Two years ago, my husband became very close to his female co-worker. I am not the type of person who gets jealous easily but when i asked him about this woman he told me that she is very close to his heart.Since then,we argued about this woman on and off. She is married and a couple of months ago we attended a party at his office and the woman was there with her husband. I tried to be friendly with her so i started talking to her but she was on her cellphone and then suddenly walked away from me . told my husband about it that what she did was totally uncalled for and he said ,she has a lot of things on her mind. I got very upset and i told him that I also have alot of things in my mind more than she can handle but i was never rude to his friends. I also told him that whether i am right or wrong he should be on my side since i am the wife not her. So he apologize to me and i told him that he should back off from this woman.Then, last week we bumped into this woman again at the store. then my husband got very excited(that's how he is when this woman is around) and started to make excuses to talk to her. Adding insult to injury he even kissed her on the cheek(he claims he kisses everyone). I did not say anything but after that incident he told me that there's no reason for me not to like her and she was never disrectful to me,and i am just exaggerating everything i said. That's when i realize that he would never back off from this woman and no matter what he will always take her side. I am so hurt right now and i just really want to leave him. My husband claims he gets along with the co-worker's husband,I might be wrong but when i saw him he was not happy at all.
Hmm. Let me tell you another way of looking at this. I'm a retired police officer who worked mostly with men. I've been close to several of them. Being close does not necessarily mean that there is any sexual feeling involved.
I know that a part of the reason that I was close to men is because of our work. I'm a retired police officer and our lives could depend on our fellow officer, tho my life was never in danger. Still, working in a field that requires close contact and dependency does create close feelings.
It would help for us to know what field your husband and this woman are in. If they work closely together it naturally follows that they will be close.
If this is a romantic interest I suggest that you're going in the wrong direction if you want to discourage this. I suggest that because your husband wants you to be friendly with her their relationship is just a friends relationship. Men and women can be just friends.
You are coming across as jealous and petty. I suggest this is why your husband defends her. I urge you to try accepting her and being friendly. Get to know both her and her husband. Go out to dinner or a movie together. By being accepting you are allowing the relationship to be out in the open.
Based on my experience I suggest that your husband is just friends. He is not being secretive and is encouraging you to be friendly. You're taking his attempts as being on the woman's side but I see it as his attempt to include you in their relationship.
Julie, it depends on the person whether or not they use the term, "close to my heart." I have a male friend who keeps all his friends, male and female, close to his heart. I suggest that a man does this when he's not the typical macho man. Perhaps her husband is more the warm and caring man.
This is very inappropriate behavior for a married man or woman. I think you need to put your foot down NOW! This is unacceptable and I would have never allowed this to go on for this long. This has nothing to do with jealousy or anything. The only person he should be confiding in and tripping over himself for is YOU! Talk it out first, be firm, calm and mature. How would he like it if you met someone "close to your heart". I think he has feeling for her. You need to get to the bottom of this ASAP.
*Marda, a man does not say that a "friend" is close to his heart. I don't feel that she is coming across jealous or petty at all. Can you put yourself in her shoes. If your wife said "he is close to my heart" wouldn't you question that? I agree maybe they work in an environment that allows them to be thi close, who knows.
I wanted to add to this after thinking for a bit. The husband is always encouraging her to "be friends" with this woman - right? Well - then it isn't out of line for you to outreach to her and ask if you can meet for lunch. I should have clarified that is what I did when I spoke to the "woman" at my husbands job. We met for lunch, spoke a bit about what was going on, I explained that her friendship with my husband made me very uncomfortable, that we were struggling and asked kindly that she not outreach to him anymore. Suprisingly - she was fine with that and as far as as I know they have not spoken since. It can't hurt and you might find out that you are, in fact, over-reacting.
Can you outreach to the woman and ask her directly what is going on and to stay away from your husband? It's what I had to do in a very similar situation with my own hubby -it sucked and was the hardest thing I've ever done - but after that the shiz hit the fan, it all came to head, we were able to resolve (no sex but emotional affair) and move past.
However - be prepared that she might tell you that she is sleeping with your husband - so steel yourself.
Good luck.
"I tried to be friendly so i was talking to her while she was on her cell phone at the same time and suddenly just walked away from me. I told my husband about it that what she did was totally uncalled for and he said,she has a lot of things on her mind."
I do not understand, you were trying to speak with her while she was on the phone?
She walked away because she was on the phone.
Why would you be angry abut this? "I told my husband about it that what she did was totally uncalled for and he said ,she has a lot of things on her mind. I got very upset and i told him that I also have alot of things in my mind more than she can handle but i was never rude to his friends. "
But you were rude. You were speaking with her while she was on the phone.
And so all of this sounds very confusing.
Sometimes I hug and kiss people when I greet them, but I am not romantically involved with them. Some are people I am just very close with them.
I think you are put out because you felt slighted with the incident and then you do not like your husband to be fond of this co worker because she is a woman.
Figure out what t is you have a problem with and the REAL reason this bothers you. Then write it down clearly and then speak honestly with your husband.
I get the feeling you are dancing around the real reason. If you know what is worrying you speak honestly about it. No need to feel guilty. They are your feelings, you are a married couple and can just be honest without confrontation and figure out how to solve these concerns.
I am sending you clarity.
I have to say that even though you kind of jumped the gun regarding her phone call, there is something amiss going on with them both. If you can get your husband to go to marriage counseling with you before walking out, I hope you'll try that. He is SO wrong about how he is giving her his heart (which is what he is doing). If you really have decided you will leave him over this, perhaps you should demand to meet her and talk about her intentions toward him. That would bring it out in the open. What you shouldn't do is raise your voice at her or let things get out of hand.
If I thought that MY husband was having an affair with a coworker and he wouldn't go to counseling, or wouldn't stop doing what your husband is doing, I would talk to her. Thank goodness I've never had this happen, but I don't think I'd hesitate because if she realized that the gig was up, maybe she would walk away. And maybe your husband will realize that he doesn't get to pretend away his bad behavior.
Good luck,
Dawn
Regardless of whether or not you are being reasonable, I think if you are uncomfortable your husband should honor your wishes of not being so tight with her. I mean you are his wife. So I don't think he is right in that regard. The fact he said she is close to his heart is weird, I mean, who says that? But I am wondering if that is something cultural to him? I will say I had a friend who's hubby took a great liking to me and it actually made me not too comfortable. He just was always so fond of me, well turns out he was cheating on her and I think he would have with me if I had been open to that, which I of course was not. So the fact he dotes on her so much may very well be a red flag. But hands down, I believe he should back way off simply bc you, his wife asked him to. Now I do agree that you need to really identify what is the problem, like the fact he says outright she is close to his heart, and drop all this percieved offense over a cell phone call etc. I think if you focus on minor things, he may well just blow you off, but if you talk to him about the heart of the issue how he lights up around her and just sort of dotes on her and showers all this attention on her and that it makes you feel like crap, that would be more truthful and get a better result. Wish you the best....
Before you walk away from your marriage, get counseling.
I have to be honest with you, but what you write in your post seems like you easily overreact and maybe some of the things you describe that you are observing are tainted by your emotions.
I don't want to make you feel bad... I used to be very insecure and therefore jealous when I was younger. I would swear up and down that my boyfriend had something going on with someone else, I saw little hints everywhere and my mind went into overdrive... getting so upset about someone walking away to take a call, a kiss on the cheek... that's exactly how I would have reacted.
I would suggest that you find a counselor to help you work through this issue. A neutral party may help you and your husband see both of your behaviors with the yes of the other.
Good luck.
is there anything else going on in your marriage that makes you feel insecure? because if everything else is okay - i think you are reading a lot into nothing.
if you have other problems besides her - then you have a tough conversation ahead of you....
is this woman simply the personification of other problems you feel in your relationship?
I think your housband is very disrespectful.. He know that you dont like this woman and he had the ardesity to kiss her right in front of you! So disrespectful. How dare he let a friend, cause problems in his marriage. It dont matter if you are over exaggerating something. Obviously his friendship with her is more important than his marriage. Just my opinion. Go to counseling before you call it quits
Honestly if your husband was not just fond of the woman as a dear friend, he would not kiss her in FRONT of you (though tactless), he would not tell you blatantly she is close to his heart.
Your husband sounds like a friendly person who is totally oblivious to how this affects you. Try not to let it bother you so much. Trust your husband. If he wanted to cheat on you knowing how you really felt about her, he would LIE to you and cheat behind your back...Just based on what you said, I think you might be over-reacting!
And this is public...Think about what could have been/could be doing/could WANT to be doing in private.
Not good, at all. Is he willing to try counseling? He has serious boundary and respect issues, at the LEAST.
If it makes you uncomfortable, it should stop. Bottom line. End of story.
Your husband's priority should be his wife, not a co-worker.
I'm sorry I have a hard time believing anyone who says they'd be totally fine if it was their husband. And i am not petty or jealous or insecure. I also got the thing about the woman being on her phone and walking away from you. I don't think you were intentionally trying to interrupt her conversation, and I do think it's rude that she didn't signal maybe that she's on a phone call or for you to just wait a minute. That wouldn't have taken much effort. I know if I had a good friend at work and we were 'just friends', I wouldn't want to leave a rude impression on his wife.
The statement you said right there about your husband getting very excited when she is around is just a big red flag. Only you know your husband though, and if all this is not the norm when it comes to male or female friends then you know something is up. 'Close to his heart' should only be used for family/wife or very close friends. Not a female co-worker.
I disagree with the people who said to talk to the woman. Your problem is with your husband. She may or may not be the problem, or the cause of the problem. Furthermore, your decision to confront her could result in ramifications for him at work, and not many people can afford to unnecessarily rock the boat at work these days.
I do agree that it sounds like, based on what you wrote, that you interrupted her phone call, which, in fact, would be rude. If someone did that to me, I might have to also walk away (though I might also try to excuse myself first-even with a gesture if I couldnt pause the phone conversation).
I think you should talk to a counselor with your husband together to get at the root of what's going on. It may be nothing, but he should understand how you feel. It may be the beginning of something that can be nipped in the bud. Or it may be that there's a full blown affair, in Which case you deserve some honesty and to evaluate whether your relationship can bs saved.
I am your husband in this situation. I am a very loving, friendly, and kiss all my friends on the cheek. It doesn't mean that I have feelings for anyone else, or that I am hiding something,etc. I am very open about it , and my husband is a very secure person. He knows this is my personality, and has never tried to change me.
I think if your husband was trying to hide his feelings, or not discuss his friendship with his coworker that would be one thing. but , he is blatantly open about it, and doesn't see your side at all. It might be important to discuss your feelings, and how you have even thought about leaving him. If my husband was that upset about something I did, I definelty would tone it down, and respect his feelings. He is my husband. Or, if their wives/husbands were uncomfortable, that would change everything for me.
Sometimes people connect, and develop a strong friendship. It doesn't mean that they are having an emotional or physical affair. That is completely different. Especially if they are confiding in that other person more then their significant other, or sharing intimate thoughts, or beginning a physical one, etc. That is definetly crossing the line. It's all in a matter of boundaries. I know my boundary, and I make sure everyone else does too. It sounds like you both do not know your own boundaries in this situation. Time to communicate them.
I would look at his past and see if he has ever had friendships like this before. There's such a thing as emotional adultery, but there is also such a thing as a platonic friendship. I have long had male friends and while right now I have mostly women as close friends, there were times when running into an old buddy meant being swept off my feet in a bear hug (I'm petite).
If the situation is so tense that you feel that you want to leave him, then you need to talk to him about the severity of the situation. Consider marital counseling, because the core isn't this woman. The core is your spouse's behavior and your reaction to the behavior. She could be anybody.
You would not believe the shit people get away with in public when there is much more going on in private, simply because it's assumed that if it's "going on in front of you", there can't possibly be much more to the relationship.
He defended her, instead of taking your side.
He kissed her in front of you, and I don't care how touchy-feely he is, the only women my husband kisses are our sisters, mothers and aunts.
She's rude to you and avoids talking to you.
He said she is "close to his heart".
You are "exaggerating" circumstances and you "should like her".
Unless you guys are in an open relationship, this is all very inappropriate for a married man. The fact that it makes you uncomfortable is reason enough for him to stop this friendship with her. He should be concerned about YOUR feeling first, and not hers at all. I suspect there is much more going on, and would advise you to look at his emails and texting. if you find nothing inappropriate, be glad for that, but keep your eyes open. If he's not doing anything now, he sure wants to.
I say follow that female intuition!!! If something does not feel right about this relationship, I say start preparing yourself for something to go down. Good luck and stay strong.
This isn't on her but on HIM. He needs to deal with this and needs to respect boundaries. If you're not happy there's something wrong even IF he's not doing anything. You're not comfortable and he needs to make sure YOU are--NOT her.
I'm SO glad I love my husband's "work wife." I have HER put things in his ear for me. Works great, I LOVE that woman! We're so goofy but it works for us.
Good luck.
Wow, that's a tricky one. I recently stopped working due to my 2nd child and I did warn my husband about the dangers of getting close (going out to lunch repeatedly, working late, too many friendly conversations, etc.) to a woman co-worker. At first he discarded my warning, but then when the tables were turned, he got the picture. What your husband is doing is totally wrong and unfortunately things could get worse if they continue. These days it's way too easy to appreciate someone of the opposite sex. And even more so if your'e having a spat with your spouse. All of a sudden the other person becomes the sounding board of all your troubles. Then one thing leads to another, and so on. It's simply natural for things to progress with time. You have to somehow talk to your husband and make him aware that what he's doing is inappropriate and that he wouldn't appreciate it if the tables were turned. Good luck.