option from his phone. If he is really serious about quitting, then he should have no problem with you taking those steps. I have heard of Celebrate Recovery and have heard that it is a VERY good program, and it would be for BOTH of you. Have you considered going to it with or without him? Maybe if you start going, he would then follow suit? None the less, if you went without him, it would give you some tools to cope with the situation, and help you to make the tough decision that you are faced with. Have you ever tried telling him that he should consider that what he is looking at could very easily be one of his daughters in the future if he doesn't clean up his act, and how would he feel if that did happen??

I wish you the best ~ I would suggest you pray about this situation and ask God for his guidance in your life.

17

Curious. Why don't you just do what I have done with my home computer, block it and assign him a password to the computer with blocks for such material?

This won't necessarily stop his porn addiction but at least it won't be on your home computer where you are raising your girls.

I'm praying for you and your children and your husband. He won't realize the damage he is doing until long after the ripple effect of the damaged has torn through his life. That is how addiction works, it builds you up and smashes you to the rocks.

Your objective should be to reduce the collateral damage for you and your daughters as best and for as long as you can.

18

To me the biggest problem is that when the lazy ^%@&%^* is supposed to be studying and doing something productive, and while you are working your butt off, and his kids are in daycare, he's sitting around pleasuring himself. What a turnoff. What a ________.

So even if you were fine with porn, that guy should be getting off his a*s and turning himself into a productive member of society, not a useless leech.

What a pathetic excuse for a man. Is he a halfway reasonable father? Sorry, I don't have any good advice for you; I guess, since you are doing it all anyway, you could definitely do it without him. Except for the fact that it will scar your kids, I would break up with this parasite immediately.

19

You are obviously able to take care of yourself and children financially... I don't see any reason a divorce would not be beneficial to you and the kids. You need to make sure tho - that he does NOT get alimony, since he was not working due to school, not due to lack of employment opportunities. That scenario recently happened to a friend of mine - she allowed him to stay home for whatever reason and she took on 2 jobs... she is court ordered to pay him $2000 a month in alimony AND he has yet to get a judgement on how much child support he owes.

20

I can't say I have any experience with this. I got divorced after my husband cheated on me (numerous times? i will never know). My new marriage is different and there is a different level of trust and we have our faith helping us.

I wanted to post that you write beautifully, and that I think your subject line is an amazing title for a new book. Perhaps you can turn this awful story of your husband's struggle with porn and how it's affected your family into a best-seller. I am sure you are not the only woman dealing with this, so your books could sell like hot-cakes. Of course, the final chapters of your book are not written. I hope that they will be a happy ending, giving other women hope and giving you something good out of this bad time.