X Husband/Father

You have every right to be angry about this situation. That being said, he owes you conversation about this. Tell him you are angry and having a hard time with what's been going on and need to talk to him. See what you can work out.

Good luck!

My x use to take mine and off he's go, leaving me to find them and get them back....I never said bad things about him because it is part of their foundation, defining who they are.
One of the hardest parts was that he conned them all kinds of ways and it took time for them to see it. I've always thought I hope they don't understand what I've gone through, because that might mean they were going through it, too. You really can't fool kids, sit back, be patient (believe me) give him time, they'll see him for what he is. He's since passed away and one day when I talked to my son in Iraq (he's home now) he said I can see that Dad and his actions were not based in reality and you were always there and sane.

Everything that you feel is totally normal. Because he's been out of your life for so long, with no contact, you've never had to deal with your emotions regarding him before. Now he's back, and you have no choice but to deal with it. And it will take time. My ex has been calling my daughter off and on from another state lately. I know I would feel the same way if he were to show up (24 years later in my case),and want her to call him dad and her daughters to call him grandpa. He never helped support her, he was never there for more than one or two holidays/birthdays. Usually there was no contact at all. So if he were to waltz back into this area right now, I KNOW I would feel the same way. I'd feel like, "what right do you have, claiming to be Dad, I was the one that did all the hard work while she was growing up, and now YOU want to have the friendship part". But at this point, my daughter is 25 years old, she is an adult. He's made no effort (yet) to be a permanent part of her life, or her daughters' lives, and she has been very careful about their conversations. It's her decision at this point, and all I can do is pray that she's wise about how far she wants to take the relationship. And pray that God helps me to accept her decision, and keep my mouth shut (I'm really bad about making hurtful stinging remarks).

As for your feelings, all I can say is to pray that God helps you to deal with them in the best way possible. My prayers are with you, I know this is a tough thing to go thru.

It sounds like your life has been blessed the past 30 years. So why let that be overshadowed by things that happened before then? Perhaps your X realizes his mistake and is trying in his way to make ammends. Forgive him and move on ~ even if his motives appear self serving. You cannot control him ~ nor your children. The choice is yours: Live a life of resentment and hurt or forgive, let go and move on. Your children and grandchildren deserve the best you have to offer them vs negative feelings/attitudes. Your children are grown adults, so let them handle the things that pertain to them and their own children. It will be freeing for you to just let it all go ~ banished from your mind and emotions forever.

Oh this just burns my britches! I'm not totally there yet as my son is only 1 but his bio dad left when I was 4 month pregnant and hasn't been back. My son and I have been very blessed to meet a man whom I've married and has become my son's true daddy. Your recently passed husband sounds to be the same kind of wonderful man that my husband is. My husband and I will tell my son when he's older about what's happened but that's not for a long time. I can tell you with certainty though that I will do everything in my power to keep the bio dad away from my son. That dirt bag doesn't deserve to know the child that my husband and I have raised and I don't want him to. Not unless my son seeks him out when he's much older, that I can understand. I don't care if he's suddenly found himself, that he's "changed," that he's sorry. What he's done is inexcusible in my opinion and it would be over my dead body that he would just come waltzing back in and act like "daddy's here!" No, he has a daddy and it wouldn't be that man. I probably sound angry because I am. Men who do this are pathedic and I'm happy to tell him that if I ever see him again. I know some people say you have to forgive and move on and he does after all have a right to see them, he is their father, blah blah blah. Not after that kind of length of time. He needs to go to court and have his rights reinstated if he's serious about seeing his kids. It's manipulative and very confusing for children to go through this and for someone to think that "ok, now I'm in a better place so I can now deal with my past" is a JOKE. And to ask them to call him daddy? That's just sick. Their real father just passed away! I think you need to take control and regulate what he's doing, when he's doing it, how often and what's going on during these times. You need to be in control, NOT HIM. Stand up for yourself and tell him how you really feel. If I were you, I would give him a piece of my mind that he'd never forget and make sure he knew where his place is. He may be a donor of DNA but he's no father and not until he's earned that right with your children and it's their decision to address him how they choose should he feel so entitled.

Hi S.,
Your feelings are normal & I would feel exactly the same way if I were in your shoes. But you really need to tell your children how you feel. You need to be completely honest with them. They are adults with children of their own so I know they will understand. You shouldn't feel jealous of him. I think your kids are interested in getting to know him since he is their biological father. It's more out of curiosity than anything else. They would never allow him to replace you or the man who raised them. I think you will feel so much better after you explain your emotions to them & it will allow you to move on. I don't expect you to forgive your X, but I think you need to move beyond it. Don't let him screw up your life again, write him off like he did to you 32 years ago.

You didn't say how your children felt about this. I come from divorced parents. My mom always kept her mouth shut about her feelings on my father, she figured I would figure everything out on my own one day, and i did! I still have a lot of frustration with my father, but we have a civil and very surface relationship. Your kids know that he disappeared for so many years, they'll have to make the decision on their own as to what to do with him! As for you, it stinks, you should be angry, but don't try to sway the kids into feeling what you want them to feel. I think it's pretty ridiculous he wants to be called dad/grandpa! But I've heard that one before with my own dad!

S., I went through the same thing but i was married to another man. My two older girls fater had left and didn't support them or have anything to do with them. I was glad having him out of their lives as he wasn't doing anything to keep his place as their father. He came back after they were grown and had children. He entered their life just as if he had never left them. I was upset as well as my husband. My husband always advised them to keep an open mind regarding their father but deep down in his heart he really didn't feel that way. My new husband of 23 yrs then divorced me as i was diagnosed with ms and fibromyliga. He turned my own kids against me including the one we had together. Its hurt full. He is a friend of my first husband now so he can keep the girls in his life and away from me. I under went breast cancer surgery last year in may without my children at my bedside. My mother was their but that was all. No matter what i did for my children i just couldn't live up to what their father and stepfather could give them. I know you hurt as i did but atleast you still have your children in your life. deb

Even having never gone thru anything like this I can TOTALLY see why you are upset!! My Lord S. you raised these kids for 30+ yrs, you put in your time, sweat, lost sleep, juggled bills, helped w/ the homework, made the suppers, packed the lunches, went to the school programs and the conferences, wiped the snotting noses, cleaned up the puke, dealt w/ the hormones and attitude of the teen yrs, Lord must I go on.....
Now this man that essential got up and simply walked away is coming back in and acting like he is earned his place in your family. I am one that TOTALLY agrees "any man can make a child but it takes a real man to be a FATHER". I just don't think your ex has that privledge.
At the same point you can't really tell your kids how to feel even though it drives you Nuts to see him in their lives. Try not to let your feelings for your ex show thru when w/ your kids, then you only put them in the middle. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!

Hi S.

Lets blame it on being cat people and doing accounting!

My first ex did stick arround. My adult son is living with him. I resent it because my son is forced to pay rent and clean. My son has college and other things to pay off. He also pays for his own food. He has to shop daily so his food will not be eaten. My ex thinks he is five. I know my son is 25 and an adult with his own mind. I resent my ex trying to control my son's life like he did mine.

Ex number 2 tried to enter my home last while we were celebrating father's day with my brother. He does not realize that I changed the locks. Since they look the same he uses his keys "that he returned" to try and enter the house. He most have told his wife he was spending time with us. We have not seen him since August 5, 2007. I am sure he will try to ruin my son's birthday again this year. I am considering being far away from home that Sunday. He does not care about his child. He will only come to brag about his life. He was dumb enough to be quoted in the paper. He was using his tax incentive to go to California because he has never been their. I am using mine to pay taxes on the house.

I think you have a right to be upset and angry. You love your children and grandchildren. You love and miss your second husband. Your children were abandoned by your first husband. Do not sit in silence and fester. I would really talk to your family about how you feel. Do be winey or self piting. Be straight forward about how you feel. Listen to how they feel. Talking about it all will lift your burden. I know you cannot work out anything with your ex but you can with your children, their wives and your grandchildren. I know part of it is that you have always been there and he steps back in and acts like nothing is wrong. I resent it when ex2 does it. I so wonderful. See me see me. My son trys to get his attention and he will not even play with him. I work six days a week so Sunday is cleaning day. I never get to play with him because I have to clean. I do not hate my exs because that only hurts me. I sure have no use for the second one. They first one and I had a child who had emergency surgery last fall so we had time to talk.

I think you have every right to feel the way you do. Do not let him ruin the relationship you have with your family. Help them work out their abandonment issues. Love yourself because you are a great mom and grandmother..

Your children, although they are making peace with their biological father at this time, will NEVER forget that their father was not there at the most crucial times in their lives. Every child, despite the parent's absence, wants some connection with their bio parents and you can't blame them for that. They will know and always remember in their hearts and minds who was there and who wasn't. Believe me, their relationship with him will never be as deep, and carry a superficial tone indefinitely. It is nothing compared to your relationship w/ your children.

wow im in a similar situation but my husband who has raised my kids is alive but my kids now have babies and the dad came back into the picture NOW that they were born , he wasnt around while they grew up. but now the babies are here the dad comes around it sucks my husband has done everything for my kids and grandkids

I have been down a similiar path with my x and my children. But first let me say, I never spoke negatively about him to my sons even while feeling that way about him and you need not either. Your children are grown and know who was in their lives when it really counted and you should feel confident and self-assured of the wonderful job you and your husband did with your children. Let your children decide whether they want to be a part of his life....I'm sure there's a lot of emotions and questions they're been experiencing that need to be expressed. Whatever it is he wants them to call him will never take away the fact that he was not there and whether he knows it or not, your children know and will act accordingly. Wish you well and hold your head up high and give yourself two pats on the heart for yourself and your deceased husband for a job well done. Let go of the negative feelings because they're only hurting you.

S.,

I think it is ok and healthy to be upset. He hurt you deeply and is trying to do it again. But do not let him do this to you. If your children and willing to forgive him you have to let them do it. I think it would be good to sit down with your children and tell them how you are feeling and get some feedback from them how they are able to forgive him after his long absence. Make sure to explain how deeply he hurt you and why you are upset.

Please go see a counselor or your pastor about this. They may be able to help clarify things a little better. May the Lord be with you during these trying times.

S.

Here's an abandoned chid's view:I've been estranged from my father for 14 years. My parents divorced when I was 5 and we saw my father a few times a year. I asked him why we didn't see him more and he said he lived too far away..(it as 20 minutes by car). When I was 16 I made a sarcastic comment when having a rare phone coversation that it had been a while and he told me "the line goes both ways." My mother didn't help-she bad mouthed him and made us feel guilty if we enjoyed seeing him. He had hurt her and it hurt more to see him hurt us again and again yet we still wanted to see him. My father cut off all ties to his 3 kids when my adult brother said he wouldn't be able to go to his house for the traditional Christmas dinner with dad, couldn't we do it the day after Xmas?

Having never formed a strong bond with my dad, I didn't think it was big deal to not see him again, what a hassle...Since having kids though and experiencing that amazing bond a parent has with a child, I've been very sad about the situation. What was wrong with us that my father could have cared so little? How is it possible to feel like an abandoned child at 38? How could he have not known that the damn lines don't go both ways when you're 16! Is my father going to die without ever meeting his grandchildren, without me having a chance to forgive him? Could I?

I am very sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you are going through. Your children loved their step-father and always will. I love my step-dad, he has always been there for me. Yet I still yearn for my own father's love-whether he deserves it or not.

As hard as it is,you must allow your children and grandchildren this reunion. It will give them closure on the father they never knew. They know who really was dad and M. to them because when they needed someone you and/or your husband were there. If you fight it, they may change their view of you and side with their bio dad. It's okay to tell them your feelings and that is hard to accept but let them know you have their blessing and they will always be there for you. If you have had a solid relationship with kids and grandkids, dad coming back into picture is not a threat. Also, just because he is coming back into their lives does not mean they will accept him. I take a bet that he w/show his true colors again...they don't change that much. I know it w/be hard for me if gs had reunion with biodad, but I know it's because he wants closure, not because he doesn't love me anymore. I know it hurts, but be strong.

Sheila, your message tugged at my heart so I would like to suggest you get the book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford. It will help you tremendously. There is a simple 3 step exercise in the book that will help you to change what you are feeling. It has made a real difference in my life.

Let me just say, there is nothing wrong with you. These are your feelings. The question is how do you adapt those feelings to serve you and your family.

Also, look at your former husband's return as a good thing for your kids. It will help them to resolve whatever issues that they are harboring deep inside themselves. Trust them that they have all the good stuff inside of them to make wise decisions. Tell them you are here to support them in whatever decisions they make.

My ebook, Writing Your Ethical Will, (which has nothing to do with dying) will also be very helpful to you. www.spiritual-ethical-will.com

Also, I don't know if you are able or not, or can communte to the area of Clark and Addison in Chicago, but there is a wonderful mediation center on a very high 2nd floor on Clark street called Invision. You can get all the information at www.invisionspirit.com

For me, Invision has helped me to resolve thoughts and feelings I had about my former husband plus other stuff. I have gone to many intense and advanced meditation programs in the U.S. and this is the easiest and the best.

Good luck to you. Remember, whatever is "eating you" is eating at your body.

The best to you,
M.
Former Professional Therapist

You're right, you have to forgive him regardless of what he has done and hasn't done. Forgiveness is not for him but for you. He is finally trying to get things back right, and there is nothing he can do to take away what he has done, but if you don't forgive him it will eat you up. He's not thinking about you, but you are indeed focusing in on him and he probably doesn't even know it. Pray and ask God to help you deal with this. If you don't forgive you can never move on.

S.,
What you are feeling is normal, but you need to move beyond the feelings. You need to forgive your X and put all that in the past. Try to find a good counselor to talk to about this. If he really wants to be involved in the kids and grandkids lives it will be good for them. I'm sure your kids lives will be enriched by having a relationship with their father and it will give them the chance to ask the questions they have always had. Pray to God for strength to forgive your X husband. Sounds like you are a wonderful mom, don't worry your kids aren't going to forget who raised them and was there for everything they needed while growing up.
They love you!!!!

S.,
Pray that God helps you to first forgive yourself...that is a process. Specifically pray that God will help you deal with this "new relationship". Unfortunately, many people do not know how to say "I'm sorry" for what happened. Just pray because prayer does change things.

Blessings,
D.

Hi Sheila,

I can understand how you would have a hard time with this. I would like to share my dad's experience, so you can look at it through the eyes of your children. My dad's mother basically "abandoned" her 2 children when they were 2 and 3. It was during the depression, and they were put in an orphange until they were teens. At that point in time, he lived with his dad and occasionally was in his mom's life. Both of his parents had a series of spouses until they finally found the ones they stayed with. Anyway, my dad's mother wasn't involved much in his life at all. When my brother and I were born, my grandmother wanted to come back into my dad's life. It was very difficult for my dad to come to terms with that. He wanted to leave her out of his life forever. My mother, I believe, helped him come to terms with it and we as a family started seeing her every few months. I think it was healing for my dad to see her with us. She showered us with toys and clothes. I think she was a woman born at the wrong time. When we came into her life she owned a grocery store and a secondhand store. She died suddenly in her early 60's of a heart attack. We didn't hear about most of what had gone on until after she died. My parents never let us see that anything was abnormal. My dad did have a good relationship with his dad and stepmother prior to having his mother come back in his life. Although his dad might have felt something like you were feeling, we never picked up on it. We as the grandchildren always felt we were extra lucky to have 3 grandmothers, and I have fond memories of her. Had she not been in my life, I would never have grown up thinking a woman could own a business. I always felt that it was normal. My advice would be to try very hard to look at the situation as a healing opportunity for your children and an opportunity for your grandchildren to have someone else who loves them. You may have to "fake" your acceptance, but in time you may see that a blessing did come out of it. I am so blessed to have both my parents in good health in their 80's. I have 5 siblings, and we all think we were blessed with the best parents anyone could ask for. I can't help feel that the reconciliation my dad had with his mother was a blessing for his children. He needed that in his life.

I have this same situation with my mom. I have went back and started visiting my Dad. She is still so bitter towards him after 40 years of being divorced...I understand that she raised us 4 kids and was always there for us. I am very greatful for that and love her very much. I am not turning my back on her. I wanted my kids to know their Grandpa and they always asked about him....Not that we have a strong relationship with him, but we do go see him on mostly holidays. It does make me angry that he left her to raise us and give her little money..But she needs to forgive but never forget what he did do. My mom to this day will not trust another man and date anyone....She is mostly bitter towards every man....and there are some good men out there. She really needs counseling I think to deal with her anger and bitterness...It is not fair to the kids if they want to go see their dad and the mother try standing in the way...If your kids dad died and they never got to see him how would that make them feel? Sometimes men don't grow up and take on responsibilties. I have a few friends that their Dad didn't do much with them but are great grandpas. I am not going to deprive my children from that.

I think you have every right to be upset and disturbed by your ex's behavior. As far as your children are concerned, I would imagine they would feel the same as you and won't be so persuaded to suddenly jump back into their 'father's' life. Give your kids some credit--they're adults and will know how to handle it. As long as they have your support -- even if you show reluctance -- I think things will be all right. They need a strong parent now and it's obvious you are that parent and have always been.

Forgiveness is a choice that is about you-not the other person. Bitterness destroys you not him. Your feelings toward him do nothing. It took him longer than you hoped, but he is turning his life around, he's actually doing something you wanted him to do years ago. As far as the power to let it go is concerned, very few of us can do that ourselves. Your heavenly father can do what no one else can, give you peace and forgiveness in your heart, all you have to do is ask and expect. God Bless

Dear Sheila,

I am so sorry that you have been widowed so young. It sounds like your husband was wonderful. Thank you for having wonderful sons and a granddaughter who are in the Military. You are amazing! What is happening with your xhusband is difficult (to say the least). While it does feel wrong that your xhusband is trying to be in your children's lives, when he abandoned them for so long, look at it from your children's perspective - they always missed him. He has become the Dad that they wanted their entire lives, it is not that they didn't love your husband, its that they wanted what your xhusband never gave them. Life is so very hard and all I can recommend is that you come from love in talking to your children, as much as you can. Putting the xhusband down is not going to elevate you and your children may get angry - they know in their hearts what he did. Their affection for their father is not a rejection of you. This is your time to spend enjoying life and I pray that you will look at all the things you have been blessed with and the goodness that your created in your family and appreciate what you. May you be blessed!

Dear Sheila,

My parents divorced when I was 3, and I'm 31 now. My dad never forgave my mom for leaving him, and has never been a good father to us. Now that I am an adult, I can see why mom left him. He was not too nice and was controlling. And while she worked full and pt jobs at the same time, he did not pay child support for many years (he owned his own business, so no wages could be garnished). Court was expensive for her, although she did it a few times. On the few occasions we were with him for visits, he would bad mouth her or make smart mouth comments (really inappropriate for children), and I really commend my mom for not doing those things around us. Until a few years we lived very close to him, but I only see him a few times a year if that. It's only at his mother's house (my grandma's) and he always falls asleep on the couch at holidays and I don't even make it a point to say good bye to him when he leaves. One thing is that he paid for my college, but I feel he owed my mom and me that much. He's never made much of an effort to be there for us or anything when it is important. My mom remarried and our stepdad has been such a great dad to us. When my brother played HS and college football, he never went to the games although it was 1 hour drive for him and a six hour drive for my mom and stepdad (they went to all of them!), but when it was senior recog. day and the parents walked the child on the field to be honored, he felt he should be alongside my brother. What a joke. My grandma felt he should be there, too, and that caused an argument.

How I can relate to you is when my son was born 3 years ago, my biological dad all of a sudden started calling and asking how things were going. I had just gotten home from the hospital and was suffering from PPD, so he was the last person I wanted to talk to. I guess he thought he could get a fresh start, but I guess I'm not that forgiving. He's kind of backed off again now, and I'm glad. I realize as an adult that he isn't very responsible. He remarried and has a 10 year old son, and I can tell you I'm very glad my mom left him and he had no part in raising us because we would have been raised very differently, for the worse I feel.

So, your adult children surely realize that he wasn't there for all the important stuff (ball games, graduations, helping them with homework, calming them when they were upset), so they aren't likely going to just jump in and start calling him dad or expect their children to call him grandpa. I'm sure they admire you and their stepdad for raising them and being there for all those things.

I'm sure that isn't an easy issue for your son having returned from overseas. My husband returned from active duty in Iraq after only 9 months away and he had a hard enough time readjusting and suffered from PTSD. So I'm sure that your X trying to come into hte picture isn't helping the matter.

You did all the hard work, so you have every right to feel the way you to. Just talk to your kids or let them come to you and then I bet you'll see that they aren't all of a sudden going to be doing everything with him.

Hello Sheila,

I think you already know what to do, move on. I am sure it is hard and seems unfair that a man who has done all this wrong is now the one able to watch the children and granchildren grow and enjoy life. Deal with your loss of your husband, create wonderful memories. Don't let the presence of the X mess with any of that. Basically stop dwelling on the negatives- all of them. Start thinking about everything God has given you. If negative thoughts start to enter then stop them and think of positive ones and pray. If all your X wants is forgiveness and to mend broken relationships then why can't he? Yes it is hard but if you really wanted to forgive and move past the anger and stop dwelling on it, I think that you can.

Live your life and stop letting yourself or anything else take your joy away.

I read the many loving responses to your plight and agree with much of it. And....I know how hard it is to "move on", "forgive"... There are some great books on forgiveness that may help. I have two in mind, but the names are escaping me at the moment (I'm likely in your age-range with 2 grown girls and a granddaughter). I can get the names if you want. Just email me. Also, if this is risking your relationship with your children, it can help to talk to a professional, whether a minister or a counselor. I am a counselor in Crystal Lake and W. Dundee. There are many good ones I'm sure near you. They can help give you the tools to get through this quicker. My heart is with you on this part of your journey.

Please find a counselor that you can talk to. This is opportunity to work through some difficult issues with a trained professional. You have done a great job raising your kids and this is a time that its important to continue enjoying a new stage in life. I believe you are still getting over your recent loss, the fact that you were abandoned much earlier in life (both of these issues are complicated issues to work through - having two major issues at the same time is very tough and you are wise to recognize that you aren't sure about next steps). BTW I don't think anything is "wrong with you" but rather you are asking for help which is a great thing.