My husband doesn't want to have child with me and I desperately do.

Family & Parenting Marriage & Relationships
21

Dear Salina,

I highly recommend you get some counseling to help you sort out your emotions. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, but sometimes an outside party can help you.

In all fairness your husband made himself clear before taking your vows. If you really want another child, this marriage may not be for you. Your husband has been very honest about not wanting another child, how he would resent another child, and how he would not help you raise another child. If by some miracle you got what you wanted (to get pregnant) it still would not bring you all the joy you want because he would not be a part of it and once the child arrived he would not be a good father for it. Imagine what that would do to a child growing up, seeking its fathers love and approval and never getting it because he/she was not wanted.

Since you can't have both, you need to decide what you want more, another child or your husband and act accordingly. Either way, get some counseling to help you deal with it all.

22

I think you broke your promise to him and now trying to guilt your way into him having a child with you. You knew from the beginning that he didn't want to have any more children and that there was a part of you that still wanted children, but you married him anyway.

You need to go to counseling to either save your marriage or go separate ways.

Also, I know you are probably saying God played a trick on you out of anger, but that anger needs to be directed to yourself. You knew you married a man that did not want more kids, but you did it anyway. How is this God's fault? Why are your torturing yourself? Why are you making him suffer? You need to either make terms with your marriage or move on and find a spouse that wants kids (has the same goals as you).

"My husband expects me to go through this and wear a smile and act like everything is ok." He is expecting that you live up to your promise, just like he is living up to the marriage vows.

I suggest these books:

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives by Dr. Laura. http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Women-Their-Lives/dp/0060976497/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245849842&sr=8-4

Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships
http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Couples-Their-Relationships/dp/0060512601/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245849929&sr=8-5

Please find it in yourself to move forward. God bless with whatever you do.

23

Hello Salina,

My heart goes out to you - it really does and I am sure you are not going to want to hear this but the TRUTH is....Your husband told you UPFRONT that he did NOT want to have anymore kids and that FACT will probably remain so. So many times women think that they will be able to change a man's mind, but the sad fact is, they can't. Your husband is 47 years old with two adult children and is pretty much "set" on what he does want and doesn't want in his life. I would say to YOU - don't waste your early years of marriage hoping, crying, agonizing over something that will probably never happen. Enjoy your marriage and the child that you DO have. Be glad that you have had the opportunity to bring forth a child - a BLESSING - into this world. Some women, unfortunately will never experience that - and you have. If you love your husband the way you say you do, and I believe you do, then just enjoy the life you have with him and don't push him away. You do NOT want another failed marriage, especially over something that you already knew before you got married.
I will be praying for you as I see how this is agonizing for you and you need not waste your young life being upset, crying, etc. Enjoy your husband and your son with activities together and enjoy the life that you had initially accepted - with no more children or else you may lose your husband and you DON'T want that I am sure.

Praying for your strength,
Karen B

24

Dear Salina,
Please go for counseling immediately!!!! You need help that goes deeper than getting advice through Mamasource. You need to learn to be honest with yourself about your wants and needs and your fantasies. Learn to look at the reality and your true feelings about what is happening. It seems your husband has been honest with you from the beginning and you thought he would change his mind in your fantasies. If he had a vasectomy back when you were just dating, that should have sent a strong message to you. It doesn't sound like you are dealing with him not wanting to have a child. It sounds like you are looking for a way to get him to change his mind. PLEASE GET SOME COUNSELING FOR YOUR OWN SAKE!

25

Salina this is SOO tough!

First I appreciate your courage to share this because I believe MANY women go through this very same issue. I can only suggest that you seek counseling, the fact remains that you "bought" into the marriage knowing that your husband didn't want any kids, and while you might have changed your mind along the way and discussed it with him, you married him with that understanding in mind. This (I hate to say) will be the deal breaker, unless you can get over this or if he comes to want another child, but that almost seems like the romantic version of this story.

I hope you find your way and wish you all the luck and strength in the world. Everything always works out for the best even if we can't see it right away.

26

I am so sorry,Salina. I think with patience and strength you might be able to get somewhere. I think that the new baby is the answer to your prayers. Maybe the only way that God would make him see how wonderful a baby is, is by sending one thru his son. God has not failed you. I'm sure if you look at it it from your husbands standpoint you would be feeling the same. Imagine, he went and got a vasectomy. And you and him agreed to this. If he's a stable and assertive person it will be hard for him to just switch back especially after the operation.

Try to turn this around and see it in a different angle. I think you will feel better. You are not selfish, you changed your mind about having a child and now... You have to work through the consequences of the decision both of you made. I think once he sees his grandson he might change his mind. (If that's Gods plan). Wait and pray,try not to put it aside for the time being. you are still young and can work on resolving this a few more years. Remember that all that is suppose to happen will, in due time. It just takes a lot of patience. Good Luck Salina.
Iris

27

Hi Salina! I think the birth of a grandchild is the best thing that could have happened to you. Why? Well, because you can help in raising that child. You mentioned neither of the parents work nor have any training. Obviously, they cannot live off the government or depend on dear ol' dad for the rest of their lives. Why not encourage the parents to work during the daytime and go to school in the evenings so they can have a career and support this child financially? It seems you work during the day, but you're home in the evening, so you could take care of the baby while they're going to night school, and this would help satisfy your maternal instincts until they're ready to raise that child on their own after becoming financially independent. Your husband would also win as the baby would go back home to the parents after they come home, so he doesn't have to deal with night time crying or night time feedings, if that's what turns him off from the idea of wanting kids. Make it clear to him that you do not expect him to have any responsibilities like changing diapers, and that the baby will only be there for a few hours. If they cannot handle work and school, they can just do either/or and let you have the baby for a few hours on some evenings, that way you'd be a free baby sitter for them and they'd get a break from the baby to have some time to themselves (like date time), which would also satisfy your motherly instincts. Nothing wrong with grandma being close to the baby, it would do you all a lot of good, the son would feel you're not the stereotypical "evil stepmother", the wife would have some time for herself, the baby would have a loving grandma that it can grow up to trust, and your husband would only have to be around the baby for a few hours per week. I have known lots of parents that had the grandparents raise their kids during infancy because they had to work or wanted to finish their education, and the kids now go to grandma for advice or to tell her personal information since they feel they can trust her and won't get the same judgmental attitudes or punishment as they would from their parents. Better that they trust a family member and form strong bonds with family than a stranger that can lead them down the wrong path.

28

I just wanted to write you. This is definitely a hard one, but I would say you might suggest going to a marrige couseling for just this subject so that you can resolve it. If you want to stay together one of you has to make some compromises. The way I see it is that if you do have a baby right now with him, your marrige will be in big trouble. Why would you want to have a baby with him so bad if he is not interested at all?? The poor baby needs a father who will welcome him and be there. I think you should consider yourself lucky that you havent had a baby with him. You need to ask yourself what you want more him or a baby because unless you go to a counsler and they can get him to compromise with you then you need to choose him or the baby. It is such a bad situation because you did know going into it, from the very beginning that he didnt want anymore kids. Maybe this grandbaby is a blessing and being that they are so young I am sure they will need a babysitter quite a lot. I dont know you or your husband so it is hard to really give advice, but I would really think about this long and hard before you do anything. Because for sure if you dont go to counseling and you somehow get pregnant and have a baby with your husband it is almost guarunteed that he will leave you and you will be left alone to raise the baby, which really isnt fair to you or the baby. I just want to say I am so sorry, but maybe this is just a phase and having a grandbaby that you can love and nuture, but give back to mommy for all the hard work might be enough for you. I just hope it all works out and my wish is that you go to couseling and your husband realizes how important this is to you and decides on his own that he wants to do this with you together. I wish you all the best.

29

Hi Salina,

I know you've already gotten an earful of advise, and probably not what your heart really wants to hear. And the reason for this is very simple: you went into that relationship know very well what to expect. He had the decency to be honest and tell you where he stood. Now, unfortunately, you are trying to change the rules of the game on him, and that is absolutely unfair. While I do understand your desire to have another child, I also realize that by getting married to him, you accepted the conditions, and that is not to say that rules cannot be changed along the game, but they have to be agreed upon by all involved.
He reminded you of his position by telling you he is not interested. And by sulking, crying and being depressed, you are acting like a victim. And that you are not! And if you keep it up, you are going to loose him, because he is going to feel the pressure and the resentment you will inevitably feel toward him.
You got married to a man who told you he wanted no more kids, you did not listen to yourself, and you made a promise that is so hard to follow through on... Now your options are limited. You can either not listen to your soul (that is telling you to have another child)and that will ruin your marriage or you can listen to your husband (and that is ignoring yourself)and spend the rest of your life resenting him for not wanting to sacrifice for you...
I really think you both need some counseling to help you resolve this issue and your feelings. Because in the end, both of you will resent one another and that, child or no child, will surely end it for you two.
As a woman myself, I often wonder why we get into relationships with a desire to change something about a man. The truth is, though we think they play games, more often then not, they give us there playing rules on the first date... We just think that if we love them enough, we will make them change their minds... So untrue!

I really wish you the best, and I truly pray that you will not decide to bring a child that is unwanted by one of his parents into this world...

30

Hi Salina,
Every being on this planet has his/her traumas, phobias and/or quirks. My son returned from his 10 yr high school reunion horrified. He told me that all his friends are broke, and very angry because their first marraige did not work and they must pay child support for at least 20 years. Consequently my son is 48 and not married, whatsmore when a girlfriend tells him "I'm pregnant" he tells her "How much?, I'm not ready to be a father yet".

I guess I'll be a grandmother in my next lifetime.

If you and your husband have children, I don't understand why do you want to start again? Most of us are real happy to be free. Having a baby is hard work, not to mention how you can't be spontaneous anymore. you can't just up and go to a movie or a dinner out, because now you have to find a sitter. Please get help, your not thinking normally.

Sorry to be so blunt,
Please Don't Ruin a good marriage ,
Dolores P.

31

Wow, this really is a big dilema... Big enough to ruin your marriage. You have to decide for yourself what is more important, your marriage or your desire for a child... Once you have made the decision you have to let the other one go. Your husband is right that it is not fair to bring a child into the world, especially if one parent is so against it from the beginning. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this and I know you are having a really hard time. You just have to prioritize what you want out of "your" life. Otherwise, you will be miserable no matter what. Having a baby with a man that is so against it will probably end up having the both of you resent each other so much you marriage may end anway. Good luck. Just make your decison, one or the other... and have no regerets.

32

Salina, your sound soooo sad, and your husband so opposed to having another child is like you're on two different planets. He sounds awfully egotistical and/or afraid because of his past experience.You should both get therapy NOW. Maybe it won't change your minds but you will be able to work some things out. You are a good mother with many hats on and a responsible person. Keep the faith.
As for your stepson's child, be happy for them. Keep their happiness separate from your problem. It is not their fault.
Get professional help. Good luck

33

well, i haven't read any of the other postings but here's my advice. if you love your husband and you value your relationship with him and his family then forget about having a baby. you BOTH agreed to not have children. if you desire a child this desperately to the point that your getting physically ill, then you might have to rethink your marriage because he obviously doesnt' want one. i have 2 kids with my husband and i had a tubal. we both agreed to not have anymore. neither one of us likes the baby stage and i detest being pregnant. that being said, we both love our children to distraction, and i, at times want another one also. almost like i have a piece missing. then i realize everything else and look at the world around me and thank god i had a tubal bc to brind a child into this world right now, is not a smart move in my opinion. maybe he just doesnt want you to be pregnant. have you discussed fostering or adoption. find out what the underlying issue is with a new baby. just think. he is older and he'll be close to 79 when the baby is 18. that is also a big deterent. coudl you imagine being that age with an 18 yo?

34

I am responding late. I haven't read anybody elses response. I see that you have tied this one up and thanked everyone, but please just let me dive in say this to you.

You come across as a very loving spirit filled with kindness. Your husband has been very honest with you on all counts to include before you were married about his feelings about having children. I feel that you are not the only one who needs counseling, but he does too. Could you ask him to come with? If that is out of the question then you may need to remind yourself of basic things.

-Til death do you part.
-for better or worse.
-the vasectomy is done.

-you have a child, he has a child
-A GRANDCHILD IS ON THE WAY! YOU HAVE THE FULL COURT ADVANTAGE OF HAVING THIS LITTLE DARLIN' AROUND AT ANYTIME YOU MAY POSSIBLY NEED. WATCHING THIS CHILD GROW AND FEELING IT IN YOUR ARMS IS THE SWEETEST THING IN LIFE. JOY UNSPEAKABLE. THE LOVE AND THE BOND OF PLANTING SEEDS THERE IS JUST AS, IF NOT MORE REWARDING THAN DOING SO WITH YOUR OWN CHILD. DID YOU THINK THAT MAYBE GOD MAY HAVE PLACED THIS GRANDCHILD THERE FOR YOU, BECAUSE OF THE MARITAL DISAGREEMENT? GOD DID SAY THAT HIS WISDOM IS NOT OURS. ALSO, THIS GRANDCHILD COULD JUST BE THE THING TO CHANGE YOUR HUSBANDS HEART ABOUT DECISIONS HE HAS MADE AND GIVE HIM SOME REDEMPTION ABOUT THE GUILT HE CARRIES DAILY.

You say that you love your husband so much and I do believe you with all my heart. I also believe that love sometimes requires sacrifice. You are hurting so much Salina, that it hurts me to read and feel the pain you are sending out. I wish that I could take that away for you, but we both know that you are the only one who can do it. I don't think you are being selfish. It's normal for any woman who can still bear children to want them just as much as a woman who can still bear and don't want them. You are fine, but I think that you may be obsessing in a way that will take you and your marriage to a place you can not come back from if you don't focus a little more on the blessings you do have, the ones you will receive and the honest husband that many women giving their opinions to you wish that they could get a smidgen of that honesty from their husbands. You are a big girl, so telling you that I do not ever suggest that a woman or friend divorce the union that God blessed unless it is dangerous and abusive, you do realize that if a baby is required that much by you you would have to divorce your husband to find someone to have a baby with. It may not be worth it. So focus on the good things that you do have going, the new baby for instance, Please be excited, you are in for a real treat with this grandchild, a whole new adventure in love and life you cannot imagine now.

My husband had 2 girls when we met, I had a girl and a boy. we already knew that we did not want more children, 4 was enough and we could share the love, adventure, blessings and cost together. When the grandchildren started to come and we have a new one on the way, we have extra energy for sharing and being with them, buying them cute and fun things, and the luxury of sending them back with the exception of the one we are raising and we love that even more! we are young grands, 47 y/o ea.

You won't lose the love or appreciation of your husband by not having children with him, he will be able to provide you more time and security honey.

Salina, look at yourself. Don't you see a beautiful girl that is smart, has a beautiful heart and loving son and stepchildren? One who can love unconditionally with wisdoms to share? I know that you do. It's hard for you right now, but take some credit for who you are and what you do. Having children does not define a woman. It defines a mother. I send my best to you and I will pray for you that you can have peace on this issue.

Be careful of that old serpent, the devil, satan. He sees and knows that you have a good marriage. His mission is to confuse you, and destroy you. If you could accept your husbands hand in marriage knowing full well that he did not want children then, don't let satan find an opening to use against you to destroy your marriage now. I really hope you read the last of this if nothing else. In all things, Salina, we must be wiser than the serpent. I really hope that you will assert your authority over satan and dispel him, tell him to get behind you. You are the author of your own happiness and God said that it Please him to bless us. I'm praying daily with you. You are strong you can get through this, just keep God in the equation just as you are doing.

In christian love,
Jen

35

Salina,

I am glad that you are a Christian because you NEED God's strength to get through this. Instead of praying for a child, I would suggest that you ask God to direct you to do what is His will, not yours. Your husband has every right to stand his ground with the child issue since it was accepted before marriage that he did not want any children. I know couples who had one child together and one spouse wanted one more but the other did not. I have also seen the resentment that this causes between the spouses and it's unfair to you to deny the very thing you want so badly and it's unfair to impose this on your husband, who has made it crystal clear that he is done with having/raising children. I'm a born again Christian myself and one of the hardest things we need to do is to give our troubles up to God. We have to do this because we have no power on our own to make a difference. I know that God frowns upon divorce and it may not be what you want but this situation may help you draw closer to God so you have to give it up to God. Let Him lead you. Let Him speak to your heart and ask Him to direct you to do what is right and His will. It's also really important that you and your husband have good communication at this time. Explain to your husband that you thought you were done with having children but the desire to have another one is very strong and what should the two of you do about it? It would be a horrible mess if you had a child and your husband resented you for it. What a terrible situation to raise a child in. Pray like you've never prayed before and listen for God's voice.

36

If you have a child, you will be heading directly for divorce. You husband will resent you for going back on your word and forcing him into a situation he doesnt want to be in, and you will resent him when the baby is up for the fifth night and he is completely unwilling to help you because you said you would do it all yourself. You are also doing the child a great injustice, because he will not have a bonded, loving relationship with this child. I don't know if selfish if the right word, as you are just a woman yearning to do what God meant for you to do, and that is a beautiful thing. But, being practical, this situation is NOT good for having a child and I would suggest you either give up the hope, or leave your husband and find someone else who does want another child. Either way you go with this, I'm so sorry for your obvious conflict and sorrow. I wanted a third very badly and decided against it because of financial problems. But the bottom line is, no matter how many good reasons there are for not doing it, it never takes away the desire. Focus on the child you have and be happy you were able to bring one beautiful life into the world!! Good luck. Try not to be too sad.

37

If you went into this relationship knowing he didn't want children and agreed that you wouldn't then I can understand your husband's resentment. That being said you are definetly young enough to have more children and the fact that you guys are so far apart on this subject may require counseling or just someone to help you guys through this. My heart goes out to you during these trying times. I pray that you guys are able to come to some sort of an agreement. Oh and maybe your grandchild is a gift from God not only to his parents but to you guys as well. You will probably be an amazing and doting grandma and can help the young parents shower love on the new angel.

38

Dear Salina,
Please know that you have a valid reason for wanting a child. As you have said, it is God's greatest job. However, if you insist as you are with the knowledge that you have, I'm sure that you already know that this is driving a wedge between you and your husband...Since you are already involved with children and this has not helped, please speak to your spiritual adviser at your church or go to counseling. It is a good chance that you have deeper emotions that surface as your need for a child. Counseling can help you to tap into/cope with these emotions.

39

Hello Salins:
Sorry to hear about you internal battle. I believe your husband was quite honest in telling you he didn't want any more kids even so that he had a vasectomy done while you were dating. You seem to have accepted that and married him knowing he would not give you a child. If you love him so much and want your marriage to last then you need to make peace with your decision and continue praying so God can give you strength. Celebrate the happiness of a Grandson is a blessing for both of them & maybe is the way also of God granting you a gift as well cuz it will be you and your husband helping them. I hope everything works out fine for you. Many blessings. I'l keep you in my prayers.

40

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