This is my first time typing my dilemma online to share with others. I suppose I never have for fear of mean criticisms I may be too sensitive to receive/accept. My husband(47) and I(34) have been together for 4 years and of those 4yrs married for 2. We have both had previous failed marriages and I have a son(14) and he has 2 sons (21 & 23). His 21 yr old is married and his wife is now pregnant. I married my husband knowing that he did not want any kids and that he had a vasectomy back when we were dating. I too have told him how much I wanted to have a child with him and I love him and will deal with it. But I have been struggling with dealing with it every month. 2 weeks out of each month I go through huge desires, praying, hoping for a miracle, having the greatest maternal instincts and needs. And then when my cycle comes along, I get so upset, disappointed, and then angry, and in denial and then depressed. It's a vicious cycle. Every so often I can't deal with it anymore (approx 5months, we talk about it and it never really gets resolved. He reminds me that he made it clear that he never wanted anymore kids and that I have failed on my end keeping up with my promise to get over with it. The last conversion we had he said that he cheated on his first wife after the birth of each of his 2 sons and that perhaps he needs to go for counseling to get that negative feeling out. He never did. Yesterday, my husband calls me to tell me his son and his new wife are pregnant. It just tore me up and broke my heart. I couldn't even stay on the phone anymore I had to go. I cried, I trmbled, I threwup.... I felt like God's joke; I've been praying for my husband to change his mind, to get pregnant and have a child together and not a grandchild 1st and yet I get exactly what I have prayed not to have 1st. I feel like a very selfish person because I should be celebrating the news with him and his son, but I am in so much pain that I can't seem to do it. My husband expects me to go through this and wear a smile and act like everything is ok. It's almost like torture. I want to be able to do what he wants but I'm hurting so much. I love my husband soooo much. Other than the baby issue we have no other problems. This marriage is still young but I think it is a good strong marriage. But I feel like I'm such a loser and a party pooper but of my extreme desire for a child. I am so lost and confused that I don't know what to do. He yelled at me over the phone and said he hates babies. How can anyone hate babies. They are beautiful and innoncent like angels. I know coz I have a son. I feel like a brat wanting another one when I already have one. But I am getting old and I don't want to let this pass me by. I so want to have a child with my husband and I love him so much and I have never felt this way before I met him. It is just killing me. I can't stop thinking about it or praying for it. I start in the morning when I wake up and continue on through work and even when I go to bed. So many nights I have cried myself to sleep. I don't want my husband to hate me, but I know he is very angry at me for ruining his good news from his son and his happiness of a grandson. But if he can be so happy to receive a grandson (whom he will probably have to help support since they are young(20 & 21) and financially unstable with no college/tech school/skills), why can't he be just as happy to have a child with me? I feel like the bad guy in the picture. He told me yesterday that if he gave me what I wanted that he would resent me and not want anything to do with the child. And that how could I be so selfish to ruin this marriage and want a child despite that fact that he doesn't and hence to ruin a child's life. And that how could I say that I love him and want a child with him and yet to be willing to raise a child by myself. I don't want to raise a child by myself. I 've already done so withmy son since he was 4yrs old. I just want a somewhat normal home and I want my husband to be part of my whole entire life. But at the same time I am willing to not bother him with any little details that I can handle myself. He doesn't want to be bothered with raising a child and I said I am willing to do it all. But by saying so, I'm now being selfish to him and the child. I'm soo upset and so lost. Please help me.
Salina,
You seem to have answered all your own questions. Secondly, don't use a child as a way to "unite" your marriage. I think you are afraid he might leave you and so having this child is going to make you "one". Don't do this to a child and have a divorce and put the child thru that. As hard as this might sound, you both made an agreement and you went into this marriage knowing what the deal was, so yes, you should stick with your end of the deal. The deep desires you now have places your husband in a difficult position. I could understand if you both had NO children, then he could possibly change his mind, but he has been there done that with the kids and so have you, so wanting a new baby under those circumstances is indeed selfish. Please try to not think about a new baby so much and enjoy your first grandchild. Why the urge to have a kid with him so much, is it that you are afraid he is going to leave you and a child will automatically "bond" you together. Please don't put a child thru that torture and a divorce situation. It would not be fair. There seem to be an underlying trust issue going on, and a bit of insecurity and I think if you love your husband sooo much, you really should trust him, respect him and honor your end of the commitment. Pray that God help you with that craving for a child. We make decisions sometimes that we unfortunately just have to live with. Take the time to foster and nurture your marriage so that he doesn't have to leave you and you don't have to push him to the deep end with your craving. All the best...
I understand that you want to have a child with your husband but a promise is a promise. You accepted the stipulation and he believed you in good faith. Unless you are ready to risk loosing him, you will have to come to terms with your desperate desire. Have you thought about going to counseling? Sometimes it helps to get an unbiased opinion. There may be something else going on inside you that you are not aware of or perhaps you could do some volunteer work that involves babies to somehow fill the void you are feeling.
Perhaps you have been praying the wrong way. I don't intend to hurt your feelings here, but praying for what you want is SOO self-centered... why not pray for relief from your desire to have another baby, pray for contentment with your life and within your marriage, pray for a desire to be happy for your husband's son on his wife's pregnancy...? God grants our prayers when we pray with His will in mind, not our own. It is evident that it is not likely you will be pregnant with your husband, so pray for contentment with that. Pray that you will be a good wife to your husband and that you can honor him by fulfilling the commitment you made to him when you married. (The commitment you made KNOWING he didn't want more children)...
Perhaps you could check into becoming a foster parent to babies on a temporary basis? Or something like that. Maybe you could be a sitter for the new grandson?
You went into this marriage with all the facts: He is 13 years your senior and has done the parenting thing and is done with it, and has the vasectomy to prove it. You have a child of your own already. You both have a previous failed marriage.
Trust me, at 47 years old, your husband is not looking to start over again with a baby. You said, "if he can be so happy to receive a grandson (whom he will probably have to help support since they are young(20 & 21) and financially unstable with no college/tech school/skills), why can't he be just as happy to have a child with me?". Well... for one thing, he is NOT responsible to raise it. Sure he may provide some temporary assistance here and there for his son, but honestly... unless you take the baby into your house and he signs a contract that obligates him financially for the next 18 years.. it is in NO WAY even SIMILAR. He is at the point where he is looking forward to retirement in not so many years... not car shopping with a teenager, and the stress of worrying what kind of trouble a teenager will get into.. he's DONE all that. And probably relieved (and happy) that his kids are grown and on their own. He can sit back and spoil the new grandkid, and send him HOME when he is tired out or has something else he wants to do.
You may need to get some counseling if you are having these issues cyclically... perhaps some of it is hormone related... talk with your doctor. Depression can be subtle, too. Please seek help, but don't expect your husband to change. He told you up front what he wanted out of life. You can't "convince" him that he was wrong... you are being unrealistic if you think you can change his mind.
Please pray for contentment, rather than fulfillment of your every desire. You will find your prayers answered much more quickly.
God Bless you.
ditto everything Victoria said
Please get counseling. You said there are no other problems in your marriage other than this one, so why create one???
My first husband, who was older and already had 4 kids, didn't want anymore kids. He didn't make his feelings clear until after we were married. He even scheduled the vasectomy but then told me to cancel it. He said we will try for a while and "if it is God's will", I'll get pregnant. 7 mons later, I conceived. His daughter is his whole world.
He already had 2 grands, 2 boys.
He'd have to reverse the vasectomy. Sounds like he is clear about not wanting to do that. I'm so sorry.
You are not old to me. I have a 17 mon old son with my 2nd hubby and I am 39. I've had 2 very healthy children. So give it some time. Leave it in God's hands. Try not to complain, that won't help hubby to change his mind. Seems like he does love you but is adamant on this issue.
He says he doesn't like babies. If you do ever conceive, I believe he will fall in love when he holds his child for the first time. I'll say a prayer for you.
Oh Salina I doubt anyone will suggest you put your foot down and demand he comply...he was clear from the get go. it's not like you don't have children. you do have your own son and then some. I know you're young but why don't you spend all the energy you seem to have into something else? go to school, get a job, make friends, find a hobby. i know i sound harsh but really with your crying and mopping around the only thing that will happen is for him to walk away from the marriage. he won't deal with this sounds like. so i suggest have a heart to heart talk with yourself. if you're dead set you want a child then file for a divorce but don't try pressuring him into this. someone said he's prepping for retirement. i can understand that. he's older. he's done it all. he has two sons and a grandchild on his way. it would be a shame if you ruined the good thing you got going on because you're trying to get him to have another child.
good luck
Dear Salina...let this baby come and maybe his opinion will change. Give it a "vacation" from your mind and heart. Dont insist with him cause that will make you lose him. I do believe that when he sees/goes through the birth of this grandchild maybe that will change something inside of him. Other than that, If you cant do that...just ask yourself whats more important...him or a new baby? Prioritize your life and be honest with yourself. I feel for you...the best of lucks.
Teresa
Salina,
First you are not a loser. So you need to stop the self defeating words towards yourself. The fact that your husband cheated on his first wife after the birth of his sons might have more to do with how his ex-wife made him feel when the boys were born. But that's speculation.
Anyway you knew that your husband didn't want anymore children when you met. Your love for him shouldn't be tied to a child. If you wanted another child then this wasn't the man to marry.
I can truly sense your heartache - your prayer needs to be to ask God to help you not to get pregnant - but whatever HIS will is. Also to bring you peace - if you truly want to grow old with your husband - pray for God's peace. Pray that He helps you to be genuinely happy for the first grandchild that is coming.
I will pray for you dear one.
God Bless,
Alison
Salina... are you familiar with the work of authors Dr. Brian Weiss, or Dr. Roger Woolger and Dr. Michael Newton? They are experts in regression therapy and helping people understand patterns and circumstances in their lives based upon the perspective of the soul and patterns connected to past lives. Their therapeutic approach is one I incorporate, and your story sounds like one that might need to be addressed in this psychospiritual way to be resolved. I encourage you to read their books... and you can contact me if you want to discuss this further. I applaud your courage in opening up and sharing about your frustration, that's a good step toward facing and finding a way to address the issue.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately, but my heart hurts as I read this, and my eyes are full of tears for you. I believe God places this holy desire within us, and it's so frustrating when it cannot be filled. I have struggled with this too (I feel like I was meant to have lots of babies, and my husband's not interested), and understand your hope and misery each month as your cycle progresses. I have been there, and it's so hard not to let your life revolve around it when you have the "baby bug." The only thing that helped me was to cry out to the Lord and let Him fill that place. It's a day by day struggle, but I guess it will get easier over time.
Although I totally feel for you and wish you could have your heart's desire (why don't they understand that they will LOVE their child and not wish he had never been in 20 years, but that you will be filled with regret????), I have also gotten pregnant with 2 more children than my husband wanted, and it has been VERY difficult between us as a result. We had lots of problems before, but it's been extra tough since I got pregnant with the first one he didn't want. Now he loves my son to death and wouldn't trade him for the world, but as your husband remarked--my husband is still full of anger and resentment toward me (as if it were only my fault we got pregnant...) and he shows it in front of our children. I love my children with all of my heart and would never want anything different, but they are being damaged by his treatment of me, and I fear that my daughters will choose husbands like that and that my son will treat his wife that way.
All I can say is that I have been to a counselor--Dawn Strobeck--who is amazing, and she has really helped me get through this and be much healthier. She charges her fees on a sliding scale, so it's based on your income (so for us, very cheap!!). Her number is 407-240-8071.
I hope you know I really care about you, and I wish you the best. I pray that you will make it through this!!
It appears this was discussed prior to marriage so you went in to this union with your eyes wide open. Just because you have now changed your mind does not mean that he should as well. You are not a bad person for wanting to now have a child but he is not a bad person either for being honest with his feelings. How many poor children are there in this world created without the want of both parents that do end up hurt in the end. I think you may need to go to some counseling to try to overcome this and revel in the joy of having an infant in your life by way of a new Grandbaby. Your other option is to leave your marriage and seek love with another who has the same goal as you. You may not want your marriage to end but it is better that it end without a child than for an innocent child to brought in the middle of chaos and with a Father who does not want them. What a horrible burden to place on a child. You need to do some serious soul searching and get some professional help in counseling.
Hi, Salina. Well, Sweetie, I do hope the other moms here will respond with compassion and not be insensitive to you; I really, really do. Yes, you are in a whole lot of pain. I don't think that anyone on this website can really advise you about how to deal with what's happenning or can tell you what to do about it. This is a major life decision; you can't decide on it lightly.
Even if you got your miracle and somehow became preganant despite your husband's vasectomy, it may destroy your marriage. So what you're praying for, a baby, is at complete odds with the other thing you cherish the most: your marriage.
I would advise BOTH you and your husband to speak to professionals, SEPARATELY at first, and then together in order to heal the hurts you have caused one another.
Yes, he IS hurting because he feels that you promised something that you couldn't come through on, and now his trust is violated. He's being honest with you; a lot of ppl can't take the crying and the diapers. Not every man is cut out to be "father of the year," and he's being honest with you about that. It's not like you can have a baby in the house and he can just pretend the baby isn't there. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to be Daddy X 3.
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Not at all. I'm sure that when you decided to marry your husband, you really believed that you could put aside the desire to have another child, but you're finding out it's harder than you thought. You're going to need some help in dealing with this; don't try to tough it out on your own. Don't try to change your husband -- that's usually a fatal mistake, because no human being can control another human being.
Please get some help for yourself in dealing with this tough issue. Also get yourself checked out medically, because some of your distress and huge urge to have a baby might be peri-menopause, where your body starts to make major hormonal changes. Lots of women in peri-menopause unconsciously feel that their child-bearing days are almost over, and the hormonal changes make them desperate to have one more child while there is still time. Get yourself checked out to make sure that most of this torment isn't a hormonal imbalance; then you can deal with the issues underneath the hormones. Hormones really only bring out the stuff that's going on underneath, where we can't always see ourselves, but they bring out these issues in ways that make us less able to deal with our feelings.
In other words, hormonal imbalances make everything ten times more painful, potent, and super real, the most important issues in the universe.
I will pray for you, that these hurts can be resolved to the benefit of you and your husband (and your kids, too).
May God embrace you in His overcoming love!
Peace,
Syl
You say your husband offered to go to counseling to get over his negative issues but didn't go. Maybe you should go see a counselor to talk your feelings out. He seems unwilling to change his mind but you are seeking a way to make the situation better. This is why I'm thinking you'd do better in counseling than him. I'm SO sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine the pain you feel and I hope you can find a resolution quickly so that you can be happy again.
First, you do not need to feel guilty for wanting a baby!The desire to marry and bear children w/ the man we love is a natural God-given desire! I wish all men could see how ingrained it is in our souls!
Having said that....Your husbands is head of your home. I think he has an awful, callous perspective of this topic, but it is typical. My suggestion (even w/ out knowing where you are on your spiritual journey) is to pray he will change his mind and give your desires and dreams to God. My husband had a vasectomy 6 years ago. I have prayed every since then that he would change his mind and get a reversal. I have gone through all of the emotions each month that you mentioned (minus the grandchild thing). I KNOW how painful it is! BUT, after years of prayer , AND keeping my mouth shut (aside from occasional comments) he is getting a reversal! There is power in prayer both to change his mind and to comfort your heart!
I just don't want to see this ruin your young marriage! Put your husband first ,my dear. Respect and love him above all else and just see how his heart softens towards you!! I should know...16 years marriage experience :>) God bless and may He grant you the desires of your heart in HIS good time!
I understand your deep desire to have a child...I went thru years of it, myself, watching friends become pregnant, while I could not. However, you entered your marriage knowing your husband did not want more children. Trying to change him will ruin your marriage. Yet, it's obvious that your desire for a child is so strong that if you don't have a child, it could also ruin your marriage. I strongly suggest going for counseling, whether you go on your own, or it's couple's therapy. But leaving things they way they are is going to destroy your relationship eventually. GL!
My heart goes out to you ... we are the same age and I can totally understand the tick-tock feeling of the clock winding down and the desire to have another child.
That being said, I can also understand your husband's desire NOT to have a child. Remember, he is 13 years older than you. SO, even if you conceived now, he would be 66 when that child graduates from high school. he may be concerned about being able to care for and provide for another child as he gets older as well.
I think you both need to go to counseling. If he won't go, then you should still go because it seems like you want him to now fulfill the "family" image you didn't have with your first child. I can understand that, but it is not fair to impose this upon him either ... As another poster said, he may become extremely resentful and will not treat you the same. This will cause a lot of tension in your home and is likely not the environment you wanted to raise another child (or your son!) in.
Think long and hard about this ... if he is so resentful and against this, do you REALLY want him to be the father of a child he doesn't want??
I will be praying for you and your family and I hope the Lord shows you the answer for this situation.
Blessings,
Cari
Hello Salina,
I know you have a desire to have a child but your husband was honest with you in the beginning of your relationship and marriage that he did not want to have any more children. You did not take him serious and in the back of your mind you actually thought you could change his mind. Just as you are thinking of your age, have you thought that he was thinking of his age too? Your husband is 47 with a child and grandchild near the same age!!!! I am sure the holy spirit has brought to your rememberance of the choices you make there will be a consequence to the decision. Consequences come with all decisions we make in life. The lession is learning from pass mistakes. You need to keep in mind to be careful of what you pray for because I am sure when you were raising your son by yourself you were praying for a husband but you did not provide God with all your desires. Now since God has blessed you with a husband who loves you for you as God loves him and now you are asking God for a child from your husband who strongly emphasized that he did not want any more children. Instead of praying for God to change your husband's mind, you should ask God to help you to accept his (God) will to be done in your marriage. This is your time to get closer with the lord and allow him to direct your steps and not your personal emotional feelings direct your steps. God is able, but you have to allow GOD to drive not satan. Do not let satan play with your mind because he can actually destroy your marriage.
Salina, you need to get some counseling so you can cope with this, regardless of the outcome. Please find a therapist to work with as soon as possible.
You've got to stop sabotaging your marriage. Get some counseling at your church, local health department or ask your doctor for a referral. Please ask for a hormone test. Balancing the hormones is very important.
You can also volunteer at the hospital or day care centers, taking care of children (even at the gym)
You absolutely need to fulfill this desire but not at the expense of your marriage. And also, take some of this energy and place it positively in the direction of the expectant couple.
They are your family. Just think how happy you will be to care for the infant.