I am responding late. I haven't read anybody elses response. I see that you have tied this one up and thanked everyone, but please just let me dive in say this to you.
You come across as a very loving spirit filled with kindness. Your husband has been very honest with you on all counts to include before you were married about his feelings about having children. I feel that you are not the only one who needs counseling, but he does too. Could you ask him to come with? If that is out of the question then you may need to remind yourself of basic things.
-Til death do you part.
-for better or worse.
-the vasectomy is done.
-you have a child, he has a child
-A GRANDCHILD IS ON THE WAY! YOU HAVE THE FULL COURT ADVANTAGE OF HAVING THIS LITTLE DARLIN' AROUND AT ANYTIME YOU MAY POSSIBLY NEED. WATCHING THIS CHILD GROW AND FEELING IT IN YOUR ARMS IS THE SWEETEST THING IN LIFE. JOY UNSPEAKABLE. THE LOVE AND THE BOND OF PLANTING SEEDS THERE IS JUST AS, IF NOT MORE REWARDING THAN DOING SO WITH YOUR OWN CHILD. DID YOU THINK THAT MAYBE GOD MAY HAVE PLACED THIS GRANDCHILD THERE FOR YOU, BECAUSE OF THE MARITAL DISAGREEMENT? GOD DID SAY THAT HIS WISDOM IS NOT OURS. ALSO, THIS GRANDCHILD COULD JUST BE THE THING TO CHANGE YOUR HUSBANDS HEART ABOUT DECISIONS HE HAS MADE AND GIVE HIM SOME REDEMPTION ABOUT THE GUILT HE CARRIES DAILY.
You say that you love your husband so much and I do believe you with all my heart. I also believe that love sometimes requires sacrifice. You are hurting so much Salina, that it hurts me to read and feel the pain you are sending out. I wish that I could take that away for you, but we both know that you are the only one who can do it. I don't think you are being selfish. It's normal for any woman who can still bear children to want them just as much as a woman who can still bear and don't want them. You are fine, but I think that you may be obsessing in a way that will take you and your marriage to a place you can not come back from if you don't focus a little more on the blessings you do have, the ones you will receive and the honest husband that many women giving their opinions to you wish that they could get a smidgen of that honesty from their husbands. You are a big girl, so telling you that I do not ever suggest that a woman or friend divorce the union that God blessed unless it is dangerous and abusive, you do realize that if a baby is required that much by you you would have to divorce your husband to find someone to have a baby with. It may not be worth it. So focus on the good things that you do have going, the new baby for instance, Please be excited, you are in for a real treat with this grandchild, a whole new adventure in love and life you cannot imagine now.
My husband had 2 girls when we met, I had a girl and a boy. we already knew that we did not want more children, 4 was enough and we could share the love, adventure, blessings and cost together. When the grandchildren started to come and we have a new one on the way, we have extra energy for sharing and being with them, buying them cute and fun things, and the luxury of sending them back with the exception of the one we are raising and we love that even more! we are young grands, 47 y/o ea.
You won't lose the love or appreciation of your husband by not having children with him, he will be able to provide you more time and security honey.
Salina, look at yourself. Don't you see a beautiful girl that is smart, has a beautiful heart and loving son and stepchildren? One who can love unconditionally with wisdoms to share? I know that you do. It's hard for you right now, but take some credit for who you are and what you do. Having children does not define a woman. It defines a mother. I send my best to you and I will pray for you that you can have peace on this issue.
Be careful of that old serpent, the devil, satan. He sees and knows that you have a good marriage. His mission is to confuse you, and destroy you. If you could accept your husbands hand in marriage knowing full well that he did not want children then, don't let satan find an opening to use against you to destroy your marriage now. I really hope you read the last of this if nothing else. In all things, Salina, we must be wiser than the serpent. I really hope that you will assert your authority over satan and dispel him, tell him to get behind you. You are the author of your own happiness and God said that it Please him to bless us. I'm praying daily with you. You are strong you can get through this, just keep God in the equation just as you are doing.
In christian love,
Jen