Yelling - and Enjoying My Children More

Maybe, look into "Nonviolent Communication." They have a whole series of materials. I think Montessori educators use it.

I just read love and logic for early childhood. I can't wait to get going on it. I just want my husband to read it too so we can be on the same page. I don't want to be a yeller either and I don't like feeling like I am out of control, it can't be good for the kids either. We are supposed to be their rocks. Good luck!! (we all need it. :)

My husband is a yeller and I am not. So one thing I have to remind myself of is that though I view the yelling as negative to him it is just "loud talking". : ) Anyway, my thoughts on why I am not a loud talker:

I tend to nip behaviors in the bud. Call it a zero tolerance policy if you want. If I ask the boys to do something and the response is not quick or if the response is whiny, I very caringly escort them into their room. No loud debate about why they are getting a time out. They already know why and so my loud talking would just get me riled up.

My husband's prime loud talking time is in the morning when we're trying to get out the door. Best way to avoid it is to have a routine and stick to it like crazy. Hubbie doesn't do this...He gets up late, etc. and then expects the kids to just go with the flow. So I make sure the backpacks are ready the night before. That shoes got put away. That hats/mittens are in the basket. Whatever I can to make the morning go smoothly.

And then our weakness (and it is a prime instigator of loud talking)...The evil TV. If that thing is on there is no way the kids are gonna listen. When there are chores to be done, when we are trying to get out the door, during homework...That TV thing absolutely has to be OFF.

Two big things that have changed our life for the positive...my first is now in kindergarten, meaning, first off, he has something fun, positive, and interesting to do all day. He comes home tired and is much nicer to his "baby" brother (who's 2). Finding something for him to do--even his school readiness class through ECFE last year--has done wonders at his ability to get along w/ his brother, and my ability to yell less.

And second, I remember screaming at my 5 year old, "I YELL BECAUSE THAT"S THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL LISTEN!!" and thinking, well, then, mommy, something is WRONG with what you're doing! And I vowed to myself to say it ONCE. And if he doesn't listen, there are consequences. There are times when I think he is so involved he truly doesn't hear me, but for the most part, I think he has selective hearing, and that can only be remedied by EXPECTING him to hear me the first time. I and only I have taught him that it's ok to wait to act until I yell--before that is just practice. You probably know what it takes to get your kids to listen the first time--how to really get their attention. It probably takes more effort than you want to give, which I totally understand. But when I tell myself that lazy parenting is NOT what I want for my kids, and that parenting takes energy (and maybe I'll burn some calories, getting off the chair and approaching my child, rather than yelling across the room), I find I can, more often, at least, not always, talk to him without yelling.

First I'd like to say I can relate to your situation as I am sure many mother's on this site can. I also am very happy that you recognize that you are in need of help/advice - many mother's don't see that. Change is hard for everyone and even when you think you are ready for it or know it is for the best can be stressful. And as you have already realized you need to get control of yourself in order to enjoy being a Mom. I say control of yourself because that may be exactly why your children are not listening and it will only get worse as they get older if you don't get a handle on it now. If you ever watch any of the shows like nanny 911 the nanny doesn't have trouble getting the children to change their behavior because she isn't taking it personally and is staying calm and in control. Its the same consept with many grandparents they are patient because they know it doesn't pay to get worked up. It sounds funny but I think what helped me the most was the tips on the dog whisperer. You need to be calm and assertive and know you are the pack leader. You model the behavior you want and simply redirect when they get out of line. In stores I see parents yelling all the time but I don't - I simply snap my fingers and my kids know what that means and they stop and follow me. Teachers use the same sorts of cues - I remember the lights being turned off to quiet the classroom. Try using visual or special audio cues for different things like a bell for getting shoes on and give rewards to them when they follow them within a certain amount of time like stickers for under a few minutes. Also try getting yourself a cup of coffee or tea and quietly sit and watch them play or color and watch their faces as they do it. Don't say anything or do anything just watch them and enjoy. I call it a mom coffee break that if done right makes stress melt away. Good Luck!

You sound overwhelmed. Speeding up to get more done faster won't get you anywhere. You will feel frantic. Your children will panic and not be able to function, and you won't be able to help yourself. You'll yell even though you've promised yourself you wouldn't yell anymore.

You need to slow down and take care of yourself. I recommend meditation. When I start feeling internal frenzy, I try to literally slow down my movements, speak slowly and take my time. I try to head off the frenzied feeling by allowing plenty of time to get things accomplished. When I have five children to get dressed and out the door, I don't underestimate the time it will take and then panic because we are late. I plan enough time so we will be early, and then when I have to change a diaper unexpectedly or something else pops up we will still be on time.
As far as projects go, it is hard to find the time, so I don't make an endless list of to do's. Every day I have one thing I plan to accomplish in addition to my everyday chores. Usually I try to keep it to 15 minutes, because I know I can invest that much time without procrastinating. I try to get it done in the morning, then I really feel accomplished! It's the whole eating an elephant thing one bite at a time. You might want to commit to unpacking one box per day.

There are plenty of books at the library with activities for toddlers and preschoolers. Don't feel like you need to be your kids' cruise director though. Leave them time to play on their own. I loved the idea of drinking a cup of tea and watching the children play. If you can do this without them trying to involve you, it would give you a time to step back and appreciate them! The best thing about our memories is that we forget the bad stuff. You will remember these years fondly when they are older. My mom swears that the best time of her life was when she was raising her family. She had seven children. Tell me she isn't looking through rose colored glasses.

Others have recommended Love and Logic. It really is fantastic. I had a moment with my 5 year old this morning that could have spun totally out of control. I just said, "Bummer!" and walked away, and it was over. She stopped whining, and I wasn't even tempted to yell.

Routines and rituals are really fundamental with children. You may want to start planning family time and creating traditions and rituals that will add to your enjoyment of your family. Pick up a book by Bill Doherty for suggestions. Good luck.

J. (((((HUGS)))))) to you. Your post just spelled out my life. That's why I love this site. I don't feel so alone. You are not a bad mother. You are an awesome mom and don't ever think differently. We all love our kids dearly, but God help up when they act up. My oldest never listens. The times I dread are: Getting ready for bed and leaving the house. It is such a task to get my 4 year old to do anything. My little one is only 10 months old so I'm hoping to get her before it's too late. But they are already fighting which was cute at first, but now it's exhausting trying to break it up. I hoping that won't escalate, but something tells me differently.

I don't really have any advice cause I'm clueless. I'm about to go read the other posts.

Hugs again to you!

Marie,

Hey J.-
Thanks for writing. If you speak like you write, you are probably pretty articulate, so I'm sure you know how to communicate without yelling already! I'll second the suggestion for the 1-2-3 Magic book.

You're outnumbered by kids, so the strategies in the book should really come in handy.

You have a lot of good advice here. I hope you are able to implement the things that will help you. I just wanted to remind you that life is a series of constantly changing seasons. The one you are in right now is a very difficult season, the difficulties of which you may not need pointed out, but just in case it helps to see: You have a baby, you have just added your third child (in my opinion, it's the hardest addition), you are sleep-deprived, you have all of the extra work of the move, you have the emotional difficulties of a new community...and this is just the obvious stuff. What I am saying is that it will not always be this way. So reach out for all of the help you can and give yourself some grace, because this is temporary and you will soon come out on the other side to a place where life is easier and you can help out someone else who is in a tough season.`

I would suggest Love and Logic, but also "How to behave so your children will, too!" by Sal Severe. It is very similar to Love and Logic, but I found it to be a much easier read.

One book you should check out is "How to have a new child by Friday" It's a 5 day program, and I have a friend who used it on her son (bad words) and by day 3, he really was a new child! I know it can be found at Northwestern Book. I don't want to offend, I only have 2 - you have 3, but I find that when my oldest seems out of control and I'm ready to throw a tantrum, it's because I'm being a lazy mom. And I am the one who needs to step up and be more active in immediately changing their behavior, and depending on how long I let them slip will determine how long it will take to see results.

Check out meetup.com, there is a St Paul areas mom group, and there are multiple activities on a weekly basis. Also check out MOPS, or non MOPS churches may have moms groups. Many times they are during the day and have childcare available.

Now on to you - you need to get out by yourself and/ or with your spouse more! I know it's tough, but it will so help you be a better parent. Good luck!

What area are you in? We are in central MN, and I joined MOPS. What a blessing! I know there are more MOPS groups in MN, it stands for Mothers of Pre Schoolers. It is a wonderful support group for moms, and some have child care available while they meet, some meet days, others evenings. If you are interested, I would be willing to help you find more info. Also, I try to sing instead of yelling. They sometimes listen better if I am singing a silly song rather than screaming at them. We have seven, by the way. I can totally relate! Best wishes.

Have you tried the love and logic books? It takes a bit after implementing the suggestions in the books to get a response from the kids but if you can keep your cool and continue to enforce the rules in the manner in which the books suggest then things can turn around slowly.

I am paraphrasing here, but I remember one suggestion that worked well for me: tell your child she is taking all your energy and she needs to but it back or you will not be able to do (something fun - even if it is "I won't be able to make dessert) until she has put your energy back by (insert chore). At first my daughter didn't bite, but then realized she would not see the inside of a McDonalds until the chore was done. Of course she is not perfect, but she knows what I mean when I say "I am feeling an energy drain".

Hope that helps,
S.

You've gotten a lot of good ideas here. I think you need to include your husband in this, so he knows how you are feeling and can support you.

If it's financially feasible, I think you should start by paying for some help. Get a babysitter in twice a week -- once so you can get things done, and once so you can do something just for yourself, something relaxing. Hire some organizing help to get your boxes unpacked and your home organized. I highly recommend Nook and Cranny (www.nookcranny.com) -- they are a concierge service and do everything (housecleaning, organizing, packing, moving, car detailing, errands, you name it). Hire them to help get the house in shape and a big weight will be off your shoulders.

Anything you do to lessen your stress will make you happier, and will help you yell less often.

Good luck, and hang in there.

I'm sorry I have no advice for you on either thing, both are similar to my current issues too except that I have no interest in playing with my kids and that makes me feel like a crappy mom. I've NEVER liked playing with kids, even when I was one. As a kid all I did was read and play barbies by myself...

I have the same thing with yelling except at my house it's everyone I yell at. Unfortunately for me, the yelling is a last resort. I can ask or whisper or tell either my son, daughter or husband to do anything and it's like I never even spoke. I get so tired of speaking and having nobody hear me that I finally just give up and yell at everyone. If we had a jar where every time yelled I had to put money in it we could buy a new car with it. That is pointless if you have children and a husband without ears. I mean it actually feels like as soon as my mouth opens, their ears shut.

I will be following your post and hope someone has some suggestions that would work for me as well... Good Luck!

Hi J.-

I have a 3 1/2 yr old and 16 mo old- and I am home with them part time- so I hear your frustration. I find that sleep is a key issue for me. On the days that I am tired, my patience is in shorter supply, and I react more to their behavior which always escalates things. I also am a big fan of Love and Logic books, and one of the KEY points that I think is so important (for ALL ages) is that when we are yelled at, we go into defense mode and our ears do close. We are not able to LEARN- we shut down. So, all of those teaching moments are lost. When we are spoken to or forced to think about the situation in a calm way, that is when we are open to learning and changing our behavior. I know this is true- neither my husband or I are yellers by nature, but we all have our moments. And when he is in a bad mood and I can hear him slamming cabinet doors or mumbling under his breath, it makes me feel his tension and I don't like it. So, I have become more aware of how much my behavior affects everyone else in the house- especially the kids. When I am frustrated, or speak sharply and without patience, it always makes my daughter's behavior worse. But the moments that I am calm and have patience, I can defuse the situation with humor and instantly change the direction of things. It isn't always easy- I know that! Good luck, and try and find a way to get your rest- we have to take care of ourselves, too.

Wow....Is this in the air or what? I have talked to other moms too and are expressing the same with winter coming and really dreading it. I have 2 boys almost 4 and 18 months. I feel like I'm constantly yelling and saying NO. I so much enjoy the times when they are sweet too.

My boys are spitters. Any spitters out there? Worse yet, my 4 yr old encourages my 18 month old and laughs. I have resorted to timeouts (do not work) and I tried soap which I said I would never do. It gets the attention of the 4 yr old to cool his jets.

Any suggestions?

J. - get out a calendar and write down a task that you want to accomplish each day - that way you won't feel overwhelmed with the feeling that you are getting nowhere. You can check things off each day and see progress. Leave plenty of room for other things that come up and everyday chores. Try to get your kids involved with some things they can help with - load or unload dishes, help with the little ones, dusting, vaccuming, sorting laundry, etc.
Try 1-2-3 Magic (find video at library?) for getting them to do things. Think about how you'd feel if you were in the middle of an email or dinner prep and they came and asked you to do something RIGHT NOW. Moms can multi-task better than kids, but even for us it's not easy to drop what we are doing immediately, so keep in mind they might need some time to finish up and change gears. Get out a timer and set it for five minutes - tell them when the timer goes off, they need to do xxxx. Or have a set time each day for them to do their chores. Put it on a big calendar so they can learn to start managing their time too.

I haven't read it, but I have heard about a book called 1-2-3 Magic that would be worth checking out.

Best wishes!

K.
http://K..myshaklee.com

Wow... your life sounds very similar to mine. The only thing that I found really worked for me was/is anti-depressants. I never considered myself depressed because I didn't have the "typical" symptoms of depression... crying all the time, not wanting to get out of bed, suicidal thoughts, etc. However, I had little to no patience, wasn't sleeping well at night, and was not enjoying time with my kids or even my husband. I just wanted to escape!! My OB said those feelings are extremely typical, however, no one wants to talk about it. So, first off, kudos to you for asking for help/suggestions. I started meds 2 1/2 years ago and have had to have them upped twice, mainly due to the birth of my third child and my husband traveling more. Anyway, I can now honestly say that I love spending time with my kids and husband, I almost never yell, and have more patience than I ever did. I'm also sleeping great at night so feel much more rested. It might want to be something you consider. As my OB said... try it and if it doesn't work then it's not depression. What have ya got to lose? Good luck.

I haven't read the other replies, but I was told by my counselor to check out the video 1-2-3 Magic from the library(I'm having the same issues you are and I'm tired of repeating myself to the kiddos). She said it's about 2hrs to watch, but worth it. I already do the counting, but she said it's good to watch it anyway. She also said that I will find it funny b/c I will laugh and say to myself - hey, I do that! :D

Just a thought. Good luck. You're not alone.

Jessica, you are not the only who feels this way, and I really appreciate you having the courage to get it out there. I was really moved by the other post too.

When my son was about 12 months, I realized I was starting the sound the way I remember my mom sounding all the time- yelling. I have seen a counselor who is specially trained in play therapy. And while we are not doing that with me :), she has a good handle on what developmental stages my son is going through and how that relates to my emotional issues. It has been really helpful.

She recommends (as do many mamas here) 1,2,3, Majic or Love and Logic as good programs to focus on obedience rather than picking up the mess after the event.

Be patient with yourself. You have just made a huge move and change in your life. I am sure that your children are going through the same thing. I know the "thing" now is not to yell at your children but sometimes it does happen and it isn't going to cause any harm at your child to yell to get their attention, so long as your aren't doing it 24/7. It does sound like you are definately having the blues from moving and your whole world is turned upside down. When possible I would take at least one 1/2 day off for myself. Go to the Library, window shop or treat yourself to a pedicure or whatever you find interesting. Start looking at clubs to join in your area. Hang in there you'll be just fine.

We use Love & Logic ideas. You can google it and learn more and buy their books or cds or dvds.