Actions speak louder then words. He has repeated his actions. He is accoutable for his actions and should be held accoutable.
It does not matter who the other person is-
PP mentioned conusling would be the best option to move forward.
I'm sorry, Carina, but he's cheating on you. I'm divorcing my husband right now after almost 20 years for the same thing... and it's happened on and off throughout those 20 years. I would confront him, he would stop, and later it would start up again with the same person. You have to decide whether you're willing to put up with it or confront him. I would guess that he needs counseling. My husband has self-esteem issues and needs outside validation that he's wanted, good enough, etc. Know that your husband may put the blame on you - if we had more sex, if you paid more attention to me, if you had more time for me, you're always tired, if if if if. Unfortunately, I have 3 friends also going through this. The internet makes this behavior easier to do and easier to get away with. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Consider marriage counseling as well. You're right - he'll likely be mad that you went behind his back, but remind him that HE was the one doing it, not you. HE made the choice to sneak, you were protecting yourself, your son, and your family by following up on your suspicions. Tell him that you want to make this work (assuming you do) and that means figuring out why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck. Email me if you need to talk.
Hi Carina,
I am so sorry you are hurting and that your husband is cheating. I don't think talking to your husband about it or monitoring him will help at all because he wants to flirt and he wants to hide it from you.
If you want to keep your marriage together and if you want to see if your husband's heart can change towards you, I would recommend reading, "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. It is a very, very unpopular book now but it has saved my marriage! It teaches women how men think, why they cheat, why they are cruel or lie to women, and how to get your husband to absolutely worship the ground you walk on and desire no other women. It sounds too good to be true, but I have been reading it and trying what she says, and it has had immediate, huge results in my marriage.
Try to read it with an open mind, because it is very traditional and a lot of the ideas made me mad, but they are still true.
For example, she says women should not work and men should be the providers because men have an inherent, biological desire to provide and protect for a feminine woman, and they lose this desire if they think that their wife doesn't need them financially or in any traditional masculine way. Second, she says that men will cheat with any woman that admires them. It is not about sex or what the other woman looks like. It is about being with a woman that admires their masculinity. She could be the ugliest woman, but if she seems dependent and feminine and charming and girlish, and if she admires him as a man, and if he wife is independent, he will go towards the admiration and the neediness, always.
I just think this may be the best way to go, because you can't change your husband's heart by confronting him. If you try everything in the book and your husband is still cheating, then you should leave him.
Best wishes!
Marci
You need to be brave for yourself and your little one. My husband had a problem with pornography and tried to keep this a secret from me for two years. Know that you did nothing wrong. Stay calm and focused when you talk to him about what is going on. If he is willing to stop this and wants to be fully devoted to you there are things you can do to protect your marriage. You can both have access to each others email, and you can promise to not be alone ever with a friend of the opposite sex. Know that if someone really wants to do something they can go to amazing lengths to keep a secret. He is your husband and should have no remorse over the friendship with this other woman or her feelings. You are the priority. Don't be afraid to ask for things if the goal is to protect your marriage. Jealousy is not the problem here, but inappropriate relationships, online or in real life can be damaging to a marriage.
You are in my thought and prayers. Have faith and be direct.
You have lots of other responses already, but I feel its important to respond. You get to know that this is not the behaviour of a monogomous man. He is enjoying the flirt, the excitement, whatever. If your beliefs are such that that his behaviour is inappropriate for a married man then you get to stand up for yourself and go see a great life coach. Find someone who can assist you in finding your inner strength and who can help you move a lot of that emotional energy that is in your system. Girl - you are worth being adored, honored, loved and cherished - not cheated on. If your husband is willing to do a lot of inner work on himself, then you have a chance of having a marriage that is satisfying, uplifting and even magical. Otherwise it will be more of the same.
Lots of love and support!
A friend of mine whom I met through an in-law. Well she was saying inappropriate thing to my husband and to me about my husband. I told my hunsbad what she was saying and he agreed that it as wrong. Much later she came to visit she was extremely inappropriate with my husband around me and our son. We no longer speak, I am not upset.
Talk to him if he denies it show him what you found and tell him you want to trust him but here's proof why you can't.
Good Luck!
My dear, you are between a rock and a hard place. Your husband's behavior is beyond contempt. Here you are, working to put him through school and he is home having an "affair" on the internet. I know this sounds cruel, but I would dump him in a minute. the only way I wouldn't is if he would agree to go to counseling and really meant it. It doesn't sound to me like he is repentant at all, so counseling may not work. I really say, And I know this is horrible for you to think of, kick him out, or if you have to , leave yourself, with your kids. this behavior is deplorable!
Carina,
I have gone through this same situation with my husband just a few short months ago. My husbands ex-wife was the one with whom he was messaging and speaking to when I was not around. I told him to put himself in my shoes and how would he feel if I was talking to some old boyfriend. He ofcourse said that he wouldn't be upset at all since I have no contact with any of my old boyfriends. I'll just go straight to the solution that we used. I told him it was inappropriate to be texting with her and speaking to her now that we are married (we had just celebrated our 12th anniversary a month earlier). I told him that she was expecting more out of the situation than he was realizing. He asked me what I wanted him to do about it and I told him to break it off completely. He did and I told him that he SHOULDN'T be upset with me for checking things out. Obviously he had given me a reason to have to. Luckily we had just been in marriage counseling so we were able to really talk about the situation. He told me that he felt the reason he was in contact with her was because she was giving him some attention during times when I wasn't (we have 4 kids 10, 9, 5, & 3) and that he felt like we weren't spending time out of the house with just the 2 of us. Jump forward to about a month later. He called me up (he travels out of town for work for 2 days at a time) and told me that he had this huge feeling like he needed to call his ex. He didn't know why but his gut was really telling him this and would it be okay if he called her. I told him if his guts talking to him he needed to call. About 30 minutes later he called me back and said that he now understood what I had been saying. She had gotten back together with her husband after mine had told her they couldn't talk anymore. If you would like to hear the whole story, just email me and we can exchange info! Hope I helped!!! [email protected] Good Luck!! Maureen
Hi,
I want to be as honest as possible. My father-in-law decided that he was going to get a cell phone, and he purposely has the bill sent to his work place so my Mother-in-law did not find out. We found out that the phone was shared with a "friend" who was a woman. This was the start of a snowball running down hill. He fell in love with this woman, who was at first "just a friend" and left his wife for her then it gets really complicated from there. My in-laws were married for 27 years and because of "innocent" talking a lot happened.
It is a problem right now in your marriage, not saying it is a huge one, but it can very quickly turn into a huge problem. No one wakes up one morning and says I am going to get a divorce, it starts somewhere. I am happy that you have caught this. (My mother-in-law didn't know what was going on until after the divorce) now you can fight to get your husband back to where he belongs.
Also, you know what she is saying to him right? Don't nag your husband, it will drive him away. Fight for him, be the best loving wife you can be, shower him with love. If you become the sexy fun wife then he won't be talking to a woman who gives that need.
I might be jumping to far forward on this, but like I said previously, it can quickly become something bigger. Take care and be blessed.
Shannon
Carina,
You are not his Mother, you are his WIFE. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to police his activities. It's obvious that you do not trust him. It is obvious that he doesn't deserve your trust at this point. Anything kept "secret" that is potentially harmful or hurtful is not OK. You should not have to live that way. I would say marriage counseling and to heck with the other woman, you confront your husband and let him know that you know and you want it to stop. Cheating isn't just sleeping with someone. It is any explicit, ongoing relationship that affects your marriage in a negative way. I wish you luck and happiness.
Marriage counseling is such a great thing to help couples be able to "talk" to each other again. He might feel like he needs a "friend" but that talking leads to other things. He should be "talking" to you. He should be sharing HIS life with YOU. Maybe he needs to find a job too to help he stay busier. He might be worth it to put your son in daycare??? I would discuss your options with him and give him some ultimatums if you have to.
I see that you have gotten lots of advice, but I will tell you what I would do because it's a little bit different. I would print out all of the e-mails between him and the other woman. I would spread it all out on the computer desk where he will see it the minute he sits down and write a note on top that says: "Is it worth your marriage?" I think that would shock him into thinking about exactly what he is doing, and then you guys can have an in-depth conversation about it. I would also e-mail the conversations to the other woman's husband. After that, I think I would go to marriage counseling. Anyway, hope that helps. Take care and good luck to you.
Sounds like he's the type to go around your back with more than just emails.
I do believe that men and women can be friends without any sexual tones to it. This doesn't sound so innocent.
I would have so much trouble trusting him, I'd leave. Blunt but true.
My ex lied all the time. I couldn't handle it and after 12 years of marriage, I ended it.
Maybe counciling will help. I didn't abandon my marriage lightly. Any decision you make must be well thought out.
I see that you have alot of advise and I just want to let you know you are not alone. My husband flirted at work with a coworker and sent texts ( thought none were inappropiate) but the point is that it led to one thing....an affair. I will be 6 years come January and we are still together and he is a totally different person. But he had to decide to change. I finally decided that I was worth more than being his wife to complain about. I kicked him out when I finally realized I deserved more and I could get more. He has worked really hard to gain my trust, though I am still haunted with feelings of low self worth and fear. But don't let him treat you like this, there are too many good guys out there and you deserve more. Just my two cents, hope you work it out for what is Best for YOU.
Hi Carina,
I know that this is a few days later, but I showed this to my husband and he wanted me to share this with you.
"Since this isn't the first time he has engaged in this completely inappropriate behavior, There are products that you can install on your computer, his computer, all of your computers that will either block certain sites, or monitor IM, Chatting, programs and then you can program it to be sent to you or in a log that you can check when ever you want. If he is really wiling to "do whatever it takes" then he should have no problem installing these. If he doesn't for WHATEVER reason, he is still hiding something. Also, Be prepared for the fact that he may have already "jumped the fence".
We use BSAFE at our house. This program blocks all inapprop. forwars with sexual content, language, pictures. all kinds of stuff. You get to set the paramaters. We don't want to see that stuff and we definately don't want our boys to be "exposed" to any of it either!
Accountablity is important after a breech of trust.
Keep eyes and ears wide open. Good luck.
Having an emotional relationship with someone else when you are married is cheating! Even if there is no sex involved because it is straying from the marrital bond that the two of you share. That said, there is something misssing in the marrage that he is not getting from you and that is why he feels he need this connection with this other woman. I would suggest that you talk to him about how he feels the marriage is going and what needs to happen to make it better. Counciling can help the two of you communicate better if you don't feel like you can do it alone. You need to find ways to reconnect as a couple and make things exciting again. There is a website that I find very helpful. It is www.toolstolife.com. On this sight you work with a life coach to help you work through issues you are going through. I think if you and your husband both sign up and work through you issues it will truely help your marriage. The tools to life website is free. I have used it myself and have heard possitive feedback from others. Good luck, I know this is a hard thing to deal with but hang in there. Stephanie L
Hi Carina,
I have recently been in the same situation. Pregnant with my first and my husband was sending inappropriate e-mails and text messages-he swares it was never physical. It has been a rough time for me. I'm still learning to deal with it. I too found comfort in the messages people wrote me when I blogged this. A few days after I wrote a similar response to everyone as you have. But for me insecurities crept back and it hasn't been easy. We are making it work. Confronting what caused it-there were things on both sides that we are working on together. I want it to work-I love my husband dearly as you do yours. But I wanted to let you know that it probably won't be easy but you can get through it. I, however have not been able to not snoop-I still have trust issues and a lack of confidence in my husbands love for me which I never for a second had prior to this experience. I feel bad snooping b/c my husband sounds so sincere in his regret but I have to put myself and my baby first and he was the one who made the mistake and I feel justified in doing what I have to to help myself feel more comfortable and begin to trust again. We haven't gone to therapy but I think it is great that you are. Good luck. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and that it is okay if takes a while to get over it-it is a very tramatic thing to happen in a marriage. It broke my heart and I'm slowly piecing it back together. But I have faith that it can be done.
This is a really tough situation. I didn't trust my now ex husband either. He had emails and pictures of ex girlfriends, continued calling them, and he also knew how much it hurt me. I tried pushing my jealousy aside and my hurt feelings aside. I really REALLY tried to trust him. Tried to make it work, for our kids' sake. At the time our boys were 3 and not quite a year. He left for an out of town business trip for a couple months. When he came home for Christmas, he was hiding something. I didn't know what it was but something was different. He was cheating on me and had already proposed to the other girl. I had no idea! And that was it-I could never trust him again! So I knew it was right to divorce him. In my opinion, if he is doing it know, what else is there that you don't know about? And if he thinks it is ok now, what would make him stop? You don't know with whom else this is going on with, and he probably won't stop. I am so sad that you are feeling that same heartache that I felt. It is really hard to know what to do. It is really hard to make your decision, as you can't wait for him to change or make a choice between this other woman and you. You have to make your choice. you will either put up with it and be miserable, like I did. Or you will recognize that that is not normal in a relationship and he is betraying you. And you will make the hardest decision of your life, do you stay or do you go? I hope things will turn out for the best for you. My heart goes out to you, because I feel your pain! I have been there and done that! Oh- and pray! Pray that you will make the right choice! God bless you!
Okay, there is something really wrong. If he KNOWS that you were hurt, and he's found another way to maintain this relationship he has with this other woman in a way that he thinks you won't know about, then you've got a big problem. If he hasn't cheated physically yet, he is probably about to. You are supporting him, you said? I'd watch that. Are you sure he's not just using you? Once he has what he wants....he may very well leave.
The fact that he is continuing this relationship shows a BIG problem, and the fact that he reconnected secretly is the biggest red flag you can get. You need to confront him and either you guys need to go to couple's therapy, or you need to deal with it another way. I understand you not wanting to break up your marriage, but you need to be wary of him turning around and doing the same thing....that may already be his intention, and these clues are clear indications of that.
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through a situation like this, and I wish you the best of luck...but NO woman deserves to be disrespected like that!
Good luck with everything, I hope that you and your husband can work things out and get back to a point where you can trust him again. I noticed that you said that you can not afford couseling, what about LDS Social services? They offer free counseling. Many couselors also offer a sliding scale so you do not have to pay as much as someone who makes 200,00 a year.