an unknown child.... from my hunsband's past.... ???

Family & Parenting Extended Family
1

I'm very new to Mamasourse and this is the first time i have posted anything... from what i have read so far, this seems to be the perfect place to ask for some help, so here goes... my husband and i have been married for 4 years now and have 3 beautiful babies together. we share a very open and loving relationship so when he received an e-mail form a women from his past he immediately shared it with me. her e-mail stated that my husband was her son's father, and that she didn't want our money or for him to stand up to his responsibilities all she wanted was for him to be part of his life or to at least write him a letter explaining why my husband didn't want him so she could give it to him when he was older (needless to say she contradicts herself a lot). as i read this e-mail i began to get flush with anxiety and still have absolutely no idea how to react. our initial reaction was of course to man up and be the father/family that little boy deserves. after discussing the situation further, it turns out that they had a very brief relationship and after he ended the relationship she went a bit crazy, calling him to tell him that someday he would realize that she was the one for him and that he would come back to her. apparently she has 3 boys all form different fathers and she isn't entirely confident in the paternity of all of them (hence the reason for the break up). he has never spoken to her again since then and was told by a friend of a friend of a friend that she moved to California shortly after the relationship ended. my concern at this point is that we have already established a family, and as i'm not apposed to taking responsibility for the situation(raised in a similar situation myself) i still fear the emotional stress and confusion we will all face. and what happens if we start to take he steps to making the situation work only to find it was all a hoax or misunderstanding? this might sound a bit childish but it's simply not far that a women can have a baby and not even give the father the option to be a part of their life from the beginning! i think she made a horrible decision waiting this long to tell him and i simply don't think it's fair to this child as well. either way this little boy is going to grow up mad at someone... if his mother tells him now that is daddy is alive and well she he will be mad at him for not being there and if we do step up and be his family he will be mad at his mother for making such a poor decision, not to mention the awkwardness he will feel. i just don't know what to do? if she is crazy and i call her bluff and she is right i don't want her to take us to court, and who knows maybe she is contacting us now because she is experiencing financial stain... i know that was a pretty long explanation but i haven't slept or really eaten in 3 days and i think talking about will help. i welcome any idea's on the situation.

a concerned wife and mother,

2

First, I would like to suggest that you let your husband handle the interactions with her. You don't want to aggravate her and the situation by trying to step in. Second, if she really wants him to be a part of this child's life then she needs to prove he is the father. And the only way to do that is obviously through a paternity test. I would say that if she is willing to submit the child to the testing, then your husband should do the same. If he ends up being the father, then take it from there. If he's not, that's the end of it...

3

Wow, you guys are in quite a pickle you guys are in. First of let me say sorry and I feel for you. I am actually in a similar situation but I'm the boys mom. I only have one AND I know who the father. He was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive so we've been separated for almost 5 years now.

I don't want him around, nor am I asking for anything. I actually canceled the $11,867 dollar child support order because they, mom and him, threatened to get join custidy just because he knew that way he wouldn't have to pay for child support.....Yep real stelar guys, telling you I know how to pick them :O)
Any way my advice would be to ask for a paternity test. I believe those are paid for if you guys request it through the court, then you guys can decide from there.
I would def. go the legal way with this one just becuase of mom's rep. it doesn't even get that spendi until you guys decide to go to court I believe.
Good luck
Sue

4

We dealt with this when I first met my husband, before we were married. She had found out that he had a new serious girlfriend and decided to tell him that she thought he was the father of her unborn baby, she hadn't even seen him in months and never told him she was even pregnant until she found out about us!

He was willing to be there if it was, and when paternity tests proved it wasn't, she started backing off. Some women are just no good, sorry you have to deal with one! Great he was honest with you about it. Good man! I told my husband that if it had been his baby that I would have been willing to fight with him for custody and adopt the child as my own, since his mother sounded a lot like the one you're dealing with.

That's personally what I would do, test for paternity, then either be a dad and there for him and deal with her forever, or give the child a better chance at having a loving family relationship..with you and your children. Let me know if you need to talk more!

5

hello - I, like the other two woman, will say that he needs to get a paternity test. Even if you go to court you WILL have to pay for the paternity test, although I don't think it really is that much, not half as much as the child support will be. If paternity is established than I would go to court or work with a mediator (there is another word for them, I just can't remember what it is) and determine a child support amount. Be aware that if he is the father he will probably owe back child support and depending on the child's age, it can be quite a bit. Financially this may be very difficult for your family.
Now, in regargds to the emotioinal part of it. THAT will probably be even harder. This child has surely heard a lot of different things from a lot of different people. Open up your hearts and your home to him. Let him know that he has a safe place to be. Set down the same rules you have for your three children and make sure that he follows them, with the same consequenses that your other children face.

Your job, I believe, in all of this is to support your husband (which, he very well could be lying to you and know darn good and well that he fathered this child, and is just ignoring him. Sorry, it happens all the time) and to be a loving step parent to the child. Do not get involved with the mother of the boy until all paternity has been established. You don't want to get into screaming matches with her.
He may not grow up mad at all, he may grow up with tons of love in two different families, and that's okay.
good luck Laura

And to the lady that I just saw that said something about two children with two different dad's........SO WHAT??? My babies are from two different dad's, not by choice, the first one left in the middle of the night when I was seven months pregnant, never to be seen again. My husband married me and my son, and two years later we had another boy. It is not always the mother's fault that the dead beat dad runs away, shame on you for passing judgement.

6

I tried to put myself in your shoes and am writing this as a wife and mother and as a lawyer.

If this happened to my husband, the first thing I would do would be to tell him that I would support him 100% in his decision. I would also tell him that, as a mother, my heart goes out to this little boy and I would be willing to do whatever was necessary to be the best stepmother.

The next thing I would do would be to make an appointment for him with a family law attorney (preferably through a law firm that has attorneys who are also licensed to practice law in California. If the child was conceived in Washington and the father had no idea she was pregnant, then Washington should have jurisdiction over the child - but I have not researched this issue and it's been many years since I took my civil procedure class so do NOT take my word for this. You desperately need to have an attorney to help you navigate this mess). I would be willing to go with my husband, but I'd want him to be free to speak freely with the lawyer - and I wouldn't want him to feel inhibited if I was there. Some attorneys have a free consultation - many of the good attorneys will charge a small fee (up to $150) for the consultation.

I would strongly advise you to speak to an attorney. Your post seems to indicate that you might be inclined to keep your head down in the hopes that this woman will go away. Don't count on this. If your husband doesn't respond and he really is the biological father, your husband is going to wind up in court sooner rather than later. I'd be willing to bet that she will hit him up for child support AND she'll almost definitely be arguing he shouldn't be granted any visitation rights because he ignored the boy and didn't express any interest in him.

My guess is that the attorney will want proof of paternity. If your husband really is the father, he needs to know.

If my husband found out that he had a child from a former relationship, I would definitely be worried about how that child would impact my family. I hope I would focus on that child though. I didn't marry a man who would willingly or knowingly abandon his child. If this happened to my husband, I'm pretty confident he would demand a paternity test and would then exercise his parental rights.

7

The first thing you need to do is order a paternity test. Once you get those results, you can try to reach an agreement regaurding visitation, child support, etc. Be sure to get it all in writing and keep records of all payments. This boy deserves for his dad to be in his life... especially if his mom is psyco. If it is true that he is the boy's father, he needs to accept responsibility. It sucks that you got dragged into it, but your husband will need your support and guidance.

8

A simple paternity test will show if he is the father. And once it's proven you can decide what to do from there. Child support,visitation rights,etc... Also if the woman is a little crazy your husband could get custody.

9

AP,

I agree with Holly. The first thing you both need to do is establish if this child really is your husband's son. If not then tell the woman to take a flying leap, and to leave you and your family alone.

If your hubby is the father, take the appropriate steps to ensure that this child grows up healthy and happy. If that's with you GREAT!, if it's just visitations, that's okay too.

Hope this helps,
Supportively,
Melissa

10

How about starting with a paternity test? They're cheap, for what they reveal in these situations, and I actually heard a radio advertisement the other day that they're being sold in stores now! I have a personal experience in my past involving one, and we at that point needed to go into a lab to have the test performed. It's just a cheek swab to gather saliva and cells and read DNA, and is very accurate. Seems that before anyone can go further with this very difficult and emotional process, the truth needs to be confirmed. Blessings to you and your family~

11

First of all, your husband has a legal issue to face. If he is the Father, there will be financial obligation. Especially if this woman is "a little crazy", make sure that your husband does not write anything down that could cause problems for him later in a court of law. He also should insist on a paternity test to make sure that this child has any biological tie to him BEFORE submitting your family to the complications of having a relationship with this boy and by association, his Mother who can cause you all LOTS of problems.

Helen

12

Before you lose too much sleep, make sure the child is actually his by demanding a paternity test. If the child is NOT his, you have no further obligation to the woman and can tell her to not contact you, again. If the child IS his, you need to know so that you can seek legal counsel and find out what to do next. If this woman is going to be giving you trouble about a child your husband never knew of, seeking child support, then it's my opinion that you should seek joint custody... Maybe even full custody if the mother is unstable. You should have the opportunity to get to know the child you're paying for, if it really is his.

13

If the test does come back positive, first and foremost, please try and put yourself in the little boy's shoes.
My father died when I was 3 years old; old enough to have been strongly influenced by him and have a huge attachment to him, but too young to know about grieving or missing someone conciously.
All my life, I have felt that there is part of me missing, that there is some part of me that I don't fully understand. I think that our parents reflect alot back to us that enables us to understand ourselves better, hence we feel more complete, balanced and fulfilled whatever our circumstances.

I was fortunate that my mom re-married and I have a wonderful stepdad who has been there for me since age 4. However I am certain that there is something within me that even this good person does not access cos we are not attune with each other the way father and child are.

My point is this. I grew up "missing" a dad no one could have given me back. This little boy has a dad and he is still alive (if he's your husband or not), and I think living without a dad you know is out there would be alot harder to take.

It does'nt sound like you have decided what you feel your husband should or shouldn't do. You are still reeling from the news and are primarily concerned for your family together. That's very understandable and any decent mother would have her kids' security and stability as a primary concern.

It sounds like his mother could be very challenging to work with, but you never know, maybe she has changed. Either way, I feel the boy has a right to know his dad.

It sounds like you have a really good open honest relationship with your husband. Still it must be scary and he is probably scared too - how will this unfold? If it is his child, this is a life long experience cos that's what having children is. But remember that this child's life will also be a life long experience, growing up, negotiating those teen years, coming into your own in your 20's, starting families in your 30's, (that's as far as I've got) and parents or their substitutes are very important role models.

Yes protect your family, look out for your husband, and keep your life sane, but think of the little boy who is the innocent pawn in this.

Your email laid alot of emphasis on her, who she is, how she has behaved, and what has happened. I do understand your stance, but that has to be "by the way"...

If you are able to help this little one grow up to feel loved, happy, content, secure, wanted, and a complete human being, then you will have overly exceeded your role as mother in this lifetime. It's easy to think we can do this for our own kids, but to do that for another? That is harder but exceptional work and it means truly making a difference to someone who clearly needs it (crazy mother, no dad at present.)

I would consult a lawyer as others suggested and your role may not mean he comes to live with you but visits, phone calls, letters, emails, trips that he is invited on, introducing him to the wider family (yes maybe embarassing at first but wow I would be so impressed if one of my family said - here's a son I didn't know I had, but I treat him no differently) That would do so much for his self esteem and so much more.

Patterns tend to repeat themselves. Might he be more likely to abandon his own kid if he felt abandoned? Can you help nip this in the bud? Politicians and organisations may claim to save the world, but I think helping each and every individual we can is what truly makes a difference.

I wish you guidance and trust that all will work out and a really good meal and some good hugs with your husband
Love HC

14

What a crazy place to be in! I can imagine the feelings of being torn both ways, you have so much to sort through.

Personally, the FIRST thing I would do before proceeding with either path (taking the child into your lives or not) is to get a paternity test done. Bottom line - the flat out truth needs to be on paper. If she's at all a good mom she'll find a way to not make this step a big deal (also depends on the age of the kiddo). She may get mad for asking for paternity, but hey, we live in a crazy world - you need to protect your family first.

Hang in there! Either way, you will all get through this!

15

Hello AP,
I agree that step one is paternity. There are alot of labs that allow you to do the test in separate states so your husband would not have to go to California if he did not need to. Make sure you get a test that you can legal use in court. if it comes back he is not the father or that he is,submit it to the division of child support here in Washington if that is where the baby was born and also in California since she now lives there. That way it will be on record that he is not the father if she tries to file for support or if he is he has already started taking responsibily that way when he does file for visitation they will see he is stepping up. I see where you are being told to protect your family, if this boy is your husbands he is your family. I am sure his mother is a drama queen but the boy will need you guys for stablity. I think you may have a hard road ahead of you but stay positive and continue to be open and supportive of your husband and him you and i am sure you will do well together. I will you the best.
Peace and Tranquility,
TF

16

I heard on the radio that either Bartells or Rite Aid is doing paternity tests now and you can buy them in their stores. It said they cost around $40 and then the lab fee is an additional $140. The way it works is your husband, the child and mother all submit a saliva sample and it does the dna. I think you guys should do this. Number one, it's inexpensive and you can do this prior to all the other lawyer 'expensive' stuff. And you might not have to go forward with anything else if he's really not the father. Good luck to you and your family.

So What happened with this...? I was just rereading through some things and ran across this again...Did your husband have the test done....?

17

I have a different take on this situation. If the mother is needing money from the state like food stamps or monthly allotments she has to name a father if one is known. Perhaps she's told them that she knows who the father is she has to give a name. And now she has to follow thru to get money from the state. If that's the case the state's office can't think of the name for it) will be contacting you and require a paternity test.

I find it strange that she hasn't told your husband about the baby until now, 4 years later.
Something is driving her to do this. Perhaps her son has begun asking questions and she thinks the easiest way to handle this is to involve your husband, perhaps because she knows how to reach him or knows that he's the most responsible of the men she knows.

My granddaughter's father lives in AZ and his family has kept contact. She talks with him on the phone once a month or so. She's almost 8. A couple of years ago she started asking questions about having a father. Just last week she asked me why her father didn't want her. She longs to have him around. My daughter and her father lived together for a year after she was born and still there is no good solution in the situation.

I could understand a woman who probably has emotional difficulties and/or perhaps feels guilty and doesn't know how to deal with her son, deciding to name someone as the father. That could explain the 4 yr delay. That doesn't mean that he is the father. Doesn't mean he isn't either.

So----I'd get a DNA (paternity) test done ASAP.
If she won't co-operate stand firm (ie. not accepting that he might be the father) Assume he isn't until the test proves it.

I think I know how emotional and difficult this is for you. Find ways to reassure yourself. Try not to focus on it to the extent that it disrupts your life. Life is tough at times. You've hit a particulary bad patch. Remember, "what does not kill us makes us stronger." I believe everything happens for a purpose and it helps me to think thru the issues to find what it is I'm to learn and then focus as much as possible on the lesson instead of the situation.

You've received advice to become involved with this boy if your husband is the father. I think that is a decision to be made much later after you know the situation. You're 2 states away. How is he to be involved when they don't know each other? Letters and phone conversations are too abstract for a 4 yo. A letter to say why he "doesn't want him" is rediculous and would be more harmful than good even if he said he didn't know about him until he was 4.

Entering his life now for brief visits also could be quite harmful. Kids need stability. If your husband is the father you need to know about his life with his mother. If she is unstable to the point that she's unable to care for him, then you might try for custody. However, getting custody would most likely be a long and expensive process and you have a great chance of losing in court. If the mother is able to provide minimal basic care the judge will most likely award custody to her especially in light of your not knowing him.

You should also consider the effect having him in your lives will affect your children. They also need a stable home life. At 4, if he's been neglected or abused, he already has more problems than you can deal with in your home. I'd add the suggestion that you get a psychiatric evaluation to help determine what is best for the boy and your family.

What I'm saying is that there is no easy answer to this dilemna if he is the father. And you needn't assume that he's the father until you get the results of the paternity test. If he is, there are even more difficult decisions to be made and you need an attorney for that. So, don't even try to figure it out until after the paternity test.

I'm also saying that even if your husband is the father, maintaining the status quo for the son, may be the best decision.

18

A.P.
I definitely would request a paternity test...then if your husband and you would like to establish a relationship with this child you will know for sure that it is his child.
You may want to call in an attorney to draw up papers if you need to...she sounds alittle unstable and may just be trying to get your husband to take responsibility thinking that he will not request a paternity test.
I saw that there is one just like a prgnancy test only it is for paternity out on the market now just for a situation as this.
I would definitely get the test and go and perform it yourself on the child and your husband to make sure. Do not take any responsibility for this child until you have proven that it is your husband's.
As far as for it being his...things do happen and everyone has a previous life before they meet the one that they are to be with. Sometimes things happen like this and you can look at it from the child's view. If it is your husband's that does not mean that anything is differentbetween the two of you. If you open your heart to this child that could be half your husband...you will gain more in return from letting him know that he has a father and a second family that is interested in his well being. as for him beingangry...how could he when he finds out no one knew about him.
First off it really seems weird to me that she would do this in an email instead of through the courts or contacting him in person or by phone.
Sit back and take a deep breath...your life is the same. You and your husband have built a very nice family together...you love one another very much and have two lovely children together. Take this just one step at a time...first prove patrnity and then ask to spend some time with the child. If he pays child support you could have visitation with him. You sound like a very loving, caring woman with a lot to give. This child may need what you and your husband have to offer him. Anytime you give love to a child you get it back ten times over. If this is your husband's child he would want to know about him and make sure that he is well taken are of. I cannot remember if you said how old he is...HE may be the one looking for his father.1st the paternity test...how far away does she live from you? If not too far I would show up with paternity test in hand...if the mother does not agree ask the court to order one...you can do that through child enforcement.
But now with this new paternity test that you can get in the drugstore it should be very easy to prove if he is your husband's or not.......Please keep me updated asIam very anxious to help you to weather this...You will do great..go to sleep and rest...this could workout very well and you will open your heart to a child trying to belong somewhere.
It sounds as if to me your husband made a very good choice in waiting for you.....one thing if he did not agree with her lifestyle then and walked out he may want to prove this is his son and be there to take care of him...he may be in a bad situation and looking for dad.
Hang in thereandrelax...go buy a paternity test tomorrow....if you can get with him...or go get a court ordered one...that is the 1st step....
I think that the burden of proving he is your husband's lies with her...make her get a court order for paternity.
There is one thing that bothers me...if she was after him and stalking him telling him that he was going to realize she was the one....why did she not use the child at that time to trap him into being with her. Seems like if she had pregnancy on her side and was obsessed with being with him that little boy would have been the first thing she would have told him about, Do you know what Imean?
There is also that you coulddeal with her instead of him...you could call her up and tell her that you are willing tohelp raise a child of his but there has to be a paternity test just for proof before you get attached to this child and then she tells you he is not your husband's.
I think you are handling this great....keep your family in prospective to this new situation.. Ask for the paternity test...if she balks that would definitely make me suspicious, There is no way if she was sure that she would not have contacted him earlier....she is not sure...she is guessing that he is your husband's. Call her bluff then deal with the results. Lenda

19

Hi A.P., I'm not sure that I can give you a good advice but I can share my story and point of view. We are in a similar situation. Last summer I had a call from a woman, who happen to be the wife of my husband's son. His first wife got pregnant from my husband but she sad that is not his son and even send back then legal papers for my husband to sign that is not his son. Well, we end up gaining a son and a grand son. Welcome to the club! My husband met the boy and so far he just wanted to meet his father. We decided to have a paternity test before we establish any relation with this people and yes, J. happens to be his son. We have a son too, who is only 4 years old. My first thoughts were that there were a boy who grow up without a father. The ex told him that his father is one of her boy-friends, who left him when he was 6 months old. Now there is a little boy who doesn't know what is to have a grand-pa. Is that make me a grand-ma? At the moment we are taking a little steps towards this family. I decided that is best to give then a chance to know each other before we brake the news to any of the little guys. Well, you have a boy who wants to know who is his father. All the boys need that, they need a relations with theirs father or at least some explanations. May be you should meet the mother and see what she is after. Of course, make sure that your husband is the father of her son. There are paternity test in the pharmacy and they are about 120 $. They can't be used for legal actions but they will give you the information you need to know. Just make sure that you don't brake the news to any of the kids in this situation before any of you know what to do. Act as adults and try not to brake any of the kid's hearts. In my situation I went to our Parent Educator and she gave me few good advices how to bring the news when I need to. So, my advice is to start sleeping and eating and not worry too much as you are not even sure yet that your husband is that boy father. And yes, if you feel like talking more about it, you can always e-mail me.

20

AP, wow- what a wake up call! Well, it is very obvious that you and your hubby are upstanding people and want the right thing not only for your little family but for this other little boy. I guess we all make mistakes and I would say that the next thing isn't to decide what to do with the little boy or how to deal with his mom, but to persue a DNA test. This could do 2 things- 1) eliminate the problem or:2) define what obligations are there. If your husband is the father, then he should take responsibility. But if he is not, then this woman should have her answer where to go for financial help. I will be praying for your family. Keep your head up.