My husband has had problems in the past of emailing/texting/IMing with other women, and the conversations are usually sexual (most of the time, they're with women who he knew before we met, not total strangers). The last time around, I found out about the texting and I wrote an email to the other woman, letting her know I knew and that it was highly inappropriate. She responded about how sorry she was, said she wouldn't talk to DH again, and subsequently deleted my husband as her friend (this was on Facebook). I told my husband I had emailed her, and while he regretted that they were no longer "Facebook friends", he seemed okay and sorrowful that he had hurt me. Anyway, now we're about a month later, and I found out they've been messaging each other on Facebook again. In these messages, they've decided not to become friends on Facebook again because I would see that on my profile, not to text each other because DH knows I look at the cell phone records, and that they're going to keep it all secret. The messages this time aren't incredibly inappropriate (though there has been some flirting, mostly--and I hate saying this--on my husband's side), but the fact that they've agreed to keep it a secret from me is what hurts the most. How do I talk to my husband about this? He'll know I went behind his back and looked in his emails and Facebook account. Part of me feels guilty for spying on him, but another part feels justified because he has betrayed my trust before, and I wonder if he even deserves to have privacy anymore when these are the kinds of things he does while I'm away at work (I work to put him through school--he stays home with our son all day) or late at night after I've gone to bed. Please, any advice, sympathy, etc. would be much appreciated!
First I have to say that what your husband is doing is disgusting, and immature. I'm only 31 and I don't understand the whole Facebook, texting, IMing thing. I think that kind of thing should be left out of marriages. It's teenage stuff. As horrible a thing it is that your husband is having any type of relationship with other women, I have to ask, how are you contributing to the problems in your marriage? What are you not giving him that he is seeking in other women? Are you bitchy or naggy when you come home from work, or do you come home with a smile on your face, kiss and hug him, and enjoy the evening with him? Do you praise him for taking care of your baby and the home? Think about it from that perspective. If you were the one home taking care of your son, how would want your husband to behave when he came home from work? Unless you married a complete jerk,(and you would have known that while dating him before you made an innocent child with him)men don't generally go looking for other women unless the woman they have at home isn't taking care of him. I know you will get defensive about this, but you really have to look at yourself and determine what you aren't giving him. Once you figure that out, start changing your behavior and give him a reason to only want you. Being that he is home all day, he has a lot of time to spend on other women, and he could possibly be taking your son with him when he wants to see those other women. I would get rid of the internet, or change all of the passwords so that he can't use it for the reasons he is. Here's the thing...you have a child together, and it is in your child's best interest that he has his mom and dad under the same roof for the next 17 yrs. That is going to take work. I don't mean to spend the next 17 yrs hating your husband and giving him reasons to have affairs. I mean, change yourself, be a good, nice, loving, sexy, giving wife, and unless he is an idiot, he will stop this behavior and focus on you and raising your son together. You really don't want your son growing up thinking that this is how a REAL MAN behaves. If all of what I suggested fails, meaning that you give all you have to changing your behavior, and he still insists one having affairs, chalk it up to you screwed up in picking a husband and father for your son, and move in with your parents. At least then your son would see how married people are supposed to behave. He would have stability and a good role model (grandma and grandpa) to be able to be a good husband and father when he grows up. That is the whole point in raising children. You are supposed to give them the tools they need to become respectable, compassionate, successful, kind adults. Also, please don't have anymore kids with this guy unless you are 5 yrs down the road and he has spent those 5 yrs being your husband(not looking for other women) and a good father to the one child you already have. Marriage is work, and if you aren't putting all you have into being a good wife, he isn't going to put all he has into being a good husband.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! This is so hard, but he IS being unfaithful to you. Maybe not physically, (not that you know of, anyway!)but he is going outside of your marriage for something that should be for you two alone. Especially the stuff you discovered originally. He doesn't sound like he is particularly concerned about it, either. I guess how you confront him depends on what you intend to do about it. I'm amazed you have any kind of guilty feelings when he has WAY overstepped the bounds! Honestly, if it were my husband and he was not actively seeking to get things back on track, I would kick him to the curb. I know this isn't necessarily the right answer for you, just saying what I would do in your shoes. I will also tell you that I have very strong feelings against divorce in general, but infidelity or abuse are both very valid reasons to look at it. I do think that when you confront him, you need to let him know how serious you are, and how it is affecting you. Is he actually willing to work on the marriage, or is he still determined to carry on this way, and in deceit? Again, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, and I hope you can get things resolved.
hi, Carina,
there is a wonderful book on this subject called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Emotional intimacy can be just as much a betrayal as physical intimacy. It sounds like you and your husband need to talk about what is going on and why he is looking for emotional intimacy outside of the marriage. You may need professional help for that discussion.
I do want to be very very clear - though he may feel you are not giving him something he needs, the affair is NOT your fault (I'm a marriage and family therapist, by the way). He is the one deciding to break your marriage vows, instead of working things out with you. So ask him to work with you to improve things, instead of letting things go bad. Use a therapist, or clergy or whatever type of program helps the two of you. You can find lots of resources at www.smartmarriages.com .
take care,
Susan
Carina-
I am sorry you are going through this, but please don't take Kate's advice. You are not doing anything wrong... We all have bad days and things and that does not give your husband the right to be emotionally unfaithful. I do think you need to talk to him and if you can't work things out that's fine, but nobody deserves to be treated that way. Good Luck
I don't have any advice, just that I think Susan is right. I just want you to know that I read your request and that I feel for you.
I guess I do have advice...I think every marriage can benefit from counseling. You need to be compassionate and forgiving, but also stand up for yourself and make the boundaries clear.
In some situations of our marriage all my husband needed was the therapist to tell him he was wrong, actually I think he knew he was wrong when he was explaining himself to the therapist.
This is becoming much longer than I thought it would be, I think you've gotten good advice, I just want you to know that I I am sad for you.
Good luck!
I'm sorry to hear this. This is a character issue on his part, unfortunately, which means there's nothing you can do to fix it. You could drag him to counseling, but he'd probably just become a better actor.
My suggestion is to give very serious thought to the idea that this problem will get worse over time (because most problems get worse over time!), and then think about your child/children/marriage. Would it be easier to make a decision if the problem lasted longer or got worse? Will you look back and wish you had done something serious about it today? Will you kick yourself for having more children? Counselors see these problems all the time, and problems have their patterns. Perhaps a counselor could walk you through the typical long-term relationship scenarios re: infidelity, and you could have a better picture of what might happen and what choices people typically make. Perhaps it would be best not to have any more children with this man.
If you wanted to do something drastic today, you could leave him with the baby and go live with your parents or sibling. Open a new checking account so that he can't access your paycheck. Tell him that you will not pay for the next semester, which starts in January, right? Because if you happen to be heading for divorce, you do not want him to be a dependent spouse, because you'll be paying child support to him, the primary caregiver, and then he'll never get a job.
Keep sentimentality out of your decision, because he is certainly keeping sentimentality out of his decisions, isn't he?
Wow!! How brave are you!! I recenly went through an infidelity an(41/2 years ago).
I don't think it ever gets any easyier, it only takes time and healing and that is only if it does not keep reaccuring.
You sound so smart and like you are just trying to validate that it is ok to leave or kick him out.
Do you need him or does he need you.
I didn't leave my unfaithful one who i know has been unfaithful more than one time and i stayed for the kids. (14,10,7,4)
but i wish that this last time i would have kicked him out . Just to see what he would do, you know??
You should know that you baby is so young that he wo't remember the split if that is what you choose. And i think that he should be working and contributing some how.
Now you should think about doing a date night to rekindle anything that still might be there,
we all get way to comfortable with our relationships and take one another for granted the each other is doing what they need to be to keep eachother satisfied..
Like you said you knew about this before you were married and still you chose to marry him thru good and bad . Well unfoutunaly this is bad. But bad as it is cheating is not in the contract unless one stops and is truly sorry.
Here is how you confront the situation; tell him that a co-worker e-mailed you and it kind of made like he is coming on to you. What should you do? Then let him catch you on your email giggly and happy. Then out of the blue say i need to go to the store. Take a little extra time as to make him wonder.
So basically give him a little taste of his own medicine or just flat out tell him you can't take it anymore and you want him to leave or get rid of the computers.
There is no easy answers to this good luck and god bless
Go read Proverbs 20:6. I feel like you are wasting your time on him, unless he treats you better than the trash he corresponds with, and that is his personality to flirt with everyone. Even then there are appropriate types of flirting and inappropriate types.
Your husband has a decision to make and the sooner the better! Is he or is he not prepared to honor his marriage vows and cleave only to his wife? The decision to be faithful to your wife does NOT depend on how she dresses, her income, does she act sexy or any other foolish thing. It is a very simple character/maturity issue and you deserve a very simple, straight forward and honest answer to your question. If he does want to be faithful then he ceases ALL communication with the other women immediately and gets in touch with a pastor or counselor for accountablility. If he is not prepared to spend the rest of his life being faithful to ONLY you, then at least you have the truth to base your decision on and you found out early on in your marriage before wasting years on a man who refuses to honor you as his wife and will be setting a bad example for your son. Find an older couple with a long and happy marriage and ask for some support and help. You do deserve a faithful husband! Hopefully, he wants that too and just needs to be set straight. Don't back down or settle for anything less than complete fidelity or your marriage will always remain an unhappy one.
Carina,
My heart goes out to you--I have a 2 y/o daughter and am going through a divorce right now over a similar issue. As hard as it's going to be, you need to talk to your husband about it. He needs to know that what he is doing is considered infidelity. If he is willing to go to counciling with you, please go. If there is something you two can work on together that will improve the situation, then counciling can help you identify that. Give him another chance to change. But if this behavior continues, I would consider moving on. Two years into a marriage is very early to be concerned if your husband is having other relationships behind your back. Not being able to trust your partner is a horrible feeling and living in fear of what's going on will exhaust you. Give him the opportunity to change, but if he won't, move on. My heart goes out to you, but please set clear boundaries for what is acceptable and what is not and stick to them.
Melissa B.
Dear Carina A.,
I am so sorry that you are having this problem with your husband. I hope you realize that he is cheating on you and that you have every reason to be upset, angry, and torn inside. You not only have the right to invade his privacy, you must. He has forfetted all trust and priveleges (His privacy) in this marriage. He has broken his vows to you. This is a marriage breaker!! He knows that it is wrong and has gone to sneaking around. You must confront him immediately with a consequence attached. I would require a separation with a requirment of marriage counseling before he can return. You will know very quickly if he truly loves you and is invested in your marriage. He will want to anything to make it right. Do not take the quick fix either. He needs to be out for at least 6mo. to a year. You must know with certainty that he has changed for good before you re-unite. Don't be anyones 'door mat', that is anything but a marriage and will lead to a lose of self- respect and depression. Cheering for you!!!!
Starla H.
Sympathy is exactly what you are getting from me. This is a hurtful situation and one you have handled much more gracefully than I wold have. I read a survey one time that women were more likely to forgive a sexual affair than a intimate "friendship" affair. The fact your husband is able to give that affection to another other than you is WRONG. I dont care how "innocent" he feels it is.
Now, it is time for you to stop looking for sympathy and take a stand. I beleive there are respectful and loving ways to do that, but this has to end. End now. End purposefully. You may have to have a difficult conversation and learn what your husband is not getting from you he feels he is getting from her. (I am not saying this is an EXCUSE for him, he is WRONG). Please do not be naive and think this will end with flirtation. It will escalate. I am certain if the roles were reversed he would be equally devasted. (Do not go out and play tit for tat.)
I had a friend in a similar situation. Her best friend's husband actually called her husband and said: "look, you keep foolin around and you will wake up divorced one day." He, thank God, got the message. You need to talk to your father, a pastor, or counselor on good tools to deal with this.
My personal strategy, which I would not neccissarily reccomend: I would pack up, move me and my little one to a family members house and let my husband know that when he is ready to honor his vows and work on OUR relationship, I would be back. This says, I love you but respect myself too much to be treated this poorly. Just my two cents, humble as it never is.
I wish you the best and pray he pulls his head out. What is wrong with a woman who wants another womans man anyway? She is pathetic. Ugh.
After re-reading your post, I want to add. Stop supporting him! That is his job. If he can take your support and cheat on you, he has to have a line drawn and quickly. He needs the opportunity to be a MAN. So, no more tuition, he is taking advantage and needs a really loud alarm clock to go off in his head. Bless you!
check out marriagebuilders.com
and also--if the other lady is married, contact her husband and let her know of the content of the emails and contact. That you asked his wife to stop and she has continued. Exposure is best. Yes tell his best friends, his parents, siblings anyone who might be able to get through to him that what he is doing is innapropriate. Yes he will get mad but before anything else can happen to save the marriage the behavior has to stop.
GL
I'm sorry you are dealing with this! All I can say that if I were in your shoes I'd tell him he has a choice, either stop flirting with other women and be the husband he should be, or he can get out. You don't need to put up with that and your son doesn't need to see it either. If he grows up watching his dad treat his mom with no respect then why should he show women respect when he grows up? Know what I mean? I know it won't be easy, and it will be painful but I think it would be the best option if he refuses to stop the behavior.
Hope this helps
Umm, I hate to say this, but why are you still with this man? If it were me, I'd have ended the relationship with the first round of sexual e-mails. He's being unfaithful to you, and sooner or later you're going to have to face that fact. Find someone who will value you!!
It's terrible to 'hear' about things of this nature, Carina. I've never been in a situation like yours, I can't commiserate with you. What immediately came to mind though when I read your post is this:
Don't make threats you don't intend to, or can't, follow through with.
While everyone has a certain right to privacy, when another person takes advantage as you describe your husband doing, boundaries must be set and stuck to. Remember that your husband is an adult, not a child to be 'spyed' on and reprimanded. Understand, also, that anything you choose to do will affect your child.
You're doing a good job mommin', and taking care of your family.
Ada
Hi Carina,
Wow, a lot of responses. You have many good ideas and I would just add that you are in a better place than many women that may run into this situation as you are financially able to hold to your decision, make that decision based on what is best for you and your son. Many women could not even threaten leaving because they are completely dependent on their husbands for financial support of the family. I think the women that say this will only get worse are correct. My husband always felt that if he didn't tell me about communications he was having with ex girl friends then he wasn't lying. It is lying by omission and it is deceitful and it will only get worse. If he doesn't understand this and can't connect with why it makes you feel bad then you need to look at what is important to you and your future. Again, you have the financial security that many do not have. What ever you decide make sure it is something you can follow through with. Good luck, continue to have respect for yourself and do not let him make you feel you are out of line in this. He is.
SarahMM
I haven't read the other responses, but as a divorced woman partially for this very reason above I say it is time to confront him one on one when your son is in bed and ask him what compels him to do this. Ask how he would feel if you were doing this? It is cheating, it is being sneaky and it isn't a way to continue a healthy marriage.
He has choices here, he can go to counselling with you, delete all his facebook friends, stay off the computer and work on your marriage, or he can think what he is doing is okay but think about what it would be like to be a bachelor and doing it alone.
It is not okay. You have to feel like you can trust him. You shouldn't have to "spy" on anyone that you are in a relationship with! Ever!
My ex got into a relationship via online and cellphone with a old high school girlfriend from high school, I was led to believe it was innocent, just hashing the past type thing, turns out he still loved her and she was ending her marriage so they wanted to reconnect. She lived 1,000 miles away and guess what? He left me and my children to try and see if the old feelings meant anything and he could live out his fantasy!
It didn't work out, she went back to her husband but our marriage was beyond repair and he still lives in another state and on his 5th relationship since leaving us three years ago.
My point being, you cannot change him or force him to do something but you do have the right to give him ultimatiums and not tolerate deception at any level.
It isn't okay and if you were the one to be doing it I am sure he would feel like you do.
Trust is essential to a good marriage, once that fails then there is little you can do if the other isn't willing to do everything in their power to earn it back.
My ex didn't care to go to counselling, which I guess is fine, he has met everyone he has dated online, so it is a dangerous habit and pattern.
Hang tough, set yourself down and write down what you need and talk to him. You teach people how to treat you and if you tolerate it, you are letting him do this as much as it is his choice.
He must respect you and earn your trust back! Hang in there hun! I hope it works out that he gets his act together!
Hi Carina;
I have read all these suggestions and I do understand many of them. I have a husband, who I love dearly, but early on made some bad choices and did some inapportiate emails. I spoke to my minister at my church and we decided to hold him accountable to other men. I think that bringing a pastor or counselor into the equation is one great way to go. Does he have any male friends that are honorable men that would hold him accountable? Share your feelings with him with honesty and let him know that he has broken your trust. Does he really want to share a marriage and children with you. These types of communication with other women is dangerous. If it was on the apporiate level then he could be honest with you. Can he tell you that he is talking to this other women for work or as a friend, without confrontation. Probably not which is a big red flag! Anything that is a secret is not a good marriage. Please seek some help and know that you are not alone.