I know smoking is horrible, I am going to quit soon! I promise.
I met a new friend at the beginning of the year at the bus stop. Our girls are the same ages and we have gotten kinda close. She LOATHES cigarette smoke. When I have been around her a couple times, she can smell smoke from like a football field away and goes on rampages about how much she hates it. lol
One time she flat out asked me if I smoked, and I said "well sometimes".
I never thought about telling her I was a smoker because for 1.- We usually do stuff with the kids and I DONT smoke around my kids so I didnt think it would be an issue. Plus if we ever went out without the kids, knowing how much she hates it, I would never smoke around her anyways.
So, last night she got locked out of her house and came up to my house to get help. I was totally just about to go out and smoke too and she would have totally busted me!
Would you tell her you smoke or stay in the closet?
come on out!
I am a closet smoker too. I'd like to say if she truly is a friend she'd just say "hey, you know how I feel but it's your business." 9 years ago I started my current job - I never did smoke breaks nor do I smoke on my lunch hour as I no longer wanted the judgement associated w/it. I am a wimp so I'd likely stay in the closet!
Just quit! And, you may think you're in the closet, but most non-smokers can smell you a mile away--just like you said. Just quit:)
I would tell her, and then quit. I mean, unless getting cancer and dying early is you intention, what's the point?? And, why hide it?
If she is that sensitive to smoke (I know I am) I bet she already assumes. I literally can't be friends with people who smoke. (NOT, because I judge their smoking! Because, I can't physically be around them. :( It sits in their hair, seeps in their skin, their shoes, their clothes. I can ALWAYS smell it, and I always feel very ill afterward. (I sometimes wonder if I'm a little allergic...if that's even possible.) Also...it DOES affect your children, even if you don't smoke around them. Smoke is always on you when you've finished. You track it into your house and it seeps into all your fabrics, walls, and carpet. Their lungs are second hand smoking. Just quit.
How soon is 'soon'? Just quit. It's killing you AND affecting your friendships? It's time. Right now. And I promise she can smell it on you. I'm just like her :)
BTW: I am a former smoker too.
hey Molly,
as a former smoker, i can be very sensitive to the odors related to it as well. additionally, as a former smoker, i can tell you that quitting was one of the hardest things i ever did. if i were her, i would appreciate your candor. more importantly, i wouldn't mind at all if you smoked, i would just not want you to do so around me or my kid. you are a grown woman and it is not up to me to dictate your decisions. :-)!! hope this helps. Sharon
Yeah....never "got" the closet smoker thing.
I've met all kinds of moms that "only smoke" when the planets are lined up. (By this I mean when the kids are at Grandmas, when the kids are off playing at someone's house, I've even seen two moms at a bonfire party, hide behind a shed and smoke. Really?)
I get not smoking around your kids. I smoke. Outside. By myself.
But if you're smoking a cigarette or two per day, honestly, who cares?
If your friendship hinges on that little fact, then it's not much of a friendship to begin with, is it?
I knew it!! I so was telling my coworker yesterday, smell that?? That is Molly out smoking!!! :p
Just tell her. I don't like smoke but I wouldn't hold it against someone. That would be irrational.
She knows you smoke. She can smell it on you, and besides, you told her.
You're not in the closet.
Have you considered an e-cig? No stinky smells and carcinogens. Then when she asks if you smoke, you can say "No", and not feel like you're hiding something. It's like having your cake and eating it too.
She's not your friend if she can't accept you for who your are. She is not perfect -- you are not perfect -- I am not perfect --no one is perfect.
If someone holds something against you -- smoking, drinking, religion ect and can't be your friend because of it -- they were never your friend to begin with.
She knows you smoke. Bring it out in the open by talking with her about it so that you can stop feeling like you have to hide it and be anxious about her finding out.
If you two are friends, it won't matter and it shouldn't. Respect her and don't do it around her and I am sure she will respect you for not "hiding" who you truly are.
molly - ya know I love ya. :)
Do you. These are Other People's Issues - so just do you.
Tell her, don't tell her. But whatever way you decide - OWN IT.
I have bad habits, I have good habits. But they're MINE, and frankly I'm too old to care what other people think about them. No free rent in my head!
I would tell her. As long as you don't do it around her or her kids, it shouldn't make a difference. If it does, she is not a person who practices tolerance and acceptance and that would not be someone I would want as a friend.
You did tell her, you are just holding back from doing it in front of her. She is obviously still speaking to you after having knowledge you smoke.
Smoking is an addiction and is one of the toughest ones to fully quit. Most smokers, like myself in the past have quit and started back. I am prego now and can't so, I am fortunate. I get started back when I get together with girl friends for a few drinks, that kind of thing and it develops as a once and a while thing or "social smoking".
Don't beat yourself up, you will quit when your ready. All smokers know it is a nasty habit and isn't healthy. Most of the people that say "just quit" have never been addicted to them.
What got me this time (prior to me getting pregnant) to make it a point to stop, aside from the cost, is fear that my son would see me or smell me.
Take care
And WHY was it you wanted to maintain a friendship with someone SOOOO dramatically different from you, and who clearly states over and over that she LOATHES people like you?
Believe it or not, the ENTIRE world has not gone COMPLETELY crazy, Molly (though you might think otherwise spending too much time on THIS site). There ARE regular people still withOUT Sensory issues, withOUT irrational intolerances.
Find them and surround yourself with them.
:)
I absolutely hate smoking. The smell.. makes me feel ill.
But my bushiness partner and one of my best friends smoked for years..
She would excuse herself and go and smoke.
Sometimes she would be so stressed out, I would ask her, "are you needing a smoke?" She hated to admit it, but she did.
I would tease her by saying, "You are so pretty, until you have a cigarette in your mouth. "
Or, I would remind her, "we are in the floral business, you do not want to end up like those old fat smoking florist we always see at market. They are so cliche" (I am fat)
"Your skin will look so much younger, if you would stop smoking."
And then finally " I guess I will end up having to train 'David's' new wife, when you die of lung cancer.. "
Yes it was all mean.. But she wanted to stop so bad.. She had tried many times.. Finally acupuncture.. a few sessions" and smoking gum.. finally did it.. We were all so proud of her and she was thrilled.
She died earlier this year.. just had turned 48. Different Cancers.. Lung Cancer being the most aggressive.
The last conversation we had the week she died, she teased me about the "New Wife " comment.. She told me to "be nice to her., 'David' deserves to be happy."
So yes, if she is a good friend be honest, tell her the truth, you hate it, but it is just so hard to quit. And you do not smoke around the children.. it will give her the opportunity to then be honest about how she feels about it. The fact that you care about how she will feel, shows you are not proud of this habit.
Probably. I hate secrets and you'll be anxious anytime you go out to smoke now. If you just come clean, she'd probably be really gracious about it and then won't make comments that make you feel uncomfortable.